Miranda Lambert has a song out called “Tin Man” which addresses the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz, going on about how if he’d ever felt his heart break, he’d never want a heart. It is such a beautiful song and I just love it.
And here I am, feeling at the end of my rope. I hate how terrible I am feeling of late. Summers in Florida are really hard for me with all the storms that plague the area, making me feel so miserable. Lupus, TN, Fibro, etc. plays hell in these summer storms.
I’d rather die with honor and dignity than the slow and agonizing death of lupus. The fact that my own body is what is killing me off is poetic justice. I couldn’t die as a Marine on the battlefield or saving someone’s life; but as a result of the internal battle within my own pathetic body.
My own body can’t fight infection. I feel so weak where I used to be so strong. I’m a mess. After 24 years of struggling with pain, which has always been tough, I find that I’ve reached the end of the road.
I’m so tired. I just want to give up. I don’t feel that I can fight this any longer. It would be so easy to slip away, sleep the eternal rest. I would take my own life if it wouldn’t leave my son behind and the heartache it would give him. I can’t do that.
Bravery? What does it mean? Is it taking that leap of faith and taking chances? Is it fighting the unknown for the greater good? I’m not sure anymore. I know I’m not brave enough to face the unknown right now.
I listened to Martina McBride’s song, “Anyway” and it makes me want to go forth and do battle; but the emotional turmoil and the heartache to come have me scared.
“You can love someone with all your heart, For all the right reasons, And in a moment they can choose to walk away, Love ’em anyway…… I sing I dream I love anyway”
I used to be a big risk taker; but found I gave my heart to someone who could not take the same risks. I am so hurt by this. I’ve decided to close myself off from the world and let it end. I can’t risk the pain anymore. I’d love to be able to; but my emotional well being is at stake, as well as my physical well being.
Of course, I have loved my son, whom is the miracle I never knew I would get. My love for him is eternal.
I know a boy that has faced so much more than I have and he’s but a 10 years old. Can I give up in the face of what I know “Robo-boy” will be going through? Can I give up and show him that I’m not as strong as he is? Is that fair to him? Can I take away his faith?
Or do I stand strong against impossible odds and fight like the devil to survive the uncertainty that my life has so become? Decisions are so hard to make right now.
I’m wrapped in barbed wire and roses, if you come too close, you will be hurt.
And I sometimes wish I were like the Tin Man, without a heart. Just so I won’t feel my heart breaking each day.
God, please get me through this. I don’t know how much more I can go forward and take in this miserable heart. Abba, I want to come home. I want to be with you and walk with you in the cool of the day in Paradise, basking in Your great love. I’m so tired of stumbling through this horrible world. What is the point?
Prednisone is Satan’s answer to Lupus. Take these nasty things and look like a fat, chipmunk cheeked Ompa-Lumpa. It’s no wonder I’m alone. I hate that not only is my body beating itself up; but that bastard is invading my mind with his bull sh*t rhetoric. It’s echoing in my mind. Has to kick a gal when she’s down. Jerk! If I could get my hands on him, I’d kick the crap out of him.
Here it is, the pity train is leaving the station and is on the express line to full blown tantrum. Crying and upset over a body that is bent on killing itself slowly and a mind full of lies.