Sons & Daughters

Have you ever read a book, listened to a speaker or got to know someone and were blown away by them?  Back in December, shortly before Christmas, I was on YouTube and watched a video.  It was a “Sid Roth:  It’s Supernatural” episode featuring a man named John Bevere.

I watched a 30 minute video in which Mr. Roth interviewed John Bevere about the Holy Spirit.  It was a great video and as I had recently finished the book, “Forgotten God” by Francis Chan, I was very interested.  I searched John’s name and came upon his  website: Messenger International. At this site, I found a few books that caught my interest and ordered 3 of them.

John’s book, “The Holy Spirit” was one of them.  What a great book.  I devoured it and filled a notebook with notes.  I also ordered “Girls With Swords” by his wife, Lisa Bevere.  As I began reading the book, I looked her up on YouTube.  I cannot tell you how many of her videos I have watched.  This dynamic woman and her husband are wonderful people.  What an incredible couple in ministry to our Lord. WOW!

But it gets better!!!  They have four adult sons who work in the ministry field as well.  They are Addison, Austin, Alec and Arden.  They have a new site ministry they have recently debuted that is as powerful as their parents.  Sons & Daughters ministers to those in their twenties to forties (IMO) but even though I am approaching 50 this year, I found it to be just as helpful to me as well.  I’m following them in Instagram as well.  (Though my son’s friends laugh; because almost all of those I follow are Pomeranians.)  LOL!

Yesterday’s video was by their son, Austin, about depression.  It really hit home as I have suffered PTSD and depression for over 25 years.  It is so helpful to know that others who are Christians, also suffer.  It’s also great to know that our Heavenly Father loves us so much that He will help us in our time of need.  Austin shared encouraging scripture, his own journey and offered encouragement for those who also suffer.

I have to say that this family has so impacted my life over the last few months and I believe that God put them in my life for a reason.  He wants me to grow in faith and has shown me a family who’s faith is empowering to those who get to know them.

Shortly before Christmas, I found out that the plan God had for me was no where near possible at this time.  I was devastated.  I wanted to crawl into a ball and die.  I was angry and upset.  I railed at God for the deception.  Then, as days went by, I humbled myself to Him and begged forgiveness.  Since that time, I have been in the word.

I know He will not forsake me.  I know He loves me.  Scripture tells me that He will provide for all my needs.  I can no more turn my back on Him than I could voluntarily stop breathing.  I love Him.  I know that whatever He has planned for my life will be far better than anything I could ever imagine.

So, for today, I will continue to walk in faith.  And if you are in need of a spiritual lift, I highly recommend their ministries to you all.

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Sunday Musings

Once again, I’m suffering from double ear infections.  UGH!  Every time I get one, I think back to the pediatrician who told my mother that my ear pain was psychosomatic and all I wanted was attention at the age of 13 and how she took it as gospel.  This is the same doctor who told my mother that my sister, at the age of 8, was insecure because she still slept with a teddy bear and that her stomach pains (which was a blocked intestine) was all in her head.  After hearing this, my mother took her x-rays and medical records to the ER in another county and was diagnosed immediately with the blockage and was told they caught it in time before it killed her. So, her believing this quack was an insult.  Because of it, I never complained again and kept my pain to myself.  It wasn’t worth the fight.

Anyway, I’m forever suffering from them.  When my son was a baby, I discussed it with his pediatrician, who told me that I shouldn’t have them either.  UGH!  Not everyone is the same.  It’s why I think I’ve had Lupus a lot longer than  when my diagnosis came in 2007.  It would explain a lot of other ailments over the years.

I’ve binge watched several shows on Netflix.  Just watched “6 Souls”, “The Five” and “The Fall” over the four days.  They were a little intense.   I’m a police show junky.

I’m worried about my son.  College, leaving home, etc.  He’s 18; but very naïve.  I’ve been letting him drive home from school daily.  I wanted to get him lessons; but at $70 an hour, I just can’t afford it.  So, we’re on our way to doing it slowly.  I just hope his confidence grows; because at present, he’s still very nervous.

I’m needing a new place to live.  I know that when the child support runs out, I’ll not be able to afford this place anymore.  A friend shared a link to some cute cottages; but at present, they’re not even built. They are going to be built in an area that I would not move to due to the high crime rate also, so Nope!  Since it’s “Snow Bird” season, rentals are not easy to find, so I’ll have to start looking during the March/April time period.

I’ve begun working the AV at church and still have my nose in the bible by doing a bible study of Philippians and reading the book, “Girls With Swords” by Lisa Bevere.  I’m hoping that God will reveal where He wants me to go and how He is going to get me there.  I’m feeling a bit lost right now and I just have to keep taking baby steps in hopes that it is the right direction.

I am so broken these days.  I can only hope to recover.  Hurt and heartache are no stranger to me.  I just feel like I’m drowning in it all the time.

Between heartache and illness, I’m just so tired of being sick and tired.

13 Reasons Why: Part 2

So, I have just spent the last 3 days watching the Netflix Series, “13 Reasons Why” based on the book by Jay Asher.  My original post can be found here.  Again, I warn you — “SPOILER ALERT!”

