This past week has been full of some ups; but mostly downs. I spent 3 days in an unease state. I could not escape the feeling of dread, uneasy and fear. I can’t explain it; but it had me very low. There was a lot of crying, yelling and prayers. It culminated with a Friday out with my son that ended abruptly when I just couldn’t stop crying and we just headed home. The poor kid, he didn’t know what to do and I explained to him, that for the first time in 17 years, he has no buffer in his life between us that blocked out my depression from him. Having PTSD sucks some days.
This is truly the first time that I had a major meltdown with it in a long time. Nothing I did could bring me out of it. I went to bed early each night. I took some sleep aids and slept it off like a bad hang over. Yesterday, we completed the shopping I couldn’t and ended our evening with church, sandwiches and smiles. Came on hard and fast and left the same way, as if it never happened. SMH.
I’ve been doing a home bible study as well as my weekly with my girlfriends. I’ve got my nose in a few books, too. One of which is called “Eve” by Wm. Paul Young, the man who wrote “The Shack”. So far, it’s really good. I’m only a few chapters in, though. My home study is another Max Lucado called, “He Still Moves Stones” which is amazing. I’m burying myself in God’s word, worship and singing to Him. One of my daily devotionals comes from a site that also sells books and I got an incredible deal on some good ones. I purchased several of Max’s books for only $5 each. I’m looking forward to reading each one.
On Thursday, I stopped at Staples on my way to physical therapy and while crossing in the crosswalk, a stopped car proceeded to drive and hit me. He clipped my knee. I am not hurt, more outraged by the incident. It was a Senior Citizen and being me, I am sure that he couldn’t have missed seeing me. SMH He never stopped, even after he heard my knee hit the car. Just kept on going.
My son got his learners permit. Still doesn’t want to drive the car. LOL! After our vacation in June, I’m going to hire a driving school for him to take lessons. Who knows? Maybe my dad will take him out. You never can tell with that man.
Today I’ve made two loaves of homemade banana bread and my wings are cooking up for dinner. Sometimes, I wish I had more people to cook for. I miss cooking for large quantities of people. I remember the times I’d invite my co-workers over for dinner and how much I enjoyed cooking for them. Since it is just the kid and me, I haven’t cooked big in a while. 😦 Heck, I haven’t made a roast in so long, I almost forget how to do it. LOL!.
I’m still waiting on God’s promise. I am not being very patient. I am ashamed of my impatience. I’m trying. I’m not good at it at all. I guess that is why God is still making me wait. <sigh> I’m jealous of the time others get to spend with him. I am looking for an acknowledgement of some kind. A sign that I’m not a fool. I ask so much of God and I still don’t know how He is putting up with my crazy or how He’s going to make it happen. I pray a LOT!
PT is going as well as PT can go. Pain in my shoulder is reduced. THANK GOD! I am getting more movement in my shoulder and they use the tens machine on it as well as they put a pain patch on me afterwards. It’s a steroid with a battery operated pump that pushes the meds through the skin. I wear it for 3 hours. I think it’s supposed to help break down the calcium deposits in the area. Only 4 more weeks to go.
Can hardly wait for June to get here. Heading up to Virginia to visit a friend and am super excited. He lives in Staunton, so I’m thinking I might also head to see friends in KY and TN as well, since I’ll be there. 😀 We shall see.
Life is certainly interesting.