Freedom

Tonight I went downtown to “Bike Night” and saw Lita Ford in concert.  Had a fabulous time and as I was driving home, it occurred to me that in the last year, I have truly enjoyed the freedom of not having to ask someone’s permission to do things and have them say no or to say yes and then upon the day’s arrival, force me to cancel my plans, leaving me disappointed.

I can hardly believe it took me a year to realize I am finally free!  I’m free of controlling men.  I can come and go as I please.  After spending the last 22 years with 2 different men who controlled my every move, I am free to do as I please, when I please, with whomever I please.

WOW!  I am amazed.  After all this time, I’ve finally realized that I owe nothing to anyone.

I always believed that a couple should share everything and respect each other and love each other and treasure each other.  In relationships where one partner is completely controlling of the other, you don’t get these same freedoms, love or respect.  You become a virtual slave to the other person and their needs are all that is important.  Even though I’ve completed some intense therapy, I have only just now realized the extent to which I was controlled.  I am so grateful that I am no longer in such situations.  YEAH!!

Knowing that God is bringing me my next relationship and it will be blessed by Him, I have no fear that I will have to worry about that again.  God is directing me toward His plan for my life and I have to say that it is greatly anticipated and looked forward to.

I’m keeping busy while I wait for this plan.  I’ve been crocheting blankets for Boggy Creek Summer Camp, which children with brain tumors and cancer attend yearly.  This camp gives each camper a blanket and teddy bear to keep.  So far, I’ve made two and am working on the 3rd.  I also am working on two other blankets for friends having babies in December & January.

I’m busy with my son’s Senior year of HS as well.  He got his Sr. portraits taken and the cost about floored me!!!  YIKES!!!  I didn’t really like them, either.  He has about 3 weeks left of Marching Band and the time seems to be just sailing by.  He’s working on his college audition videos with several boys from band and is making progress.  So proud of him.

I’ve lost 19 lbs in the last month and am happy with my progress.  I’m steadily getting my life in order.  I’ve got to downsize more and I am waiting until it is a bit cooler to start again.  UGH!  It’s still so incredibly hot.

I miss living up north sometimes.  I miss the leaves changing, the crisp smell of autumn air and the crunch of leaves under foot.   I miss hiking in the woods or up the mountains.  <sigh>

My grandfather passed away this week.  It’s been 18 years since my grandmothers passed, within one week of each other, while I was pregnant with my son.  My grandfather suffered with dementia for the last few years and it is truly a blessing that he has gone home to our Lord.  I know my NC family is grieving his loss.  It hurts that I will no longer get to see him; but I will one day, when I leave this world.  He will be greatly missed. ❤

Most of the missed hurricane days from school are going to be made up before the new year, with only a few days after the new year comes to finish it up.  My son will be graduating on May 19th at 10 am and my parents told me that they’re planning a cruise right after with my cousin, who’s twins will be graduating on the 17th of May, so we may tag along if the price is right.

My world is finally settling into a new normal.  I’m learning to be me again.  I’m who I am again.  Living my life, raising my son, taking care of my pups and loving the new freedom I’ve regained.

Life is good. ❤

 

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13 Reasons Why

So, I just finished reading the book 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher. Not bad for a teen novel about such a sad subject.

SPOILERS!!!!  If you don’t want them, don’t continue this post.

