Prompt….

I’ve been doing some guided journaling with prompts in my personal journals and one of the prompts was to describe something that is happening with my body, without emotions, but the physical manifestation only.  Suggestions were sex, work, etc.  I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do until my head started twinging and I knew what was coming.

MIGRAINE!!!

I’m sitting in church, listening to the sermon, under the florescent lights and it begins.  I feel a twinge over my brow.  It is always like this under the bright, white lights. I take a deep breath and try to concentrate.  It isn’t easy, I know what is coming.  I glance at my watch and wonder how much longer I can sit here.  A small pulsing begins to take form in my head and I know it won’t be long until it spreads.

I feel the pain inching its way across my forehead.  UGH!  Not now.  I try to listen to what the Pastor is saying; but it is a lost cause.  I am trapped in the ugliness.  Time ticks by second by second.  I can almost feel the second hand on my watch moving slowly around the dial.

Breathe.

Slow, steady breaths, in and out.  Trying to hold it together until the last Amen.  My stomach begins to turn.  Great, the nausea is starting.  I pray to God that I won’t throw up.  I stand up for the benediction and quickly escape to the exit.  I leave so as not to have to talk to anyone.  So I do not have to stay another second under those lights.

The car ride home is a blur as I am lost in my body.  It takes all that I have within me to make it to the front door.  Pain lashes my head, spreading rapidly, outward and inward.  I’ve squinted my eyes from the harsh lights.  I have no music on; because the thought of a noise will make me implode.  Breathing in and out.

The car air freshener is making the nausea worse.  I want to throw it out the window; but I don’t; because the effort is way too much.

HOME!!!

I pull in the driveway and stumble to the door.  I go inside, grateful I can lay down.  I pop 3 Excedrin, go to my room, strip out of my clothes, climb in bed and pray for relief. It is pitch black in here.  Perfect.

I lay on the bed, not moving a muscle.  If I move, the pain will shift and lance through me once again.  I do what I hate to do in these times…..I concentrate on the pain.  Each beat of my heart has the pain pulsing through my head.  My hair hurts.  I am paralyzed by my thoughts as my focus is intently on the crushing, violent stabbing going on inside my body.

I’m sweating. I shiver.  My stomach is rolling.  I can hear noise in the distance, as if a thousand buzzing flies are somewhere close by.  Don’t concentrate on the pain.  It’s too much to handle.  Let me black out.  Time is my enemy as the seconds turn to minutes.  I feel each one of them as they slowly drone on.

Zap.  Stab.  Throb.  Pain so crushing I think my head will cave in, my sight will disappear and my stomach will empty its contents all over the place.

Praying, praying, praying.  “God, help me through this pain.”  I say it over and over and over again.  Nothing seems to help.  The meds take too long to kick in.  The internal struggle is torture.  It is days like this that I hate my body.

I finally drift away in oblivion. I pray rest will restore my body.  I am so weak. Migraine hang over will soon encompass me and I hate that almost as much as the Migraine itself.

Ortho today

I went to the Orthopedic doctor today and NO SURGERY!!!  YEAH!  So grateful to God for this blessing.  I’ll be in Physical Therapy; but no cutting.  I was a wreck going into this appointment.  I listened to all the cousins tell me how horrible it was going to be.  How painful it was going to be and how long I’d be down; but turns out, I was making a mountain out of a molehill.  😀

I prayed to God about how I didn’t want to have surgery.  I just can’t be down for that kind of time or that kind of pain when I can only take Tylenol.  The doctor, however, was very impressed with my tolerance for pain.  After explaining the original injury in 2009 and how I first had the EMT put it back in place and then put it back in place myself by slamming my shoulder into the wall, he was even more baffled.  He told me he was impressed with my tolerance, especially since he used to be a sports medicine doctor for MLB and has seen the same injuries on the field with a lot less tolerance.  I left the office in high spirits and praising God for His mercy!!

I just took a personality test on  http://www.16personalities.com  that identified me as INFJ or Introverts, Initiatives, Feelers, & Judges, I have to say that once I saw the results it all makes sense.  I often wondered why I am so often misunderstood.  Why I feel things so much more than others.  Why I’m so different to others and why I can write things far better than I can verbally communicate things.  Anyway, I got a better understanding of the way I am vs the universe and I have to say it is nice to know that I am not as unusual as I think I am.  I’m part of the 2% of woman and 1% of men who fall into this category.

