Ah, memories

I was looking for a photo when I came across this document from 7/8/12 that when reading brought me straight back to the situation.  UGH!  Pain is such a huge part of my life; but then so was this friend.  Why do I always find the users and abusers?  At least they have never stolen my good heart. 😀 Here it is:

Blinding Pain

So, I am in the most pain I can imagine and I am wishing for death — any kind of relief I can get at this point. I just can’t even breath it is so bad. If my head exploded, I’d not be surprised at all. I am in agony.

Moans escape my lips without me even realizing they belong to me. I can not understand how it is that I am still alive. My stomach is rolling around like it is steps away from vomiting and I don’t know how the contents of my stomach are still intact. Why me?

Darkness surrounds my room and it is the only thing I am most grateful for at this point. I can not bear the thought of any light intruding on my eyes without blinding pain seeping further into my brain. It is like a nightmare and yet I am wide away because of the pain. Sleep is so elusive, there is only pain.

Anger and madness dwell here.

My friend comes to the house and further instigates a fight with me. I can’t defend myself against anything, defenses completely down; but he insists on being here. I hate him. I want to be left alone. I want to suffer in silence. I need the solitude; but No! He will not allow it. He will not leave. He has to talk to me. The noise is killing me. My ears as sensitive to sound as my eyes are to light.

Yet, he rattles on and on about nonsense. I can’t bear it; but still he prattles on. I am in AGONY! He is further hurting me with his endless litany of shit. How I hate him. He is drunk. He is a bastard. He does not care that I am in such pain, all that matters to him is himself. I hate his selfishness.

I beg him to leave. I order him to leave. I scream at him to leave and yet, there he sits, not a care in the world but himself, still talking, still ignoring me and still prattling on and on. Oh and I am the crazy one. I am just nuts. Screaming and carrying on the way I do.

HE HAS INVADED MY HOME AND I AM IN PAIN; BUT I AM THE CRAZY ONE!!! HE IS DISTURBING ME AND I AM CRAZY! HE WON’T LEAVE ME ALONE AND I AM CRAZY!

I get angry. I feel I have the right. He, on the other hand, feels I have no right to my anger. I can’t believe his is so insensitive. –end–

Oh how I remember this night.  I’d crawled into bed to try and escape only to have my home, my bedroom and my life invaded, as if I had no right in the world to be in pain, to be upset, to be angry, to be me.

I’m so over letting people treat me badly.  I’m over being used.  I’m over being a door mat.  I just want to be free to be me.  If any man wants to be in my life, he has to treat me right.  I have always treated those I am involved with like Kings.  If they can’t treat me equally well, I’m sending them out the door.  I have learned that I am the daughter of  the King of Kings, and I deserve the best!

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Freedom

Tonight I went downtown to “Bike Night” and saw Lita Ford in concert.  Had a fabulous time and as I was driving home, it occurred to me that in the last year, I have truly enjoyed the freedom of not having to ask someone’s permission to do things and have them say no or to say yes and then upon the day’s arrival, force me to cancel my plans, leaving me disappointed.

I can hardly believe it took me a year to realize I am finally free!  I’m free of controlling men.  I can come and go as I please.  After spending the last 22 years with 2 different men who controlled my every move, I am free to do as I please, when I please, with whomever I please.

WOW!  I am amazed.  After all this time, I’ve finally realized that I owe nothing to anyone.

I always believed that a couple should share everything and respect each other and love each other and treasure each other.  In relationships where one partner is completely controlling of the other, you don’t get these same freedoms, love or respect.  You become a virtual slave to the other person and their needs are all that is important.  Even though I’ve completed some intense therapy, I have only just now realized the extent to which I was controlled.  I am so grateful that I am no longer in such situations.  YEAH!!

Knowing that God is bringing me my next relationship and it will be blessed by Him, I have no fear that I will have to worry about that again.  God is directing me toward His plan for my life and I have to say that it is greatly anticipated and looked forward to.

