Cruelty

It’s been six months since my best friend died and after my last post, I’ve been reflecting on that relationship and how toxic it truly was. And yet, I took care of him until his dying breath.

We became friends thanks to our children and our exes.  Our children are still best friends.  Our exes destroyed our lives.  Two families ended because two people wanted to play games with our lives.

After my ex tried to kill me in 2009, I was able to relocate and since his ex was not allowing him access to his children, even though he did nothing wrong, he decided he, also needed a fresh start and decided to move with us.

We got a three bedroom house, decided to split living expenses and move away from the two people who were trying to hurt us the most.  He knew if he stayed she’d do something to either put him in jail or worse.  I knew when my ex got out of jail he’d taunt me and torment me for fun.  It was for the best.

My son & I got help.  We were in therapy for a long time.  We began to heal.  My best friend began to drink himself through the pain.  My divorce was final March 2010 and his September 2010.    It wasn’t long after that when we became lovers.  We loved each other; but not the way a man and wife would.  I think it was more convenience than anything else.  Being lovers ended when I had to force us apart when the destruction became too much for me to bear.

He had a mother f*cker in him that was on a crash course to the end.  The more he drank, the worse he became.  He moved into his own apartment in early 2012.  I couldn’t take his cruelty any longer.

We disagree.  He’d get angry and try to force the situation.  He’d destroy my property.  He would throw things around the house.  He’d dump icy cold water on me while I was in the shower.  He’d throw my things out in the yard.  He never paid a single bill, I had to pay for everything.  His check was his own to do with as he pleased.  He cut holes in my clothes.  He would pull meals out of the oven or off the stove and throw them in the trash, uneaten.  He destroyed two of my computers.

I would lock myself in my bedroom, only to have him pick the lock and come in to further torment me.  He would trap me with no escape route so that he could get in my face and tell me what a horrible person I was.  He always told me that my son didn’t love me and was just like his father, just using me.

I spent many nights on my knees in the closet, praying to God to end it.  I wanted to die and I wanted out and I wanted to be free and I wanted it to stop and I wanted it over.  And yet, it went on until I cried so many tears I didn’t think I’d ever cry another, but I did.

I am not innocent in all of this, believe me.  I screamed back at him.  I tried to defend myself.  No matter what I did, I was never good enough and he’d use my behavior as a weapon against me, even when all I was doing was defending myself.

Then, he’d calm down and apologize.  I walked around on eggshells most days.  I never knew what would set him off.  I tried to tell him to get help; but you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.

In 2014, it was the beginning of the end for him.  He started to become really sick.  I stood by him.  He had no one else.  I took him to doctors.  I became his health care advocate.  I took him back into my home when he was so sick he couldn’t care for himself and I was there with him when he drew his last breath.

I helped him to reunite with his brother, whom he had not spoken to in over 30 years.  I took care of every intimate detail of his life.  He was saved and accepted Jesus as his Savior and I know he is in peace, in heaven, right now.

I’m not a saint.  I’m a sinner.  I never did to him the things he had done to me.  He’d push me and I’d push back; but his cruelty was sometimes more than I could bear.  I’d cry, he’d call me a titty baby.  He was good at name calling.  He was good at breaking a person.  But, through it all, I was his friend.

He told me constantly that he loved me.  If that is love, I want no part of it.  I loved him, too; but I wasn’t in love with him and that’s a big difference.  He was like a brother to me.  I never understood the demon on his back.  I have since made peace with God over all that transpired.  I would help him again.  No one should die alone and unloved.

I am not a monster.  I have seen my share of meanness.  I have looked death in the face.  I am at peace with who I am in this world, even if no one appreciates me or loves me.  Despite what people think of me or say about me, I know who I am and what I have done.  Cruelty is not in my DNA.  I’m a call it like I see it kind of person.

In reflection, I see that the people who don’t love me or like me or whatever; are the ones who have hurt me and didn’t like it when I treated them as they did me.  My father doesn’t like it that I stand up for myself.  My sister hates it that I no longer put up with her bull sh*t.  I call a spade a spade.  They think it was so much better when they walked all over me and I let them; but this gal learned to stand up and not take it any more.  I have worth.  I have value and I don’t deserve to be mistreated.

