Approaching Five Years

It just occurred to me this morning that June will mark 5 years since I nearly died at the hands of a monster.  As I reflected on the 14 years I was with him, I see so clearly the things that should have been glaringly obvious to me; but I overlooked or didn’t notice until my eyes were ripped open. 

He was reckless.  On two occasions we were in car accidents during inclement weather that he was driving, going too fast and crashed my vehicle, totaling them.  He also narrowly recovered from another crash as well during a snowy drive, making that 3 times he nearly killed us.  Thus, he stopped driving us around.

Cheating on me was second nature for him.  I remember being pregnant and catching him on yahoo messenger and his denials.  Like I was stupid or something.  I then caught him 6 weeks to the day after our wedding.  He was apologetic, teary and begged my forgiveness.  I, stupidly, accepted it.  It was as if I gave him “permission” to continue this behavior, which he proceeded to do for the next 9 years. 

Callus disregard for our feelings was not uncommon.  I remember a weekend when my son & I were terribly sick.  I had pneumonia and our son was sick as well.  I continually called his cell phone only to be told he was NOT coming home for the weekend, nor was he going to take us to the hospital; because he was too busy doing his own thing.  He didn’t have time to help us.  I drove us to the hospital for the care we both so desperately needed.  This is not the first time he wouldn’t take me for medical care.  He even refused to take me to the hospital when I was allergic to medication and having a reaction.  

He treated our son, who was just a baby under the age of 8, as if he were his equal.  That’s right.  Our small child was an equal to a grown man.  GAME ON!!!  He should take any and all abuse, punches, rough housing, etc. as a man.  I constantly had to remove the child from the situation so he wouldn’t get hurt.  This was not just my child, either.  By the time we left, our son was 9 1/2  and reported that the bastard was smacking him around on a regular basis without my knowledge.  He’s just slap/hit him at will.  The child was afraid to learn to ride a bike due to his father’s constant bullying tactics when trying to teach him.  I felt like such a failure as a mother that I couldn’t protect him from that monster.  

He lied straight faced.  He would do things and then deny them or blame someone else for the incident.  He’s known about my facial nerve damage our whole relationship, yet he would grab my face and squeeze and when I told him it hurt me, he “assured” me that I was mistaken in his actions.  I would watch him do something and he’d act like the world was wrong in their perception of what he’d done.  There was a time he had a woman he was slobbering all over and a friend saw him, reported it to me and then he denied it and said the friend was trying to hurt me.  The time he told two of our friends that he could “shit all over me” and I’d never leave him or do anything about it.  He then denied saying it.  Over and over and over again he’d do this.  I am a fool.

 As I have recovered from his abuse and moved on with my life, my son and I are so much better off.  I could fixate on so many things; but as they are in the past, there is no need.  My son is do much better off without that monster.  I am better off and personally, I think the world would be, too.  However, that is not for me to decide; but God.

God has been so good to us over the last several years.  We’ve recovered, moved on and are approaching the 5 year mark of true freedom!!!  God saved us from the monster.  God delivered us from him.  God is wonderful and we are grateful.

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My Son

Oh how I love my son. I’ve loved him since the moment I knew he existed. I’ve watched him grow up over the last 14 years to the great teenager he is today.

I laugh when my sister says that our Mom cursed us with kids just like us; because I have my twin. A good boy, great sense of humor, good person, spiritual love for God, geeky, nerdy love of my life! He has my great love of helping others and is sensitive to those around him and is good to all people. I’m still in love!

He used to look so much like his father as a baby and small boy, except he has my Mom’s family’s nose. 😀 Since November, when I upload his photos to our Facebook pages, it wants to tag his photos as me. WOW!! Now I see his resemblance to me. He’s growing up so quickly. He’s now 6 feet tall and not even done growing yet. I can only imagine where he’ll stop.

He spoke to my niece on the phone recently and she turned to my sister and said, “Mom, he’s a MAN! He sounds just like a man.” It was so cute. He is going to be a real heartbreaker when he grows up.

My mother adores him. It is so funny how much she adores him. Not that she doesn’t love all her grandchildren, because she does A LOT! But my son she treats like he’s the special one. I love that she does that. I love that they’re close. I encourage the relationship that I was never able to have with her at that age.

