Nightmares

So this week has been full of nightmares.  Started with the one that had me screaming and scaring my son and I both and continued over the week. UGH!

The second one I cannot remember; but woke up to me punching the mattress.  All I can think is that I must have been in a fight.  Who knows?

Next, I dreamed an elaborate American Horror Story nightmare, complete with Finn Wittrock as he killer I was trying to escape.  Unbelievable!!!

I discussed them with a friend at church last night and she thinks it may be because it’s been almost a year since my friend died, my cousin died and my ex-husband died.  Great, I’m going to be haunted by them until October.  Nice!  I’m hoping this is not the cause and it’s something else.  We shall see if the nightmares persist.

I do confess, though, I wish I could “download” the AHS nightmare; because I’d turn it into a best selling novel and share my crazy with the world. LOL!  It was pretty intense and would make a good book along the Stephen King line of horror stories.

According to Psychology Today, most nightmares are a normal reaction to stress, and some clinicians believe they help people work through traumatic events.  WebMD suggests that people with underlying diseases may also be the reason, two of which I personally suffer from (Sleep Apnea & PTSD).  Knowing this is no comfort and I will just have to ride this wave out.

My son & I spent a half hour yesterday getting his Senior Portraits taken.  Quick, easy and painless.  Tuxedo, Cap & gown and casuals taken in a studio.  We’ll see what we get.  Afterwards, we went to Chili’s for lunch and later went to church.

It’s been raining for days here and we have a small pond or large swimming pool in our backyard, along with a flooded front lawn and driveway.  Rain will continue through tomorrow as well.  They cancelled the football game due to in on Friday and it is supposed to be rescheduled for tomorrow; but if this rain continues, I doubt it will take place.  Flooding is everywhere and it was the main reason for the cancellation, so with no end in sight, I’m sure it will not be.

All this rain has the dogs not happy.  They don’t want to go out in the wetness to do their business.  I did get them to go out earlier this morning and they were not happy being wet at all.  Not that I blame them.

At least we’re not in Texas.  I pray for their safety.  I remember back in 2004 when we rode out Ivan, a category 5, with tremendous damage.  I’ll never do that again.  A tornado ripped through our back yard and we were fortunate enough that it wasn’t 10 feet closer or our house would’ve been destroyed.  Never again!  That was a bad year for Florida with 4 major hurricane hits.

And life goes on……

 

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Amazing Day!!

So, my breathing machine had a message on it “Attention, motor has exceeded limit.” So, I call the VA Sleep Clinic when they open at 8 am.   They get me in TODAY and I get a new machine and a tiny mask to fit my little nose.  OMG it is the smallest one they have for a child and is perfect for me and doesn’t really bother my Trigeminal Nerve like the other ones do.  YEAH!!!  God is good!

I get up at 6:30 am and let the dogs out and wait for the clinic to open.  Well, I log onto FB to post on my church FB page the daily scripture and prayer and after 8 months of praying for my guy to get a better job or at least one where he isn’t traveling as much and LOW & BEHOLD, HE DID!  I freaked out!!

HALLELUJAH!!!!  First step in God’s master plan.  Oh how sweet it is.  I have been on cloud nine ever since.  I tell you, Our God is faithful to those who are faithful and true to him.

Each night, I include in my prayers that God put a protective hedge around my guy, keeping him safe from any harm while traveling to and from work.  I ask God to heal his body, mind, spirit, soul and heart.  I ask God to keep his family safe so that he has no worries for them while he is traveling.  I ask that he meet with Godly people who will keep his eyes focused on the Lord.  I ask God to protect his job or get him one that doesn’t require him to travel and work so many hours.  To let him get enough sleep and rest.  And lastly, I ask God to write our love story so that it is truly beautiful. 

I’m actually giddy to see what He has in store for us!!!!!  I can’t even imagine.  All I know is that God let me know that it will involve a phone call from him to me.  When?  No clue.  How?  No clue.  All I know is that I will at some time in the future.