I’m keeping busy while I wait for this plan.  I’ve been crocheting blankets for Boggy Creek Summer Camp, which children with brain tumors and cancer attend yearly.  This camp gives each camper a blanket and teddy bear to keep.  So far, I’ve made two and am working on the 3rd.  I also am working on two other blankets for friends having babies in December & January.

I’m busy with my son’s Senior year of HS as well.  He got his Sr. portraits taken and the cost about floored me!!!  YIKES!!!  I didn’t really like them, either.  He has about 3 weeks left of Marching Band and the time seems to be just sailing by.  He’s working on his college audition videos with several boys from band and is making progress.  So proud of him.

I’ve lost 19 lbs in the last month and am happy with my progress.  I’m steadily getting my life in order.  I’ve got to downsize more and I am waiting until it is a bit cooler to start again.  UGH!  It’s still so incredibly hot.

I miss living up north sometimes.  I miss the leaves changing, the crisp smell of autumn air and the crunch of leaves under foot.   I miss hiking in the woods or up the mountains.  <sigh>

My grandfather passed away this week.  It’s been 18 years since my grandmothers passed, within one week of each other, while I was pregnant with my son.  My grandfather suffered with dementia for the last few years and it is truly a blessing that he has gone home to our Lord.  I know my NC family is grieving his loss.  It hurts that I will no longer get to see him; but I will one day, when I leave this world.  He will be greatly missed. ❤

Most of the missed hurricane days from school are going to be made up before the new year, with only a few days after the new year comes to finish it up.  My son will be graduating on May 19th at 10 am and my parents told me that they’re planning a cruise right after with my cousin, who’s twins will be graduating on the 17th of May, so we may tag along if the price is right.

My world is finally settling into a new normal.  I’m learning to be me again.  I’m who I am again.  Living my life, raising my son, taking care of my pups and loving the new freedom I’ve regained.

Life is good. ❤

 

Thinking, thinking, thinking…..

Sometimes my brain just can’t shut down.  Drives me nuts!!!  Lately I’ve been trying to figure out why so many people, including my family, have no love for me.  It is baffling.

Now, I have to mention, I have reconciled all of these things.  I have forgiven everyone and let it all go.  This is just me trying to figure it out.  I mean, am I such a terrible person?  I don’t think so; but these things happened.  So, why?

I was raised by two people who, despite me loving with all my heart, didn’t like me.  My mother’s favorite thing to say to me, until I finally confronted her about it when I was 26 years old, was “I hate you.  I wish you’d never been born.”  She also used to sing a song about wanting to stick me in a garbage can, because I wasn’t worth a damn.  She told me, for the last time, “I hate you.  I wish you’d never been born,” to which I finally replied.  “I know.  I have known for the last 26 years.  I wish you had had an abortion instead of having me.  I can’t help it that I am here.  I’m sorry you hate me.”   She never said it again and continues, to this day, to make sure to tell me she loves me.

My father considers me a burden on his life.  He once told a friend that I am a vengeful person, who plots out ways to hurt other people.  He told me that I am a cold, cold woman; because I got upset that my ex was a cheating abuser.  He stated that I am a liar, thought I live in honesty.  He’s stated that I am the biggest problem in the family, whom no one likes.  He’s stated that I cause trouble; because I love to do it.  I am mean spirited and hateful.  He has also stated that I got what I deserved when my ex beat me nearly to death.  The person who he told this to lived with me for 9 years and never saw any of this in me.  He even told my own son, while they were vacationing at my sister’s home, that I was a horrible person.  Not to mention that my sister tagged on by saying it was my fault in 2010 that we left early, despite the fact that my father made the decision after she cursed out my mother.

I’ve had friends that have used me horribly and then went about speaking ill of me and I have no idea why.  Baffles my mind.  Yes, I am outspoken.  Yes, I speak the truth even when it hurts.  But that is no reason to be hateful to me.  Sorry, I don’t sugar coat it.