I may never be loved in this life; but that is okay.  I know who I am and so does God and that is all I need.

And the day came….

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The above quote has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.  It is a quote that captured my soul from the first time I heard it.  I do not know why; but it has always given me strength when debating a risk in life.

I have suffered debilitating shyness, anxiety and depression over things I have had no control over and at one time, I let it rule my entire life.  NO MORE!  I’ve needed and used this quote to get me through so many things that come naturally to some people.

Suffering through PTSD is hard.  Coming to terms with it was a challenge.  The first time I was in counseling, my therapist worked with me on being raped in the Marine Corp.   Shortly after I had surgery and was on large amounts of narcotics for the pain, my roommate got a phone call in the lounge and left me, asleep, in our room with some guy.  He proceeded to assault me and left before she got back.  Despite the fact that I was heavily medicated, I was able to get up, stumble to the duty officer and report the incident.  I was taken to the clinic and things moved forward.

What I didn’t expect was that the SgtMaj would blame me for the whole thing.  Standing in front of his desk, he proceeded to tell me that had I not been asleep, on drugs and let a man in my room, I would not have been assaulted at all.  He didn’t care that my roommate was the one responsible for creating the situation, he blamed me for not being in my right mind at the time of the incident.

The Court Martial was a joke.  The SgtMaj tainted those who were there and I was basically further humiliated by a man who thought women in the military were only there to slake the lust of the men.  So glad he retired shortly there after.  He was not a man, he was a coward.

For years, I carried this around in my heart, letting it make me sick.  It nearly destroyed me; but I was finally able to overcome it all when I completed 2 years of therapy.  I was able to forgive them all.  My roommate, the SgtMaj & the rapist, not for them; but for me.

I was to the point in my life that I was living in fear.  If I got separated from someone I was out with and could not find them, I’d have a panic attack.  I went from zero to 100 in rage in less than 10 seconds.  My life was out of control.  I needed help.  I am grateful that I found someone who knew how to help me and was able to do so.

My second time in counseling was after my husband tried to kill me.  I am grateful for the therapist who helped me get through the horrible domestic violence, which was close to bringing me back to the darkness.  I was also lucky that my son also received help at the same time, as he was a witness to the events.

June will mark 8 years since I broke free of a 14 year lie.  From October 2009, I spent 2 years in therapy for all that he did to me and I was able to breath again.  This may sound cold and callus; but when my ex died in October 2016, it was such a relief for me and my son.

I was not allowed in session with my son as he went through his own trial with domestic violence; but I was given a report of the abuses he suffered.  I am so glad he was also able to overcome what he experienced.  I never once influenced him.  He began by telling me about what was going on behind my back and I knew if I needed therapy, so did he.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this wonderful quote.  It keeps me going, it reminds me that life is a risk worth taking.  It brings a smile to my face and pushes me to be brave.

Trolls & The lies they tell

SO I get a nasty email from Leif’s Ex wife’s husband.  I get told what a horrible person I am and he knows it because he’s heard it from my ex, his wife and the friends they have all fucked and cheated on me and Leif with while we didn’t have a clue.  Hey, that’s an honest bunch if you ask me.  I had sent an email to her telling her to stop stalking my Facebook account and tell her friends the same.  I am not stalking them at all.  I don’t even think of them anymore.  SMH.

They preached what a wonderful man my ex is and how it was all my fault that I am the one who ruined two families.  Ha, ha.  That’s right.  I ruined these families by putting my ex’s dick in Leif’s ex’s pussy and took pictures of it.  Yup, that’s right.  All my fault.  The fact that I have 3 video cassettes and 32 cd’s with photos and videos of them, their friends, etc. plus the emails I printed off from the ex’s computer after I put him in jail of all the things they were plotting is further evidence.  I have the proof and collected more than enough evidence against them and what they have done.  Let’s also not forget the fact that he chocked Leif’s youngest son with bruised neck, which kept him out of school for a week, over a piece of pizza.  He also gave his autistic son a black eye and then on New Year’s Day 2009, broke into their back door and accosted this same young man, which Leif picked him off of the boy and threw him against the wall in defense of the boy.  But, hey, my ex was a “good” man.  And so justified in beating me and my son and giving my then 8 yo son beer and showed him porn on the internet; but hey, I’m the bad guy.  Also have the pictures of the black eye and bruised neck that Leif took.