Knowing, beyond a doubt, that he is going to be mine is a thrill in itself.  I will continue to pray for him, for us and as usual for anyone who is in need.  Pray Until Something Happens.

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Summer

Summer here in Florida is always hard for me.  Daily summer storms and low pressure cause me such physical distress.  From headaches and constant nerve pain to pains in my feet and hands drive me crazy.  Come the end of September, it will be 25 years of this body of mine beating me down.  <sigh> Such is life.

I hate complaining.  I truly do.  It doesn’t help me, it doesn’t help anyone, so I mostly keep it to myself.  Of course, in a moment of true weakness, I do let the pain get the better of me and cry out about it.

I have been waiting 8 months now on God’s plan.  I’m not sure if I wrote about it; but while reading a book a couple weeks ago, the author asked if the reader ever prayed for “God’s Will”.  I was stunned.  I have prayed for discernment, I’ve prayed for the plan,  prayed for understanding; but not specifically for God’s will.  So, I found this prayer and did so.

Gods Will.jpgThe very next day, in my morning study, I received my answer, which was not just to dig deeper into God’s word; but also the name of the MAN who it would be, same man’s name that he has sent me from day one and every time I’ve ask for clarity on the man, I’ve been given the name as well as the nickname of the man.  GOD IS GOOD!

I cannot, in my wildest dreams, have imagined such clear direction from God and such clarity in all of my faith walk.  I am beyond blessed by this loving and gracious Lord.  I look so forward to God bringing His plan for my life to fruition.  Oh, how I long for my blessing from the Lord.

I love this man.  I love him because the Lord has given him to me.  I only long to get to know him so that the love the Lord has in store for me will solidify with who the man is.  I know he is a good man.  I know he is honorable.  I know that he is kind.  I know that he has a good heart.  Now, I need to know the “day to day” ins and outs of the person he is.  Only time will tell, in God’s perfect timing.

I have dug in deep to the word of the Lord.  I love to do so.  I love to read it and study it.  I thank the Lord for His part in my life.

 

 

 

Mr. Tin Man

Miranda Lambert has a song out called “Tin Man” which addresses the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz, going on about how if he’d ever felt his heart break, he’d never want a heart.  It is such a beautiful song and I just love it.

And here I am, feeling at the end of my rope.  I hate how terrible I am feeling of late.  Summers in Florida are really hard for me with all the storms that plague the area, making me feel so miserable.  Lupus, TN, Fibro, etc. plays hell in these summer storms.

I’d rather die with honor and dignity than the slow and agonizing death of lupus.  The fact that my own body is what is killing me off is poetic justice.  I couldn’t die as a Marine on the battlefield or saving someone’s life; but as a result of the internal battle within my own pathetic body.

My own body can’t fight infection.  I feel so weak where I used to be so strong.  I’m a mess.  After 24 years of struggling with pain, which has always been tough, I find that I’ve reached the end of the road.

I’m so tired.  I just want to give up.  I don’t feel that I can fight this any longer.  It would be so easy to slip away, sleep the eternal rest.   I would take my own life if it wouldn’t leave my son behind and the heartache it would give him.  I can’t do that.

Bravery?  What does it mean?  Is it taking that leap of faith and taking chances?  Is it fighting the unknown for the greater good?  I’m not sure anymore.  I know I’m not brave enough to face the unknown right now.

I listened to Martina McBride’s song, “Anyway” and it makes me want to go forth and do battle; but the emotional turmoil and the heartache to come have me scared.

“You can love someone with all your heart, For all the right reasons, And in a moment they can choose to walk away, Love ’em anyway…… I sing I dream I love anyway”

I used to be a big risk taker; but found I gave my heart to someone who could not take the same risks.  I am so hurt by this.  I’ve decided to close myself off from the world and let it end.  I can’t risk the pain anymore.  I’d love to be able to; but my emotional well being is at stake, as well as my physical well being.

