Sometimes I still feel like a lost little girl. It’s hard to believe I’ll be 45 this October. I have overcome so much and still I wonder how God let’s me be an adult, who takes care of a son.
I still have nightmares due to my PTSD. Sometimes my anger at my life is too much to bear. When I am so overwhelmed by my disabilities that I can only cry, that is when I feel like that little girl most. I just want to curl up in my bed and have my mom take care of me; but I can’t. I am a grown woman, who has her own child to take care of and I can’t have that luxury.
I would rather die in battle, as an honorable Marine, with a gun in my hand, than this slow, agonizing death at the hands of my own treacherous body. I don’t feel sorry for myself and the life I live. I’m a survivor and proud of the battles I have won. The problem is that some days, it just gets so overwhelming that I am that little girl in need of my own comfort. My major fault is that I put EVERYTHING ahead of my own needs until I reach this point and have a meltdown.
I have survived domestic violence, rape, and molestation. I suffer PTSD, Migraine, TMJ, Trigeminal Neuralgia, Lupus, allergies to everything, diabetes and hearing loss. And yet, I am still a little girl inside. I love my life. I love what I have accomplished, the people I have met along the way who have taught me so much, the young man I am raising to be such a wonderful adult. Life is interesting. The challenges are many; but the journey is worth the walk.
God, I am grateful for the many blessing you have given to me and my family. I am luckier than most. I accept the things I cannot change, even when I am feeling like a child. You, Lord, are my everything and I will shed this human flesh when we are reunited.