It’s all good

I’m 6 chapters and nearly 20,000 words into my book.  YEAH! It’s coming along great.  I’m really pleased with it.

It is diary style recollections of my sins.  Of course, it’s a work of fiction; but I’m having fun with it anyway.  I’ve already made outlines for several more chapters.  I’m so giddy with excitement over how the results will turn out.

I’ve got another painting under my belt, too.  This one is a soldier in profile with the stars and bars.  As a Marine, I know the sacrifices that our military members make.  I know what it is like to have a flag handed to me after the death of a loved one.  I know what we do in defense of that flag.  I let my heart control my brush and I do believe it came out beautiful.

15219389_10154831679569623_3325786709884088650_n

Of course, I notice a hair on the painting after I took the photo. LOL!  Easily brushed off.  Got to love pets. Anyway, it seems my creativity has really sparked lately and I’m so pleased with the results.

I’ve still not started my Christmas cards yet; but I think I’ll work on them this afternoon.  I still need to put up the tree; but I’m not in a rush.

Life is good.

 

Decisions

So, I’ve got this digital blog from many years ago that I’ve decided to turn into a kindle book.  “Confessing My Sins” will be all the fantasies I’ve written.  It’s more a collection of short stories that I’ve gathered with each chapter about different encounters.  I’ve also got a book with my erotic poetry that I’ll also be adding to this, maybe between chapters.  I just need to get this all out and who knows?

I’ve used the title, “Mind of a Mad Woman” since 1993, when I first started keeping my erotic writings instead of writing them and then tossing them.   Poetry, short stories and journal keeping have been a lifetime thing for me.  I have always written.  I’ve always loved the written word and to be able to get it all out of my head onto paper has been therapeutic.

I remember back when I was in therapy the first time.  Martin and I met weekly.  It was hard at first.  I was actually able to write a letter to my rapist and put that to bed.  When the anniversary of that horrible day came and went without me even noticing and I could recount the story without crying, I knew I was better.

It’s the same as when my Ex nearly killed me in 2009.  I can tell that story without a tear and I have put it behind me.  Now, I will say that on occasion, when my pain levels are high and I’m feeling low about how my life is at that moment, I do beat myself up for my past mistakes.  I’ll also confess that those days are incredibly hard on me and make me want death to come.  Of course, I will not hurt myself.  I have too much that still needs to be done before I leave this place.

It’s why I love to journal.  I love to get it off my chest and put it to bed.  It has helped me so much.  I’ve been able to defeat my demons.  I can’t help the nightmares that do invade my life and I was told they may never leave me.  I can handle it.  It’s part of the disease.  PTSD sucks; but I work hard to stay focused on not letting it invade my life. I use my tools to stay in control.

Today has been a bad day.  I have not had a voice to talk with.  Sinus/allergy problems are making the TN extremely painful.  I did go on my bike ride today, though.  Four miles under my belt despite the pain. Oh and I got the new Metallica CD in the mail today.  “Hardwired to Self Destruct” is the title and I can’t help but see how appropriate that title is for me. LOL!

So glad I don’t go out on Black Friday.  I’ve only been out one time on this day, a million years ago and I vowed to never do that again.  Not worth the hassle. Plus in my current condition, I’d probably get hurt.

I’ve been posting a lot lately because I’m making myself write daily to get better at writing.  So, I’ll probably be posting again tomorrow. 😀

 

A New Day

“There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning……”  I love this line from the Newsboys song.  It makes me feel like even when I’m at my lowest, tomorrow is always a new day, filled with new hope.  I love that.

Today is beautiful.  I am so grateful for my friends, family and beautiful life.  I am grateful that God has gotten me through so much in 2016.  I have the strength to survive and have.  I can hardly believe another year is almost over.

