Yup. I have decided that even though I have full faith in God and what He can do for me and that He does have a plan for my life, I have no faith in the man in my destiny. I’m always the one to make contact. Sometimes he ignores me. He does not believe that we are meant to be.
So, recap: God gave me a vision, during prayer at church that this man was the “One”. I went a few weeks in awe. Then, I lost faith in the vision. The enemy was hard at work filling my head with doubt. I prayed about it and over the next week, God gave me signs.
He has a full first name, a shortened version of his name and a name that was from long ago that matches a “cartoon” character were my signs. As the days went by, I was shown his name in all three versions in different places. Song on the radio, seen the character while surfing the net and popped up while I was searching for something entirely different. I even was sent a Meme with the character and my name on it. Totally weird. This went on for a week with at least a dozen signs. LOL! So, I regained my faith in the vision.
Another month went by and the enemy once again slipped into my mind. He tried to bring me doubts. I prayed. God sent me at least 10 notifications about His perfect timing to include my morning bible study with GiG. I was floored. He is in control. I have no doubts at all.
I love the Lord with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind and all my strength. He is my everything.
Two days ago, Valentine’s day, I was at an all time low for the day. One, it would have been my grandmother’s 98th birthday and I loved this woman more than any other person when she was alive (she died while I was pregnant with my son) and was the most important person in my life. It was the first time I’d ever really cared that I was single on the day and I was just feeling shitty. The day got better and I’ll post that below.
I spoke to God in the early morning hours of the day, before I even had to wake my son for school the next day (15th). I’d had no contact with said “man” since the week before and I was determined to not be the one to do the contacting. I am so hurt and discouraged at this point.
Anyway, I told the Lord that I give up. I have no faith in the man that he will ever love me for who I am. I have told God that I have complete faith in Him; but absolutely NO faith in the man at all. He is determined to not be in my life, so I am giving up. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life. I turn on the television after I get my son up and low and behold, there is an accident on the road that has his first name. Not funny, God. I am at peace though and I am glad I have renounced my faith in the man. If God can change him, that’s their thing, not mine. He will always be my hero. I will always love him for the man he is. (Notice not IN LOVE — big difference). All I wanted was the chance to get to know him and he has refused even that. <shrug> I think I have leprosy or something.
While speaking a few weeks ago, I jokingly told him that I’d meet him at his Dad’s house and wait for him. He told me “good luck” and I countered with You told the family I am crazy and he’ll be embarrassed when he falls in love with me and marries me. He said, “Or myself”, meaning he’d have to convince himself that he’d fallen in love with my crazy ass. <shrug> Okay. To be honest, I don’t even think he likes me at all.
Let me say plainly that he is working on his own issues and is not ready for anyone to be in his life and I totally respect this in everyway. I know that the Lord is teaching me patience; but I am easily manipulated by the enemy, so I pray numerous times a day to keep myself in check with the Lord.
So, Valentine’s day was great. I picked up my son and his friend at school and his friend took us out to dinner as a thank you for all I do for him. He is such a sweet young man. We then rented a few Redbox movies and watched them at the house. Great evening with two great young men.
I am at peace, I am not going to “wait” for something I do not believe I will ever have. I am over feeling sorry for myself. I hate pity parties. I will forever be grateful for this man in my life as a friend; but I will not hope for anything more than that. He has made it abundantly clear to me that I am pushed way into the friend zone. You don’t need to slap me upside the head with a two by four. I got it.
I did do a compatibility of our birthdays. I don’t do horoscopes at all. That is against what God teaches; but I do believe in birthday compatibility, so I did one and OMG if we were to get together it would be hotter than the desert at high noon. We are both strong signs, hot sex, passionate in and out of the bedroom and both fight for what we believe in. Stubborn as well. LOL! We’d be a power couple that would be able to take on the world and nothing could stop us. WOW! <shrug> Whatever. His loss. I am a little hurt that he doesn’t even want to get to know the real me or open up to me about himself; but like I said: His loss. I will ever go onward and upward. I am a strong woman who will always land on my feet and be successful. I am UNSTOPPABLE!
I love me.