I have given people the shirt off my back (so to speak) and still been bad mouthed.  What I have figured out, though, is that I AM a good person.  I am not what others think of me.  I am who God says I am, not others.  I have taken in strangers in order to help.  I have forgiven people who have gone back and hurt me again, only for me to forgive again.  I paid my friend’s rent for two months, took her in when evicted and still, she treated me like I was so much mud under her feet.  I’ve given freely with my time, my money, my love, my possessions, only to have others treat me like crap!

I’ve come to the conclusion that the problem belongs to them, not me.  I am not the problem, it is they who have a problem in which they need to address.  It is their minds and mental defects that have given them the problem and I am just the one who has become their target.  I pray for them.  I don’t know what else to do; but that.

I have moved on from those who have hurt me terribly.  I don’t owe them anything.  I don’t let them have rent free space in my head anymore, except when I have sleepless nights of trying to figure out the whole human psyche.  LOL!  What makes them tick?  I may never know.  I am merely curious as to “why”.

 

The Book of Henry

SPOILERS!!!  If you haven’t seen it and want to, don’t read any further.

An 11-year-old boy genius named Henry Carpenter, and his younger brother, Peter, are raised by their single mother, Susan, a waitress who is working on writing children’s picture books. Henry has used his intellect to invest successfully in the stock market, building up a very substantial nest egg for his family. Henry and Susan both like their next-door neighbor (and Henry’s classmate), Christina, who has recently become sad.

Henry realizes that Christina is being abused by her stepfather, Glenn, the local police commissioner. Henry reports the abuse to the authorities, but Glenn has connections throughout the local government, and Henry is unable to get the authorities or the school to launch a serious investigation that would protect Christina.

Henry decides to come up with his own plan to rescue Christina; but after having a seizure and being diagnosed with a brain tumor, he passes away.  Henry does, however, leave behind a “fail proof” plan to kill off Glenn in a red notebook he leaves behind.

This notebook, along with a cassette tape, tells Susan – step by step – how she can kill Glenn, get away with his murder, rescue Christina and get custody of her afterward.

Susan reads the notebook and after going through the same disappointing steps as Henry has in reporting the abuse, realizes she has to follow through with the plan.  She gets all the way up to having Glenn in her scope and can’t pull the trigger.  Instead, she confronts the man and tells him she knows what he’s doing, she has proof and she is going to take him down.  He scoffs at the idea; because of who he is and she stands firm.

Her “alibi” is the kid’s talent competition at school, where both Peter and Christina perform.  While watching Christina perform a heartbreaking dance, the Principal finally sees what Henry has been telling her all along and calls the authorities.  As the police come to arrest Glenn, he takes the cowards way out and kills himself instead of facing up to what he has done to an 11-year-old girl.  Susan does get to adopt Christina in the end.

My 17-year-old son & I watched this movie and I wish I had brought more tissues with me.  The abuse and Henry’s death about kill me in the tears department.  We discuss the film on our way to Chili’s to get dinner.

Personally, I would have taken the shot.  Even though I know this is morally wrong, even though I would question my Salvation in Christ, I would have taken the shot.  To me, this man is a monster and I would become judge, jury and executioner, especially if I were emotionally involved.  I’d also try harder with authorities before even thinking of executing such a plan.  I’m just glad this was fiction.

My son lost all respect for Susan when she bailed on the plan.  Didn’t matter that it ended up okay in the end, he thought she should have finished the plan.  “What if Glen didn’t kill himself and he made Susan lose Peter or made her life hell?” was his reasoning.  I can understand.

For me, monsters like that need to be executed.  They do not rehabilitate.  They do not repent and they do not change.  These predators just find another way to offend and  are better off dead.  I’m talking about grown men who prey on little girls and boys.  Children who cannot consent to being molested.  The children who can’t defend themselves against this type of cruelty.    Men or women who use children for sexual gratification have something wrong with them, in my mind, and deserve the death penalty.  Even if chemically castrated, you can’t stop the thoughts and the numerous other ways they can still abuse a child.