So, the book is about a girl who committed suicide and leaves 13 stories as to what led her to do so.  Everything from rumors, lies, rape, drinking and betrayal enter into the mix.  Her first kiss becomes a rumor of lies that’s she’s a bad girl.  Reputation in ruins and humiliation.  Shame on you, Justin.  Alex made a survey that stated the poor gal had a great ass, which led to another student groping her ass, as if he had a right to touch her without her permission to begin with.  Jessica and her were friends of a sort and became enemies with a fight included.  Tyler was a peeper, with a camera to boot and there is nothing even remotely cool about a stalker!!  Courtney, butter wouldn’t melt in this girls mouth and even though she approaches you with the guise of friendship, she’s a liar and user, even she’s so kind and sweet.  Ah, Marcus, a guy who thought it was okay to grope a girl, in public, and got so upset when she pushed him away and he fell on the floor.  Didn’t find it funny, Marcus?  Aw…poor baby.  Zach, Zach, Zach….when all a girl needed was a bit of encouragement in a time of crisis, you stole it from her and let the darkness descend even further over her soul.  And the fact that you KNEW, well, that’s rich.  Ryan, the poet, the writer, the guy who stole her poem, letting the world know of her sadness – anonymously.  Then there is Clay.  Ah, Clay.  They all stole her from you, didn’t they?  The only innocent one of the 13.  All you tried to do is date your crush and she was so far gone by the time you kissed her, you wound up losing it all.  Justin came back on the scene the night of Clay’s kiss and allowed Bryce to rape Courtney at a party, while she was passed out cold.  Hey, bro’s before ho’s, right Justin?  PIGS!  Oh, Jenny, who offered her a ride home only to plow into a stop sign knocking it down.  Who knew that not 15 minutes later, someone would die because of your hit and run?  And finally, Mr. Porter, Guidance Counselor of the Year!  Your sad, broken, suicidal student comes to you in pain and in need of help and you tell her to basically get over it and move one, so she does.  She swallows the pills, she ends her life, she moves on, just like you told her to do.

Signs were everywhere.  Changing her look.  Giving away her possessions.  Withdrawing from friends.  So many signs and so little attention given to her as she spiraled out of control.

In this world, there are a million things that are going to go wrong every day!  EVERY DAY!  It is always darkest before the dawn.  Believe me, I know what that is like.  I know what it is like to want to end your suffering.  But for me, THIS IS NOT AN OPTION!

There is nothing so devastating that ending your life is the answer.  Suicide leaves behind loved ones who have to live with the guilt.  It leaves behind unanswered questions.  It leaves behind a world that is not better because you are gone.  Life is not easy.  Struggle is in everything.  You cannot allow another person to take your joy, your happiness.  Find someone, anyone who will listen to you.  If one person doesn’t find another.  Don’t ever give up!

For the last 25 years, I’ve suffered from Trigeminal Neuralgia, a.k.a. “The Suicide Disease”.  It is listed in medical books as the most painful disease in the world.  I’m still here, still fighting.  I have PTSD with depression and days so black I want to close my eyes forever.  I don’t.  I have been beaten by and cheated on by the man I thought was my everything.  I’m still here.  I have buried my best friend after a long bought with liver disease.  I’m still here.  My parents should NEVER have had children due to their hate filled existences; but I am still here.  I have been raped.  I have been molested.  I have watched my world crumble too many times to count and I AM STILL HERE!

I beg of you, please, don’t let someone else dull your sparkle.  Don’t let this world beat you.  YOU ARE SPECIAL.  YOU ARE LOVED.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 

Provides help to those in suicidal crisis or emotional distress.

Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

Musings and such.

Happy Independence Day, America!!!

Ever since my vacation up north, I’ve been sick or suffered with migraines.  Finally got rid of the bronchitis and now it’s just migraine central. UGH!  Let’s just say, the rainy season aka Florida summer is here in full force.  Let the suffering begin.  Ha, ha.

I recently read the book, “God, Where is my Boaz” by Stephan Labossiere.  It was short and sweet and to the point.  The author, who really got me thinking, told how God works in our lives, even when we are waiting on His plan for us.  The author gave tips on what to do in the waiting time; but also how to effectively pray to God so that we can get answers and not just “assume” that the next man we meet is going to be “the one.”

So, I prayed to God that night, after finishing the book.  Using a prayer to discover God’s Will for my life and if said man, whom I’ve known by name since November was HIM (again — as we know I have done numerous times over the last 8 mths) and received not only his NAME in my daily devotional; but also that I needed to dig in deeper to the word of God to get my “Boaz”.  Talk about a break through!!!!  YEAH!

Now, I pray daily so many times, but I never prayed for God’s Will before.  I prayed for discernment, for proof of the man, for peace, for a time table; but not for God’s Will.  Finally, I’m making progress.  LOL!

