Freedom

Tonight I went downtown to “Bike Night” and saw Lita Ford in concert.  Had a fabulous time and as I was driving home, it occurred to me that in the last year, I have truly enjoyed the freedom of not having to ask someone’s permission to do things and have them say no or to say yes and then upon the day’s arrival, force me to cancel my plans, leaving me disappointed.

I can hardly believe it took me a year to realize I am finally free!  I’m free of controlling men.  I can come and go as I please.  After spending the last 22 years with 2 different men who controlled my every move, I am free to do as I please, when I please, with whomever I please.

WOW!  I am amazed.  After all this time, I’ve finally realized that I owe nothing to anyone.

I always believed that a couple should share everything and respect each other and love each other and treasure each other.  In relationships where one partner is completely controlling of the other, you don’t get these same freedoms, love or respect.  You become a virtual slave to the other person and their needs are all that is important.  Even though I’ve completed some intense therapy, I have only just now realized the extent to which I was controlled.  I am so grateful that I am no longer in such situations.  YEAH!!

Knowing that God is bringing me my next relationship and it will be blessed by Him, I have no fear that I will have to worry about that again.  God is directing me toward His plan for my life and I have to say that it is greatly anticipated and looked forward to.

I’m keeping busy while I wait for this plan.  I’ve been crocheting blankets for Boggy Creek Summer Camp, which children with brain tumors and cancer attend yearly.  This camp gives each camper a blanket and teddy bear to keep.  So far, I’ve made two and am working on the 3rd.  I also am working on two other blankets for friends having babies in December & January.

I’m busy with my son’s Senior year of HS as well.  He got his Sr. portraits taken and the cost about floored me!!!  YIKES!!!  I didn’t really like them, either.  He has about 3 weeks left of Marching Band and the time seems to be just sailing by.  He’s working on his college audition videos with several boys from band and is making progress.  So proud of him.

I’ve lost 19 lbs in the last month and am happy with my progress.  I’m steadily getting my life in order.  I’ve got to downsize more and I am waiting until it is a bit cooler to start again.  UGH!  It’s still so incredibly hot.

I miss living up north sometimes.  I miss the leaves changing, the crisp smell of autumn air and the crunch of leaves under foot.   I miss hiking in the woods or up the mountains.  <sigh>

My grandfather passed away this week.  It’s been 18 years since my grandmothers passed, within one week of each other, while I was pregnant with my son.  My grandfather suffered with dementia for the last few years and it is truly a blessing that he has gone home to our Lord.  I know my NC family is grieving his loss.  It hurts that I will no longer get to see him; but I will one day, when I leave this world.  He will be greatly missed. ❤

Most of the missed hurricane days from school are going to be made up before the new year, with only a few days after the new year comes to finish it up.  My son will be graduating on May 19th at 10 am and my parents told me that they’re planning a cruise right after with my cousin, who’s twins will be graduating on the 17th of May, so we may tag along if the price is right.

My world is finally settling into a new normal.  I’m learning to be me again.  I’m who I am again.  Living my life, raising my son, taking care of my pups and loving the new freedom I’ve regained.

Life is good. ❤

 

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The Book of Henry

SPOILERS!!!  If you haven’t seen it and want to, don’t read any further.

An 11-year-old boy genius named Henry Carpenter, and his younger brother, Peter, are raised by their single mother, Susan, a waitress who is working on writing children’s picture books. Henry has used his intellect to invest successfully in the stock market, building up a very substantial nest egg for his family. Henry and Susan both like their next-door neighbor (and Henry’s classmate), Christina, who has recently become sad.

Henry realizes that Christina is being abused by her stepfather, Glenn, the local police commissioner. Henry reports the abuse to the authorities, but Glenn has connections throughout the local government, and Henry is unable to get the authorities or the school to launch a serious investigation that would protect Christina.

Henry decides to come up with his own plan to rescue Christina; but after having a seizure and being diagnosed with a brain tumor, he passes away.  Henry does, however, leave behind a “fail proof” plan to kill off Glenn in a red notebook he leaves behind.

This notebook, along with a cassette tape, tells Susan – step by step – how she can kill Glenn, get away with his murder, rescue Christina and get custody of her afterward.