In this day and age, children are forced to grow up way to soon as it is.  It is heartbreaking that so many fall through the cracks as it is.  Children are precious.  I spent the first 8 years of my sons life protecting him from his father and I still didn’t do enough.  I know if he molested my son, I would have killed him.  I am only grateful we escaped with our lives and are free.  His father is deceased now and we no longer live in fear.

Cruelty

It’s been six months since my best friend died and after my last post, I’ve been reflecting on that relationship and how toxic it truly was. And yet, I took care of him until his dying breath.

We became friends thanks to our children and our exes.  Our children are still best friends.  Our exes destroyed our lives.  Two families ended because two people wanted to play games with our lives.

After my ex tried to kill me in 2009, I was able to relocate and since his ex was not allowing him access to his children, even though he did nothing wrong, he decided he, also needed a fresh start and decided to move with us.

We got a three bedroom house, decided to split living expenses and move away from the two people who were trying to hurt us the most.  He knew if he stayed she’d do something to either put him in jail or worse.  I knew when my ex got out of jail he’d taunt me and torment me for fun.  It was for the best.

My son & I got help.  We were in therapy for a long time.  We began to heal.  My best friend began to drink himself through the pain.  My divorce was final March 2010 and his September 2010.    It wasn’t long after that when we became lovers.  We loved each other; but not the way a man and wife would.  I think it was more convenience than anything else.  Being lovers ended when I had to force us apart when the destruction became too much for me to bear.

He had a mother f*cker in him that was on a crash course to the end.  The more he drank, the worse he became.  He moved into his own apartment in early 2012.  I couldn’t take his cruelty any longer.

We disagree.  He’d get angry and try to force the situation.  He’d destroy my property.  He would throw things around the house.  He’d dump icy cold water on me while I was in the shower.  He’d throw my things out in the yard.  He never paid a single bill, I had to pay for everything.  His check was his own to do with as he pleased.  He cut holes in my clothes.  He would pull meals out of the oven or off the stove and throw them in the trash, uneaten.  He destroyed two of my computers.

I would lock myself in my bedroom, only to have him pick the lock and come in to further torment me.  He would trap me with no escape route so that he could get in my face and tell me what a horrible person I was.  He always told me that my son didn’t love me and was just like his father, just using me.

I spent many nights on my knees in the closet, praying to God to end it.  I wanted to die and I wanted out and I wanted to be free and I wanted it to stop and I wanted it over.  And yet, it went on until I cried so many tears I didn’t think I’d ever cry another, but I did.

I am not innocent in all of this, believe me.  I screamed back at him.  I tried to defend myself.  No matter what I did, I was never good enough and he’d use my behavior as a weapon against me, even when all I was doing was defending myself.

Then, he’d calm down and apologize.  I walked around on eggshells most days.  I never knew what would set him off.  I tried to tell him to get help; but you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.

In 2014, it was the beginning of the end for him.  He started to become really sick.  I stood by him.  He had no one else.  I took him to doctors.  I became his health care advocate.  I took him back into my home when he was so sick he couldn’t care for himself and I was there with him when he drew his last breath.

I helped him to reunite with his brother, whom he had not spoken to in over 30 years.  I took care of every intimate detail of his life.  He was saved and accepted Jesus as his Savior and I know he is in peace, in heaven, right now.

I’m not a saint.  I’m a sinner.  I never did to him the things he had done to me.  He’d push me and I’d push back; but his cruelty was sometimes more than I could bear.  I’d cry, he’d call me a titty baby.  He was good at name calling.  He was good at breaking a person.  But, through it all, I was his friend.

He told me constantly that he loved me.  If that is love, I want no part of it.  I loved him, too; but I wasn’t in love with him and that’s a big difference.  He was like a brother to me.  I never understood the demon on his back.  I have since made peace with God over all that transpired.  I would help him again.  No one should die alone and unloved.

