This past week has been full of some ups; but mostly downs.  I spent 3 days in an unease state.  I could not escape the feeling of dread, uneasy and fear.  I can’t explain it; but it had me very low.  There was a lot of crying, yelling and prayers.  It culminated with a Friday out with my son that ended abruptly when I just couldn’t stop crying and we just headed home.  The poor kid, he didn’t know what to do and I explained to him, that for the first time in 17 years, he has no buffer in his life between us that blocked out my depression from him.  Having PTSD sucks some days.

This is truly the first time that I had a major meltdown with it in a long time. Nothing I did could bring me out of it.  I went to bed early each night.  I took some sleep aids and slept it off like a bad hang over.  Yesterday, we completed the shopping I couldn’t and  ended our evening with church, sandwiches and smiles.  Came on hard and fast and left the same way, as if it never happened.  SMH.

I’ve been doing a home bible study as well as my weekly with my girlfriends.  I’ve got my nose in a few books, too.  One of which is called “Eve” by Wm. Paul Young, the man who wrote “The Shack”.  So far, it’s really good.  I’m only a few chapters in, though.  My home study is another Max Lucado called, “He Still Moves Stones” which is amazing.  I’m burying myself in God’s word, worship and singing to Him.  One of my daily devotionals comes from a site that also sells books and I got an incredible deal on some good ones.  I purchased several of Max’s books for only $5 each.  I’m looking forward to reading each one.

On Thursday, I stopped at Staples on my way to physical therapy and while crossing in the crosswalk, a stopped car proceeded to drive and hit me.  He clipped my knee.  I am not hurt, more outraged by the incident.  It was a Senior Citizen and being me, I am sure that he couldn’t have missed seeing me.  SMH He never stopped, even after he heard my knee hit the car.  Just kept on going.

My son got his learners permit.  Still doesn’t want to drive the car.  LOL!  After our vacation in June, I’m going to hire a driving school for him to take lessons.  Who knows?  Maybe my dad will take him out.  You never can tell with that man.

Today I’ve made two loaves of homemade banana bread and my wings are cooking up for dinner.  Sometimes, I wish I had more people to cook for.  I miss cooking for large quantities of people.  I remember the times I’d invite my co-workers over for dinner and how much I enjoyed cooking for them.  Since it is just the kid and me, I haven’t cooked big in a while.  😦  Heck, I haven’t made a roast in so long, I almost forget how to do it. LOL!.

I’m still waiting on God’s promise.  I am not being very patient.  I am ashamed of my impatience.  I’m trying.  I’m not good at it at all.  I guess that is why God is still making me wait.  <sigh>  I’m jealous of the time others get to spend with him.  I am looking for an acknowledgement of some kind.  A sign that I’m not a fool.  I ask so much of God and I still don’t know how He is putting up with my crazy or how He’s going to make it happen.  I pray a LOT!

PT is going as well as PT can go.  Pain in my shoulder is reduced.  THANK GOD!  I am getting more movement in my shoulder and they use the tens machine on it as well as they put a pain patch on me afterwards.  It’s a steroid with a battery operated pump that pushes the meds through the skin.  I wear it for 3 hours.  I think it’s supposed to help break down the calcium deposits in the area.  Only 4 more weeks to go.

Can hardly wait for June to get here.  Heading up to Virginia to visit a friend and am super excited.  He lives in Staunton, so I’m thinking I might also head to see friends in KY and TN as well, since I’ll be there. 😀 We shall see.

Life is certainly interesting.


Such incredible pain

It’s one of those nights.  My pain is sky rocketing.  I cannot stand it.  My head is going to explode.  I’m also on fire.

I’ve been pushing myself hard the last few days, getting things done that needed to get done.  I had to go to SSA to apply for Ian’s survivor benefits.  I’m grateful that it is exactly how much the child support was, so I have no real loss of income.  I’ve been burning things in the chimney out back since I don’t have a shredder.

I actually burned some journals, too.  NO one wants to read that shit, not even me.  Out with the old.

For thanksgiving, I’m making a turkey and such for Ian and me.  Then, I’m going to  drink tequila until I drop.  It has been a rough few months and I’m going to let my hair down and screw the world.  I’m so needing some stress relief.

I purchased a small turkey, am making our favorite mashed potatoes and gravy, an acorn squash, a rutabaga, green bean casserole and for dessert, we have a pecan pie and a pumpkin.

So glad Ian has off.  I don’t want to have to go anywhere.