Susan reads the notebook and after going through the same disappointing steps as Henry has in reporting the abuse, realizes she has to follow through with the plan.  She gets all the way up to having Glenn in her scope and can’t pull the trigger.  Instead, she confronts the man and tells him she knows what he’s doing, she has proof and she is going to take him down.  He scoffs at the idea; because of who he is and she stands firm.

Her “alibi” is the kid’s talent competition at school, where both Peter and Christina perform.  While watching Christina perform a heartbreaking dance, the Principal finally sees what Henry has been telling her all along and calls the authorities.  As the police come to arrest Glenn, he takes the cowards way out and kills himself instead of facing up to what he has done to an 11-year-old girl.  Susan does get to adopt Christina in the end.

My 17-year-old son & I watched this movie and I wish I had brought more tissues with me.  The abuse and Henry’s death about kill me in the tears department.  We discuss the film on our way to Chili’s to get dinner.

Personally, I would have taken the shot.  Even though I know this is morally wrong, even though I would question my Salvation in Christ, I would have taken the shot.  To me, this man is a monster and I would become judge, jury and executioner, especially if I were emotionally involved.  I’d also try harder with authorities before even thinking of executing such a plan.  I’m just glad this was fiction.

My son lost all respect for Susan when she bailed on the plan.  Didn’t matter that it ended up okay in the end, he thought she should have finished the plan.  “What if Glen didn’t kill himself and he made Susan lose Peter or made her life hell?” was his reasoning.  I can understand.

For me, monsters like that need to be executed.  They do not rehabilitate.  They do not repent and they do not change.  These predators just find another way to offend and  are better off dead.  I’m talking about grown men who prey on little girls and boys.  Children who cannot consent to being molested.  The children who can’t defend themselves against this type of cruelty.    Men or women who use children for sexual gratification have something wrong with them, in my mind, and deserve the death penalty.  Even if chemically castrated, you can’t stop the thoughts and the numerous other ways they can still abuse a child.

In this day and age, children are forced to grow up way to soon as it is.  It is heartbreaking that so many fall through the cracks as it is.  Children are precious.  I spent the first 8 years of my sons life protecting him from his father and I still didn’t do enough.  I know if he molested my son, I would have killed him.  I am only grateful we escaped with our lives and are free.  His father is deceased now and we no longer live in fear.

God Is Good!

I began reading Max Lucado’s new book, “He Still Moves Stones” and I’m on chapter 4 last night and right there, in black and white, it shows me that even Jesus had trouble with his family.  WOW!  Max let me know that it is okay that I have walked away from my sisters and father due to the way they treat me.  That Jesus left His family and it wasn’t until His death that His family sang His praises.  (No I don’t want them to sing my praises when I’m dead)  It is just good to know that I’m in good company with the family thing.  😀

This past weekend, I took my son and his friend to Daytona to watch the FFCC Championship.  Last year, our High School won 1st Place.  This year, the lazy band director wouldn’t do Indoor Drumline, much to the kids disappointment.

Daytona was beautiful.  The weather excellent.  The hotel sucked!  They never cleaned our room on Saturday while we were gone all day.  Not happy.  No clean towels and when I went to the front desk, no one was there; but a sign that says “we’re full”.

The competition was great.  Very much so for us.  The boys hung out with friends from another school and just had a stress free weekend.  My son got sunburn on the top of his feet.  He missed school yesterday since he couldn’t wear shoes.  SMH.  Walked the beach.  Went to the fishing pier.  Saw dolphins and black tip sharks in the water.  I got a little sun; but I know better than to over expose myself due to the Lupus.  I bought a nice purple ball cap that I just love and almost bought a turtle; but worried he wouldn’t make it home alive.

I went to Bubba Gump for an early dinner/late lunch before going over to the arena and I must say it was delish!  The waiter was great, the whole staff, actually.  I had the Calamari and a shrimp po’boy along with 2 Georgia Peach tea’s that gave me a slight buzz; but wore off very quickly.  LOL!

Started PT yesterday.  Not too bad, so far.  I had to wear a pain pump patch for 3 hours afterwards which is a type of cortisone.  At least I’m not allergic to it. Ha, ha.

 

 

The Shack

If you want to see an extraordinary movie, I highly recommend “The Shack”.  You will laugh, you will cry and you will experience a miracle as long as your heart is open.

As someone who has suffered incredible pain in my life from so many sources, I definitely felt healing was the main purpose of this incredible movie.  On the way home, I stopped and bought the soundtrack and the book to read.  (Yes, I am nuts, but I’m okay with that.)