I’ve been working a lot on my journaling this week.  Just trying to get the thoughts out of my head and onto paper.  I’m using journal prompts to get it out there and it’s interesting some of the prompts I’ve come across.

I’m getting ready to send out some additional RAK’s for this month since I wasn’t able to do so while I was down with the shoulder.  I also made a painting, inspired by our trip to the Ringling Bros. Museum. 20170316_203717

God Bless! ❤

Shoulder UGH!

MRI was Thursday and Urgent Care called to tell me I have a torn rotary cuff. I see the Ortho Doc on Wednesday to get the full scope.  Anyway, since this left shoulder has given me trouble since the assault in 2009, I’ve decided to share that story here for the first time.

On June 15th at approximately 2300, my husband, Douglas E. Hanlon, came home drunk after having an altercation with the neighbor up the street. I was returning from the bathroom to the bedroom when he confronted me. He blindsided me with a hard smack to the left ear, which stunned me, causing me to not be able to hear, intense pain, followed by a sharp ringing sound. He repeated this action for a second time. He kicked me, came at me again and I put my arms out to stop him and pushed him away, causing him to fall into the printer stand, knocking it to the ground. He lost his balance and fell toward the printer; but grabbed my arm, wrenching it as he went down and pulled me down with it. My left shoulder was dislocated from it’s socket.

I tried to pull away from his grip; but he held on tight and the pain was too much. He took the thumb of his left hand and jammed it into my right eye socket, trying to blind me. I leaned down toward the hand holding my arm and bit into his finger until he finally let go of my left arm and punched me in the mouth. I got up. I grabbed my cell phone from my desk and ran toward the bathroom to try and call for help. He grabbed me from behind by the ponytail and swung me around and began to punch me in the face repeatedly. As he was punching me, he kept stating “This is for your BFF” (Best Friend Forever). When I went down, he proceeded to kick me. He then grabbed my pony tail as I lay face down and put his hand onto the back of my neck and then began to jerk my head up toward the ceiling. It caused me to gasp for air and began to choke me. I gave up all resistance because I truly feared for my life. I felt that he was trying to break my neck. All the while, he kept stating that all he ever wanted to do was love me. I dialed 911; but I am not sure that the call went through or not. He grabbed the phone out of my hands yelling, “That’s right, call the police – Help me, my wife is assaulting me.” He then kicked me in the face, causing me to go backwards, and fall down onto the bathroom floor and broke the cell phone, while screaming at me to tell our son that I was just fine. He sat down on the toilet seat and kicked my head and back while Thomas & Ian looked on, screaming and crying, asking if I was okay. I couldn’t move or seem to catch my breath. I was done. I couldn’t go on anymore. I could taste blood in my mouth as he repeatedly kicked the back of my head. I gave up. He won, I was going to lay there and die. I heard a voice in my head tell me to open my eyes. I didn’t want to and refused. The voice came again, this time louder, echoing through my brain, “Open your eyes!!” I opened them and could see Ian & Thomas as clear as day, even though my glasses were not on. I am blind as a bat without them.

I got up and hugged my son and stated that I needed ice. He let me head toward the kitchen and I ran out the door. I was going to go to my next door neighbor; but he followed me out into the yard and punched me again, dragging me back to the house by my pony tail, so I decided to try to get back to the house phone for the call and told him I really needed the ice. We went back into the house and he called me several names and was rather p.o.’d that he was bleeding. He stated that he never hit me and that I was a delusional bitch. He stated I was lying about him hitting me and I was going to jail for assault.

My son’s friend (Thomas) and my son (Ian) were very upset. His friend expressed concern over his parents and I had him call them. All the while, Doug was screaming that Thomas’ father was at home killing his mother. He kept telling Thomas that his mother was dead; that his father killed her. Thomas called his house and his father answered. Thomas talked for a moment, and then stated that his parents were coming to get him. Doug then stated that he was going to retrieve his knife so that he could kill his father. Doug ran upstairs and the boys followed, all the while crying and screaming that he couldn’t do it. I used that opportunity to once again call 911 and gave my name, address and information to the dispatch. I was patched to ECSO and they stated a car was on the way.

I ran out my door and the police were there. I was instructed to remain outside as they proceeded into my home, guns drawn, and handcuffed my husband and put him in the squad car. Thomas’ parents came and picked him up while I was outside and he went home. I spoke with the Deputy and an ambulance was called, which took me to Sacred Heart Hospital.  An EMT put my shoulder back into place before we left.