I was accused of evicting a 14 year old girl from my home in 2008 because she wouldn’t fall in line with my rules.  This is pretty true.  Alexis was staying with me until her mother got a job and place to live.  Laura did both.  However, the fact that I found a file on my computer filled with nude photos of Alexis and about 6 other underage boys is what set me off.  After confronting her with it and how it was child pornography, I called her mother and Laura wanted her home.  Yup, I evicted her.  BTW, Laura and I are still friends.

I was accused of breaking into Leif’s house and attacking his ex.  So, I added both of them to my cell phone account and she refused to pay for the phone.  $30 a month.  He paid me regularly and the agreement was that she would pay for hers.  After 3 months of no payment, I came into their house one afternoon with Leif and she was on the home phone with one of her friends trash talking me about how I could shove the phone up my ass.  I walked right into the bedroom, where she was sitting in front of the computer, saw the cell and snatched it up.  She tried to attack me to get it back.  I left with it and that was that.  I sent a text from the phone that afternoon that stated the number was no longer hers and to no longer call it.  I did call her cunt face in it; but hey I was pissed that my generosity was being trash talked.

Fast forward to two months later.  The phone is dead, it’s in my closet where it has been since that night and untouched.  I get a call telling me that I am continuing to text her friends and work all kinds of nasty messages.  I tell Leif that I’m coming over and  bringing the phone to prove it.  We have to plug it in and she’s accusing me of deleting the messages.  I tell her I have no reason to lie.  I don’t lie and she needs to stop her shit.  She threw an empty beer bottle at me and it hit me right in the forehead.  I went nuts.  I grabbed a ceramic dish on their table and used it to bludgeoned her with it.  If not for Leif, I would have killed that bitch.  If not for Leif, I would have gone to jail.  She lost the battery in her phone and couldn’t call 911.  I was immediately remorseful.  I should have just pressed charges against her instead.  I lost my temper.

I was accused of two acts which I haven’t a clue about.  I bullied an 8 yo girl and destroyed a washer and dryer.  Never heard of these two things, so I’m at a loss.

My ex was arrested in 1984 while stationed in Wisconsin for raping a woman.  The USMC defended him and in lieu of jail time, he was relocated.  I have the police reports and court documents to prove it and I thank God for his 1st Ex and my good friend, Jeanne, for leading me to this tidbit.  It’s funny how he cheated on both of us and then accused both of us for it.  She, too, has the evidence of his cheating on her, still.  He lies straight faced; but most psychopaths do.

My son couldn’t have friends come over because he was so rough with them and they always got hurt.  It’s a shame.  My friends Destiny & Derek brought their boys over to swim and they pulled the kids out of the pool because he was being such a jerk and was being abusive to the kids.  My friend Karen stopped letting her boys come by due to him hurting her disabled son.  I have photos of where he bit my son 20 times, all over his body, and the bruising that covered him afterward.  I should have put his ass in jail for that and I truly regret not doing so.  I put it off to him being drunk.

He attacked our good friend Ron, drove home drunk and then ran the van into the garage door, which both Ron & I witnessed; but we were both liars.  In 14 years together, he “never” did a thing wrong in his mind.

When I left him in 2009, I put all his things in storage and paid for it until the month he was released from jail with his retired pay.  I sent the key to his girlfriend; but for some reason, I am accused of leaving him with nothing.  Oh, well, I have the records to prove this as well.  The return receipt signed by her and the storage receipts as well.

I was informed that the only reason my ex kicked my ass was because I bit his thumb.  I laughed.  I was told I was going to hell.  I have been judged as evil and I am going to hell for all my sins.  Gosh, I had no idea that anyone other than God could judge me for my sins.  I have the blessed assurance that I will be in heaven.  I am saved and I will not be judged by man.

I will not deny that I am a sinner.  I fail my Heavenly Father daily.  I am human.  I will not deny that.  However, I am covered by the blood of Jesus and have committed my life to him.  I have confessed my sins to Him and laid myself bare to Him for judgment.  I was raised Roman Catholic; but am now Southern Baptist.  I know my bible.  I know I was born a sinner and nothing I can do will change that, except the sacrifice of Jesus.