I believe we’ll put up the tree this weekend.  We decided on a Nightmare Before Christmas theme this year and are using the white tree Leif had bought for $5 a couple of years ago.  Everything is black and white.  I got a strand of purple lights and even made several ornaments.  I made felt Oogie Boogies, Sally and Zero’s.  All look cute.  I bought some white balls and made them into Jack’s face.  Hopefully, the tree will look good.  I’m going to drag out the black ornaments from the garage and the purple tree skirt.  I was going to make a new skirt; but remembered the purple one, so I’m just going to use that one.

As it is black Friday, I will not be going out to shop this weekend.  I’m not crazy or stupid. Ha, ha.  I’m looking forward to church tomorrow night, even though it will be a small crowd.

The dogs are driving me crazy this morning.  Honi is barking like crazy and I haven’t a clue what for.  I’m sure it’s just fairy farts. LOL!

I have a few ideas for this year’s Christmas card, which will be part of my weekend as well.  Gotta get busy or be lost in the shuffle.  I hope everyone has a blessed and SAFE day.

Don’t drive faster than your Guardian Angel flies.

Why me?

I’ve lived my life with a great love for everyone.  Why is it that no one; but my son, has ever truly loved me?  My life is one painful thing after another.  I have so many questions about why my life has gone this way.

I mentioned the lie of last evening in an earlier post and the thing that gets me is that after telling me about his “love interest” he proceeded to offer me encouragement and made like our friendship had value to it when he knew he was lying.  So, I have to wonder, what did I do to cause, yet another, to intentionally hurt me?

I don’t even feel sorry for myself.  I accept that my lot in life is to be shit on by everyone.  I’m used to the pain.  I just can’t understand why.  Am I such a horrible person that I don’t even see it?

I pray for everyone.  I love everyone.  I give far beyond what I get.  I don’t even look for any type of payment for anything I do for others.  I know others don’t have a heart like mine.  I accept all this without complaint.  I talk to God about it all.  I give it to him and I have been so much better for it.  I don’t worry like I used to.  I am happy more than sad these days.

Heck, it’s not like I told the man I was moving to his town to be with him.  I wanted to just see where it would lead.  I know he’s healing and I just wanted his friendship and that maybe God would bless us one day.  A year, two years, five years, or never; but just get to know each other so we could see.  However, I received a slap in the face for caring.  I’ve never known someone to throw out a friendship and love from that friend, for just extending the hand.  I even told him that’s what I wanted.  Heck, I guess I misunderstood his responses to my straightforward statements.

Once again, I am the fool for being too much of a giver.  Funny, he told me he was the same way.  If that were true, I don’t understand why he’d deliberately hurt me like he did.  People like me don’t go out of their way to hurt others; because we know how much it hurts.  SMH.

Hurt people hurt people.

I pray to my Heavenly Father that He heals him fully.  I pray that his heart and mind are fully restored with all his hurts removed.  I pray he finds true love and happiness.  I’m not even mad at him.  I forgive him for hurting me.

I just wish I knew why he had to hurt me, just like everyone else.

Anger & Sadness

Dear Leif,

This will make the 2nd Thanksgiving you fucked me over!  The first one in 2014 when you tried to kill yourself and were an inpatient at the VA Bay Pines and now, this year, you had to die on me in September!  Thanks!  Some best friend you turned out to be. Ha, ha.

I miss you.  I miss how much we used to laugh.  Momma Bear, Michigan J. Frog, “sound effects”, and so much more.  You’re not here anymore.  I’m so sorry.

You’re probably laughing at me right now.  Jose Cuervo and I are celebrating together.  We both know that I’ll out last him.  Jose can’t compete with a crazy Irish gal.  “Don’t ask her on a straight Tequila night….”  BTW, drinking it straight from the bottle isn’t classy, I know, but who’s going to see me do it?  I was going to get all the stuff to make Twilight Zones; but you know I can’t resist my main man. Ha, ha.  We also know that this is not a normal thing for me.  I’m celebrating your life.  Cheers, BF!

The boy, of course, is hiding in his “mole cave” as usual.   I’m sure you know that Doug dropped dead.  You must be laughing at his dance in hell.    At least you’re not there.  I have the blessed assurance that you are in heaven.

