Still with Me

Still with Me by Thierry Cohen is a book about a man who commits suicide on his 18th birthday, forsaking God and losing his soul.  He is given just glimpses of what he “has”.  It is about a man who loves a woman so much; but who’s soul is lost due to his choices.  The soul that stays with his body is his dark side.  This dark side is mean, selfish and does what he can to use others in life.  However, the good part of his soul shows up, on his birthday, nine times over the next 59 years.  When his true self shows up, he tries to right the wrongs of his other self.  As each visit ends, he tries to understand and finally clarity is given at the very end  of his life. 

The author states that he wrote it because his best friend committed suicide and I cannot imagine doing this with my own life.  Not now.  However, at the age of 26, when things were looking so bleak and I couldn’t bear the pain of my disability anymore, I tried to end my life.  It didn’t work.  I “slept” it off.  No one even knew.  It was then that I realized God had other plans for me.  His plans must be great; because he has helped me escaped death 7 times. 

Besides the selfishness of ending your own life, I now see that it can also be detrimental to your soul.  My sister once told my father that I was the only one she’d forgive if I ended my life; because I am such constant pain.  I’ve read that over 90% of people who have TN end their lives.  TN (trigeminal neuralgia) is the most painful disease there is.  It would be understandable.  For me, it is no longer acceptable!  I will not end the gift of my life from God to end my own suffering. 

I recently heard a preacher state that if God hasn’t healed you of your suffering then you’re obviously not doing it right.  I don’t see it that way.  God doesn’t give you all that you want.  God lets prayers go unanswered if it is His will.  My pain is my journey.  My pain is mine to bear.  My pain is what God has given me and it is mine alone to deal with. 

My pain leaves me irritable.  My pain leaves me angry at times.  My pain leaves me exhausted.  My pain consumes my life.  What my pain does not do is end.  My pain has given me understanding.  My pain has given me resilience.  My pain has made me who I am at this time in my life.

The book really touched me especially since that could’ve been me.  What if this had been me?  I would have missed out on so much joy and happiness in my life.  My work with fellow Veterans, my wedding, my sister’s wedding, my niece and nephews, my own son.  I can’t imagine what it would be like without these wonderful, supportive people in my life.  They make life worth living and I would have hurt so many people.

I’ve always loved things that make you think.  Things that leave a lasting impression and this book is something that has left a very lasting impression on me.  I thank God very much for saving me so many times so that I can be here.  Thank you, God.  🙂


1000 Words

I recently watched the Eddy Murphy comedy “1000 Words”.  It got me thinking about what I would do if I only had 1000 words left before death.  He couldn’t write the words, he could speak them, sing them or even type them.  What would I do?  What would be most important to say.  I’d want to leave all my love and the unspoken things to my loved ones; but I’d not be able to do so.  My blog would go unread because I’d not be able to fill it.  My life would dissolve into saying only the most important things.

I remember arguments that could easily be seen as wasted words over nonsense.  So many wasted words for what?  To prove a point?  To be right?  To win?  And yet, knowing all this has changed nothing at all.

I think of all the things I want to tell my son.  Things he is not yet ready to hear.  He’s a teen.  He knows it all and I’m not able to get through to him.  I want him to know that he is the most important thing in my life (outside of God) and that the decisions I made to get us to where we are were for the greater good.  That I’d never want to hurt him, ever!   He is and has always been, my everything.

I want to tell my parents that they did a good job raising us.  That even though there were hard times, we had more than some and we are still a great family of loving, caring adults and children.  I want my sisters to know that even though we don’t always agree on everything, that my love for them will last an eternity.  I respect them both so much and I know that with them, I will always have a best friend that is a phone call away.

I’d tell my ex-husband that he’s forgiven for what he is and that I don’t speak ill of him to our son.  That I know he is a product of the way he was raised and the abuses he’s faced and that I forgive him for what he had done to me.  And that a part of me still does and always will love him.  I even pray for him.

I want my friends to know that they mean the world to me and that each one has touched me in some way.  Some have taught me things, so have listened, some have been listened to; but for all of it, I want them to know that in some way, they have touched my life in a special way and i can only hope to have done the same for them.

