I’ve never been loved. Yup, that’s right. My son loves me; but I’m his mom and it’s kind of a given. However, to my knowledge, I’ve never been loved by a man. My ex never loved anyone, he didn’t know how to. His was a psychopath, so he just didn’t know how. He spouted it to every woman he ever met; but the true definition of it was lost on him.
As for my best friend, well, he loved his beer more than anything in the world. He couldn’t love anyone. Not truly. At the end of his life, it was always himself he loved and of course, his sons.
My parents have never loved me. My mother’s favorite thing to say to me growing up was “I hate you, I wish you’d never been born.” Harsh; but true. I fought the first 18 years of my life trying to get her to love me and I failed, repeatedly. No matter how hard I tried, she was still saying it when I was 26 years old. I was no longer in the USMC and trying to readjust my life around my disabilities when she once again dropped that bomb on me. I finally stood up to her over it and she hasn’t said it since; but I don’t believe her words of love now. She just wants to keep the peace so I don’t take her grandson away from her.
My father let it be known 3 years ago what a piece of crap he thinks I am and how he and my sisters can’t stand me and have had to put up with my shit for years. Oh and my sister let it be known to me last fall that she thinks I’m psychotic. I can’t even begin to care at all.
The reason I bring it up is because I think there must be something wrong with me. I present to the world a good person. I give of my time, my love, my money, my soul to anyone who needs. No matter what I do, no matter how much I’ve let people use me, I have never been loved.
Men have used my body. Children have used my kindness and caring. Women have used my friendship and giving nature. No one feels the need to give me a thing in return. And so, I am fatally flawed.
I have looked for love in all the wrong places. I have never found a thing. Believe me, I don’t feel sorry for myself. I am just curious as to why I am so flawed. I just can’t figure it out.
I had a long conversation with God today and asked him to help me get my son through school and then I will move away, far away and live my life in seclusion. I don’t want anyone in my life. I am flawed and I don’t want to ruin anyone else. Hopefully, God will take me home and I won’t have to hurt anyone with my unlovable self.