I am not a monster.  I have seen my share of meanness.  I have looked death in the face.  I am at peace with who I am in this world, even if no one appreciates me or loves me.  Despite what people think of me or say about me, I know who I am and what I have done.  Cruelty is not in my DNA.  I’m a call it like I see it kind of person.

In reflection, I see that the people who don’t love me or like me or whatever; are the ones who have hurt me and didn’t like it when I treated them as they did me.  My father doesn’t like it that I stand up for myself.  My sister hates it that I no longer put up with her bull sh*t.  I call a spade a spade.  They think it was so much better when they walked all over me and I let them; but this gal learned to stand up and not take it any more.  I have worth.  I have value and I don’t deserve to be mistreated.

I may never be loved in this life; but that is okay.  I know who I am and so does God and that is all I need.

And the day came….

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The above quote has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.  It is a quote that captured my soul from the first time I heard it.  I do not know why; but it has always given me strength when debating a risk in life.

I have suffered debilitating shyness, anxiety and depression over things I have had no control over and at one time, I let it rule my entire life.  NO MORE!  I’ve needed and used this quote to get me through so many things that come naturally to some people.

Suffering through PTSD is hard.  Coming to terms with it was a challenge.  The first time I was in counseling, my therapist worked with me on being raped in the Marine Corp.   Shortly after I had surgery and was on large amounts of narcotics for the pain, my roommate got a phone call in the lounge and left me, asleep, in our room with some guy.  He proceeded to assault me and left before she got back.  Despite the fact that I was heavily medicated, I was able to get up, stumble to the duty officer and report the incident.  I was taken to the clinic and things moved forward.

What I didn’t expect was that the SgtMaj would blame me for the whole thing.  Standing in front of his desk, he proceeded to tell me that had I not been asleep, on drugs and let a man in my room, I would not have been assaulted at all.  He didn’t care that my roommate was the one responsible for creating the situation, he blamed me for not being in my right mind at the time of the incident.

The Court Martial was a joke.  The SgtMaj tainted those who were there and I was basically further humiliated by a man who thought women in the military were only there to slake the lust of the men.  So glad he retired shortly there after.  He was not a man, he was a coward.

For years, I carried this around in my heart, letting it make me sick.  It nearly destroyed me; but I was finally able to overcome it all when I completed 2 years of therapy.  I was able to forgive them all.  My roommate, the SgtMaj & the rapist, not for them; but for me.

I was to the point in my life that I was living in fear.  If I got separated from someone I was out with and could not find them, I’d have a panic attack.  I went from zero to 100 in rage in less than 10 seconds.  My life was out of control.  I needed help.  I am grateful that I found someone who knew how to help me and was able to do so.

My second time in counseling was after my husband tried to kill me.  I am grateful for the therapist who helped me get through the horrible domestic violence, which was close to bringing me back to the darkness.  I was also lucky that my son also received help at the same time, as he was a witness to the events.

June will mark 8 years since I broke free of a 14 year lie.  From October 2009, I spent 2 years in therapy for all that he did to me and I was able to breath again.  This may sound cold and callus; but when my ex died in October 2016, it was such a relief for me and my son.

I was not allowed in session with my son as he went through his own trial with domestic violence; but I was given a report of the abuses he suffered.  I am so glad he was also able to overcome what he experienced.  I never once influenced him.  He began by telling me about what was going on behind my back and I knew if I needed therapy, so did he.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this wonderful quote.  It keeps me going, it reminds me that life is a risk worth taking.  It brings a smile to my face and pushes me to be brave.

Trolls & The lies they tell

SO I get a nasty email from Leif’s Ex wife’s husband.  I get told what a horrible person I am and he knows it because he’s heard it from my ex, his wife and the friends they have all fucked and cheated on me and Leif with while we didn’t have a clue.  Hey, that’s an honest bunch if you ask me.  I had sent an email to her telling her to stop stalking my Facebook account and tell her friends the same.  I am not stalking them at all.  I don’t even think of them anymore.  SMH.