At the hospital, x-rays and a CT scan were administered and I was treated for a concussion, contusions, abrasions, sprains and minor injuries to my face and mouth.

I took pictures and carried them around in my purse for a long time to remind me during the hard times that I am a survivor.  The shoulder popped out several times over the next month and I would slam my shoulder into the door jam to put it back in place.

In 2012, I had a 3D MRI in Tampa of my head and trigeminal nerve and was told I’d had three micro strokes due to the traumatic brain injury I suffered at the time of the assault.  So pissed.  I’ve also suffered a lot of pain and numbing in my left arm and should since that time as well, so I guess it was just a matter of time before all this happened.  <sigh>  Even from the grave, the bastard is still screwing with me.

 

 

Life’s like this sometimes

Today, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on my life.  I reread a few messages I’ve received from a friend who gives great advice and I realize what a wonderful mind he has and what a great way with words.  I admire those who can articulate well.  In a world of hashtags, abbreviations and slang, it is a great thing to be able to string more than two words together that make sense.  So many of my son’s friends can barely speak correctly, let alone write a sentence.  Writing almost seems a lost art; but I hold on to hope.

Anyway, I digress.  This beautiful person’s words so touch my heart and when I compliment, it doesn’t seem to mean as much to him as it does to me.  SMH.

Since injuring my arm/shoulder last week and having the MRI today, I have been a bit sad.  Things don’t seem to be going the way I want them to and I’m not letting God have control and believe me, He’s let me know it, too.  He sent me a scripture about it, too, just to make sure I was paying attention.  Can’t get more specific than “Beautiful things will happen when God says it’s time.”  Oh and I received this as my message from God that day, too:  “Trying to force life to unfold faster than it is mean to is futile.  Call forth your patience and let it move at its own pace.”

Anyway, I saw this injury as a setback and began to get really upset.  I made it into a major deal, even though I just had the MRI today and have no idea the extent of the injury at this point.  I’ve imagined the worse, made it a major setback and have been so upset by the whole thing.  Of course, the fact that the pain was so horrible I wanted to rip the arm off and beat someone with it is beside the point.  I couldn’t even handle pain anymore.  Too much after too long suffering uncontrollable pain as well as not being able to take anything to dull the pain was just too much for me to cope with and I had a mini freak out.

The pain is manageable today and that is a plus.  I began reflecting on my life.  Where I am, where I am going, where I want to be and what God has planned and the path to get there.  I am overwhelmed with it all.  I had to step back, let go of control and let God do the work.  It is not easy.

I have this great hope in God and His plan for my life.  I want it yesterday.  I get overwhelmed by it all.  I sometimes wish He never let me know the plan.  LOL! However, that would not be teaching me the patience He so wants me to learn.

I so wish I could sit down and discuss it with Him in a way that He’d explain it all; but I know that won’t happen.  It’s just not God’s way.   So I, like so many other believers, have to wait and see as this plays out, one day at a time.  I am struggling.  Not that I have doubts in Him.  I have doubts in me.  I have doubts in the plan of how.  I have doubts in the other person coming around.

I’m doing so much praying these days.  I just hope that I will grow closer to Him and him.  I guess only time will tell.

Life’s Lemons

For the last 24 years, I’ve been in pain 24/7 for 365.  This is a fact, not a whine.  This new pain is bringing me down low.  Just when I think this is going to be my year, life kicks me in the gut.  I don’t think I’ll ever catch a break.  I truly hate to complain about the pain; but it is so bad that I am back to vomiting over it.  UGH!

I finally decided that wearing a button down shirt is my best option.  It is the “least” painful thing to wear when you have to go from one outfit to another.  It is still painful; but I’m not having to lift my arm as much as when I wear a pull over.

The pain is radiating from the fingers up to my neck.  It is excruciating and I want to scream all the time.  I’m not; but I want to do so.

I sometimes feel like God is playing a joke on me.  That I am the butt of all of his jokes.  “Hey, look what I can do to this gal” and the next disaster strikes.  I take it all in and smile while I’m doing it because I know He’s got my back and won’t let me flounder.  Boy am I a fool.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love God with all my heart and soul. It is just that I feel so lost and alone.  For every step or two I take, I am kicked back a mile.  I haven’t been able to do anything outside of the house in almost a week.  I just drove my kid to and from school and a small trip to the grocery store; but that was exhausting to me.

