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Decisions

So, I’ve got this digital blog from many years ago that I’ve decided to turn into a kindle book.  “Confessing My Sins” will be all the fantasies I’ve written.  It’s more a collection of short stories that I’ve gathered with each chapter about different encounters.  I’ve also got a book with my erotic poetry that I’ll also be adding to this, maybe between chapters.  I just need to get this all out and who knows?

I’ve used the title, “Mind of a Mad Woman” since 1993, when I first started keeping my erotic writings instead of writing them and then tossing them.   Poetry, short stories and journal keeping have been a lifetime thing for me.  I have always written.  I’ve always loved the written word and to be able to get it all out of my head onto paper has been therapeutic.

I remember back when I was in therapy the first time.  Martin and I met weekly.  It was hard at first.  I was actually able to write a letter to my rapist and put that to bed.  When the anniversary of that horrible day came and went without me even noticing and I could recount the story without crying, I knew I was better.

It’s the same as when my Ex nearly killed me in 2009.  I can tell that story without a tear and I have put it behind me.  Now, I will say that on occasion, when my pain levels are high and I’m feeling low about how my life is at that moment, I do beat myself up for my past mistakes.  I’ll also confess that those days are incredibly hard on me and make me want death to come.  Of course, I will not hurt myself.  I have too much that still needs to be done before I leave this place.

It’s why I love to journal.  I love to get it off my chest and put it to bed.  It has helped me so much.  I’ve been able to defeat my demons.  I can’t help the nightmares that do invade my life and I was told they may never leave me.  I can handle it.  It’s part of the disease.  PTSD sucks; but I work hard to stay focused on not letting it invade my life. I use my tools to stay in control.

Today has been a bad day.  I have not had a voice to talk with.  Sinus/allergy problems are making the TN extremely painful.  I did go on my bike ride today, though.  Four miles under my belt despite the pain. Oh and I got the new Metallica CD in the mail today.  “Hardwired to Self Destruct” is the title and I can’t help but see how appropriate that title is for me. LOL!

So glad I don’t go out on Black Friday.  I’ve only been out one time on this day, a million years ago and I vowed to never do that again.  Not worth the hassle. Plus in my current condition, I’d probably get hurt.

I’ve been posting a lot lately because I’m making myself write daily to get better at writing.  So, I’ll probably be posting again tomorrow. 😀

 

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About irishgoddess1337

SAHM, Retired Marine, Christian who survived Domestic Violence, living with Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Migraine, TMJ, Trigeminal Neuralgia, Sleep Apnea and living my life for Jesus! My son is a teen! YIKES! I love music! My son plays drums in his High School Marching Band & Percussion group. We live with three fur babies -- Tippy the Corgi and Honi & Teddy the Poms. I scrapbook, stamp and make rag dolls for fun! I've recently started acrylic painting and making jewelry. Life is good!

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