Of course, I have loved my son, whom is the miracle I never knew I would get.  My love for him is eternal.

I know a boy that has faced so much more than I have and he’s but a 10 years old.  Can I give up in the face of what I know “Robo-boy” will be going through?  Can I give up and show him that I’m not as strong as he is?  Is that fair to him?  Can I take away his faith?

Or do I stand strong against impossible odds and fight like the devil to survive the uncertainty that my life has so become?  Decisions are so hard to make right now.

I’m wrapped in barbed wire and roses, if you come too close, you will be hurt.

And I sometimes wish I were like the Tin Man, without a heart.  Just so I won’t feel my heart breaking each day.

God, please get me through this.  I don’t know how much more I can go forward and take in this miserable heart.  Abba, I want to come home.  I want to be with you and walk with you in the cool of the day in Paradise, basking in Your great love.  I’m so tired of stumbling through this horrible world.  What is the point?

Prednisone is Satan’s answer to Lupus.  Take these nasty things and look like a fat, chipmunk cheeked Ompa-Lumpa.  It’s no wonder I’m alone.  I hate that not only is my body beating itself up; but that bastard is invading my mind with his bull sh*t rhetoric.  It’s echoing in my mind.  Has to kick a gal when she’s down.  Jerk!  If I could get my hands on him, I’d kick the crap out of him.

Here it is, the pity train is leaving the station and is on the express line to full blown tantrum.  Crying and upset over a body that is bent on killing itself slowly and a mind full of lies.

All aboard………

unbreakable

 

May is Lupus Awareness Month!

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I’ve been battling this disease for a long time and I must say that it sucks!  Prednisone sucks!  Pain sucks!  Your body killing itself sucks!

SLE or Systemic Lupus Erythematosus  can affect the joints, skin, kidneys, blood cells, brain, heart, and lungs.  Symptoms vary but can include fatigue, joint pain, rash, and fever. These can periodically get worse (flare-up) and then improve.

While there’s no cure for lupus, current treatments focus on improving quality of life through controlling symptoms and minimizing flare-ups. This begins with lifestyle modifications, including sun protection and diet. Further disease management includes medications, such as anti-inflammatories and steroids.

I have Lupus (SLE) and it has given me problems with my Kidneys, Heart and Lungs.  I also get the neuropathy in my hands and feet, as well as skin rashes, photo sensitivity

The side effects of the Prednisone is almost as bad as the disease itself.  From the weight gain, blood sugar increase and rage, you look like a chipmunk with a cheek full of nuts!

So, what do you do when your body produces antibodies that should kill off infection instead attack your organs?  You pray, a LOT!  You beg to feel better.  You hope for a cure and you have a stronger faith in God that you will make it until the next day.

Most people who have Lupus also have another disease that effects them as well.  Mine is Fibromyalgia, which is equally sucky.

This disease effects each person differently and is hard to diagnosis.   Only 20 years ago, Lupus was a death sentence with only about 4 in 10 people surviving.

Some people require chemo therapy to combat Lupus, shutting down the immune system so that it doesn’t continue to attack the major organs.  It’s hard to believe that we have to shut down our immune system to combat our internal death.  Nothing like your body hating you so much that it wants to kill you.  Ha, ha.

I’m on kidney medication for the rest of my life; because Lupus causes me to get infections as well as blood in the urine.  I have chest pains due to swelling of the lining of my heart and lungs.  I have to be careful around those who are sick; because I am 75% more likely to get what they have, only worse.  I’m more susceptible to bronchitis and pneumonia.

Skin rashes are quite common for me, especially if I have been out in the sun for long periods of time.  It’s why I always try to wear a hat and my sunglasses when I go out.  It’s not unusual for me to have that “butterfly” rash on my face, to run a fever and hurt.

Put On Purple!!!!  May 10th is World Lupus Day.  As purple is the ribbon color for Lupus, I encourage people to wear purple on the 10th in support of the need of more research, awareness and knowledge for this autoimmune disease.

