Waiting on the Lord

Since the Lord gave me a “vision” several months ago, I have been waiting for His perfect timing.  I have struggled with this and had doubts.  However, the Lord is faithful and true at all times and has let me know numerous times when I have been in these times of doubt.  Whether it is perfect scripture at the perfect time, a photo, an encounter or a spoke word I have heard, He assures me of His continued work in my life to await His precious gift.  Timing is everything.

Last night, I had a moment of question; but not lack of faith in Him.  This morning, I went to my Girlfriends in God devotional and it was PERFECT!!!

http://girlfriendsingod.com/youre-not-yet-season/

This is just the latest answer I have received over these last several months.  WOW!  He is my world and I am so amazed by His devotion to me, a sinner, flawed so much; but devoted to Him and His love for me.

In the past, I have seen my prayers answered in so many ways.  I have heard His voice, LOUD AND CLEAR, in my head when I was giving up, telling me to stand!  I am devoted to Him and His perfect timing.  I despise when the enemy tries to push doubt into my heart and mind.  I know, I have seen and I will wait.

I remind myself constantly that He is faithful.  I remember all the times in the Bible that he has said, “Remember what I did for you in the past…..”.  I bring up those past blessing and remember and pray to Him in gratitude for His patience with me.  I pray my apologies for doubting, even for a second and I pray to Him that I will use my memories of His blessings to get me through until His perfect timing.

THANK YOU GOD!

My Son ~~ He was driving me crazy yesterday.  He comes into the living room, looks at my knee and says, “What did you do to your knee, Mom?”  I swear to you, I looked at him as if he had grown two heads and said, “I told you yesterday that I fell in the driveway.  We had an entire conversation where you asked me what I had done on Wednesday and I told you it all.”

“You did?”

So, I am more than a little annoyed.  I turn to an “expert” on boys.  A friend who has 3 of them.  I ask if this is normal boy behavior at the age of 17.  Turns out, it IS.  UGH!  Then, my son has the audacity to tell me, “You know, I really don’t know why you tell me “blah, blah, blah”, I don’t even care.”

Really?  WOW!  But wait, there’s more!  He gets annoyed with me that I am not talking to him.  I had nothing to say, so I was just quiet.  He asks me what is wrong and I tell him nothing.  He’s not convinced, so I begin to read him an article I was reading about what “Not” to put in your vagina and he took off like a shot.  SMH!

So as I am discussing my frustrations with my “expert”, I hear the boy in question laughing and talking to his friends on his PS4.  Expert tells me that, too, is typical boy behavior.

So, as a single mother, no man in my life; but the boy, I am at a loss.  However, I am not giving up, even though last night I might have wanted to give him up for adoption.  LOL!  Que sera sera!!!

Hello

Here it is, 1:30 am and sleep alludes me once again.  I hate it when I can’t sleep.  My mind just won’t turn off.  I went to bed at 11 pm and got back up after laying there, wide awake for an hour and a half.  UGH!  I hate nights like this.

My stomach is also bothering me for some reason.  I hate it when I get nauseous.  It’s usually when my pain is out of control.  I’m tolerating my pain right now; but the sick feeling is overwhelming.

I took the kids to see “Split” on Saturday evening.  Great movie.  The acting was superb.  The actor  (James McAvoy) who played the lead did an excellent job of portraying someone with multiple personalities.  The actress (Anya Taylor-Joy) was a joy to watch.  I couldn’t get over how beautiful this young lady is.  She was quite impressive as well.  The story was good and we all really enjoyed the movie.  No spoilers!!!!  M. Night Shyamalan did another impressive movie.

I’ve finished two books, been jewelry making like a fiend and even broke out the paints tonight and prepped a canvas.  A little over 2 weeks to go until the craft show.  I’m getting nervous about doing it; but I keep telling myself it’s only a half a day.

In the words of Mr. W.  “You’ll either sell it all or nothing, what do you have to lose?” LOL!  So true.

I was rather disappointed in the way this one product worked for me.  It was the glue I had to use for about 15 pieces.  It didn’t dry the way it said it would after more than 36 hours, so I put it in the toaster oven.  UGH!  My son says they look good.  Hopefully others will think so, too!

I have prepped them for sale; but still need to figure out prices and how I’ll display them.  I’m thankful that I got an indoor table.  Only God knows what the weather will be like that day and if it’s too hot or too cold I’ll be miserable. LOL!

My son got me into listening to the band, “Postmodern Jukebox” which do Jazzy versions of modern songs from various artists.  Great singing and playing.  He is so into Jazz and I couldn’t be prouder of him and his playing.  I was listening to him play the other day and he has come so far in his playing.  His original instructor and I were talking today and he is very impressed with the direction the kid is going in.