What would you do with your 1000 words?

Surgery done.

So, surgery came and went yesterday without a hitch.  YEAH!!!  My son is handling it like a trooper.  I’m so proud of him.  The doctor told me that his tonsils were 3x’s the normal size and completely full of infection.  UGH!  Good thing we took them when we did or he’d have suffered a long time.  He also told me that antibiotics would never have cure the infection, so we’re feeling really good about the whole decision to go forward.

Three rules for after surgery:  DRINK, DRINK, DRINK!!!!   Lots of fluids to stay hydrated and speed healing.  I’ve gotten Gatorade and flavored waters for the kid and ice creams for shakes.  He’s loving it.  Soft diet for next two weeks and then we see the doctor again and solid food.  He can’t wait.  He wanted pancakes for breakfast; but they’re not on the list, so nope.

He’s laying in my bed now, watching stuff on DVR.  We were up until 3 am last night, watching tv in the living room.  He kept snoozing and waking, until I finally felt him go into a good sleep and we went to bed.  He says he isn’t in so much pain now that he wants the meds.  Only taken 2 doses thus far.  I guess he’ll let me know when he wants it.

I thank God for getting us through all this and am grateful for the success of it all.  Our friend, Eric, came to the hospital to wait with me during the surgery.  What a great friend.  I am truly blessed.

Goodbye Tonsils!!!!

Took my son to the ENT doctor today and it was decided that he’d have to have his tonsils removed.  So, we’ve set up the surgery for 2/12/13 at 8:45 am.  Yup, decided to do it at his next available surgery date and not going to let my kid suffer further pain or stress over the impending surgery.  He’s a bit scared of the unknown; but he’s a real trooper about getting it done.

Our good friend, Eric, called and told me that he’d come to the hospital to be with me during the surgery.  His concern for Ian is so touching.  Eric is a great guy and we’re lucky to have such a great friend in our lives.

Called my mom to tell the folks about the surgery; but it went straight to voice mail and haven’t heard from her all day.  <shrug>  Have no clue what that’s about.  We’ve got to be up at 6:30 am to be out the door by 7 to get to the hospital, checked in and then onto surgery.  He asked me to bring the camera so that I can  photo him before he goes in and when he comes out.  (Like we’re going to see the difference — ha ha)

When I told him he’d have to get naked for surgery, he spazzed out. LOL!  I explained the whole gown thing; but he was not a happy boy about the whole “going commando” idea.  He did talk to his older 1/2 brother about the surgery tomorrow and felt a bit better.  He also told his best friend about it, too.  So, for the next 14 days, he’ll be out of school; but I’ve turned in all his doctors notes, etc and they’re getting his assignments together for us, so he won’t be behind.  I just hope he comes through this alright.

I have to admit, I’m afraid for him.  I NEVER want anything to happen to him EVER, so this is a major thing for me.  I’ve been reassured and have done a LOT of praying to God and even put out the prayer requests to all my prayers, so I’m hoping with God’s help, he’ll be just fine. 🙂

Well, I better get to sleep.  It’s going to be “that time” soon enough.  I’ll post the results; but I’m sure it will all work out. 🙂

Strep Throat, AGAIN???? UGH!

So, I wake my son up for school on Tuesday and he says, “Mom, my throat is sore again.”  I get the flashlight and take a peek.  Sure enough, bright red throat and two large white pustules are visible in the back of his mouth.  UGH!!!!  This makes his fifth time since August.  I call the doctor.  We can be seen that afternoon.  Great.

Poor kid.  For the last two years, he’s been plagued with strep.  Four times last school year and we’re up to 5 this school year.  Time to go to ENT.  I ask for a referral to the ENT and we get an appointment for this coming Monday.  Something’s got to give.  The poor kid can’t stand to be out this long.  He’s already reached his 18 day limit and now is on doctor’s note only for excuses.  I could understand if he was playing hooky; but he’s been genuinely sick and seen a doctor each time, so I’m not sure what the big deal is; but rules are rules.