For more information:  http://www.lupus.org

 

Frustrations

This past week has been full of some ups; but mostly downs.  I spent 3 days in an unease state.  I could not escape the feeling of dread, uneasy and fear.  I can’t explain it; but it had me very low.  There was a lot of crying, yelling and prayers.  It culminated with a Friday out with my son that ended abruptly when I just couldn’t stop crying and we just headed home.  The poor kid, he didn’t know what to do and I explained to him, that for the first time in 17 years, he has no buffer in his life between us that blocked out my depression from him.  Having PTSD sucks some days.

This is truly the first time that I had a major meltdown with it in a long time. Nothing I did could bring me out of it.  I went to bed early each night.  I took some sleep aids and slept it off like a bad hang over.  Yesterday, we completed the shopping I couldn’t and  ended our evening with church, sandwiches and smiles.  Came on hard and fast and left the same way, as if it never happened.  SMH.

I’ve been doing a home bible study as well as my weekly with my girlfriends.  I’ve got my nose in a few books, too.  One of which is called “Eve” by Wm. Paul Young, the man who wrote “The Shack”.  So far, it’s really good.  I’m only a few chapters in, though.  My home study is another Max Lucado called, “He Still Moves Stones” which is amazing.  I’m burying myself in God’s word, worship and singing to Him.  One of my daily devotionals comes from a site that also sells books and I got an incredible deal on some good ones.  I purchased several of Max’s books for only $5 each.  I’m looking forward to reading each one.

On Thursday, I stopped at Staples on my way to physical therapy and while crossing in the crosswalk, a stopped car proceeded to drive and hit me.  He clipped my knee.  I am not hurt, more outraged by the incident.  It was a Senior Citizen and being me, I am sure that he couldn’t have missed seeing me.  SMH He never stopped, even after he heard my knee hit the car.  Just kept on going.

My son got his learners permit.  Still doesn’t want to drive the car.  LOL!  After our vacation in June, I’m going to hire a driving school for him to take lessons.  Who knows?  Maybe my dad will take him out.  You never can tell with that man.

Today I’ve made two loaves of homemade banana bread and my wings are cooking up for dinner.  Sometimes, I wish I had more people to cook for.  I miss cooking for large quantities of people.  I remember the times I’d invite my co-workers over for dinner and how much I enjoyed cooking for them.  Since it is just the kid and me, I haven’t cooked big in a while.  😦  Heck, I haven’t made a roast in so long, I almost forget how to do it. LOL!.

I’m still waiting on God’s promise.  I am not being very patient.  I am ashamed of my impatience.  I’m trying.  I’m not good at it at all.  I guess that is why God is still making me wait.  <sigh>  I’m jealous of the time others get to spend with him.  I am looking for an acknowledgement of some kind.  A sign that I’m not a fool.  I ask so much of God and I still don’t know how He is putting up with my crazy or how He’s going to make it happen.  I pray a LOT!

PT is going as well as PT can go.  Pain in my shoulder is reduced.  THANK GOD!  I am getting more movement in my shoulder and they use the tens machine on it as well as they put a pain patch on me afterwards.  It’s a steroid with a battery operated pump that pushes the meds through the skin.  I wear it for 3 hours.  I think it’s supposed to help break down the calcium deposits in the area.  Only 4 more weeks to go.

Can hardly wait for June to get here.  Heading up to Virginia to visit a friend and am super excited.  He lives in Staunton, so I’m thinking I might also head to see friends in KY and TN as well, since I’ll be there. 😀 We shall see.

Life is certainly interesting.

Prompt….

I’ve been doing some guided journaling with prompts in my personal journals and one of the prompts was to describe something that is happening with my body, without emotions, but the physical manifestation only.  Suggestions were sex, work, etc.  I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do until my head started twinging and I knew what was coming.

MIGRAINE!!!