I haven’t even made dinner in three days.  No, my kid won’t starve; but I’ve always made sure to make him a meal and I just can’t do it.  I’m so wiped out.  I can’t even brush my hair.  It’s a raccoon’s nest on steroids!!!  I look like holy hell.

If this is supposed to teach me something, I certainly would love to know what.  I also feel that I could have learned the lesson without the pain.

My MRI is on the 16th and ortho appt. is on the 22nd.  I can hardly wait to see what happens.  I just want to move forward.

Sometimes Life Sucks

In 2009, when my ex tried to kill me, he managed to dislocate my left shoulder.  It has not been the same since.  It took me several months to get it to stop popping out and having to put it back in place by slapping it into the wall.  Not fun.

Well, this past week, I lifted my arm and BOOM!  It is ruined!  I’m in an immobilizer sling right now and awaiting an MRI on Thursday and follow up with an Orthopedic dr.  UGH!!! I can’t believe this is happening.  I can never seem to catch a break!

The pain is immense.  It has been so bad that today is the first day I haven’t sat up and vomited.  I’m taking Tylenol for the pain.  Yup, that’s it.  Nothing more.  Thank you body for hating me so much that I can’t take anything stronger.

At present, I am cursing the universe for this one.  I’m also cursing the ex for it as well.  I can’t brush my hair.  I can’t lift my arm so I can only imagine when I’ll be able to wash it and going to the bathroom is murder!  I never knew how hard it was to pull up the panties one handed until now.  OH and the dance I have to do to accomplish it is too funny.

I cannot even begin to tell you the pain this thing has caused me over the last 8 years; but I never expected it to turn out like this.  I even kept my kid out of school to help me; because I am useless.  UGH!

Now, I await test results and doctor inquiries.  I am not happy about this at all.  No I Am NOT!  It’s times like this, I wish I had someone who could take care of me.  Alas, I do not, so I will figure out how to do it all on my own.  That’s how I usually do things anyway, so why should this be any different.

Any movement is painful.  I have cried more than I care to admit from the pain.  Sleeping is hard.  Changing clothes is hard.  I changed into this nightgown and I will not be out of it anytime soon.  IT HURT!!!!

Time is crawling by slowly.  I’m trying not to borrow trouble; but I guess I need to just pray and hope.  It is all I can do at this point.

Cruelty

It’s been six months since my best friend died and after my last post, I’ve been reflecting on that relationship and how toxic it truly was. And yet, I took care of him until his dying breath.

We became friends thanks to our children and our exes.  Our children are still best friends.  Our exes destroyed our lives.  Two families ended because two people wanted to play games with our lives.

After my ex tried to kill me in 2009, I was able to relocate and since his ex was not allowing him access to his children, even though he did nothing wrong, he decided he, also needed a fresh start and decided to move with us.

We got a three bedroom house, decided to split living expenses and move away from the two people who were trying to hurt us the most.  He knew if he stayed she’d do something to either put him in jail or worse.  I knew when my ex got out of jail he’d taunt me and torment me for fun.  It was for the best.

My son & I got help.  We were in therapy for a long time.  We began to heal.  My best friend began to drink himself through the pain.  My divorce was final March 2010 and his September 2010.    It wasn’t long after that when we became lovers.  We loved each other; but not the way a man and wife would.  I think it was more convenience than anything else.  Being lovers ended when I had to force us apart when the destruction became too much for me to bear.

He had a mother f*cker in him that was on a crash course to the end.  The more he drank, the worse he became.  He moved into his own apartment in early 2012.  I couldn’t take his cruelty any longer.

We disagree.  He’d get angry and try to force the situation.  He’d destroy my property.  He would throw things around the house.  He’d dump icy cold water on me while I was in the shower.  He’d throw my things out in the yard.  He never paid a single bill, I had to pay for everything.  His check was his own to do with as he pleased.  He cut holes in my clothes.  He would pull meals out of the oven or off the stove and throw them in the trash, uneaten.  He destroyed two of my computers.

I would lock myself in my bedroom, only to have him pick the lock and come in to further torment me.  He would trap me with no escape route so that he could get in my face and tell me what a horrible person I was.  He always told me that my son didn’t love me and was just like his father, just using me.

I spent many nights on my knees in the closet, praying to God to end it.  I wanted to die and I wanted out and I wanted to be free and I wanted it to stop and I wanted it over.  And yet, it went on until I cried so many tears I didn’t think I’d ever cry another, but I did.