We were told he may be a carrier of strep and that would be the reason he keeps getting them.  It could also be that he has such enlarged tonsils and they need to be removed.  We shall see.  Personally, I’m afraid for him to go under the knife for any reason; but I will do what I must for the sake of his health.

I’ve done a lot of praying for him over this situation.  I’m not sure how God will handle this but I am sure He will take care of it.  Now, I just wait.  Which, I really hate to do; but the appointment is for Monday morning, so it isn’t that far off.  Of course, as a worrier, I’m also a good prayer, so I’m constantly talking it over with God.  (Like anyone else is going to be listening. LOL!)

For the first 11 years of his life, my son rarely got sick.  Maybe a occassional cold; but nothing that lasted longer than 3 days and nothing serious.  We’ve been so blessed in that way.  The last two years have been rough for him.  Of course, when he gets sick, I have to watch out so that I don’t get sick, too, what with the Lupus and all.  For the most part, he’s not given it to me the last two times, so YEAH ME! 😀

I went to pick up his doctor’s note today and she has him going back on Monday.  I was going to send him tomorrow; but I guess she knows best.  The social worker at school has been appraised of the situation and I’m just hoping that no one gives him a problem when he goes back.  Of course, he’ll be late on Monday, since he has the appointment with ENT; but they’ll just get over it.


mad·ness /ˈmædnɪs/   noun

1. the state of being mad; insanity.
2. senseless folly: It is sheer madness to speak as you do.
3. frenzy; rage.
4. intense excitement or enthusiasm.
“We’re all mad here.” ~~ Lewis Carroll
So, for the last twenty years, I’ve held a book titled “Mind of a Mad Woman” which encapsulates my crazy poetry.  However, I’ve ventured even further into the madness since then.  I begin to question my sanity extensively lately as I fear I am going quite mad.
As someone who has always disliked the “Alice in Wonderland” story because of its drug references, I find myself drawn of late to everything about the Mad Hatter.  It makes no sense, I know; but I do believe that he is my equal when it comes to knowing what happens to the mind when one completely loses it.  The fact that I’ve always loved the idea of tea parties (which has all to do with my Grandma and nothing to do with his, I assure you) kind of makes us an even better pair of strange bedfellows.
No, I’ve not slipped down any rabbit holes, I assure you.  The rabbits in my back yard are the standard wild brown color and only white on the tail and not the white kind sporting pocket watches.  They also haven’t said anything to me, so I’ve not completely slipped over the edge.  YET.  Oh and the nasty, green caterpillars that are munching away on my hibiscus bush are just killing the poor thing, not smoking some strange concoction that only God knows the ingredients to.
My descent into madness comes with a price, as all things do.  My memory isn’t what it used to be and the pain I suffer is excruciatingly painful.  I’m not happy and when I push myself to participate in life, I am only half a woman there.  The pain is driving me further and further into madness.  My temper is shorter these days.  My pain induced life is making me sicker and sicker and I can’t find anywhere to escape to.  Even sleep is filled with pain.  There is no escaping it.
In November 2011, I saw a doctor for my trigeminal neuralgia.  He told me to see a pain management specialist; because he couldn’t help.  I was willing to have the nerves surgically removed and suffer permanent paralysis; but he told me it would not work.  Drugs do not help.  Bio feedback has failed me and there is no other therapy available to help.  When I read about TN, it is rated the worst pain disease in the world and the rate of patients with it committing suicide is 90%.  I’m not there; but if the madness continues, who knows.  I’m not one who believes in this type of solution; but anything can change.
I’m trying to cope the best that I can; but as anyone who has a touch of madness can tell you, it is not easy.  Concentration is hard and takes me longer to do tasks than I used to.  Lapsing into “lost” is a frequent occurence these days.  My but the world is just passing me by and there is nothing I can do.
Don’t worry, I don’t pity myself.  It is just a fact of life.  It is one of the reasons I keep a blog and journal.  To document the madness.  To watch the descent.  To minute by minute the crack as it widens.  Am I truly as mad as a hatter?  I’m not sure; but I do know that what was once is no more.
So, how is a raven like a writing desk?