I’m sitting in church, listening to the sermon, under the florescent lights and it begins.  I feel a twinge over my brow.  It is always like this under the bright, white lights. I take a deep breath and try to concentrate.  It isn’t easy, I know what is coming.  I glance at my watch and wonder how much longer I can sit here.  A small pulsing begins to take form in my head and I know it won’t be long until it spreads.

I feel the pain inching its way across my forehead.  UGH!  Not now.  I try to listen to what the Pastor is saying; but it is a lost cause.  I am trapped in the ugliness.  Time ticks by second by second.  I can almost feel the second hand on my watch moving slowly around the dial.

Breathe.

Slow, steady breaths, in and out.  Trying to hold it together until the last Amen.  My stomach begins to turn.  Great, the nausea is starting.  I pray to God that I won’t throw up.  I stand up for the benediction and quickly escape to the exit.  I leave so as not to have to talk to anyone.  So I do not have to stay another second under those lights.

The car ride home is a blur as I am lost in my body.  It takes all that I have within me to make it to the front door.  Pain lashes my head, spreading rapidly, outward and inward.  I’ve squinted my eyes from the harsh lights.  I have no music on; because the thought of a noise will make me implode.  Breathing in and out.

The car air freshener is making the nausea worse.  I want to throw it out the window; but I don’t; because the effort is way too much.

HOME!!!

I pull in the driveway and stumble to the door.  I go inside, grateful I can lay down.  I pop 3 Excedrin, go to my room, strip out of my clothes, climb in bed and pray for relief. It is pitch black in here.  Perfect.

I lay on the bed, not moving a muscle.  If I move, the pain will shift and lance through me once again.  I do what I hate to do in these times…..I concentrate on the pain.  Each beat of my heart has the pain pulsing through my head.  My hair hurts.  I am paralyzed by my thoughts as my focus is intently on the crushing, violent stabbing going on inside my body.

I’m sweating. I shiver.  My stomach is rolling.  I can hear noise in the distance, as if a thousand buzzing flies are somewhere close by.  Don’t concentrate on the pain.  It’s too much to handle.  Let me black out.  Time is my enemy as the seconds turn to minutes.  I feel each one of them as they slowly drone on.

Zap.  Stab.  Throb.  Pain so crushing I think my head will cave in, my sight will disappear and my stomach will empty its contents all over the place.

Praying, praying, praying.  “God, help me through this pain.”  I say it over and over and over again.  Nothing seems to help.  The meds take too long to kick in.  The internal struggle is torture.  It is days like this that I hate my body.

I finally drift away in oblivion. I pray rest will restore my body.  I am so weak. Migraine hang over will soon encompass me and I hate that almost as much as the Migraine itself.

Ortho today

I went to the Orthopedic doctor today and NO SURGERY!!!  YEAH!  So grateful to God for this blessing.  I’ll be in Physical Therapy; but no cutting.  I was a wreck going into this appointment.  I listened to all the cousins tell me how horrible it was going to be.  How painful it was going to be and how long I’d be down; but turns out, I was making a mountain out of a molehill.  😀

I prayed to God about how I didn’t want to have surgery.  I just can’t be down for that kind of time or that kind of pain when I can only take Tylenol.  The doctor, however, was very impressed with my tolerance for pain.  After explaining the original injury in 2009 and how I first had the EMT put it back in place and then put it back in place myself by slamming my shoulder into the wall, he was even more baffled.  He told me he was impressed with my tolerance, especially since he used to be a sports medicine doctor for MLB and has seen the same injuries on the field with a lot less tolerance.  I left the office in high spirits and praising God for His mercy!!

I just took a personality test on  http://www.16personalities.com  that identified me as INFJ or Introverts, Initiatives, Feelers, & Judges, I have to say that once I saw the results it all makes sense.  I often wondered why I am so often misunderstood.  Why I feel things so much more than others.  Why I’m so different to others and why I can write things far better than I can verbally communicate things.  Anyway, I got a better understanding of the way I am vs the universe and I have to say it is nice to know that I am not as unusual as I think I am.  I’m part of the 2% of woman and 1% of men who fall into this category.