Oh, nearly forgot.  I guess they read this blog; because I was told that the reason my father and sisters all hate me was because I’m evil.  I laughed.  My sisters and father have told me they love me.  I cut them from my life due to their negative attitudes.  Whatever.  I defend myself here; because I need an outlet to rid my heart and mind of the poison of their attack.  I am now free and will think of it no more.

Life is good.

 

 

Hateful People

Have you ever known someone who is a hateful person? I’m stuck with one. He’s the type of person who pulls out all the stops when you have an argument. He throws everything at you and the kitchen sink. This man pulls materials from any intimacy you have ever shared, any confessions of the soul, any slight you have given him over the entire time you have known him. He does not fight nice and thinks he is justified in what he is doing.

Just took him to the ER on Wednesday evening and he got admitted on Thursday morning to the hospital. They took real good care of him and after three days, he was discharged to come home. He was given medication to take, antibiotics, which he needed to continue over the next four days in order to fully recover. Only problem is that he can’t drink while taking them, so he stopped taking them. I can tell he’s beginning to not feel well again; but he feels he is cured and has been drunk ever since.

As for me, he just told me this morning that since in the 8 years I’ve known him that I’ve never been hospitalized for my pain, so it’s insignificant in comparison. I have never been in so much pain that I needed to go to the emergency room. That I “always” have a headache and need to quit bitching about it.

Trigeminal Neuralgia has been my constant companion for the last 24 years. I have been in pain 24/7 with no relief. I have been to countless doctors, had numerous MRI’s, CT scans and tests done which all prove worthless in finding me a cure. I am allergic to half the medications prescribed for this disease and the other half of the medications used are ineffective.

My pain has been reduced to meaningless.

I have held him while he’s cried over losing his children, over his painful neuropathy, over his tummy issues, over his nightmares; but for me, who doesn’t complain, who doesn’t cry about my problems, I am worthless.

When my head has numbing that crawls from my face, crossing it to give an entire head of numbness or when it feels like I have bugs under my skin, does not matter. When I get lightning strikes from a smile, eating, crying, talking, or just breathing, you don’t matter. I’m so tired of this shit.

I am really hating him more than I am even liking him. He can’t get out of his own chair or way, but I am the one who is a piece of shit.

I feel like I have a second father. He lectures me on countless topics, to which he feels I am in desperate need of hearing. He can’t wait to point out how stupid I am if I don’t know something. He is genuinely clueless when it comes to interacting with people. If he can’t be the center of attention, he pouts.

He’s recently gotten in touch with his oldest brother. They are both diabetics and alcoholics, so they share so much. They will talk for hours. His brother and he as so much alike it is crazy. They’re 11 years apart and more alike than twins. Scares me. I spoke with his brother’s girlfriend and we are amazed at how much alike they are.

He exhausts me. He doesn’t let me sleep. He is mean. He’s rotten and EVERYTHING is MY fault. He can be critical; but I am not allowed. I sometimes wish God would kill me and end my suffering.

My Life is Out of Control!

It has come to my attention that I am nothing but a fat whore. Someone who professes to love me has told me that I am nothing but a nasty bitch, fat whore, cunt and piece of shit. I am nothing. My lineage, my life, everything I am is a waste of life and that I am useless to everyone and everything. I guess I have been fooling myself for far too long.

I have worked my ass off for this person. I have treated this person better than I treat myself. I am practically a slave to this person and yet, this ungrateful smuck has the nerve to tell me I am the worthless one; because I told him to get off his ass and get his own clothes to wear. I’m so over this shit. I’m tire of having to defend myself to this piece of dung.

I’m nothing but a pig.

I’m having none of this shit. He has pissed on my pillow, thrown water on me, destroyed my property, treated me like utter shit; but I am the one who is in the wrong. This drunken bastard treats me like crap and I am the problem.

He has serious medical issues and they are more important than my medical issues. I’m not “allowed” to be the disabled veteran I am. I am not allowed to be sick. I have to cater to his every need and if I am not able to do so because I am not feeling well, then there is hell to pay.

