Well today, I made it up to 4 miles on my bike; however, the battery on the truck is dead once again, so I think I just have to get a new one. I can’t wait to sell it.
Okay, so I was wrong. I called my friend a jackass in an earlier post and I am the one who is the asshole. We chatted on messenger and he told me he’s dealing with his PTSD and is working on healing, so no social things that will complicate his life.
Boy, am I an asshole! I so remember how it feels to have your PTSD take over your life. How it steals your joy, makes your life unlivable and how your own mind steals your joy and leaves you in despair.
Now, once he revealed this, I went into “fix it” mode. BIG mistake. Why I do this, I don’t know. I just went ahead, as usual, and worked up a solution to fix him. Just like I always do when presented with a problem. I try and fix it. I treated it as if I can just say a few words and magically he’d be better. What a putz.
So, late last night, as I came to the realization, I apologized to him for pushing him into a cure. I have the tenacity of a bull dog and though this works in most situations, pushing a man into being well is not one of them. I told him I’d back off. It’s what is right.
So, true confessions time, again. I was at church a couple weeks ago and during an intense prayer with Pastor Randy, in my mind, my friend leaned down and kissed me so passionately that I nearly cried out in shock. I opened my eyes, looked around and couldn’t get over the heat of it.
I came home, messaged him with this tidbit and came to the conclusion that God is for us. Well, I then proceeded with my fix, as per above. UGH! Okay, so fast forward to this past weekend….I wrote out my “Reader’s Digest Abridged” version of my life, filled out a few “get to know me” survey things and sent him a booklet of healing scriptures I’d made and then mailed it out to him on Monday.
WHAT WAS I THINKING? Well, basically, I wasn’t thinking, was I? I can only imagine what he thinks of all this. SMH Let me tell you, I was brutally honest. I told him everything from my hate driven mother, my abusive, alcoholic father to my sisters who resent me for reasons I have no clue as to why. I gave him all the gory details of what my ex-husband did the night he tried to kill me. I told him about the cheating. I told him everything.
I’m nothing if not honest. Even if it hurts. I gave him the details about all my medical conditions. I think I was trying to see if I could scare him off. Who can tell? I’m 1/2 nuts myself. I even wrote up my resume as if I am applying for a job with him.
I spent 14 years with a man who lied to me just to lie. Who blamed me for every detail of his wrong doing and how I am 7 years free from him and he can never hurt me or my son again; because he’s dead, I just want to cry. I am such a fool.
So, what I did by giving all the details of my life to this friend, I can only think that maybe I was testing the waters to see if he has could be scared off or not. I’m really not sure. I hate the thought that I may be sabotaging an “us” before it even starts. SMH.
What I do know is that I’ve prayed for this man for the last year, ever since we reconnected on FB. I pray for his healing. I pray for his happiness, even if it does not include me. I pray for his family and I pray that his life is filled with joy.
I have never acted this way toward any other man. All I want is for him to be happy. It’s what I want for everyone.
I told him that I would walk barefoot through the fires of hell for him and I meant it. I am waiting on him and God to see where our relationship will go. I told him that I am standing on the edge, balancing there, that I will not fall in love with him, yet. I then let him know that when he & God told me it was time, I was not going to fall for him; but leap right off that edge, into his arms and never let him go. We shall see if this will come to fruition. Only God knows.