He is still deciding if he will be going with his grandparents this summer.  I told him it was his decision.  We don’t know how much time the old farts have, so I’m leaving it up to him as to what he wants to do.  I’ll figure out what to do with myself this summer with or without him. 😀

I’m going to be putting my book into pdf format over the next week and will begin the editing process.  It’s more of a “novella” than a book, since it’s about 40,000 words and not 70,000 plus that a novel needs; but I am happy with it thus far.  We’ll see where it goes from there.

As far as the singing goes, I really have to wait until my voice/throat is fully healed.  I tried; but I lost my voice and I don’t want to completely lose the ability to speak, so I’m putting that endeavor on hold for now.  <sigh> I can’t help but be a bit disappointed; but I will get to it one day. 😀

Still awaiting God’s plan for my love life. Still seeing the signs that he is guiding me.  Patience.  I’m learning patience.  Praying a whole lot these days.  Not that I didn’t always do a lot of praying.  I seem to do a whole lot of talking to the Lord about everything and anything.  Hey, when you need expert advise, you go to the expert!

Starting 1 Corinthians at Bible Study this week.  Finally got finished with Job.  That was a tough one and I look forward to this next study, Paul’s love letter to the people of Corinth.  How wonderful.  I know I will get a lot out of this one.

I’m going to try and get some sleep.  Hopefully, this time, I’ll get to do so. 😀

 

Who Am I?

I am a woman who thinks of death more than life.  I am a walking disaster.  I am a mistake.  Who am I?  I am fire & ice and heaven & hell.  Born as a substitute for a brother born dead a year earlier, I have been my parents greatest disappointment.

And yet, I am a happy, well balanced person — for the most part. 😀  Every time a bad thing happens to me, I rebound with strength.  I persevere.  I rise out of the ashes, like the Phoenix.  I do not know why.

Despite so many telling me how wrong I am.  Despite those who have broken me, I am still here.  I have been used by so many, yet, I still help.  I have been beaten, giving up, praying for death, and I am still here.  I have been lied to, cheated on, mentally and physically abused and I still stand tall.

I have had my heart ripped out of my chest, stomped on and given back and still, I am the same good person.  I have TMJ, Trigeminal Neuralgia, Fibromyalgia, Migraines, Sleep Apnea, Lupus, Endometriosis, and yet I am still fighting.  Why?  Why haven’t I given up yet?

I joined the USMC and left it all behind and a navy dentist broke me.  She destroyed my life and yet I am still here.  I have faced death 7 times and still I am here.  I have been molested, raped, and used sexually and I am still here.

Despite my brokenness, despite those who hate me, despite it all, I am still here.  I have forgiven everyone who has ever hurt me.  I harbor no ill will toward anyone.  I am at peace.  I do not know what the future holds for me; but I do know that for whatever reason, God still has a plan for me.

Each night, I thank God for getting me through it all.  I thank Him for listening to me when I was so lost.  I thank Him for all the wonderful memories He’s given me that block out the bad ones.

And so, as I now wait on the Lord, to direct me on the right path, I know that for some reason, He has a plan that is right for me.  Patience, though not my strong suite, is necessary, so I wait on the Lord.

Out of my comfort zone

I have a friend from childhood on FB who recently posted two videos with him singing on them.  He’s pretty good.  We were in choir together in HS and he had his own rock band back then that was pretty popular among our peers.  He also had a gal we knew from then sing back up vocals to his first song.  She was quite the singer back in the day, too.  Our music teacher commented on the post encouraging others to do the same.  Planted a seed in this crazy mind of mine. LOL!

I am seriously considering doing the same thing.  I love to sing.  I have a large vocal range and even put on a “One Woman” show back in 2005, which was met with acclaim.  I remember when I was stationed in Iwakuni and went to my first karaoke bar and was conned into singing a song with a friend.  I was so nervous; but I did it anyway.  I started singing and the entire bar went completely silent.  My two friends, who were with me, were slack jawed in awe.  It made me feel so good about my abilities.

I am not one who seeks out admiration from others.  I don’t like to be the center of attention; but I do just want to do what I love and if that makes others happy, then that’s great, too.  With that said, I am going to try it.  I’m going to sing some songs and then I’m going to post them on youtube and put it out there.  <shrug>  Who knows where it will go; but it will be me, raw and naked for the world to see.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have loved music.  It is timeless.  It is magical and it is beautiful.  It speaks to those who let it and resonates through the ages.  I cannot imagine my life without it.