Today, he dressed up like a “Greaser” for the day. They are finishing up reading the book “The Outsiders” by SE Hinton and were able to dress as either greasers or socials. He read the book for pleasure last year and then we watched the movie together. Fun, fun, fun! He’s surprised that I can recite the first paragraph of the book so many years after reading it when I was a kid. LOL!

I love sharing with him the books I read and movies I love. So many of them we’ve shared and he loves as much as I do. He’s such a wonderful young man and I am so incredibly blessed to have him in my life. I don’t know what I’d do without my wonderful son!

The Daniel Plan

This week, my Women’s Small Group is going to take the next 6 weeks to read and practice “The Daniel Plan”. It is a diet and exercise plan based on Biblical principals. I’m willing to try it and hope for the best. I figure if anyone can help me, God can. 😀

The plan outlines what to eat, how to eat and when to eat. It helps you get in touch with God while on the plan. It is faith based, so I am putting my faith in Him to help me through it. I can hardly wait to get the book and start. We’ll begin on Wednesday and we plan to incorporate a walk with our study.
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I’m hoping this will help me out with all of my medical issues. I’m so struggling with pain these days and I know that being overweight is not helping. I know it puts a strain on my body that would be less without the extra pounds. I so hope that God will help me win this particular battle, even though He isn’t resolving my medical issues.

Brokeness

My friend just lost her husband of 34 years and the hurt is so evident in her face, stance and definitely in her heart. She’s so confused; because for 34 years, he took total care of her. He made sure she was clothed, fed, sheltered, etc. She wanted for nothing and she was happy. Now, she’s in confusion over where she stands financially, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

She knows that her husband is out of pain, in the embrace of our heavenly father and she’s okay with that. The problem lies in the “What now?”. I wish I could help her more. Right now, she is with family, mourning; but I do know the time will come when she will depend on her friends and I want to be there for her.

For me, the whole financial aspect of her relationship with her husband has never been a part of my life. I’ve never had to depend on a man for financial support. I’ve always been the one who has taken care of the finances. It seems strange to me that a woman would willingly give herself over to a man and not know what is going on. However, with that said, my mom & dad are the same way and they’ve been together for the last 50 years.

Today, friends were discussing her appointments and another of our group also confessed that her husband takes care of their finances as well and she would be lost. WOW! I guess it is the way things always were for our past generations. I would have loved to have someone to share the burden with when I was married; but my Ex was not “responsible” for ANYTHING, not even our finances!!!! Heck, he couldn’t pay a bill to save his life. I don’t know how he is surviving right now; but to be completely honest, I DON’T GIVE A F*CK!!!!

Anyway, I’m grieving the loss of a wonderful man, husband, father & friend. I’m grieving the loss of a sweet man who loved his wife so much and left her alone. Most of all, I’m grieving for my friend, who is such a wonderful woman, who spent 34 years with the love of her life and praying that she will muddle through this process and be okay. I love her dearly.

Dear Beloved.

My Dear Beloved!

How I miss you. How I love you. How I long to be with you. How I wish you were real. Alas, you are not. The man I loved and adored was a LIE!!!! He never existed.

I have to congratulate you on your 14 year performance. I had my suspensions; but could never quite see beneath the surface of your charade. Tiny glimpses into what I thought I saw and questioned.

Lie number one was that you loved me and only me. I found out that while you were telling me this lie, you were also telling your wife. While you were planning a future with me, in our apartment, you were planning to continue your life with your wife and children, hundreds of miles away. You lied to both of us. Crying to both of us about how the other was nuts. We were both fools.

Glimpses of your true self slipped out after our son was born. The rough way you treated him, the harsh way you treated ALL children. Complaints I made excuses for when other parents told me you were too rough, should’ve been a clue to me. That you held our son down on the floor and bite him all over and then blamed him for it, a small boy of 4 years old. The times you shared beer and porn with him at the age of 8 years old was too much. You were out of control and I should’ve left you in 2002 when you got fired from your job for using their computers for pornography. You remember, when I found out all about the whores you were sleeping with. The way you “cried”. Must be nice to be able to cry on command. PATHETIC!

And yet, I forgave you. I am a fool.