I am not allowed to buy myself things that interfere with his “beer money”. If he doesn’t have beer money, I have to find things to sell so he can get some. It is ridiculous. I’m a prisoner of a life I despise. He treats me and my son like garbage. I’m so over this bull shit. He needs help.

Why do I attract these losers? I don’t deserve this in my life. I’d rather be alone than with a person who treats me this badly. This jerk thinks that screaming at me and chastising me for an hour without interruption, degrading my character is a great way to spend the evening.  Like he’s some prince.  He told me tonight that the reason his dick is limp is because of me and how fat I am.  Could be that he’s 350 lbs, diabetic (which is out of control) and can’t even heal from the cold he’s had since April, that is causing the problem; but what do I know.  Oh and the fact that he hardly ever bathes is just disgusting and I can barely stomach his sweat soaked, stench laden ass.

I’ve come to the point where I just don’t say anything to him when he rants on and on.  I ignore him.  I can’t let his words hurt me.  I’m better than this.  He blames me for everything.  He needs to go.  It’s not working and I would rather live alone than with this man or any other man.

Abusers

You know you’re with an abuser when:

EVERYTHING is your fault.

They tell you what you’re thinking, even when the thought hasn’t crossed your mind and insist that you are the one who is trying to start a fight.

When they use all their powers of persuasion to try to get you to do what they want and not what you have to do or want to do.

When they use manipulation and bullying to get their way — you give in because it’s just so much easier.

When they repeatedly apologize for their mean and hurtful words; but say them as soon after the apology as they deem fit.

When they attempt suicide and then blame you for it.

When they scream over you so they don’t want to hear what you have to say.

When they act like they’re two years old.

When they call you names constantly.

When they compare you to others constantly and expect you to be a better person, even though they can’t even reach the level of “perfection” themselves.

When they can’t leave the past in the past; but have to throw it in your face all the time. However, they don’t allow you to bring their past into it.

When they constantly treat you like crap for everything and then tell you it’s a joke.

When they play the blame game.

When they beg forgiveness for a slight; expecting instant forgiveness; but won’t give the same.

When they lecture you on all your “bad qualities” and treat you like a “bad puppy” who needs to be beaten with a newspaper.

When the mimic your every word to make you upset that they won’t allow you to talk at all.

Mind games.

Words hurt just as much as being struck.  It wears you down and debilitates your mind.  IT’s time to go.

Promises are lies.

I’m so tired of promises that are lies.  I’m so over the bull shit of living with a crazy man.  Promises made to me always broken.  Lies told so often I can’t tell when he’s telling the truth.  Thought he was different from the ex; but I guess I’m not right as usual.  Today, because I was not feeling well yesterday, he decided to treat me like shit.  How come when he’s sick, I bend over backwards to take care of him; but not reciprocate at all.  He’s taken great liberty to assault me four times today by throwing various objects at me and telling me that I’m the violent one who assaults people.  Haven’t touched him at all.  Ignored him the whole time.  The last two hits were because I’m not kissing his ass as usual.  First some random thing from the table and then when I told him “No”, he wiped a die at me, hitting me square in the cheek.  It has caused my nerve damage to scream in pain; but it’s my own fault for denying him HIS WILL!

FUCK HIM!  I told him I was calling the police and he flipped out.  I don’t even care.  I’m tired of him throwing things at me like I am his personal shit bag.  I’m tired of hearing what a cunt, whore, bitch and slut I am for not being “perfect” everyday.  If I spend too much time with my son, I get cursed out.  If I spend too much time at church, I get cursed out.  If I have a life outside of HIS WILL, I get cursed out.

He recently received his VA pension and thinks he’s king shit.  He then proceeds to tell me that I’m jealous because I have to lord it over him that I make money and he didn’t, so now I  will proceed to destroy all the things he’ll buy with his money because I’m that much of a bitch.  BTW, this is something that never even occurred to me; because I don’t think like that. He continually tells me how well he knows me and what I’m going to do, even when most of the time, it is untrue.

He’s a no good drunk, too.  Can’t tell you how many times he’s “promised” to stop drinking, take better care of himself or help me out only to NOT.  He was told not to mix his meds with energy drinks; because of the adverse affects; but he continues to do so.  He lies to his doctors.  He “sugar coats” his bullshit and I’m the bad guy if I call him on it.

