So, I received a letter from my landlord today about a rent increase come January. I can’t afford the increase; because I’ve just lost $600 a month in child support. Great! I guess It’s time to move. My son just came out and stated it has not been our year and I do believe that’s the truth.
I have been so strong since Leif died, then David and then the ex. I have been in a lot of physical pain as well as emotional pain lately and my strength has been incredible. Right now, though, I am weak and falling apart.
I have been attacked twice by friends of Leif’s ex-wife, telling me to give Leif’s “stuff” to his children. SMH I cannot believe that they believe they’re entitled to his things after cutting him out of their lives in 2013 and that they actually believe I have anything of his. I am at a loss. Since 2013, he has been in and out of the hospital for various aliments, which finally led to his death. My heart is heavy with sadness that he is no longer here. He was such a wonderful person underneath his pain and hurt. “Hurt people, hurt people” and I understood that about him. I could see through his pain to who he truly was.
Both of my attackers told me that God would be judging me for my “sins” and that I would be going to hell. I cannot understand those who stand in judgment of me and who claim to “know” what God will do to me.
Believe me, I know that I am not worthy of God. I know that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior and that each morning I strive to be a better person and follow his teachings and I fail him daily. I am flawed, I am human; but I am trying to be a better person. Each time I fail, I ask Him for forgiveness and I know that he forgives; but Jesus has already paid the price for me. So, I ask, why are others telling me what God himself has told me is true, is not true? I don’t believe them; but I don’t understand them either.
I have cut out from my life, the people that have hurt me for so long. I even cut out my father and two sisters. Why? Because people cut out cancer when they have it, so why should I not cut out those who hurt you?
My son, who spent last summer with my parents and sister & her family, in Texas. He came back with tales of how fucked up my father and sister truly think I am. My sister blamed me for things that both my parents told him wasn’t true. You see, she can’t take responsibility for her own actions and blames me for a lot of the crap in her life. I truly don’t have that power. I never did. I guess I should count myself lucky she didn’t attack me physically, which would not be unheard of for her. She claims to love me; but proves she doesn’t each time she opens her mouth.
My youngest sister was cut off in 2010, after spouting off nonsense and then telling me that I was always the problem. I don’t want to be anyone’s problem, so I don’t bother her.
As for my father. Ah, I have tried my entire life to live up to the impossible dream he seems to think I am supposed to be living. In 2014, Leif called him and asked him to bury the hatchet over a fight we had. My father proceeded to tell him (and me, who heard it all on speaker phone) what a piece of shit, troublemaking asshole I am. He stated that I hold a grudge, I am vicious and vindictive and vengeful. That I take pleasure in hurting others as they have hurt me. Wow. I never realized I was so evil.
In all the years Leif knew me, he never saw any of that. I did not take revenge against my cheating, emotionally and physically abusive husband. Leif never saw me do anything that my father spoke of. Tigers don’t change their stripes.
What Leif did see was a woman who was used and abused by those around me; because I’m too nice. He watch a woman nearly steal me blind. He watched people manipulate me to get what they could out of me. He watched the world spit on me and became my champion to stop the madness. It seems whenever I stand up for myself, I am a bitch and the mean one.
I can’t even begin to understand what others think and feel about me; but I do know that I am a good person. I am trying hard to be better everyday and it isn’t easy when pain rules your life.