I am not innocent in all of this, believe me.  I screamed back at him.  I tried to defend myself.  No matter what I did, I was never good enough and he’d use my behavior as a weapon against me, even when all I was doing was defending myself.

Then, he’d calm down and apologize.  I walked around on eggshells most days.  I never knew what would set him off.  I tried to tell him to get help; but you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.

In 2014, it was the beginning of the end for him.  He started to become really sick.  I stood by him.  He had no one else.  I took him to doctors.  I became his health care advocate.  I took him back into my home when he was so sick he couldn’t care for himself and I was there with him when he drew his last breath.

I helped him to reunite with his brother, whom he had not spoken to in over 30 years.  I took care of every intimate detail of his life.  He was saved and accepted Jesus as his Savior and I know he is in peace, in heaven, right now.

I’m not a saint.  I’m a sinner.  I never did to him the things he had done to me.  He’d push me and I’d push back; but his cruelty was sometimes more than I could bear.  I’d cry, he’d call me a titty baby.  He was good at name calling.  He was good at breaking a person.  But, through it all, I was his friend.

He told me constantly that he loved me.  If that is love, I want no part of it.  I loved him, too; but I wasn’t in love with him and that’s a big difference.  He was like a brother to me.  I never understood the demon on his back.  I have since made peace with God over all that transpired.  I would help him again.  No one should die alone and unloved.

I am not a monster.  I have seen my share of meanness.  I have looked death in the face.  I am at peace with who I am in this world, even if no one appreciates me or loves me.  Despite what people think of me or say about me, I know who I am and what I have done.  Cruelty is not in my DNA.  I’m a call it like I see it kind of person.

In reflection, I see that the people who don’t love me or like me or whatever; are the ones who have hurt me and didn’t like it when I treated them as they did me.  My father doesn’t like it that I stand up for myself.  My sister hates it that I no longer put up with her bull sh*t.  I call a spade a spade.  They think it was so much better when they walked all over me and I let them; but this gal learned to stand up and not take it any more.  I have worth.  I have value and I don’t deserve to be mistreated.

I may never be loved in this life; but that is okay.  I know who I am and so does God and that is all I need.

Love

I’ve never been loved.  Yup, that’s right.  My son loves me; but I’m his mom and it’s kind of a given.  However, to my knowledge, I’ve never been loved by a man.  My ex never loved anyone, he didn’t know how to.  His was a psychopath, so he just didn’t know how.  He spouted it to every woman he ever met; but the true definition of it was lost on him.

As for my best friend, well, he loved his beer more than anything in the world.  He couldn’t love anyone.  Not truly.  At the end of his life, it was always himself he loved and of course, his sons.

My parents have never loved me.  My mother’s favorite thing to say to me growing up was “I hate you, I wish you’d never been born.”  Harsh; but true.  I fought the first 18 years of my life trying to get her to love me and I failed, repeatedly.  No matter how hard I tried, she was still saying it when I was 26 years old.  I was no longer in the USMC and trying to readjust my life around my disabilities when she once again dropped that bomb on me.  I finally stood up to her over it and she hasn’t said it since; but I don’t believe her words of love now.  She just wants to keep the peace so I don’t take her grandson away from her.

My father let it be known 3 years ago what a piece of crap he thinks I am and how he and my sisters can’t stand me and have had to put up with my shit for years.  Oh and my sister let it be known to me last fall that she thinks I’m psychotic.    I can’t even begin to care at all.

The reason I bring it up is because I think there must be something wrong with me.  I present to the world a good person.  I give of my time, my love, my money, my soul to anyone who needs.  No matter what I do, no matter how much I’ve let people use me, I have never been loved.

Men have used my body.  Children have used my kindness and caring.  Women have used my friendship and giving nature.  No one feels the need to give me a thing in return.  And so, I am fatally flawed.

I have looked for love in all the wrong places.  I have never found a thing.  Believe me, I don’t feel sorry for myself.  I am just curious as to why I am so flawed.  I just can’t figure it out.

I had a long conversation with God today and asked him to help me get my son through school and then I will move away, far away and live my life in seclusion.  I don’t want anyone in my life.  I am flawed and I don’t want to ruin anyone else.  Hopefully, God will take me home and I won’t have to hurt anyone with my unlovable self.

