I am a woman who thinks of death more than life. I am a walking disaster. I am a mistake. Who am I? I am fire & ice and heaven & hell. Born as a substitute for a brother born dead a year earlier, I have been my parents greatest disappointment.
And yet, I am a happy, well balanced person — for the most part. 😀 Every time a bad thing happens to me, I rebound with strength. I persevere. I rise out of the ashes, like the Phoenix. I do not know why.
Despite so many telling me how wrong I am. Despite those who have broken me, I am still here. I have been used by so many, yet, I still help. I have been beaten, giving up, praying for death, and I am still here. I have been lied to, cheated on, mentally and physically abused and I still stand tall.
I have had my heart ripped out of my chest, stomped on and given back and still, I am the same good person. I have TMJ, Trigeminal Neuralgia, Fibromyalgia, Migraines, Sleep Apnea, Lupus, Endometriosis, and yet I am still fighting. Why? Why haven’t I given up yet?
I joined the USMC and left it all behind and a navy dentist broke me. She destroyed my life and yet I am still here. I have faced death 7 times and still I am here. I have been molested, raped, and used sexually and I am still here.
Despite my brokenness, despite those who hate me, despite it all, I am still here. I have forgiven everyone who has ever hurt me. I harbor no ill will toward anyone. I am at peace. I do not know what the future holds for me; but I do know that for whatever reason, God still has a plan for me.
Each night, I thank God for getting me through it all. I thank Him for listening to me when I was so lost. I thank Him for all the wonderful memories He’s given me that block out the bad ones.
And so, as I now wait on the Lord, to direct me on the right path, I know that for some reason, He has a plan that is right for me. Patience, though not my strong suite, is necessary, so I wait on the Lord.