Over the last several months, I’ve been pushing myself to do things I haven’t done in ages.  I am liking all these new experiences.  It is definitely pushing the envelope that is for sure.  I’d not do these types of things, at least not in a long time.  I’m finally off the back burner and have rejoined the human race.  Well, at least the creative side of it.  Ha, ha.

After school today, I sat here and listened to my son, who was playing his drums in the garage and I have to say I am very impressed with him.  I’ve watched him go from not being able to play at all to mastering the art.  What an impressive thing to have witnessed, the growth and development of a young musician.

Hopefully, I will be able to watch his talent develop into a wonderful life of music and a career he will blossom in.  ❤

Back to the world

So today was our first day back to Bible study for the new year after 3 weeks off.  It was nice and we covered the last 4 chapters in Job.  Job was a hard book to get through, however, we persisted and made it.  YEAH!  The lesson learned is that God is the one who is in control of the universe, not us and we need to remember that He giveth and taketh away according to His will.

We touched on so much over the last 6 months that we have been on this study and I must say that for me, it brought me more focused on the Lord and what he does in my life and what I do for Him.

While we were away on vacation, I did my own study called “Anchored” which helped me get through the grief I have been feeling this last year over my two babies in heaven.  My oldest would have been 24 in March and my next would have been 22 this month.  My oldest I found out about in the same day I lost her/him.  My second, I was 10 weeks along and with this one, I lost a fallopian tube, so my 17 y/o son is my miracle in more ways than one.

It was last January when the grief of these losses came on so hard that I was nearly crippled.  I turned to a dear friend of mine who listened, shared and helped me to begin the grieving process.  The biggest problem I had with grief back when it happened –  the first  happened so fast.  The 2nd one I had to suck it up; because my mother was grieving the loss my brother, who had passed 27 years prior.

Anyway, the study helped and I am grateful for having done it.  I still wonder what life would have been like had they both survived or even one survived; but I know that God has them in heaven and one day I will get to see them again.

I’m still waiting on God for the request I made of Him for my life.  I am practicing patience, which is much harder than I had anticipated.

I spoke with a friend and asked his advice on doing a local craft show and he told me to go for it; because I will either sell nothing or everything and I won’t know unless I try it myself.  I then asked him if I should make OOAK or Duplicates and he told me both.  It’s so nice to have someone in your life whom you can go to for advice.  I told him that I am available for him as well, when and if he needs me.

I’ve been very busy creating jewelry for the show and excited to see how it will be received.  Nervous, too.  UGH!  It’s on February 11th, so I have time to get enough made to sell.

Tonight’s dilemma is a wash cloth stuck in the garbage disposal.  I can’t get it out.  I haven’t a clue what to do .  I’ve pulled it, only to rip it.  I’ve tried to move the gears around; but they’re stuck.  I have read that I can use an Allen wrench in the bottom to get it loosened; but I don’t have one.  I guess I’ll have to buy a set and take it apart.  I just can’t call my landlord for something so trivial.  I feel foolish.  It smells, too.  UGH!

Another day in paradise.  I’m so glad the temps have risen back into the 70’s again.  The cold was brutal.  I hate my body sometimes.  Still smiling! Still loving life.

I am who I am

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We all become who we are by the experiences we have had.  As for me, I wasn’t always what I am today.  So, when I was chatting with a friend a few nights ago about the past, it was funny that my past should pop up in an unusual way.

At one time, I was a practicing Dominatrix and very active in the BDSM community.  I had numerous submissive males and a following.  So, while chatting with my friend, he made comments and this lead to me being recommended to watch the movie “50 Shades of Grey”.  LOL.  I had to text my friend about the “joke” I felt this movie is.

First off, I do understand in order for it to have a “R” rating, they couldn’t do much more than they did.  However, it was a joke.  The man has serious issues and as far as I’m concerned, he’s more likely a sociopath than someone who needs to be dominating anyone.  He has real issues and they aren’t healthy.  The fact that he punished her in anger is another thing that oversteps the bounds of safety, even if he made sure she used a safe word.  Give me a break.

Secondly, he was thrilled to death to be her first lover and took delight in being the one to do it.  Then, he pushes himself into her life at every possible chance he gets, similar to a stalker and is hot and cold all over the place.  SMH.  Not a good thing at all and truly has sociopath written all over it.

I messaged my friend and told the truth.  The movie is soft porn at its best and so mild as I would have let my 17 year old watch it.  Yes, it has sex in it; but hardly enough or explicit enough to be vulgar.  Heck, I wouldn’t let my son watch the American Pie movies because of the content; but this is tamer than that.  I can’t understand how people went so crazy about this series.  To me, it was hardly worth the 2 hours I had to sit through it.  SMH.