Sometimes when this life has dealt us too much pain to bear and we let it surround us and encompass us, we lose our hope.  We blame ourselves, we blame others and we blame God.  However, this movie introduces us to God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit and lets us see through their eyes.  Oh, the power of this movie is tremendous.

I spent time praying for another’s hurts while watching this movie.  I couldn’t NOT pray.  This movie has moved me beyond mere words.  To say it is powerful is an understatement.  Since seeing the previews, I have been drawn to this movie.  I am so grateful I went to see it.

I also had the pleasure of sharing the experience with two great women friends.  Each woman felt the same way.  Anastasia had previously read the book and mentioned that it was one of the few movies she’s seen that actually does the book justice.

My girlfriends and I enjoyed a wonderful Italian meal afterwards and great conversations as well.  I cannot imagine a better end to a great day than a movie and meal with friends.

My heart wants me to share the movie with the man whom God is preparing me for; but I don’t know how to broach the subject with him at present, so I am sure that God will reveal the way.

I love the Lord.  I rejoice in being saved by Jesus and I so hope that by sharing with others that they will come to know God through me.

 

ENT

So, went to the ENT yesterday and received the news that I have a 1/2 dollar sized cyst on my vocal cords.  Gave me an IV bag of antibiotics, a prescription and a return appointment.  Hopefully, this will get rid of it otherwise it will be surgery to remove it.  Not wanting that at all.

On a happy note, I found this great comic/cartoon that I have fallen in love with.  It’s Panda & Polar Bear.  Now, for those who do not know me all that well, I just love bears.  I especially love Polar Bears, so this was a great find.

http://www.pandaandpolarbear.com  is the website.  I’m in love.  I spent over an hour reading all of them.  Laughed my ass off.  So cute and funny.  Even saved a few and sent them to a friend.

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Just an example of one above.  LOL!

I can’t sleep.  My head is splitting apart right now.  My mind won’t shut off and I just thought I’d make a quick post. 😀

Hello

Here it is, 1:30 am and sleep alludes me once again.  I hate it when I can’t sleep.  My mind just won’t turn off.  I went to bed at 11 pm and got back up after laying there, wide awake for an hour and a half.  UGH!  I hate nights like this.

My stomach is also bothering me for some reason.  I hate it when I get nauseous.  It’s usually when my pain is out of control.  I’m tolerating my pain right now; but the sick feeling is overwhelming.

I took the kids to see “Split” on Saturday evening.  Great movie.  The acting was superb.  The actor  (James McAvoy) who played the lead did an excellent job of portraying someone with multiple personalities.  The actress (Anya Taylor-Joy) was a joy to watch.  I couldn’t get over how beautiful this young lady is.  She was quite impressive as well.  The story was good and we all really enjoyed the movie.  No spoilers!!!!  M. Night Shyamalan did another impressive movie.

I’ve finished two books, been jewelry making like a fiend and even broke out the paints tonight and prepped a canvas.  A little over 2 weeks to go until the craft show.  I’m getting nervous about doing it; but I keep telling myself it’s only a half a day.

In the words of Mr. W.  “You’ll either sell it all or nothing, what do you have to lose?” LOL!  So true.

I was rather disappointed in the way this one product worked for me.  It was the glue I had to use for about 15 pieces.  It didn’t dry the way it said it would after more than 36 hours, so I put it in the toaster oven.  UGH!  My son says they look good.  Hopefully others will think so, too!

I have prepped them for sale; but still need to figure out prices and how I’ll display them.  I’m thankful that I got an indoor table.  Only God knows what the weather will be like that day and if it’s too hot or too cold I’ll be miserable. LOL!

My son got me into listening to the band, “Postmodern Jukebox” which do Jazzy versions of modern songs from various artists.  Great singing and playing.  He is so into Jazz and I couldn’t be prouder of him and his playing.  I was listening to him play the other day and he has come so far in his playing.  His original instructor and I were talking today and he is very impressed with the direction the kid is going in.

He is still deciding if he will be going with his grandparents this summer.  I told him it was his decision.  We don’t know how much time the old farts have, so I’m leaving it up to him as to what he wants to do.  I’ll figure out what to do with myself this summer with or without him. 😀

I’m going to be putting my book into pdf format over the next week and will begin the editing process.  It’s more of a “novella” than a book, since it’s about 40,000 words and not 70,000 plus that a novel needs; but I am happy with it thus far.  We’ll see where it goes from there.