All the subtle abuses you perfected. How you would grab my face to inflict further pain on my damaged nerves. The straight faced lies. You are a great actor, my precious psychopath. No emotional attachment to anyone, not even your own flesh and blood. Three beautiful children who are so much better off without you. Our son, who is grateful to be free of you, is safe now. Your other two children and first Ex, all grateful to be free of you. Do you care? Nope. As I’ve said, you have no emotional attachment to anyone. You have no empathy. You only care about YOU and only YOU! Pretender, actor, liar, cheat!

Oh how I cried for the wasted years. I wish I had known. I wish I had seen. However, I do not regret it. I do not regret my son. He is more of a man at 14 than you will ever be at any age. What a wonderful person he is and continues to be as he grows and learns and blossoms.

I feel sorry for you. You will never know the love I have in my life. The love of a child & parent, the love of other people, the true caring that comes from relationships. Not that you even care; because you don’t know how. It is not part of your make up.

Oh my beloved man, how I love you still. Too bad, you do not exist, except in my mind.

The Love of a Dog.

I have always loved dogs and especially my own. I’ve been blessed over the last 20 years to have had several that mean the world to me. I fell in love with the Pomeranian breed when I first adopted a little guy named Jake. Jake was the sweetest, handsomest, baby boy I ever had. He was my best friend for only 6 short months. Jake was my constant companion. He was the original purse puppy because he always got in my purse and went with me everywhere. He didn’t care, as long as we were together. He was so good to me and for me. When I was so sick, he was my love and my heart.

Due to a horrible accident, Jake went to heaven on May 1, 1996. I was devastated. The love of my life was gone. I got another Pomeranian later that day. My little Fox. Foxy was a small, red Pomeranian of 8 weeks, who picked me. Happy, smiley, sweet baby boy, Fox decided he wanted to be with me. I cried many an night and day into his puppy fur for the loss of my Jake. He let me. Patiently, he snuggled in and let me grieve. It took me a long time to get over the loss. I even told Fox he’d never be as pretty as Jake or as good as Jake. He proved me wrong.

Foxy became the most beloved family member I have ever had. At 6 months old, we got Fox a companion named Dolly. Dolly was a sweet little girl with the best disposition I’ve ever seen. She was a lover and the best doggy mom I’ve ever known. Dolly was a blonde Pom. The two of them were my babies and I just loved them so much. They helped me therapeutically with my pain and illness.

Almost two years later, we welcomed our first litter of puppies. Five little Poms were born on January 13, 1998. The runt of the litter, a tiny guy I called Peanut, soon made his home with us and we had the three of them for many years to come. Dolly had a total of 3 litters and 10 puppies (5 – 2 – 3) before I had her spade and she was so wonderful.

I remember in 1999, when I had my son, my Ex brought the blanket our son was wrapped in home for the dogs to smell and recognize before bringing the baby home. After the three dogs smelled the blanket, Foxy took the blanket, jumped up on the bed with it, curled up in it and went to sleep. The next night, when I brought our son home, the dogs loved him. Foxy climbed up into the car seat with the boy and laid on him. We had to remove Fox from him — too funny. Love was in the air.

Each dog loved that boy and he loved them. Protectors, companions, friends, playmates — they each loved our son and he loved them. In 2005, our son was given a Corgi – Jack Russell mix puppy, whom Dolly took under her wing and mothered. It was the sweetest thing.

In May of 2007, at the age of 11, Dolly went to heaven. She went to sleep and dreamed those big doggy dreams. Three months later, in August 2007, Peanut followed her when he got an infection in his stomach and died. My heart was broken, again. He was only 9 years old.

In 2008, while surfing the internet, I came across a 4 month old Pomeranian with blonde hair and soft, sweet eyes. I fell in love and soon, Teddy joined our family. Fox was aging and Tippy is my son’s dog, so I brought home another little boy to ease me into the transition of loss I knew would be coming.

Many things happed in the interim — moves, separations, reconciliations, heartache….until 2009 when Foxy was called home to heaven at the age of 13. It was a few weeks in coming, my little old man was losing his hair, smelled like dog and getting week. He always had a smile on his face and as the days were getting closer, he was loved so greatly and slipped off into the night to join the rest of our doggy family in heaven. It has been 5 years and I still miss him dearly.

My home is filled with love and the best companions ever. Teddy & I have become very close since Fox has been gone and Tippy is still the love of my son’s life. We’re happy and I can’t imagine a life without my animal friends. Life is better with a small, furry companion.