He Loves Me Not by Christine Kersey is the latest book I’ve read. I’ve been reading A LOT of books lately (like one every other day) on the kindle; but this one struck a chord in me. As I read Lily’s story of a whirlwind romance, marriage and ride of terror, it reminded me of my own past. How naïve I’d been when I, like Lily, saw signs that pointed to the true nature of my spouses personality, only to not believe it. It is so easy to not believe the monster is truly a monster when the monster is such a good actor. My personal monster was a psychopath with no conscience at all, not a feeling of guilt or remorse ever crossed his thoughts and lying straight-faced is a common occurrence for him.
As I watched Lily question herself, I remembered questioning myself in the same way. Making excuses for his misdeeds as if my love alone could heal him. How wrong we are. These people blame us when they lose control. We’re the ones at fault. ALWAYS! It’s strange what we’re willing to accept, what we’re willing to look the other way on and how we try to make amends for the things that they do.
My heart ached for Lily as she struggled. She is so like so many others who get trapped in these types of relationships. I was lucky to escape and so was she. Of course, there is a second book; but I’m not there yet. 🙂
Each day, I am more and more grateful that I was able to get away with my life. I was fortunate enough to have lived through it. Not many who escape are that lucky. When leaving a violent spouse (male or female) it is the most dangerous time. Abuse escalates and can lead to death.
Like Lily, my spouse was in jail at the time of my escape. Mine was in jail for nearly killing me, whereas her spouse was in for car theft. No matter the reason, we were both free to escape our tormentors. Reflecting upon my experience, I now see that I should’ve run FAR, FAR away at the first hint of danger; but the fool that I am, I stayed. Love makes us blind sometimes; but it also made me (and Lily) deaf and dumb as well. I wish I could say I regret it or if I could go back with full knowledge I’d not do it again; because I wouldn’t have my son. Yes, the life was full of danger; but there are some things you just can’t change.
I will always love my ex for giving me my son; but anything more, not so much. I don’t hate him; but I don’t like him either. I mostly feel sorry for him. He will never feel the love of another person. He’ll never know the safety of being with someone who cares for you. He is without feelings and has to live his life as an actor, constantly pretending to be who he isn’t. I can only imagine how hard it must be for someone to constantly pretend to be something they’re not. Too much energy if you ask me.
Anyway, it was a good book, if you can stomach the abuse. It’s not too bad; mostly verbal and a bit of physical, not too graphic, though. Of course, I read “Rose Madder” by Stephen King years ago before I was married and that one is very graphic and nowhere near the mellow story of “He Loves Me Not”. But, that’s another blog. 🙂