I’ve been working a lot on my journaling this week.  Just trying to get the thoughts out of my head and onto paper.  I’m using journal prompts to get it out there and it’s interesting some of the prompts I’ve come across.

I’m getting ready to send out some additional RAK’s for this month since I wasn’t able to do so while I was down with the shoulder.  I also made a painting, inspired by our trip to the Ringling Bros. Museum. 20170316_203717

God Bless! ❤

Life’s Lemons

For the last 24 years, I’ve been in pain 24/7 for 365.  This is a fact, not a whine.  This new pain is bringing me down low.  Just when I think this is going to be my year, life kicks me in the gut.  I don’t think I’ll ever catch a break.  I truly hate to complain about the pain; but it is so bad that I am back to vomiting over it.  UGH!

I finally decided that wearing a button down shirt is my best option.  It is the “least” painful thing to wear when you have to go from one outfit to another.  It is still painful; but I’m not having to lift my arm as much as when I wear a pull over.

The pain is radiating from the fingers up to my neck.  It is excruciating and I want to scream all the time.  I’m not; but I want to do so.

I sometimes feel like God is playing a joke on me.  That I am the butt of all of his jokes.  “Hey, look what I can do to this gal” and the next disaster strikes.  I take it all in and smile while I’m doing it because I know He’s got my back and won’t let me flounder.  Boy am I a fool.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love God with all my heart and soul. It is just that I feel so lost and alone.  For every step or two I take, I am kicked back a mile.  I haven’t been able to do anything outside of the house in almost a week.  I just drove my kid to and from school and a small trip to the grocery store; but that was exhausting to me.

I haven’t even made dinner in three days.  No, my kid won’t starve; but I’ve always made sure to make him a meal and I just can’t do it.  I’m so wiped out.  I can’t even brush my hair.  It’s a raccoon’s nest on steroids!!!  I look like holy hell.

If this is supposed to teach me something, I certainly would love to know what.  I also feel that I could have learned the lesson without the pain.

My MRI is on the 16th and ortho appt. is on the 22nd.  I can hardly wait to see what happens.  I just want to move forward.

Sometimes Life Sucks

In 2009, when my ex tried to kill me, he managed to dislocate my left shoulder.  It has not been the same since.  It took me several months to get it to stop popping out and having to put it back in place by slapping it into the wall.  Not fun.

Well, this past week, I lifted my arm and BOOM!  It is ruined!  I’m in an immobilizer sling right now and awaiting an MRI on Thursday and follow up with an Orthopedic dr.  UGH!!! I can’t believe this is happening.  I can never seem to catch a break!

The pain is immense.  It has been so bad that today is the first day I haven’t sat up and vomited.  I’m taking Tylenol for the pain.  Yup, that’s it.  Nothing more.  Thank you body for hating me so much that I can’t take anything stronger.

At present, I am cursing the universe for this one.  I’m also cursing the ex for it as well.  I can’t brush my hair.  I can’t lift my arm so I can only imagine when I’ll be able to wash it and going to the bathroom is murder!  I never knew how hard it was to pull up the panties one handed until now.  OH and the dance I have to do to accomplish it is too funny.

I cannot even begin to tell you the pain this thing has caused me over the last 8 years; but I never expected it to turn out like this.  I even kept my kid out of school to help me; because I am useless.  UGH!

Now, I await test results and doctor inquiries.  I am not happy about this at all.  No I Am NOT!  It’s times like this, I wish I had someone who could take care of me.  Alas, I do not, so I will figure out how to do it all on my own.  That’s how I usually do things anyway, so why should this be any different.

Any movement is painful.  I have cried more than I care to admit from the pain.  Sleeping is hard.  Changing clothes is hard.  I changed into this nightgown and I will not be out of it anytime soon.  IT HURT!!!!

Time is crawling by slowly.  I’m trying not to borrow trouble; but I guess I need to just pray and hope.  It is all I can do at this point.