The Shack

If you want to see an extraordinary movie, I highly recommend “The Shack”.  You will laugh, you will cry and you will experience a miracle as long as your heart is open.

As someone who has suffered incredible pain in my life from so many sources, I definitely felt healing was the main purpose of this incredible movie.  On the way home, I stopped and bought the soundtrack and the book to read.  (Yes, I am nuts, but I’m okay with that.)

Sometimes when this life has dealt us too much pain to bear and we let it surround us and encompass us, we lose our hope.  We blame ourselves, we blame others and we blame God.  However, this movie introduces us to God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit and lets us see through their eyes.  Oh, the power of this movie is tremendous.

I spent time praying for another’s hurts while watching this movie.  I couldn’t NOT pray.  This movie has moved me beyond mere words.  To say it is powerful is an understatement.  Since seeing the previews, I have been drawn to this movie.  I am so grateful I went to see it.

I also had the pleasure of sharing the experience with two great women friends.  Each woman felt the same way.  Anastasia had previously read the book and mentioned that it was one of the few movies she’s seen that actually does the book justice.

My girlfriends and I enjoyed a wonderful Italian meal afterwards and great conversations as well.  I cannot imagine a better end to a great day than a movie and meal with friends.

My heart wants me to share the movie with the man whom God is preparing me for; but I don’t know how to broach the subject with him at present, so I am sure that God will reveal the way.

I love the Lord.  I rejoice in being saved by Jesus and I so hope that by sharing with others that they will come to know God through me.

 

Happy March!

Can you believe it is already the 3rd month of the year?  WOW!  How quickly this year is already going by.  I can hardly believe it.

Tomorrow, I’ll be going with three girlfriends to see the new movie, “The Shack”.  I remember when the book came out several years ago.  I did not read it; but I remember how it was talked about.  For some reason, I just couldn’t read it.  However; I am really excited to go see it.  Tim McGraw & Faith Hill recorded the song, “Keep Your Eyes On Me”, which is such a beautiful song.  It was the first song I heard from the movie and I must say that I was hooked.  I also happen to hear Dan & Shay’s “When I Pray For You” and Skillet’s song “Stars”, which I love.  There are several more songs and are easily looked up on youtube.

The movie is going to be incredible, I just know it.  Just seeing the previews has me excited to see it.  I love to see God’s work in action.  It gives me such hope and makes my faith in the Lord so much stronger.  It’s like when I recently watched “I’m Not Shamed”.  Seeing Rachel Scott’s faith walk strengthened me so much.  It gave me such joy to see the movie and how she lived her faith.  Such a beautiful story.

Yesterday at my weekly Bible Study, my dear friend, Gale, told me that this is my year and that God’s light is shining through me.  How sweet.  I must say that I do struggle.  I have more good than bad days.  Bad days are few thus far; but they do happen.  Today has been a struggle.  Not feeling well today, so it’s not such a good day.  Slept 2 hours last night due to it and am thinking of heading to bed early tonight and try to get some sleep.  I may take a sleeping pill to get me there, too.  I rarely do this, so I’m hoping it will knock me out and help me get some restorative sleep.

I stayed in my pj’s all day.  I drove the kid to school and picked him up in them.  Don’t even care.  I feel like crap.  It’s not like anyone saw me or anything and I didn’t stop anywhere.  It’s not like I went to WALMART!!! LOL!  I’m not that girl at all.

Our Bible study has been on 1 Corinthians over the last few weeks since finishing up the book of Job.  Yesterday was Chapter 6 and WOW!  Only 20 verses long, we spent an hour and a half on discussing the immorality in the chapter.  Paul certainly was a wise man and he could take a town to task without being insulting.  He let the people of Corinth know that their back biting and sinful ways were not acceptable behaviors for the newly established church.  Several years ago, I read a book about Paul’s life and how he knew Luke in university and how they met up again years later and worked together on writing the gospels.  The change God made in Paul’s life is amazing and I know that over history, God has done so much for so many in this world.  By looking back at what God has done, my faith is strong.

All the times that God has told the Hebrew People in the bible “Remember what I have done..” is the reason why I look back at what He has done in my own life for me.  I do not let myself forget that he is faithful to me always and that I need to be equally faithful to Him so that I can receive His blessings.  It’s that simple.

When I pray and I don’t receive, I know that He has something even better planned for me.  However, when He has shown me what He has planned for my life, I know that He will bless me in just that way.  God is good, all the time.

My faith is strong in the one who created the universe. ❤