Personally, what happens in the bedroom should stay private and in the bedroom.  I don’t kiss and tell and I expect the same from whomever I date.  If you’re too immature for that then we won’t last but one date.  As an adult, what me and my partner do is TMI for anyone else.

 

Hidden Figures

If you have an opportunity to see the movie, “Hidden Figures” it is well worth your time and I give it a 5 star rating of OUTSTANDING!

What these women were able to accomplish astounds me in a world that was living in the stone age.  That fact that Ms. Goble had to walk 1/2 a mile to and from the bathroom had me so pissed off.  That Ms. Jackson had to petition the court to be able to attend school to become an engineer had me seething.  The fact that Ms. Vaughan had to steal a library book in order to advance her position had me cheering her on.  This movie is beautiful and I congratulate those brave Ladies for their part in making history.  I’ve always loved history and this movie did not disappoint.

Having not grown up in a time of segregation, it was appalling for me to witness the discrepancy. I cried, I laughed, I wanted to embrace those ladies for what they had to endure and thank them for it.

I’ve always believed in equal rights for all people.  I don’t think anyone is better than anyone ever.  I may be smarter than someone or more skilled; but I am no better.  I treat the janitor the same way I treat the CEO.  It’s my heart.

I remember one time in the Marine Corps when I was getting a “your people owned my people” lowdown from another Marine.  After his rant about how bad my ancestors were, I politely told him about how my Great Grandfather came over with his young bride to America in the early 1900’s and when they were looking for men to defend this country, he joined the US Navy in defense of his new nation.  I explained how my mother’s mother was born on the boat over from Ireland and how her father was also an immigrant who worked in the coal mines in PA and later died of a heart attack due to complications from Black Lung disease.  I explained how hard it was for them to survive and how they were both dirt poor.

I told him I made no assumptions about his background and how he should not make them about mine.  My OIC (Officer in Charge) overheard the conversation and clapped, he then chased this young man back to his van to get back to work.  (I worked in Avionics and we worked in van pads).  The Marine Corps taught me a lot of things.  It taught me that prejudice can be on all sides.

I grew up in a very small town and my best friend was not white.  We had family friends that were Jewish and I even went to Synagogue with them.  We had Puerto Rican friends that we shared many a meal & camping trips with.  This White, Catholic girl didn’t know any better.  I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to be friends with them.  I was never told to judge them based on their skin color; but by their character.  I didn’t know I wasn’t playing by the “rules”.  When they cried, I cried.  When they laughed, I laughed.  When they loved me, I loved them back.

I’m so glad that I am color blind; but I also appreciate those who have fought the fight to get us to today.  The people who have made a sacrifice to advance our culture and lives deserve the recognition for doing so.  Those who stand up for what is right and don’t back down.  The true heroes of our time.  I salute them. ❤

 

Happy New Year

So, it’s a new year and only 4 days until the kid goes back to school.  I’ve kept the kids busy.  We went to Russell Stover’s and Museum of Science yesterday.  It was a nice day for us and they seemed to really enjoy the museum a lot.

New Year’s Eve was spent going out to eat at Rib City, followed by church service.  We watched “God’s Not Dead 2”.  Great movie.  Cried, of course.  Makes you think, that’s for sure and the movie left an out for a third movie.

Took the kids to see the movie Sing, which I really enjoyed.  I wasn’t sure that I would; but I really did.  Cute movie.  Will probably buy it.

I’m deciding whether to sign up for a craft show on February 11th.  I’ve gotten busy making stuff for the day and went shopping for some supplies today that were on sale as well.  I’m going to be busy, that’s for sure.  😀   I’m hoping the craft show gets well promoted.  It’s being held at ICHS, so hopefully they do a good job of it.  Just wanting some advice about if I should go for it or not.

Things have been slow and easy here at the house.  I am taking down the tree tomorrow.  It’s been up long enough.  I can’t believe that Valentine’s Day stuff is already out.  Stores seem to push the holidays on us nearly as soon as the last one is finished.

Book work is coming along well.  Over 30,000 words completed.  The car is going in for it’s first scheduled maintenance check next week.  I finally hit over 4,000 miles this week.  Ha, ha.  Only took me 6 months. 😀

Mom turns 70 tomorrow.  Can’t believe it.  She certainly doesn’t act like it.  She’s just told me a few weeks ago that she wants to take my son and nephew on vacation this summer across country.  This, of course, is after I told her I was taking my son up north to visit with his siblings and to visit several friends.  I am not happy; but even if my son goes with them, I believe I will still go north to visit.  I can’t believe that she knowingly made these plans.  Same shit, different day, I guess.  I haven’t said anything to her; because there truly is no point.  SMH.

Well, I’m off to get busy making stuff.  HAPPY NEW YEAR!