Drove Anastasia to the airport at 4 am this morning.  So glad I could help her out.  I’m keeping busy these days.  Started painting again.  I’m making jewelry.  We decided to do a Nightmare Before Christmas themed tree this year, so I made ornaments.  We’re going to use that white tree again that you got for $5 two years ago. Will put her up tomorrow.

Finally found a place for all the shawls I made.  Donated them.  Going to be donating the hats, too.  I’m sure you know I’m downsizing.  I found a place to get rid of my books, too.  Don’t need all this shit.  You’ve told me that for years; but I’ve finally come to that realization myself and believe me, I won’t be able to move after the boy graduates with all this junk.  Who knows where I will end up?

I talked to Doris yesterday.  Your brother, Bob, is taking your passing really hard.  His guilt over not coming to see you is eating him up.  She says he’s skin and bones and constantly looks at the album and photos I sent to him.  He’s with Eric and your mom today.  Eric is still fighting with Kurt about the bs charges and the attorney told him he’d drop them for $2000.  We all know Kurt just wants money.  He’s so much like your father.  PURE EVIL!  I guess Bob is clinging to the only brother he has left, since they have both disowned Kurt for his crap.  Your mom is comfortable and they finally ran Erin off by not letting her call & make her upset.

I think I’ll make the Christmas cards this weekend and get them ready for mailing on the first.  I’m up to 4 miles on my bike and am thinking I may have to do something else to help with the “getting better” health.  This past week has been hard.  The pain has been excruciating in my face.  I’ve prayed for death.  I’m still here. 😀

Made a small turkey, walnut cranberry stuffing, rutabaga, green bean casserole, my creamy smashed potatoes, gravy and rolls.  Ian stuffed himself.  Turkey fell off the bone.

I think I’m going to sing today.  Maybe it will help.  Maybe it won’t.  We shall see.  Miss you, big guy.  Guard those gates well, Marine.  I’ll see you when I get there.  XO

Once again, the fool!

So, tonight, while having a chat on messenger, I was made the fool.  I was lied to about something there was no reason to lie to me about.  I would rather be hurt with the truth then lied to.  I really trusted this person not to hurt me like every other man has always done; but once again, I have been stabbed, in the heart, by someone who would rather lie to me than just tell me that they want me to fuck off.

I’m blunt and to the point in my honesty and I expect others to be the same.  The fact that I truly believe others will be like me is my own stupidity at work.  This person shared a photo of a woman he is interested in.  To me, she looked familiar; but I went with it.  It bugged me, so I went to his timeline and low and behold, there she is, HIS COUSIN!  LOL!  WOW!  I thought incest was a thing of the past; but am I a fool. Ha, ha.

Look, I’m a big girl.  You’re not interested, say so.  You want me to fuck off?  TELL ME!  Don’t lie to me.     I can take it.  I may not like it; but I can take it.

This past week has been hard on me, pain wise.  I have a low tolerance for other hurts on top of my pain, so this hurt me bad.  I cried.  This is a person I care about and pray for.  I will continue to pray for him and his healing.  I would even pray for his relationship with another, because I believe that everyone deserves happiness.  My heart is so full of love that I’d rather someone be happy with another than to be a bitch.  What would the point be?  They don’t want me but someone else, so why be bitter?  I truly want true love to prevail, even if it’s not with me.  (Unique, huh?)

Anyway, my feelings are hurt.  My trust is shattered and I did tell him off, nicely.  I had a husband that lied to me all the time.  I had a best friend who lied to me, stole from me and treated me like crap and I have to tell you, those two men hurt me a lot.  I’ve also had friends who betrayed me who were women, so I do have trust issues.  <sigh>  And yet, I still have faith in humanity.

I guess the hardest part is knowing I was lied to when the truth would have been so much easier.

Insomnia and Memories

Why is it that when you need to sleep the most, it doesn’t come and the memories of yesterday come sweeping in for me to review and judge?