They preached what a wonderful man my ex is and how it was all my fault that I am the one who ruined two families.  Ha, ha.  That’s right.  I ruined these families by putting my ex’s dick in Leif’s ex’s pussy and took pictures of it.  Yup, that’s right.  All my fault.  The fact that I have 3 video cassettes and 32 cd’s with photos and videos of them, their friends, etc. plus the emails I printed off from the ex’s computer after I put him in jail of all the things they were plotting is further evidence.  I have the proof and collected more than enough evidence against them and what they have done.  Let’s also not forget the fact that he chocked Leif’s youngest son with bruised neck, which kept him out of school for a week, over a piece of pizza.  He also gave his autistic son a black eye and then on New Year’s Day 2009, broke into their back door and accosted this same young man, which Leif picked him off of the boy and threw him against the wall in defense of the boy.  But, hey, my ex was a “good” man.  And so justified in beating me and my son and giving my then 8 yo son beer and showed him porn on the internet; but hey, I’m the bad guy.  Also have the pictures of the black eye and bruised neck that Leif took.

I was accused of evicting a 14 year old girl from my home in 2008 because she wouldn’t fall in line with my rules.  This is pretty true.  Alexis was staying with me until her mother got a job and place to live.  Laura did both.  However, the fact that I found a file on my computer filled with nude photos of Alexis and about 6 other underage boys is what set me off.  After confronting her with it and how it was child pornography, I called her mother and Laura wanted her home.  Yup, I evicted her.  BTW, Laura and I are still friends.

I was accused of breaking into Leif’s house and attacking his ex.  So, I added both of them to my cell phone account and she refused to pay for the phone.  $30 a month.  He paid me regularly and the agreement was that she would pay for hers.  After 3 months of no payment, I came into their house one afternoon with Leif and she was on the home phone with one of her friends trash talking me about how I could shove the phone up my ass.  I walked right into the bedroom, where she was sitting in front of the computer, saw the cell and snatched it up.  She tried to attack me to get it back.  I left with it and that was that.  I sent a text from the phone that afternoon that stated the number was no longer hers and to no longer call it.  I did call her cunt face in it; but hey I was pissed that my generosity was being trash talked.

Fast forward to two months later.  The phone is dead, it’s in my closet where it has been since that night and untouched.  I get a call telling me that I am continuing to text her friends and work all kinds of nasty messages.  I tell Leif that I’m coming over and  bringing the phone to prove it.  We have to plug it in and she’s accusing me of deleting the messages.  I tell her I have no reason to lie.  I don’t lie and she needs to stop her shit.  She threw an empty beer bottle at me and it hit me right in the forehead.  I went nuts.  I grabbed a ceramic dish on their table and used it to bludgeoned her with it.  If not for Leif, I would have killed that bitch.  If not for Leif, I would have gone to jail.  She lost the battery in her phone and couldn’t call 911.  I was immediately remorseful.  I should have just pressed charges against her instead.  I lost my temper.

I was accused of two acts which I haven’t a clue about.  I bullied an 8 yo girl and destroyed a washer and dryer.  Never heard of these two things, so I’m at a loss.

My ex was arrested in 1984 while stationed in Wisconsin for raping a woman.  The USMC defended him and in lieu of jail time, he was relocated.  I have the police reports and court documents to prove it and I thank God for his 1st Ex and my good friend, Jeanne, for leading me to this tidbit.  It’s funny how he cheated on both of us and then accused both of us for it.  She, too, has the evidence of his cheating on her, still.  He lies straight faced; but most psychopaths do.

My son couldn’t have friends come over because he was so rough with them and they always got hurt.  It’s a shame.  My friends Destiny & Derek brought their boys over to swim and they pulled the kids out of the pool because he was being such a jerk and was being abusive to the kids.  My friend Karen stopped letting her boys come by due to him hurting her disabled son.  I have photos of where he bit my son 20 times, all over his body, and the bruising that covered him afterward.  I should have put his ass in jail for that and I truly regret not doing so.  I put it off to him being drunk.

