13 Reasons Why

So, I just finished reading the book 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher. Not bad for a teen novel about such a sad subject.

SPOILERS!!!!  If you don’t want them, don’t continue this post.

So, the book is about a girl who committed suicide and leaves 13 stories as to what led her to do so.  Everything from rumors, lies, rape, drinking and betrayal enter into the mix.  Her first kiss becomes a rumor of lies that’s she’s a bad girl.  Reputation in ruins and humiliation.  Shame on you, Justin.  Alex made a survey that stated the poor gal had a great ass, which led to another student groping her ass, as if he had a right to touch her without her permission to begin with.  Jessica and her were friends of a sort and became enemies with a fight included.  Tyler was a peeper, with a camera to boot and there is nothing even remotely cool about a stalker!!  Courtney, butter wouldn’t melt in this girls mouth and even though she approaches you with the guise of friendship, she’s a liar and user, even she’s so kind and sweet.  Ah, Marcus, a guy who thought it was okay to grope a girl, in public, and got so upset when she pushed him away and he fell on the floor.  Didn’t find it funny, Marcus?  Aw…poor baby.  Zach, Zach, Zach….when all a girl needed was a bit of encouragement in a time of crisis, you stole it from her and let the darkness descend even further over her soul.  And the fact that you KNEW, well, that’s rich.  Ryan, the poet, the writer, the guy who stole her poem, letting the world know of her sadness – anonymously.  Then there is Clay.  Ah, Clay.  They all stole her from you, didn’t they?  The only innocent one of the 13.  All you tried to do is date your crush and she was so far gone by the time you kissed her, you wound up losing it all.  Justin came back on the scene the night of Clay’s kiss and allowed Bryce to rape Courtney at a party, while she was passed out cold.  Hey, bro’s before ho’s, right Justin?  PIGS!  Oh, Jenny, who offered her a ride home only to plow into a stop sign knocking it down.  Who knew that not 15 minutes later, someone would die because of your hit and run?  And finally, Mr. Porter, Guidance Counselor of the Year!  Your sad, broken, suicidal student comes to you in pain and in need of help and you tell her to basically get over it and move one, so she does.  She swallows the pills, she ends her life, she moves on, just like you told her to do.

Signs were everywhere.  Changing her look.  Giving away her possessions.  Withdrawing from friends.  So many signs and so little attention given to her as she spiraled out of control.

In this world, there are a million things that are going to go wrong every day!  EVERY DAY!  It is always darkest before the dawn.  Believe me, I know what that is like.  I know what it is like to want to end your suffering.  But for me, THIS IS NOT AN OPTION!

There is nothing so devastating that ending your life is the answer.  Suicide leaves behind loved ones who have to live with the guilt.  It leaves behind unanswered questions.  It leaves behind a world that is not better because you are gone.  Life is not easy.  Struggle is in everything.  You cannot allow another person to take your joy, your happiness.  Find someone, anyone who will listen to you.  If one person doesn’t find another.  Don’t ever give up!

For the last 25 years, I’ve suffered from Trigeminal Neuralgia, a.k.a. “The Suicide Disease”.  It is listed in medical books as the most painful disease in the world.  I’m still here, still fighting.  I have PTSD with depression and days so black I want to close my eyes forever.  I don’t.  I have been beaten by and cheated on by the man I thought was my everything.  I’m still here.  I have buried my best friend after a long bought with liver disease.  I’m still here.  My parents should NEVER have had children due to their hate filled existences; but I am still here.  I have been raped.  I have been molested.  I have watched my world crumble too many times to count and I AM STILL HERE!

I beg of you, please, don’t let someone else dull your sparkle.  Don’t let this world beat you.  YOU ARE SPECIAL.  YOU ARE LOVED.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 

Provides help to those in suicidal crisis or emotional distress.

Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

Musings and such.

Happy Independence Day, America!!!

Ever since my vacation up north, I’ve been sick or suffered with migraines.  Finally got rid of the bronchitis and now it’s just migraine central. UGH!  Let’s just say, the rainy season aka Florida summer is here in full force.  Let the suffering begin.  Ha, ha.

I recently read the book, “God, Where is my Boaz” by Stephan Labossiere.  It was short and sweet and to the point.  The author, who really got me thinking, told how God works in our lives, even when we are waiting on His plan for us.  The author gave tips on what to do in the waiting time; but also how to effectively pray to God so that we can get answers and not just “assume” that the next man we meet is going to be “the one.”