I’ve been up since 4 am and I know it was after midnight when I finally fell asleep.  I couldn’t sleep because my mind will not shut down.  I reviewed my life and my mistakes.  All the times I opened my heart to another only to get screwed over.

My friend’s daughter had a baby in 2004.  She was living in utter squalor.  Didn’t even have running water or a toilet, so I gave her a choice, come home with me or I call CPS.  The baby was dying.  He looked like skin stretched over skeleton.  It was a shame.  He was not tolerating the soy formula he was given.  He was also lacteous intolerant.  By taking him in, I was able to save them both.  She got pissed that I wouldn’t let her deadbeat boyfriend stay, so she called her grandmother, who took her and the boy in; but refused the boyfriend, who eventually went off with another gal.  I’m the bitch.

I had a friend who came through Hurricane Katrina and used EVERYONE she could to get things.  She had men sending her money and gifts.  It was pathetic.  However, she also used me and when I truly needed her, she couldn’t be bothered to help at all.  I did so much for her and she couldn’t even write a letter of support for me and my son after we were abused by the ex.

Another time I befriended a gal at church.  She used and abused every member of our church.  She took money, stole, begged for rides everywhere, hurt so many people and then stood back and acted like the victim.

I have always had a heart for others and I guess that’s why I’ve been used so much.  I hurt so bad for all that I’ve lost; but I know God is watching and he knows my heart.  It’s not always been bad.  I’ve had a lot of friends that have not been bad at all.  I guess I just have been letting some “stinking thinking” happen, especially in the late night darkness.

Painting

I’ve picked up a paintbrush for the first time in 29 years.  I can’t believe I’m doing it.  As a crafty person, I am not surprised by the need to express myself; but I guess I never thought I’d start painting again.

I took art classes in high school and became pretty good at it at that time; but I left behind the paint and pencils long ago.  It wasn’t until I took a few free classes at our local Michael’s that I’ve found my inspiration once again.

Last night, I created a “Red Riding Hood” painting that I must say impressed me.

20161119_210630.jpg

Back in HS, I loved painting in both tempera and acrylic mediums. This painting is in acrylic and I’m relearning how to texturize, build and express myself through my work.  I have a heavy hand and have to learn to use lighter strokes to not push the paint; but allow it to flow freely to make the painting come to life.  I can’t force it, even though the control freak in me so wants to do just that. LOL!

I think Red is brave.  I think she is going to a place that even though she wants to, is also a bit afraid to go; but she’s pushing herself to do it.  There is so much that is unknown and she will conquer that fear.

I don’t know if I’m good.  I don’t know if I’m not.  What I do know is that I enjoyed the experience and I am pleased with the way it turned out.  I’m ready for the next one.  My art tends to be on the dark side sometimes; but I’m okay with that.  Sometimes we have to use the darkness in order to find the light.

So much pain

I am in so much pain I can barely breath.  My Trigeminal Neuralgia is at full force today.  The pain is radiating through my entire head and the numbness that is crawling across my face is making me crazy.  The light is obnoxious, the sound deafening and if I wasn’t such a bitch, I’d eat a fucking bullet right now.  Alas, I am not going to give into this mother fucker.  I will conquer it.

I’m allergic to pain medications, so I have tried several other methods of dealing; but to no avail.  Sometimes, nothing helps me at all.

I went to my class tonight and tried my best.  I could hardly wait to get out of there, though.  I love my instructor; but everything was so annoying to me tonight.  UGH!  I don’t even know how effective it was; but I was there.

I despise these out of control days.  I can’t take it when the tears stream down my cheeks in rivers of misery and  there is nothing I do can stop them.  TN SUCKS!!!  It’s year 24 of this misery and you would think I’d be used to the 24/7 crazy; but there are days I can deal and other days when no matter what I do, it overwhelms me to no end.

