I was looking for a photo when I came across this document from 7/8/12 that when reading brought me straight back to the situation. UGH! Pain is such a huge part of my life; but then so was this friend. Why do I always find the users and abusers? At least they have never stolen my good heart. 😀 Here it is:
So, I am in the most pain I can imagine and I am wishing for death — any kind of relief I can get at this point. I just can’t even breath it is so bad. If my head exploded, I’d not be surprised at all. I am in agony.
Moans escape my lips without me even realizing they belong to me. I can not understand how it is that I am still alive. My stomach is rolling around like it is steps away from vomiting and I don’t know how the contents of my stomach are still intact. Why me?
Darkness surrounds my room and it is the only thing I am most grateful for at this point. I can not bear the thought of any light intruding on my eyes without blinding pain seeping further into my brain. It is like a nightmare and yet I am wide away because of the pain. Sleep is so elusive, there is only pain.
Anger and madness dwell here.
My friend comes to the house and further instigates a fight with me. I can’t defend myself against anything, defenses completely down; but he insists on being here. I hate him. I want to be left alone. I want to suffer in silence. I need the solitude; but No! He will not allow it. He will not leave. He has to talk to me. The noise is killing me. My ears as sensitive to sound as my eyes are to light.
Yet, he rattles on and on about nonsense. I can’t bear it; but still he prattles on. I am in AGONY! He is further hurting me with his endless litany of shit. How I hate him. He is drunk. He is a bastard. He does not care that I am in such pain, all that matters to him is himself. I hate his selfishness.
I beg him to leave. I order him to leave. I scream at him to leave and yet, there he sits, not a care in the world but himself, still talking, still ignoring me and still prattling on and on. Oh and I am the crazy one. I am just nuts. Screaming and carrying on the way I do.
HE HAS INVADED MY HOME AND I AM IN PAIN; BUT I AM THE CRAZY ONE!!! HE IS DISTURBING ME AND I AM CRAZY! HE WON’T LEAVE ME ALONE AND I AM CRAZY!
I get angry. I feel I have the right. He, on the other hand, feels I have no right to my anger. I can’t believe his is so insensitive. –end–
Oh how I remember this night. I’d crawled into bed to try and escape only to have my home, my bedroom and my life invaded, as if I had no right in the world to be in pain, to be upset, to be angry, to be me.
I’m so over letting people treat me badly. I’m over being used. I’m over being a door mat. I just want to be free to be me. If any man wants to be in my life, he has to treat me right. I have always treated those I am involved with like Kings. If they can’t treat me equally well, I’m sending them out the door. I have learned that I am the daughter of the King of Kings, and I deserve the best!