This evening, I watched the movie, “I’m Not Ashamed”. It is the Rachael Scott movie. Rachel was the first person killed in the attack at Columbine High School on April 20, 1999. I did not intend to watch this movie. Nope, nada, no way! Never wanted to watch it at all. EVER!
I guess I have to go back to April 20, 1999 to explain my reason. I was living in Navarre, FL at the time, sitting on my love seat, watching the event unfold on my television, just like a lot of people did that day. I was also 3 1/2 months pregnant with my son.
I sat and watched what I thought was the most horrific act of humanity I had seen in a very long time unfold before my eyes as the world went insane. I cried countless tears that day over 13 lost souls and for the two young men who ultimately took their own lives. I was a mess. I did not sit and blame anyone for this tragedy. I hurt for the gunmen as well as their victims. I was angry. I was upset; but most of all, I was scared.
I was afraid to have my son. I was afraid to bring a child into a world so out of control that children were killing children. Of course, this was not the first time that children had killed children. As a matter of fact, as a 14 year old girl, I babysat for a family whose first child had been killed, at the age of four, by another child with a gun in the home. Life is not fair. Events happen for reasons. Sometimes those reasons make no sense. Sometimes they do. Sometimes we can’t see the reason until it has long passed us by.
Nearly 18 years ago, as I watched this on live T.V. I was extremely distraught. I could not believe that I was going to bring a child into this craziness. I didn’t want to do it. I was terrified. I worried over my baby. I became hyper vigilant over his well being. I really believe at this time in my life, if I had been able, I would have kept him safely inside of myself forever. Life doesn’t always follow our desires and I’m sure that by now, if he were still inside of me, I’d look pretty weird. LOL!
I did finally get my anxiety under control and did bring him into the world safely and have been protecting him ever since. Sometimes that hasn’t always been the right thing and I did have to learn to let go of my iron fisted control. I have allowed him to become an independent young man (grudgingly) and support him in his dreams.
“I’m Not Ashamed” is a “Pure Flix” movie. I saw it at Redbox and decided to rent it, not realizing that it was about Rachel Scott. I just love to watch P.F. movies. I do not think I would have rented it had I realized it was about Columbine. I knew I’d cry. I knew I’d remember that day. I didn’t want to go back and become paralyzed with fear.
Several minutes into the movie, when I realized what is was about, the tears began to stream down my face. Miss Honi jumped into my lap and offered me comfort throughout the entire length and I got many kisses and snuggles. She’s an angel.
I watched a young woman go from faithful to questioning her faith to faithful once again. I watched her help those in need. I watched her compassion, heartbreak, struggle and growth. Excerpts from her journals were read throughout. We got first hand knowledge of her deepest thoughts and feelings. I got to know her on a personal level and she is the kind of gal a mom could be so proud to call daughter.
She was her own person and stood by what she believed in. Rachel touched many lives. She even told her best friend, Nathan, that she could not see her future, that she couldn’t see past the now, like she had no future. However, she also stated that she wanted to touch peoples lives, make an impact in Jesus name.
Rachel Scott has reached millions and millions of people. Her story, her faith and her death have touched the lives of so many, making the impact the young lady wanted in sharing her love for Jesus. She died, standing by her convictions and love of Jesus. She would not deny Him.
“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man would lay down his life for his friends!” John 15:13
Through great tragedy comes great hope. Rachel Scott is an inspiration and I am glad I was able to get to know this remarkable young woman through this movie. God has a plan for all of us. He can turn a mess into a message.