I want to get so much closer to God and receive my blessing from Him.  However, I also want to stay close to the Lord for the rest of my life.  I know He has picked a wonderful man for me and I only have to wait on His perfect timing in order to get to the plan.  I am committed to God and His will for my life.  I hope I don’t disappoint Him.

One of the other things Mr. Labossiere stated in his book was that a woman should prepare herself to be with her “Boaz” and I must confess that I’ve been doing that as well.  We need to forgive ourselves as well as those who hurt us in the past.  I’ve done this already.  However, fearing I will repeat mistakes or hurt this man, I’ve also been preparing to be a “Godly Wife” to my “Boaz”.

I’m not sure of the reality of it; but I’ve restructured my way of thinking when it comes to how to handle conflict, struggles, living with someone again and other things that will be challenging to a married couple.  I have one more school year with my son before college and he has all adult children.  Distance is an issue in the beginning.  However, if it is God Sanctioned, there will be a way.  I have faith.  I trust God and I look forward to the Love Story he is writing for us. ❤

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I Drive Myself Crazy!

I truly don’t need anyone else to do it; because I do it all by myself. LOL!

I’ve been following the adventures of Jonathan & Ben Carlin on youtube under the name “supercarlinbrothers”.  They do two new videos a week in which they discuss various topics.  They’ve been around for the last 5 years at least and I just discovered them and do enjoy their theories, adventures and commentary.

Finished my last day of PT on Friday and feel a heck of a lot better than I did when I initially hurt my shoulder.  So grateful for that.  Will miss my therapist, Hailey.  We had a lot of fun teasing each other and making the 45 minute session go quickly.

Considering joining a gym; but don’t like it how they seem to have all these hidden fees that spring up once you’re sucked in.  UGH!  Maybe after my vacation I’ll do it.  At present, I’m doing the exercises here, so as long as I continue, I should be okay with it.

VACATION!!!!  I’ll be taking my son with me up to Virginia the first two weeks of June to visit one of my dearest friends from my USMC days.  He and his wife invited us up and though we have never lost touch all these years, we haven’t seen each other in 20 years.  It is going to be a nice visit for sure.  I’m counting the days! 😀

Three more chapters in “He Still Moves Stones” and it has been a fantastic journey.  My women’s bible study has only 3 more chapters in 1 Corinthians before we break for the summer.  We just did 1 Cor 13 and went verse by verse on it in discussion.  We tore it apart and learned a lot about God’s Love.  Without love, our whole lives are incomplete.

I’ve been keeping a vision journal alongside my current prayer journal, which chronicles my vision journey.  The good, the bad and the ugly in black and white.  I keep so many journals for various things.  scripture, life, prompts, pain, etc.  I am also writing in one as letters to my love, all about different aspects of my life and as a way to talk to him when he won’t talk to me.  Such a difficult journey, to wait on the Lord’s perfect timing; but I am doing what I need to do to get through it.

The best part of this journey, though, is that God is answering me all the time.  It is so strange, too.  I pray to him and then He will show me through my daily devotional or even through my personal bible study.  I was reading the book and two chapters, each on the days I had questions or needs, revealed to me what I needed to hear.  It was incredible.  I talked with my son about it and he laughs at me; but he also believes me.  He laughs; but it has more to do with the way I tell him about it than the message.  My faith is strong.

God put on my heart this week to make a motivation/scripture book for my friend’s son who is graduating.  I put photos in it with things like he was wanted, he has a purpose, God has a plan, prayer works, etc. I felt with our conversation that he may have been in need.  Then, once I got the thought, I couldn’t get rid of it, so I finally did it and feel better about doing it.  Sent it out Friday and he should get it Monday or Tuesday.  He’s a really sweeet young man.  I only hope he likes it.

My son’s concert is on Tuesday.  Last of this school year.  He also has an awards banquet on the 12th.  I’m only hoping the time flies; because I so want to go on vacation. LOL!  Only 20 days of school left for him.  YEAH!  I can hardly believe he’s going to be a Senior next year.  Time flies.

 

God Is Good!