He attacked our good friend Ron, drove home drunk and then ran the van into the garage door, which both Ron & I witnessed; but we were both liars.  In 14 years together, he “never” did a thing wrong in his mind.

When I left him in 2009, I put all his things in storage and paid for it until the month he was released from jail with his retired pay.  I sent the key to his girlfriend; but for some reason, I am accused of leaving him with nothing.  Oh, well, I have the records to prove this as well.  The return receipt signed by her and the storage receipts as well.

I was informed that the only reason my ex kicked my ass was because I bit his thumb.  I laughed.  I was told I was going to hell.  I have been judged as evil and I am going to hell for all my sins.  Gosh, I had no idea that anyone other than God could judge me for my sins.  I have the blessed assurance that I will be in heaven.  I am saved and I will not be judged by man.

I will not deny that I am a sinner.  I fail my Heavenly Father daily.  I am human.  I will not deny that.  However, I am covered by the blood of Jesus and have committed my life to him.  I have confessed my sins to Him and laid myself bare to Him for judgment.  I was raised Roman Catholic; but am now Southern Baptist.  I know my bible.  I know I was born a sinner and nothing I can do will change that, except the sacrifice of Jesus.

Oh, nearly forgot.  I guess they read this blog; because I was told that the reason my father and sisters all hate me was because I’m evil.  I laughed.  My sisters and father have told me they love me.  I cut them from my life due to their negative attitudes.  Whatever.  I defend myself here; because I need an outlet to rid my heart and mind of the poison of their attack.  I am now free and will think of it no more.

Life is good.

 

 

Hateful People

Have you ever known someone who is a hateful person? I’m stuck with one. He’s the type of person who pulls out all the stops when you have an argument. He throws everything at you and the kitchen sink. This man pulls materials from any intimacy you have ever shared, any confessions of the soul, any slight you have given him over the entire time you have known him. He does not fight nice and thinks he is justified in what he is doing.

Just took him to the ER on Wednesday evening and he got admitted on Thursday morning to the hospital. They took real good care of him and after three days, he was discharged to come home. He was given medication to take, antibiotics, which he needed to continue over the next four days in order to fully recover. Only problem is that he can’t drink while taking them, so he stopped taking them. I can tell he’s beginning to not feel well again; but he feels he is cured and has been drunk ever since.

As for me, he just told me this morning that since in the 8 years I’ve known him that I’ve never been hospitalized for my pain, so it’s insignificant in comparison. I have never been in so much pain that I needed to go to the emergency room. That I “always” have a headache and need to quit bitching about it.

Trigeminal Neuralgia has been my constant companion for the last 24 years. I have been in pain 24/7 with no relief. I have been to countless doctors, had numerous MRI’s, CT scans and tests done which all prove worthless in finding me a cure. I am allergic to half the medications prescribed for this disease and the other half of the medications used are ineffective.

My pain has been reduced to meaningless.

I have held him while he’s cried over losing his children, over his painful neuropathy, over his tummy issues, over his nightmares; but for me, who doesn’t complain, who doesn’t cry about my problems, I am worthless.

When my head has numbing that crawls from my face, crossing it to give an entire head of numbness or when it feels like I have bugs under my skin, does not matter. When I get lightning strikes from a smile, eating, crying, talking, or just breathing, you don’t matter. I’m so tired of this shit.

I am really hating him more than I am even liking him. He can’t get out of his own chair or way, but I am the one who is a piece of shit.

I feel like I have a second father. He lectures me on countless topics, to which he feels I am in desperate need of hearing. He can’t wait to point out how stupid I am if I don’t know something. He is genuinely clueless when it comes to interacting with people. If he can’t be the center of attention, he pouts.

