Today is my 48th birthday. Whoopee (heavy sarcasm).
It’s been a good day. I was able to make 5 wire wrapped necklace pieces; but so what? I’m keeping busy. I went to dinner with my son, the meal sucked; but it was a restaurant we’d never been to before. I had one drink, a frozen strawberry margarita and then passed out candy to some trick or treaters.
So, what’s the problem? My heart wants what I cannot have. There’s a man I knew back in my USMC days who a year ago I reconnected with. He’s a great man. We’ve talked a lot over the last year; but for me, I want more. For him, I have no idea. Do I propose us getting to know each other better? Or am I wishing for things that are just a dream? I could so easily fall for him. I know I would be a devoted partner to him.
For me, it’s forever. I’m not looking for a fling. I want to take care of my partner until the end. I will be totally devoted to him and I know, if given the chance, I could make him happy. He’s divorced, lives a long distance from me and I have no clue if he’d even consider a “let’s get to know each other better” proposal from me. For all I know I am so insignificant in his life that he doesn’t even think of me at all.
It’s been a rough two months. First my best friend dies, then two weeks later, my cousin died. October 9th my Ex husband died, which for me was freeing; but I’m not so sure about my son. He says he’s fine; but who knows? I surely hope so.
With all this being said, do I even have the right to ask this man to be a part of my life? Do I put myself out there and get a possible rejection that devastates me? Do I take a chance? I’ve been hurt so much by so called loved ones that I don’t even know if it’s worth it for me to even try.
I’m a fuck up. My father has made it obvious that he believes that all my life I have been his “cross to bear” and I have two sisters who think I’m worthless, except when they need something and I cannot honestly recall what it is that I did to them that is so bad they feel this way. I’ve cut them from my life like cancer for my peace of mind and greater good.
I am loyal to a fault. I’d never cheat or intentionally hurt someone. When I love, I love with my whole being. I will give every day to that person and show them how much they mean to me. I don’t give up on someone until they’ve totally given up on me. I am a good cook. I’m a great care giver. I’m not afraid of hard work. I’m a protector and will fight anyone who threatens those I love. I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be.
I’m sarcastic, funny, fun to be with, open, honest, head strong, crazy and adventurous. I like to have fun. I come with baggage; but then again, most people do these days.
Maybe I’m a fool. I probably am. Fear of rejection is holding me back. I want to be brave; but I don’t want to ruin our friendship by proposing something that he finds repulsive. I guess I’m just nuts thinking this will ever happen.
I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve anything. No matter what I’ve ever done in this life, helping so many people and getting shit on in return is my lot in life. I deserve being used and abused. It’s all I’m good for. If not for my son, I’d have left this world long ago. My self esteem is in the toilet today. I’m having a big ole pity party and this is so not like me. Such is life.
Until I grow a pair, I guess I’ll never know.