As far as the singing goes, I really have to wait until my voice/throat is fully healed.  I tried; but I lost my voice and I don’t want to completely lose the ability to speak, so I’m putting that endeavor on hold for now.  <sigh> I can’t help but be a bit disappointed; but I will get to it one day. 😀

Still awaiting God’s plan for my love life. Still seeing the signs that he is guiding me.  Patience.  I’m learning patience.  Praying a whole lot these days.  Not that I didn’t always do a lot of praying.  I seem to do a whole lot of talking to the Lord about everything and anything.  Hey, when you need expert advise, you go to the expert!

Starting 1 Corinthians at Bible Study this week.  Finally got finished with Job.  That was a tough one and I look forward to this next study, Paul’s love letter to the people of Corinth.  How wonderful.  I know I will get a lot out of this one.

I’m going to try and get some sleep.  Hopefully, this time, I’ll get to do so. 😀

 

Out of my comfort zone

I have a friend from childhood on FB who recently posted two videos with him singing on them.  He’s pretty good.  We were in choir together in HS and he had his own rock band back then that was pretty popular among our peers.  He also had a gal we knew from then sing back up vocals to his first song.  She was quite the singer back in the day, too.  Our music teacher commented on the post encouraging others to do the same.  Planted a seed in this crazy mind of mine. LOL!

I am seriously considering doing the same thing.  I love to sing.  I have a large vocal range and even put on a “One Woman” show back in 2005, which was met with acclaim.  I remember when I was stationed in Iwakuni and went to my first karaoke bar and was conned into singing a song with a friend.  I was so nervous; but I did it anyway.  I started singing and the entire bar went completely silent.  My two friends, who were with me, were slack jawed in awe.  It made me feel so good about my abilities.

I am not one who seeks out admiration from others.  I don’t like to be the center of attention; but I do just want to do what I love and if that makes others happy, then that’s great, too.  With that said, I am going to try it.  I’m going to sing some songs and then I’m going to post them on youtube and put it out there.  <shrug>  Who knows where it will go; but it will be me, raw and naked for the world to see.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have loved music.  It is timeless.  It is magical and it is beautiful.  It speaks to those who let it and resonates through the ages.  I cannot imagine my life without it.

Over the last several months, I’ve been pushing myself to do things I haven’t done in ages.  I am liking all these new experiences.  It is definitely pushing the envelope that is for sure.  I’d not do these types of things, at least not in a long time.  I’m finally off the back burner and have rejoined the human race.  Well, at least the creative side of it.  Ha, ha.

After school today, I sat here and listened to my son, who was playing his drums in the garage and I have to say I am very impressed with him.  I’ve watched him go from not being able to play at all to mastering the art.  What an impressive thing to have witnessed, the growth and development of a young musician.

Hopefully, I will be able to watch his talent develop into a wonderful life of music and a career he will blossom in.  ❤

I am who I am

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We all become who we are by the experiences we have had.  As for me, I wasn’t always what I am today.  So, when I was chatting with a friend a few nights ago about the past, it was funny that my past should pop up in an unusual way.

At one time, I was a practicing Dominatrix and very active in the BDSM community.  I had numerous submissive males and a following.  So, while chatting with my friend, he made comments and this lead to me being recommended to watch the movie “50 Shades of Grey”.  LOL.  I had to text my friend about the “joke” I felt this movie is.

First off, I do understand in order for it to have a “R” rating, they couldn’t do much more than they did.  However, it was a joke.  The man has serious issues and as far as I’m concerned, he’s more likely a sociopath than someone who needs to be dominating anyone.  He has real issues and they aren’t healthy.  The fact that he punished her in anger is another thing that oversteps the bounds of safety, even if he made sure she used a safe word.  Give me a break.

Secondly, he was thrilled to death to be her first lover and took delight in being the one to do it.  Then, he pushes himself into her life at every possible chance he gets, similar to a stalker and is hot and cold all over the place.  SMH.  Not a good thing at all and truly has sociopath written all over it.

I messaged my friend and told the truth.  The movie is soft porn at its best and so mild as I would have let my 17 year old watch it.  Yes, it has sex in it; but hardly enough or explicit enough to be vulgar.  Heck, I wouldn’t let my son watch the American Pie movies because of the content; but this is tamer than that.  I can’t understand how people went so crazy about this series.  To me, it was hardly worth the 2 hours I had to sit through it.  SMH.