He’s just now accused me of going to kick him out because he has money.  Well, since he’s been drunk and stupid since receiving it two weeks ago, I can’t help but want to kick him out.

Got him a dog, who adores him, and he throws her in my face repeatedly.  She makes him happy but gives her back all the time.  He’s a jerk.  I wish he’d drop dead sometimes.

Get this, the doctor told me to take control of the medication by delving it out, so I fill the pill box weekly.  Well, if I don’t hand the pills to him and then give him his shots, he won’t take them.  He will pitch a fit.  When I tell him they are less than a foot from his hand, his reaction is “aren’t you going to get them for me?”  What about my shot???  He can’t do anything on his own now.  Oh, I should mention that I am in charge because he tried to off himself in November.  Yeah, that jackass took a bunch of metformin and two nova pens (synthetic insulin).  So, I called the ambulance and had him Baker Acted.  I wish they kept him longer than three days.  He’s been on a drunken rampage ever since.

I’m angry.  I went back to the VA for therapy because of all this.  He’s pissed off.  I can’t have therapy.  I can’t “talk” to anyone about him in a negative way.  I have to eat my anger and accept it.  Shove it under the carpet so no one can see it.   FUCK HIM!

I keep forgetting that I am not allowed to be sick.  I am not allowed to be upset or angry. I just have to be happy and carefree all the time, at his beck and call.  I wish he’d leave me alone. I’m sure he’ll be dead soon enough.

Little Sophia

I recently “met” a little lady named Sophia over the internet. The moment I saw her photo, I knew there was something about her that touched me. Her eyes, so beautiful, spoke to me in a way I can’t explain. We are kindred spirits.
sophia runs

What’s so special about this little lady? I’ll tell you. She was abused by her owners!!!! After being abused, she was lucky enough to find a “forever” home with Tara & Rocco, who treat her like a princess.

Her story, is one of heroism. She survived horrible abuse and lived. This three pound dog was able to overcome such a truly horrendous, painful existence and now flourishes. What a beautiful story.

Abuse, on any level, is abhorrent. Mental, verbal or emotional abuse to any person or animal is something that should bring shame to the abusers. I applaud those who have faced, overcome and thrived after abuse. Yes, I cry when I see the ASPCA commercials on TV. I cry when I read about abused animals in the news. My heart is filled with such love and compassion for these babies. When I see children or women or even men who have been abused my heart bleeds. The world is full of bullies and abusers and we need to stop these people from their abusive ways. Shame on them!

Little Sophia is a source of inspiration. She smiles, she loves and she has a wonderful home. I’m proud to call her a “friend”. When I am depressed because of my own past abuse, I look upon her face and KNOW that I survived, that I will thrive and I will be okay.

My own Pomeranian, Teddy, is a source of joy and love for me each day. He keeps me balanced and I’d not trade him for anyone in the world. He is my best friend and I love him. God Bless those who have survived abuse by another. Let them survive and thrive.

Meet Little Sophia here:
http://pommymommy.com/meet-pommy-mommy/

Approaching Five Years

It just occurred to me this morning that June will mark 5 years since I nearly died at the hands of a monster.  As I reflected on the 14 years I was with him, I see so clearly the things that should have been glaringly obvious to me; but I overlooked or didn’t notice until my eyes were ripped open. 

He was reckless.  On two occasions we were in car accidents during inclement weather that he was driving, going too fast and crashed my vehicle, totaling them.  He also narrowly recovered from another crash as well during a snowy drive, making that 3 times he nearly killed us.  Thus, he stopped driving us around.

Cheating on me was second nature for him.  I remember being pregnant and catching him on yahoo messenger and his denials.  Like I was stupid or something.  I then caught him 6 weeks to the day after our wedding.  He was apologetic, teary and begged my forgiveness.  I, stupidly, accepted it.  It was as if I gave him “permission” to continue this behavior, which he proceeded to do for the next 9 years. 

