So, I’ve got this digital blog from many years ago that I’ve decided to turn into a kindle book. “Confessing My Sins” will be all the fantasies I’ve written. It’s more a collection of short stories that I’ve gathered with each chapter about different encounters. I’ve also got a book with my erotic poetry that I’ll also be adding to this, maybe between chapters. I just need to get this all out and who knows?
I’ve used the title, “Mind of a Mad Woman” since 1993, when I first started keeping my erotic writings instead of writing them and then tossing them. Poetry, short stories and journal keeping have been a lifetime thing for me. I have always written. I’ve always loved the written word and to be able to get it all out of my head onto paper has been therapeutic.
I remember back when I was in therapy the first time. Martin and I met weekly. It was hard at first. I was actually able to write a letter to my rapist and put that to bed. When the anniversary of that horrible day came and went without me even noticing and I could recount the story without crying, I knew I was better.
It’s the same as when my Ex nearly killed me in 2009. I can tell that story without a tear and I have put it behind me. Now, I will say that on occasion, when my pain levels are high and I’m feeling low about how my life is at that moment, I do beat myself up for my past mistakes. I’ll also confess that those days are incredibly hard on me and make me want death to come. Of course, I will not hurt myself. I have too much that still needs to be done before I leave this place.
It’s why I love to journal. I love to get it off my chest and put it to bed. It has helped me so much. I’ve been able to defeat my demons. I can’t help the nightmares that do invade my life and I was told they may never leave me. I can handle it. It’s part of the disease. PTSD sucks; but I work hard to stay focused on not letting it invade my life. I use my tools to stay in control.
Today has been a bad day. I have not had a voice to talk with. Sinus/allergy problems are making the TN extremely painful. I did go on my bike ride today, though. Four miles under my belt despite the pain. Oh and I got the new Metallica CD in the mail today. “Hardwired to Self Destruct” is the title and I can’t help but see how appropriate that title is for me. LOL!
So glad I don’t go out on Black Friday. I’ve only been out one time on this day, a million years ago and I vowed to never do that again. Not worth the hassle. Plus in my current condition, I’d probably get hurt.
I’ve been posting a lot lately because I’m making myself write daily to get better at writing. So, I’ll probably be posting again tomorrow. 😀