I began reading Max Lucado’s new book, “He Still Moves Stones” and I’m on chapter 4 last night and right there, in black and white, it shows me that even Jesus had trouble with his family.  WOW!  Max let me know that it is okay that I have walked away from my sisters and father due to the way they treat me.  That Jesus left His family and it wasn’t until His death that His family sang His praises.  (No I don’t want them to sing my praises when I’m dead)  It is just good to know that I’m in good company with the family thing.  😀

This past weekend, I took my son and his friend to Daytona to watch the FFCC Championship.  Last year, our High School won 1st Place.  This year, the lazy band director wouldn’t do Indoor Drumline, much to the kids disappointment.

Daytona was beautiful.  The weather excellent.  The hotel sucked!  They never cleaned our room on Saturday while we were gone all day.  Not happy.  No clean towels and when I went to the front desk, no one was there; but a sign that says “we’re full”.

The competition was great.  Very much so for us.  The boys hung out with friends from another school and just had a stress free weekend.  My son got sunburn on the top of his feet.  He missed school yesterday since he couldn’t wear shoes.  SMH.  Walked the beach.  Went to the fishing pier.  Saw dolphins and black tip sharks in the water.  I got a little sun; but I know better than to over expose myself due to the Lupus.  I bought a nice purple ball cap that I just love and almost bought a turtle; but worried he wouldn’t make it home alive.

I went to Bubba Gump for an early dinner/late lunch before going over to the arena and I must say it was delish!  The waiter was great, the whole staff, actually.  I had the Calamari and a shrimp po’boy along with 2 Georgia Peach tea’s that gave me a slight buzz; but wore off very quickly.  LOL!

Started PT yesterday.  Not too bad, so far.  I had to wear a pain pump patch for 3 hours afterwards which is a type of cortisone.  At least I’m not allergic to it. Ha, ha.

 

 

Life’s like this sometimes

Today, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on my life.  I reread a few messages I’ve received from a friend who gives great advice and I realize what a wonderful mind he has and what a great way with words.  I admire those who can articulate well.  In a world of hashtags, abbreviations and slang, it is a great thing to be able to string more than two words together that make sense.  So many of my son’s friends can barely speak correctly, let alone write a sentence.  Writing almost seems a lost art; but I hold on to hope.

Anyway, I digress.  This beautiful person’s words so touch my heart and when I compliment, it doesn’t seem to mean as much to him as it does to me.  SMH.

Since injuring my arm/shoulder last week and having the MRI today, I have been a bit sad.  Things don’t seem to be going the way I want them to and I’m not letting God have control and believe me, He’s let me know it, too.  He sent me a scripture about it, too, just to make sure I was paying attention.  Can’t get more specific than “Beautiful things will happen when God says it’s time.”  Oh and I received this as my message from God that day, too:  “Trying to force life to unfold faster than it is mean to is futile.  Call forth your patience and let it move at its own pace.”

Anyway, I saw this injury as a setback and began to get really upset.  I made it into a major deal, even though I just had the MRI today and have no idea the extent of the injury at this point.  I’ve imagined the worse, made it a major setback and have been so upset by the whole thing.  Of course, the fact that the pain was so horrible I wanted to rip the arm off and beat someone with it is beside the point.  I couldn’t even handle pain anymore.  Too much after too long suffering uncontrollable pain as well as not being able to take anything to dull the pain was just too much for me to cope with and I had a mini freak out.

The pain is manageable today and that is a plus.  I began reflecting on my life.  Where I am, where I am going, where I want to be and what God has planned and the path to get there.  I am overwhelmed with it all.  I had to step back, let go of control and let God do the work.  It is not easy.

I have this great hope in God and His plan for my life.  I want it yesterday.  I get overwhelmed by it all.  I sometimes wish He never let me know the plan.  LOL! However, that would not be teaching me the patience He so wants me to learn.

I so wish I could sit down and discuss it with Him in a way that He’d explain it all; but I know that won’t happen.  It’s just not God’s way.   So I, like so many other believers, have to wait and see as this plays out, one day at a time.  I am struggling.  Not that I have doubts in Him.  I have doubts in me.  I have doubts in the plan of how.  I have doubts in the other person coming around.

I’m doing so much praying these days.  I just hope that I will grow closer to Him and him.  I guess only time will tell.