He’s recently gotten in touch with his oldest brother. They are both diabetics and alcoholics, so they share so much. They will talk for hours. His brother and he as so much alike it is crazy. They’re 11 years apart and more alike than twins. Scares me. I spoke with his brother’s girlfriend and we are amazed at how much alike they are.

He exhausts me. He doesn’t let me sleep. He is mean. He’s rotten and EVERYTHING is MY fault. He can be critical; but I am not allowed. I sometimes wish God would kill me and end my suffering.

My Life is Out of Control!

It has come to my attention that I am nothing but a fat whore. Someone who professes to love me has told me that I am nothing but a nasty bitch, fat whore, cunt and piece of shit. I am nothing. My lineage, my life, everything I am is a waste of life and that I am useless to everyone and everything. I guess I have been fooling myself for far too long.

I have worked my ass off for this person. I have treated this person better than I treat myself. I am practically a slave to this person and yet, this ungrateful smuck has the nerve to tell me I am the worthless one; because I told him to get off his ass and get his own clothes to wear. I’m so over this shit. I’m tire of having to defend myself to this piece of dung.

I’m nothing but a pig.

I’m having none of this shit. He has pissed on my pillow, thrown water on me, destroyed my property, treated me like utter shit; but I am the one who is in the wrong. This drunken bastard treats me like crap and I am the problem.

He has serious medical issues and they are more important than my medical issues. I’m not “allowed” to be the disabled veteran I am. I am not allowed to be sick. I have to cater to his every need and if I am not able to do so because I am not feeling well, then there is hell to pay.

I am not allowed to buy myself things that interfere with his “beer money”. If he doesn’t have beer money, I have to find things to sell so he can get some. It is ridiculous. I’m a prisoner of a life I despise. He treats me and my son like garbage. I’m so over this bull shit. He needs help.

Why do I attract these losers? I don’t deserve this in my life. I’d rather be alone than with a person who treats me this badly. This jerk thinks that screaming at me and chastising me for an hour without interruption, degrading my character is a great way to spend the evening.  Like he’s some prince.  He told me tonight that the reason his dick is limp is because of me and how fat I am.  Could be that he’s 350 lbs, diabetic (which is out of control) and can’t even heal from the cold he’s had since April, that is causing the problem; but what do I know.  Oh and the fact that he hardly ever bathes is just disgusting and I can barely stomach his sweat soaked, stench laden ass.

I’ve come to the point where I just don’t say anything to him when he rants on and on.  I ignore him.  I can’t let his words hurt me.  I’m better than this.  He blames me for everything.  He needs to go.  It’s not working and I would rather live alone than with this man or any other man.

Abusers

You know you’re with an abuser when:

EVERYTHING is your fault.

They tell you what you’re thinking, even when the thought hasn’t crossed your mind and insist that you are the one who is trying to start a fight.

When they use all their powers of persuasion to try to get you to do what they want and not what you have to do or want to do.

When they use manipulation and bullying to get their way — you give in because it’s just so much easier.

When they repeatedly apologize for their mean and hurtful words; but say them as soon after the apology as they deem fit.

When they attempt suicide and then blame you for it.

When they scream over you so they don’t want to hear what you have to say.

When they act like they’re two years old.

When they call you names constantly.

When they compare you to others constantly and expect you to be a better person, even though they can’t even reach the level of “perfection” themselves.

When they can’t leave the past in the past; but have to throw it in your face all the time. However, they don’t allow you to bring their past into it.

When they constantly treat you like crap for everything and then tell you it’s a joke.

When they play the blame game.

When they beg forgiveness for a slight; expecting instant forgiveness; but won’t give the same.

When they lecture you on all your “bad qualities” and treat you like a “bad puppy” who needs to be beaten with a newspaper.

When the mimic your every word to make you upset that they won’t allow you to talk at all.

Mind games.

Words hurt just as much as being struck.  It wears you down and debilitates your mind.  IT’s time to go.