Callus disregard for our feelings was not uncommon.  I remember a weekend when my son & I were terribly sick.  I had pneumonia and our son was sick as well.  I continually called his cell phone only to be told he was NOT coming home for the weekend, nor was he going to take us to the hospital; because he was too busy doing his own thing.  He didn’t have time to help us.  I drove us to the hospital for the care we both so desperately needed.  This is not the first time he wouldn’t take me for medical care.  He even refused to take me to the hospital when I was allergic to medication and having a reaction.  

He treated our son, who was just a baby under the age of 8, as if he were his equal.  That’s right.  Our small child was an equal to a grown man.  GAME ON!!!  He should take any and all abuse, punches, rough housing, etc. as a man.  I constantly had to remove the child from the situation so he wouldn’t get hurt.  This was not just my child, either.  By the time we left, our son was 9 1/2  and reported that the bastard was smacking him around on a regular basis without my knowledge.  He’s just slap/hit him at will.  The child was afraid to learn to ride a bike due to his father’s constant bullying tactics when trying to teach him.  I felt like such a failure as a mother that I couldn’t protect him from that monster.  

He lied straight faced.  He would do things and then deny them or blame someone else for the incident.  He’s known about my facial nerve damage our whole relationship, yet he would grab my face and squeeze and when I told him it hurt me, he “assured” me that I was mistaken in his actions.  I would watch him do something and he’d act like the world was wrong in their perception of what he’d done.  There was a time he had a woman he was slobbering all over and a friend saw him, reported it to me and then he denied it and said the friend was trying to hurt me.  The time he told two of our friends that he could “shit all over me” and I’d never leave him or do anything about it.  He then denied saying it.  Over and over and over again he’d do this.  I am a fool.

 As I have recovered from his abuse and moved on with my life, my son and I are so much better off.  I could fixate on so many things; but as they are in the past, there is no need.  My son is do much better off without that monster.  I am better off and personally, I think the world would be, too.  However, that is not for me to decide; but God.

God has been so good to us over the last several years.  We’ve recovered, moved on and are approaching the 5 year mark of true freedom!!!  God saved us from the monster.  God delivered us from him.  God is wonderful and we are grateful.

Dear Beloved.

My Dear Beloved!

How I miss you. How I love you. How I long to be with you. How I wish you were real. Alas, you are not. The man I loved and adored was a LIE!!!! He never existed.

I have to congratulate you on your 14 year performance. I had my suspensions; but could never quite see beneath the surface of your charade. Tiny glimpses into what I thought I saw and questioned.

Lie number one was that you loved me and only me. I found out that while you were telling me this lie, you were also telling your wife. While you were planning a future with me, in our apartment, you were planning to continue your life with your wife and children, hundreds of miles away. You lied to both of us. Crying to both of us about how the other was nuts. We were both fools.

Glimpses of your true self slipped out after our son was born. The rough way you treated him, the harsh way you treated ALL children. Complaints I made excuses for when other parents told me you were too rough, should’ve been a clue to me. That you held our son down on the floor and bite him all over and then blamed him for it, a small boy of 4 years old. The times you shared beer and porn with him at the age of 8 years old was too much. You were out of control and I should’ve left you in 2002 when you got fired from your job for using their computers for pornography. You remember, when I found out all about the whores you were sleeping with. The way you “cried”. Must be nice to be able to cry on command. PATHETIC!

And yet, I forgave you. I am a fool.

All the subtle abuses you perfected. How you would grab my face to inflict further pain on my damaged nerves. The straight faced lies. You are a great actor, my precious psychopath. No emotional attachment to anyone, not even your own flesh and blood. Three beautiful children who are so much better off without you. Our son, who is grateful to be free of you, is safe now. Your other two children and first Ex, all grateful to be free of you. Do you care? Nope. As I’ve said, you have no emotional attachment to anyone. You have no empathy. You only care about YOU and only YOU! Pretender, actor, liar, cheat!

Oh how I cried for the wasted years. I wish I had known. I wish I had seen. However, I do not regret it. I do not regret my son. He is more of a man at 14 than you will ever be at any age. What a wonderful person he is and continues to be as he grows and learns and blossoms.

I feel sorry for you. You will never know the love I have in my life. The love of a child & parent, the love of other people, the true caring that comes from relationships. Not that you even care; because you don’t know how. It is not part of your make up.

Oh my beloved man, how I love you still. Too bad, you do not exist, except in my mind.