Well, this has been a bad week thus far. Monday evening the constant pain crept up a notch. Slowly over night, it became more and more excruciating. By Tuesday morning, I was praying for death. I stayed in my blackened room. (I’ve stapled black trash bags over the windows and have two black sheets for curtains out of necessity for these days) Sound, light, and smell are so heightened on these days that being in a darkened room is for the best.
Trigeminal Neuralgia is so hard. It is especially hard when you have full facial nerve damage and suffer with it 24/7 – 365 for 24 years. On a daily basis, I have numbing that crawls across my face to the back of my head like a worm beneath the skin. Certain facial movements cause lightning strikes to go off. A kiss can turn into a storm!
However, after all these years, I have learned to deal with the pain. I push it back by keeping busy and distracting myself from concentrating on the pain. There are some days when I can’t handle the pain. It overwhelms and lays me low, like this week. It didn’t help that a rainstorm came through yesterday and intensified the pain. UGH!
I have had this disease for 1/2 of my life now. I can’t even remember what it is like to not have the pain with me constantly. Sometimes eating or drinking will cause me such intense pain I want to cry; but I don’t. I wear the mask. I keep it to myself. So much of my illness is personal. I just don’t share it with the people in my life. Most people don’t even know I have problems; because I’ve never told them. I use this blog, though, to get it out of my mind.
Life has not been good to me. I have made the best of every bad situation. I’ve looked for the good in it all. Each lesson is taken to heart and has not stolen true self. I’m sure I will be used and abused again; but I’m hopeful that I will stand strong after it is all over.
God’s plan for my life is what is getting me through it all. I look forward to what he has in store for me. I’m actually a bit impatient for Him to start this new life; but I’m trying so hard. It is not easy. I pray A LOT!