So, I prayed to God that night, after finishing the book.  Using a prayer to discover God’s Will for my life and if said man, whom I’ve known by name since November was HIM (again — as we know I have done numerous times over the last 8 mths) and received not only his NAME in my daily devotional; but also that I needed to dig in deeper to the word of God to get my “Boaz”.  Talk about a break through!!!!  YEAH!

Now, I pray daily so many times, but I never prayed for God’s Will before.  I prayed for discernment, for proof of the man, for peace, for a time table; but not for God’s Will.  Finally, I’m making progress.  LOL!

I want to get so much closer to God and receive my blessing from Him.  However, I also want to stay close to the Lord for the rest of my life.  I know He has picked a wonderful man for me and I only have to wait on His perfect timing in order to get to the plan.  I am committed to God and His will for my life.  I hope I don’t disappoint Him.

One of the other things Mr. Labossiere stated in his book was that a woman should prepare herself to be with her “Boaz” and I must confess that I’ve been doing that as well.  We need to forgive ourselves as well as those who hurt us in the past.  I’ve done this already.  However, fearing I will repeat mistakes or hurt this man, I’ve also been preparing to be a “Godly Wife” to my “Boaz”.

I’m not sure of the reality of it; but I’ve restructured my way of thinking when it comes to how to handle conflict, struggles, living with someone again and other things that will be challenging to a married couple.  I have one more school year with my son before college and he has all adult children.  Distance is an issue in the beginning.  However, if it is God Sanctioned, there will be a way.  I have faith.  I trust God and I look forward to the Love Story he is writing for us. ❤

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That still, small voice…

Today is the anniversary of the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ, my Lord & Savior.  On this day, God gave His Son to save the world.  ME!   I am awed and honored by this sacrifice, for a sinner like me.

I’m currently doing a personal bible study on Max Lucado’s book, “He Still Moves Stones” and it is wonderful.  God still uses the same book to teach us things that are applicable to us today, The Bible.  The bible is the LIVING word of God.  What was once applied to our world 2,000 plus years ago, is still applied today.  I find my strength in reading God’s word.

For me, I am deep in the word today, looking for answers to today’s situations and I have been finding them.  In Max’s book, he pointed out that even Jesus’ family disrespected Him in his own home town and He left them behind.  Much like I have left my sisters and father behind due to their dislike of me.  WOW!

Prayer was today’s chapter and I must say that I’ve been praying A LOT lately.  I’ve always prayed at the drop of a dime.  If someone is in need, I pray right then for them.  I’ve never been one to shy away from asking my Father to help those in need.  However, I also love to converse with Him.  I tell Him everything.  I have regular conversations with him everyday.

I remember being in a bible study several years ago and our teacher mentioned that she knew a woman years ago who prayed to God to find her keys.  My teacher thought that was a bit silly. She asked the woman why she did that and her response was, “If He can help me find my keys, imagine what He can do for my big needs.”  And from that day forward, I’ve told Him EVERYTHING!

I’ve asked God to help me lay hands on papers I’ve mislaid and found.  I’ve asked God to help me to calm down when I was upset or heard bad news and He has.  Over & over God has answered prayer after prayer for me.  I am so faithful to Him and I believe wholeheartedly that He will see to my needs.  That is why I am waiting on Him to fulfill His promise to me about His plan for my life.  I’m so excited to see it come to fruition and I know there is a lesson in the waiting.  Of course, for me it is to practice patience, my biggest weakness.

When I am in doubt, being beaten up by the enemy, I pray to Him for strength or clarity or whatever it is that I am in need of at that point.  He delivers.  I prayed for clarity on the “who” and he sent me four signs in one morning that it was, indeed, him.  I prayed for it “NOW” and He sent me several scriptures on His perfect timing.  He even made my next morning Daily Devotional on waiting for His perfect timing.  I’ve had doubts it truly is “him” and for Valentine’s day, I had a Hello Kitty valentine show up in my FB feed where Kitty was sending one to “his name”.  It’s been 5 months since promise and I have struggled.  Each time I battle my depression, I am feeling a lot of pain, I am missing this person, I stumble; but I always get up.

Two days ago, I asked for clarity, again, and the cartoon character with his name popped up.  When I told God I completely give up on this person, I turn on the television in the morning and the first thing they say is HIS NAME parkway is shut down.  FIRST THING!!!  All I can say is, it’s HARD to wait when your patience is near non-existent.  LOL!