I’ve been making ornaments for this year’s tree.  We decided to do “Nightmare Before Christmas” and I’ve got all the hand made ones cut out and I’m sewing them.  I’m doing them while watching tv. 😀

Tomorrow evening I have a painting class.  Between painting and jewelry classes, I’ve been keeping pretty busy these days.  I’ve made a bunch of jewelry and am looking forward to doing the painting class.  I haven’t painted since I was in High School and it’s a bit tricky; but I’m enjoying it a lot.

Visited UM with the boy.  He loves it and is looking forward to the opportunity to audition and then attend.  I’m so happy for him.  I love that kid so much.  I’m looking forward to seeing what he does with his life.

God is blessing me so much and I know that He has a plan for me and I can’t wait to live it.

Shopping Ettiquette

I’m so tired of the rude people I encounter each time I have to go to the grocery store. It is ridiculous. You say excuse me and people look at you like you’re speaking a foreign language.

Here where I live, we face the families that bring ALL their relatives with them when they shop or snow birds.

Family shoppers — those who bring 6 to 8 unnecessary people with them to the market in order to block areas where the official shopper isn’t looking for merchandise. These people feel it is okay just stand around, being rude. “Excuse me.” Stupid stare. “Excuse me.” Continued stupid stare. Do they move? No! They continue to block the aisle as if it is okay. Everyone else is a jerk and have to wait until the main shopper moves on to the next item they need.

Snow Birds — The old asses who arrive in the late fall/early winter and stay until the late spring before going back to where they came from up north. These people not only cause congestion in the aisles; but also the parking lots as well. It starts when you drive into the parking lot and narrowly miss being killed by them with their huge, honking cars trying to mow you down like you get points if they hit you. Once they get inside, they drive their carts in the same manner, not caring if they run into you and take off like nothing happened. Then they park their carts in the middle of the aisle and block it off so that no one can get by. Dirty look if you DARE touch their cart to move it. The nerve! When they proceed to the check out, watch out! They love to run their carts into your ass. If there is a millimeter of space between you and your cart, they WILL invade it. Personal space? What’s that?

I have also met the occasional rude European at the market as well. We have a lot of German’s that vacation in the area as well and this has lead to a few battles with personal space, crowding and rudeness; but not nearly as bad as those listed above.

I hate to shop. I am a get in, get what I need, get out type of girl. I don’t want to be a looky loo or a leisurely shopper. I want to spend as little time in the store as possible. I take my list, get the items I need and leave. I don’t want nor need distractions. I am not rude. I don’t park my buggy a mile away and walk to the item I need. I don’t block others out of the aisle. I don’t crowd others. I am polite to others. I try to be pleasant.

For me, the rudeness of others is my biggest pet peeve when shopping. Be considerate of those around you. We all want to get our items and go; but we don’t all want to have to run an obstacle course in order to do it.

Stupid Pot hole!

I can’t believe it!  This morning I went out for milk in a rainstorm and a brand new pot hole in the street tore up my tire!  I was so mad!  I couldn’t believe it.  I had just drove down that street the night before and no pot hole.  Today?  HUGE POT HOLE!  WOW!  So, I have to get a new tire.  It was so crazy.

Then, a few hours later, the hole is filled.  I have to hand it to the road crew, that hole was HUGE and the city fixed it fast!  BRAVO!

So, now I have to spend $150 to replace the tire.  OH and get an alignment.  I’m not a happy camper.

On a brighter note, I made a delicious homemade chicken soup with fresh dumplings.  It was so delicious and the boys loved it. 🙂  I also *think* I’ve got the right recipe for a favorite of mine from a great hot dog stand up north for their bread.  YUMMY!  How cool is that?

I also made the boys a banana cake with peanut butter chips in it that they devoured.  I love it when they eat up my cooking.  My son and his best friend are so great to cook for.

Thanks to TS Debby, the weather has been wet for the last four days and the next five don’t look any better.  UGH!  My dogs and I went for a walk this morning and they were smart enough to venture no further than the eaves of the house to stay dry and get relief.  It was a quick one!

I feel so blessed.  I FINALLY finished an “Angel” wing album I started before I was assaulted in June 2009 last night.  I just couldn’t get myself together enough to complete it until now (3 years later).  It looks great.  I feel it is so much better than it could’ve been before.  I’ve grown and changed since its start and it is such a show of my spiritual growth.

I am so blessed.  Each day I am alive I feel deeper and deeper God’s love for me and how much I am thankful for His love and devotion.  Even though I struggle daily with my pain and suffering, I know that God has a plan for me and I am not nearly as wise as He is.

God Bless…..