I remember back in 1997 when the neurosurgeon suggested that they remove the nerves from my face and I was horrified because there was such a high risk of permanent paralysis and I don’t think it would have helped anyway.  In 2012, I went to another specialist and he decided I wasn’t a good candidate for gamma knife surgery, either.  Nerve block did nothing.  Allergic to narcotics, can’t even take ibuprofen. This shit sucks.  I’m only 48 and I can only imagine the next 50 years of this pain.

OMG, I just realized I’ve lived half of my life with this shit!  UNBELIEVABLE!  I could just smack the doctor who did this to me.  Heck, I can’t even sue them because I was in the military.  I’m so over it.  I sometimes wish I were normal; but I’d probably be bored. LOL! Such is the life in the mind of a mad woman.

I was wrong

Well today, I made it up to 4 miles on my bike; however, the battery on the truck is dead once again, so I think I just have to get a new one.  I can’t wait to sell it.

Okay, so I was wrong.  I called my friend a jackass in an earlier post and I am the one who is the asshole. We chatted on messenger and he told me he’s dealing with his PTSD and is working on healing, so no social things that will complicate his life.

Boy, am I an asshole!  I so remember how it feels to have your PTSD take over your life.  How it steals your joy, makes your life unlivable and how your own mind steals your joy and leaves you in despair.

Now, once he revealed this, I went into “fix it” mode.   BIG mistake.  Why I do this, I don’t know.  I just went ahead, as usual, and worked up a solution to fix him.  Just like I always do when presented with a problem.  I try and fix it.  I treated it as if I can just say a few words and magically he’d be better.  What a putz.

So, late last night, as I came to the realization, I apologized to him for pushing him into a cure.  I have the tenacity of a bull dog and though this works in most situations, pushing a man into being well is not one of them.  I told him I’d back off.  It’s what is right.

So, true confessions time, again.  I was at church a couple weeks ago and during an intense prayer with Pastor Randy, in my mind, my friend leaned down and kissed me so passionately that I nearly cried out in shock.  I opened my eyes, looked around and couldn’t get over the heat of it.

I came home, messaged him with this tidbit and came to the conclusion that God is for us.  Well, I then proceeded with my fix, as per above. UGH!  Okay, so fast forward to this past weekend….I wrote out my “Reader’s Digest Abridged” version of my life, filled out a few “get to know me” survey things and sent him a booklet of healing scriptures I’d made and then mailed it out to him on Monday.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?  Well, basically, I wasn’t thinking, was I?  I can only imagine what he thinks of all this.  SMH  Let me tell you, I was brutally honest.  I told him everything from my hate driven mother, my abusive, alcoholic father to my sisters who resent me for reasons I have no clue as to why.  I gave him all the gory details of what my ex-husband did the night he tried to kill me.  I told him about the cheating.  I told him everything.

I’m nothing if not honest.  Even if it hurts.  I gave him the details about all my medical conditions.  I think I was trying to see if I could scare him off.  Who can tell?  I’m 1/2 nuts myself.  I even wrote up my resume as if I am applying for a job with him.

I spent 14 years with a man who lied to me just to lie.  Who blamed me for every detail of his wrong doing and how I am 7 years free from him and he can never hurt me or my son again; because he’s dead,  I just want to cry.  I am such a fool.

So, what I did by giving all the details of my life to this friend, I can only think that maybe I was testing the waters to see if he has could be scared off or not.  I’m really not sure.  I hate the thought that I may be sabotaging an “us” before it even starts.   SMH.

What I do know is that I’ve prayed for this man for the last year, ever since we reconnected on FB.  I pray for his healing.  I pray for his happiness, even if it does not include me.  I pray for his family and I pray that his life is filled with joy.

I have never acted this way toward any other man.  All I want is for him to be happy.  It’s what I want for everyone.

I told him that I would walk barefoot through the fires of hell for him and I meant it.  I am waiting on him and God to see where our relationship will go.  I told him that I am standing on the edge, balancing there, that I will not fall in love with him, yet.  I then let him know that when he & God told me it was time, I was not going to fall for him; but leap right off that edge, into his arms and never let him go.  We shall see if this will come to fruition.  Only God knows.