Of course, it doesn’t help that this man is driving me nuts with his denial.  I think he is not afraid of the future; but afraid that the past will repeat itself and cause him pain.  I have seen what has happened to him and I grieve for his loss.  I have cried gallons of tears for him and mourn over his loss.  I pray for him.  I pray for his healing and strength and family and that if he is not for me, that God will banish him from my heart and mind.  So far, God hasn’t done so and keeps him in my focus. 😀

In the last year, I have grown so much spiritually.  I am so happy with my relationship with God.  I am glad that I can go to Him for everything and anything.  My faith is strong.  My love for Him is eternal.  My belief in His plan for me is solid.

So, on this anniversary of the greatest sacrifice the world has ever seen, I praise my Lord and Savior for who He is, what He has done for me and where I am in His world.

He is Risen! ❤

The Shack

If you want to see an extraordinary movie, I highly recommend “The Shack”.  You will laugh, you will cry and you will experience a miracle as long as your heart is open.

As someone who has suffered incredible pain in my life from so many sources, I definitely felt healing was the main purpose of this incredible movie.  On the way home, I stopped and bought the soundtrack and the book to read.  (Yes, I am nuts, but I’m okay with that.)

Sometimes when this life has dealt us too much pain to bear and we let it surround us and encompass us, we lose our hope.  We blame ourselves, we blame others and we blame God.  However, this movie introduces us to God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit and lets us see through their eyes.  Oh, the power of this movie is tremendous.

I spent time praying for another’s hurts while watching this movie.  I couldn’t NOT pray.  This movie has moved me beyond mere words.  To say it is powerful is an understatement.  Since seeing the previews, I have been drawn to this movie.  I am so grateful I went to see it.

I also had the pleasure of sharing the experience with two great women friends.  Each woman felt the same way.  Anastasia had previously read the book and mentioned that it was one of the few movies she’s seen that actually does the book justice.

My girlfriends and I enjoyed a wonderful Italian meal afterwards and great conversations as well.  I cannot imagine a better end to a great day than a movie and meal with friends.

My heart wants me to share the movie with the man whom God is preparing me for; but I don’t know how to broach the subject with him at present, so I am sure that God will reveal the way.

I love the Lord.  I rejoice in being saved by Jesus and I so hope that by sharing with others that they will come to know God through me.

 

22 Days

The tree is up.  Purple lights make it look dazzling.  No ornaments, yet.  My son wants a small holiday party with his friends.  I told him sure.  Just have to pick the date.

I’m so ready for this year to end.  2016 has been a rough year.  I am so looking forward to a new year.

Church tonight.  Looking forward to that as well.  After not being able to go to church at all over the last year and a half, it is so good to be back to going each week.  I really hated to miss; but I was needed at home and I am glad I was able to do what I did.

Still plugging along on the book.  It’s coming along nicely.  God is blessing me in this arena as well as with benefits for my boy.

Took another painting class last night.  Turned out pretty good.  I’ve made a few art journaling pages today.  I had a jewelry class Wednesday evening.  From that, I was able to make several pieces while awaiting for my son during his audition for All County.  I made a bracelet in pink for my friend, Michelle’s birthday, which was yesterday.

My sister, Vickie was going to my mother’s for Christmas; but has since changed them, so now my sister, Michelle will be there.  Neither my son, nor I want to go there for the holiday.  We were invited for turkey day; but we didn’t want to be there on that day, either.

My son wants us to go to Russell Stover’s store while he’s on vacation.  We’ll have to see how the money is; but I’m sure we’ll be able to do it.  He likes that place for some strange reason. Ha, ha.

My son got himself two new CD’s yesterday and we listened to them in the car.  Avenged Sevenfold’s new song, “Angel” is really great.  I like it a lot.  My son once dedicated one of their songs to me on FB and I have to tell you, it was beautiful.

I love all types of music.  My tastes run from Classical to Jazz to Heavy Metal, Rock n Roll, Pop, R&B, etc.  I can’t imagine there is music that I haven’t liked.  I got hooked on Country while in the USMC (how could I not with three roommates from the South — 2 Texas & one Louisiana. LOL!).  Music has always been my go to when I’m in need of some soul healing.

My mind is scattered today.  But just a little bit.  I can’t seem to concentrate on one thing or another.  It’s distracting me.  I hope I can stay focused on tonight’s sermon.  I need it.

