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As I Lay Dying

I was lying on the bathroom floor, feeling the kick of his feet striking me in the back and head, I began to lose hope and willed myself to die. I was beyond pain at this point and I couldn’t think of anyway to end the torture he was inflicting on my person. I was finished. I was over it. He had won. My eyes were closed and my breathing shallow. The background noise was fading away.

“OPEN YOUR EYES!” A voice commanded of me; but I refused. I didn’t know the voice; but I was slipping away into the darkness and didn’t even care who it belonged to. The voice didn’t care. “OPEN YOUR EYES!” It shouted in an overwhelmingly large, deep voice which commanded me to obey. I couldn’t refuse the voice.

I opened my eyes. For the first time in over 30 years, I saw clearly. No glasses on, I saw my little boy’s face and the face of his best friend, tears streaming, voices pleading and I knew I had to get out of this situation. If not for me, then for them.

I leapt to my feet, as if on springs and ushered them away from the violence I had been suffering, ending, for the moment, my torment.

It wasn’t until much later that I came to the realization that the voice that had saved my life was God himself, telling me that I had more to do than lay on a cold bathroom floor and die.

It has been 4 years since this horrible, life altering moment and as I look back on my escape, I am thankful to God for all he did to help me through the horror. I thank him endlessly for the son he also saved that night. It has been a long road of recovery since that night; but we are better for it. This was not the first time I’d encountered death; but I never wanted to embrace it as much as I did that night. Now, I look at death as the next great adventure. It is going to sleep in one world and waking up in another. This time, however, I’ll be going to meet my Heavenly Father.

I’d once heard the quote, “Do not go gently into that good night.” and thought that I’d fight it; but now that my life has been alter and I’m saved, I embrace what the end of this life will bring. My only regret is that I am within this sinful flesh and can’t seem to live up to the person I want to be.

I still lose my temper. I still sin. I still beg forgiveness. I pray. I go to church. I help others. I try my best and sometimes my best isn’t good enough. I pray some more. God forgives me, time and time again. He knows my efforts, He sees my struggles and His grace is enough to save me from myself.

Life is hard. It is not perfect. It is mine, flaws and all.


About irishgoddess1337

Retired Marine, Christian who survived Domestic Violence, living with Lupus, PTSD, Fibromyalgia, Migraine, TMJ, Trigeminal Neuralgia, Sleep Apnea and living my life for Jesus! My son is a Senior this year!! YIKES! I love music! My son plays drums in his High School Marching Band & Percussion group. We live with three fur babies -- Tippy the Corgi and Honi & Teddy the Poms. I scrapbook, stamp and make rag dolls for fun! I've recently started acrylic painting and making jewelry. Life is good!

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