Personally, what happens in the bedroom should stay private and in the bedroom.  I don’t kiss and tell and I expect the same from whomever I date.  If you’re too immature for that then we won’t last but one date.  As an adult, what me and my partner do is TMI for anyone else.

 

Happy New Year

So, it’s a new year and only 4 days until the kid goes back to school.  I’ve kept the kids busy.  We went to Russell Stover’s and Museum of Science yesterday.  It was a nice day for us and they seemed to really enjoy the museum a lot.

New Year’s Eve was spent going out to eat at Rib City, followed by church service.  We watched “God’s Not Dead 2”.  Great movie.  Cried, of course.  Makes you think, that’s for sure and the movie left an out for a third movie.

Took the kids to see the movie Sing, which I really enjoyed.  I wasn’t sure that I would; but I really did.  Cute movie.  Will probably buy it.

I’m deciding whether to sign up for a craft show on February 11th.  I’ve gotten busy making stuff for the day and went shopping for some supplies today that were on sale as well.  I’m going to be busy, that’s for sure.  😀   I’m hoping the craft show gets well promoted.  It’s being held at ICHS, so hopefully they do a good job of it.  Just wanting some advice about if I should go for it or not.

Things have been slow and easy here at the house.  I am taking down the tree tomorrow.  It’s been up long enough.  I can’t believe that Valentine’s Day stuff is already out.  Stores seem to push the holidays on us nearly as soon as the last one is finished.

Book work is coming along well.  Over 30,000 words completed.  The car is going in for it’s first scheduled maintenance check next week.  I finally hit over 4,000 miles this week.  Ha, ha.  Only took me 6 months. 😀

Mom turns 70 tomorrow.  Can’t believe it.  She certainly doesn’t act like it.  She’s just told me a few weeks ago that she wants to take my son and nephew on vacation this summer across country.  This, of course, is after I told her I was taking my son up north to visit with his siblings and to visit several friends.  I am not happy; but even if my son goes with them, I believe I will still go north to visit.  I can’t believe that she knowingly made these plans.  Same shit, different day, I guess.  I haven’t said anything to her; because there truly is no point.  SMH.

Well, I’m off to get busy making stuff.  HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Christmas Celebrations

We started off our Christmas with church service last night at 6 pm.  Our Pastor read Luke 2:12-20 about the shepherds, who were the first to hear the good news of the birth of our Savior.  He reminded us of how the shepherds of the day were the lowest class of citizens in that time and how it is strange that God would tell the “least” instead of the “best” of the day.  I believe he did this; because he loves us all equally and does not judge us by class.  Whatever the reasoning, it is God who made it and one we will never truly know why.

After coming home, we opened our stockings.  My son got me a miniature “Newt Scamander” from Fantastic Beasts Pop figure.  So love it!  I got him 2 tie clips and two boxes of candy.

At midnight, he insisted on us opening our gifts and handed me mine.  It was a Retron 2 system for NES/SNES games.  My original SNES game, which I received for Christmas in 1995, died a week and a half ago and this was the PERFECT replacement gift.  He’s a great kid.

I, of course, got him several ties, along with new drum heads, a new kick pedal and a cymbal.  He was thrilled with his haul.  Two of his ties were music themed, which he loved and I was happy he loved his things.  I don’t mind getting him things he needs when I can.

For dinner, I made London Broil on the grill, mashed potatoes, sweet potato, green beans and gravy.  Oh and I had some shrimp on the side.  He ate more than half the meat on his own.  No fear he’ll be a vegetarian. Ha, ha.

A great Christmas miracle came when the Steelers won against the Ravens.  I screamed, I yelled, I acted like a lunatic and they pulled it off in the last minute and a half.  WTG Pittsburgh.  My son thinks I am insane and laughed at me several times when I was screaming at the TV.  Hey, I’ve been like this since my USMC days when I first became a fan of theirs. LOL!

I sent several texts to my mother wondering what she was up to but received no response until a few minutes ago.  Merry Christmas received, “Sorry, I was busy.”  I have to stop expecting so much more than I ever receive. <sigh>

Watching the Librarians on TNT now and wondering how I’ll be spending the next two weeks with the kid off from school.

I hope everyone had an enjoyable day, either celebrating Christmas or Chanukah.