Well, I’m off to where that may lead.  Hopefully not too wild and crazy.  😀

He Loves Me Not

He Loves Me Not by Christine Kersey is the latest book I’ve read.  I’ve been reading A LOT of books lately (like one every other day) on the kindle; but this one struck a chord in me.  As I read Lily’s story of a whirlwind romance, marriage and ride of terror, it reminded me of my own past.  How naïve I’d been when I, like Lily, saw signs that pointed to the true nature of my spouses  personality, only to not believe it.  It is so easy to not believe the monster is truly a monster when the monster is such a good actor.  My personal monster was a psychopath with no conscience at all, not a feeling of guilt or remorse ever crossed his thoughts and lying straight-faced is a common occurrence for him.

As I watched Lily question herself, I remembered questioning myself in the same way.  Making excuses for his misdeeds as if my love alone could heal him.  How wrong we are.  These people blame us when they lose control.  We’re the ones at fault.  ALWAYS!  It’s strange what we’re willing to accept, what we’re willing to look the other way on and how we try to make amends for the things that they do.

My heart ached for Lily as she struggled.  She is so like so many others who get trapped in these types of relationships.  I was lucky to escape and so was she.  Of course, there is a second book; but I’m not there yet. 🙂

Each day, I am more and more grateful that I was able to get away with my life.  I was fortunate enough to have lived through it.  Not many who escape are that lucky.  When leaving a violent spouse (male or female) it is the most dangerous time.  Abuse escalates and can lead to death.

Like Lily, my spouse was in jail at the time of my escape.  Mine was in jail for nearly killing me, whereas her spouse was in for car theft.  No matter the reason, we were both free to escape our tormentors.  Reflecting upon my experience, I now see that I should’ve run FAR, FAR away at the first hint of danger; but the fool that I am, I stayed.  Love makes us blind sometimes; but it also made me (and Lily) deaf and dumb as well.  I wish I could say I regret it or if I could go back with full knowledge I’d not do it again; because I wouldn’t have my son.  Yes, the life was full of danger; but there are some things you just can’t change.

I will always love my ex for giving me my son; but anything more, not so much.  I don’t hate him; but I don’t like him either.  I mostly feel sorry for him.  He will never feel the love of another person.  He’ll never know the safety of being with someone who cares for you.  He is without feelings and has to live his life as an actor, constantly pretending to be who he isn’t.   I can only imagine how hard it must be for someone to constantly pretend to be something they’re not.  Too much energy if you ask me.

Anyway, it was a good book, if you can stomach the abuse.  It’s not too bad; mostly verbal and a bit of physical, not too graphic, though.  Of course, I read “Rose Madder” by Stephen King years ago before I was married and that one is very graphic and nowhere near the mellow story of “He Loves Me Not”.  But, that’s another blog. 🙂

Books I Love

As a Christian, I love to read books about faith.  I got totally hooked on “The Reluctant Demon Diaries” Series by Linda Rios Brook.  From the moment I opened “Lucifer’s Flood” to the last page of “The Redeemer”, I was enthralled.  The hardest part for me was waiting for the last book to come out.

After reading this four book series, I was in heaven.  What a beautiful story of sin and redemption.  As I don’t want to give away too much of the story, I will tell you that it is about a lessor demon who gets cast out of heaven with Lucifer and struggles through humanity’s trials trying to redeem himself.  What a beautiful story of being saved.

What I love most about this story is that it gives hope to all those who are in need of saving.

Another author I’ve found that has given me a different perspective on healing the soul is James Rubart.  I discovered his book, “The Chair” while at the bookstore and loved its message.  The book is about a mysterious chair that “heals” people and is said to be hand crafted by the Master Carpenter.  All I can say is WOW!

This lead me to read his other two books, “Rooms” and “Book of Days”, which were equally enthralling.  Each of these books has a different perspective on getting good with God.  I love it that they are about hope and choices and how our free will choices effect our lives.

I’m currently reading Max Lucado’s “Come Thirsty”.  I’m doing it as part of my Women’s Study Group and we’ve been really enjoying the tail.  It starts with the woman at the well, one of my favorite scriptures in the Bible and goes on to much more.

For a personal study, I’m following “Managing Your Moods” Study Guide for women, which is also a good study.  It delves into such emotions as Jealousy and Anger and what the Bible says about these emotions.

I like to read and I even have a few I’ve been reading on my Kindle which are great, too.  “What to Pray” and “The Michael Letters” are part of my collection.

Even my 12 year old son loves to read! 🙂 All I can say is read, read, read!  You never know what you’ll get from it and you could get more than you ever dreamed!