UGH!!!! I’m not sure what is going on in this body of mine; but I do know it hurts. My face has been throbbing for days now and relief is nowhere in sight. I’m not sure what it is going to take to make the pain dissipate. I’ve been taking aspirin like it is candy. Everything seems to aggravate my pain. Light is the enemy and sound reverberates through my brain like a million gun shots. My stomach is rolling like an out of control ball and the vertigo is not helping.
That doesn’t even begin to touch the pain I’m feeling in other parts of my body. My legs and knee are painful and I can’t even begin to describe the nerve endings of my feet and hands zapping out of control. There isn’t enough Calgon to take this pain away or me away from the pain.
I feel like a complainer sometimes. I don’t mean to be. I just suffer so much and it spills over into my everyday life. It doesn’t seem fair; but then what is these days? This is my life. I accept the things I cannot change. This is one of them.
Neurologists, ENT’s, Allergists, Internal Medicine Specialists, I’ve seen them all. There isn’t a thing anyone can do to help me.
I’m afraid. I’m afraid of getting worse. I’m afraid I won’t be able to take additional pain. I’m afraid this will kill me.
Over the last 20 years, it has gotten worse. It definitely got much worse after the assault in 2009. I’m not sure I can handle it right now, how can I handle it if it gets worse than this? One day at a time. It is all I can do.
I close my eyes and I see cracks of lightening striking behind my eyelids. I feel my erratic heart rate, thumping in my chest. I taste an acidic tang in my mouth the never seems to go away. I can’t seem to breath. I hear the pain in my ears.
The nerves go wild. Zapping my face when I pucker my lips, when I smile, when I touch my skin. The left side of my face goes numb, starting at my ears and spreading outward to my face and the back of my head. Like a million bugs beneath the skin, crawling with their tiny feet touching each nerve ending. I think I want to cut my skin off and get them out; but my sanity tells me that the images I imagine are just that — imaginary — and I don’t even think about it.
So many nights I just wanted to go into the garage, get out the drill and put a hole in my skull to release the pressure. Of course, I know, rationally, that that is not an option at all; but what if it worked? I sometimes dream about the doctors putting me into a drug induced coma in which I wake pain free; because they have restarted my brain. Not an option, I guess. I’ve wanted to have the nerves severed so I can’t feel; but that, also, is not an option.
I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do anymore. I love my life, I just wish it were a little less painful. Maybe God has a plan for me that my enduring this pain will make it all worth while. I’m not sure. He’ll let me know, someday. For now, I struggle on with my daily life. One moment at a time.