I just wrote the stupidest post of my life. Yeah, I’ve got some stupid crush on a man who couldn’t care less. I’m the fool. It’s always like this. I’ve got to start looking at the world with my head and not my heart. I’m too good for this jackass. I always have been.
Twenty three years ago when we met and hooked up, he was fresh out of a marriage that didn’t work. Now, all this time later, he’s been divorced for sometime; but is holding onto the hurt.
Twenty three years ago, he disappeared from my life and I couldn’t find him. He deployed. I was pregnant and miscarried the baby at 10 weeks. The fetus ruptured my fallopian tube and if not for some really good friends in my shop, I’d have suffered it alone. I’ll always be grateful for Anthony & Missy for what they did for me back then.
This guys still doesn’t know and I truly believe had he known then or even now, he’d not care. What I need to do is just move on and ignore this nimrod. I don’t need to be disrespected by some arrogant man who doesn’t even see me as a person. What I need is to see my son through this next year and a half and then proceed from there. I don’t need a relationship to fuck me up further. That, truthfully, is the last thing I need in my life.
I’m over the pity party. LOL! I always bounce back. I am a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need anyone in her life. IF….IF….one day I meet someone who can love me, flaws and all, then maybe I’ll try again. But right now, I’m where I need to be and where I want to be . I am a wonderful person and if my father, my sisters and this man doesn’t think so, it’s their loss. I will not lower myself to beg for love. I will not beg anyone for anything. I am so much better than that.
I know who I am. I’ve saved lives. I’ve loved wholeheartedly. I’ve given the shirt off my back for those who gave nothing in return and I was happy to do it. I am a genius; but my heart sometimes tries to rule my mind and I’ve got to just pull that bitch out of my chest, stomp on it and bury it in the back yard.
I will not do this to myself any longer.