It just occurred to me this morning that June will mark 5 years since I nearly died at the hands of a monster. As I reflected on the 14 years I was with him, I see so clearly the things that should have been glaringly obvious to me; but I overlooked or didn’t notice until my eyes were ripped open.
He was reckless. On two occasions we were in car accidents during inclement weather that he was driving, going too fast and crashed my vehicle, totaling them. He also narrowly recovered from another crash as well during a snowy drive, making that 3 times he nearly killed us. Thus, he stopped driving us around.
Cheating on me was second nature for him. I remember being pregnant and catching him on yahoo messenger and his denials. Like I was stupid or something. I then caught him 6 weeks to the day after our wedding. He was apologetic, teary and begged my forgiveness. I, stupidly, accepted it. It was as if I gave him “permission” to continue this behavior, which he proceeded to do for the next 9 years.
Callus disregard for our feelings was not uncommon. I remember a weekend when my son & I were terribly sick. I had pneumonia and our son was sick as well. I continually called his cell phone only to be told he was NOT coming home for the weekend, nor was he going to take us to the hospital; because he was too busy doing his own thing. He didn’t have time to help us. I drove us to the hospital for the care we both so desperately needed. This is not the first time he wouldn’t take me for medical care. He even refused to take me to the hospital when I was allergic to medication and having a reaction.
He treated our son, who was just a baby under the age of 8, as if he were his equal. That’s right. Our small child was an equal to a grown man. GAME ON!!! He should take any and all abuse, punches, rough housing, etc. as a man. I constantly had to remove the child from the situation so he wouldn’t get hurt. This was not just my child, either. By the time we left, our son was 9 1/2 and reported that the bastard was smacking him around on a regular basis without my knowledge. He’s just slap/hit him at will. The child was afraid to learn to ride a bike due to his father’s constant bullying tactics when trying to teach him. I felt like such a failure as a mother that I couldn’t protect him from that monster.
He lied straight faced. He would do things and then deny them or blame someone else for the incident. He’s known about my facial nerve damage our whole relationship, yet he would grab my face and squeeze and when I told him it hurt me, he “assured” me that I was mistaken in his actions. I would watch him do something and he’d act like the world was wrong in their perception of what he’d done. There was a time he had a woman he was slobbering all over and a friend saw him, reported it to me and then he denied it and said the friend was trying to hurt me. The time he told two of our friends that he could “shit all over me” and I’d never leave him or do anything about it. He then denied saying it. Over and over and over again he’d do this. I am a fool.
As I have recovered from his abuse and moved on with my life, my son and I are so much better off. I could fixate on so many things; but as they are in the past, there is no need. My son is do much better off without that monster. I am better off and personally, I think the world would be, too. However, that is not for me to decide; but God.
God has been so good to us over the last several years. We’ve recovered, moved on and are approaching the 5 year mark of true freedom!!! God saved us from the monster. God delivered us from him. God is wonderful and we are grateful.