Based on the novel, it is a bit different in that it adds details that were not part of the book, such as the way those involved now interacted once each one received the tapes for listening.  It also involves a lawsuit involving Hannah Baker’s parents, in which they are suing the school because she was bullied.

It all starts with Clay Jenson, the 11th tape, who receives the 13 sides (7 tapes) in which Hannah Baker tells what has led her to take her own life.   In this version, Clay gets all kinds of grief from the others involved; because the young man has a conscience and a good moral code and standard.  After each tape, he confronts the antagonist with their part and causes them to all begin to question their roles in the end of this young woman’s life.

Let me tell you something.  It is not fun to be bullied.  It is not fun to be teased for being different and it’s not fun to be beaten up or raped.  Your actions have consequences.  What you do, you are accountable for and responsible for the fall out.  Life does not give you an easy way out when you have wronged another.  You may not see it right away; but eventually, it comes around.

Young men have to be crystal clear on getting a YES before having sex, because rape is a horrible thing.  Of course, a man can also be raped and the same rule applies.

The ripple effect.  When one action leads to another, bringing on another, etc. resulting in an end action that could have been prevented or maybe having a lasting effect on another.  You see, we’re all ripples and we effect the lives of all of those around us.  I have a bad day.  I run into someone and lose my temper with them, causing them to have their own ruined day and the effect moves ever onward.  OR  Someone having a bad day, runs into me and I decide to NOT allow it to ruin my day.  It can go either way.

Eg. Several years ago, my neighbor’s son parked his car on the street, and while I was backing out of the driveway, I hit the door and dented it.  I immediately contacted the neighbor of the incident.  He was upset; but understood, accidents happen. His son parked it illegally and there wasn’t enough room for me to back up; but I was still in the wrong and admitted it.  The police came and we were both faulted for the incident.  However, my neighbor’s wife was another story.  She came out, ranting and raving about it, calling me names, making me more upset about making an error in judgment.

Anyway, I digress.  The 13 episodes, based on the book, sent a powerful message and I would recommend it, if you read the books or not.  It’s a powerful story; but it makes a person think and consider their actions.  I hope that those who watch it, know that they have other options in this life.  Suicide is not an option.

Teens, especially, are vulnerable.  Hormones, emotions gone wild, not understanding or knowing how to talk about what is going on, fear, embarrassment, a multitude of reasons we adults can’t remember feeling “way back then” will assault a young mind into believing that they are unworthy, too far gone, afraid, whatever!!!  The worst thing, is being lost and alone.

BUT, You Are NOT ALONE!!!  Someone loves you. Mom, dad, best friend, cousin, aunt, uncle, etc.  Someone out there loves you.  Just reach out.  Someone will take your hand and if, for some reason, you feel you can’t, call a hotline.  There IS help out there.

http://13reasonswhy.info  has resources to assist you!

Don’t give up!  YOU MATTER!!!

Addendum:  I’ve just read several articles from parents who are totally opposed to this movie and it’s book.   Reason?  It deals with a dead girl, who killed herself and that is NOT the way to deal with this subject and teens.  Or they say that it glamourizes suicide.  WOW!!! Really?

Okay, so several year ago, a teen in our town killed herself for the same reasons given in the book.   I know kids who were friends with this girl.  Kids that were upset, knew she was bullied and did nothing to help her.  The fall out from that suicide was horrible.  What did they do?  Counselors were available for those in need; but for the most part, it was a non-issue for the school district.  Oh and an anti-bully rally was had, with miserable attendance so as to have no real effect.

With that being said, I have to wonder what is the right approach to this subject?  We discuss the issue in school.  Most kids think it’s a joke.  They make fun of those who are on their films, posters and the stories when they leave the auditorium  I’ve seen it.  I’ve heard it.  What will it take to get through to teens?  I don’t have the right answers; but I do know that sometimes it takes a book and series like this one to wake people up.

I don’t have the answers.  What I do have is a desire to save the next person who wants to do so. Sometimes it is no ones fault.  Sometimes the fault lies with persons who a no longer in the picture.

I also know that the guilt of the survivors is hard.  When my friend tried to kill himself several years ago, he was suffering from the horrors of childhood, which he’d never fully dealt with and a 20 year marriage that went down the tubes, the still births of two daughters  and his 2 lives sons telling him to screw off.  That’s a lot of baggage for someone.  He attempted, I called the police and ambulance and then I was left with the repercussions.  In his mind, he was the victim and I had no reason to feel anything.  I did, though.  I suffered.

No matter the reasons, the hurt is long lasting.  We need to face this issue head on.  It happens.  It hurts all involved.  We need to wake up and IMO, this series/book does not glamorize suicide, it shows the fall out and how it leaves the people behind feeling.  We have to stop sheltering our kids; because we’re raising generations of people who are weaker and less able to handle everyday stress, let alone major crisis.

Wake up!

 

Movies, Madness & Mayhem

So happy that it’s fast approaching the new year.  I can only hope that life will keep getting better and better.

Went to see “Greatest Showman” last night with my son and a few of his friends.  Loved it, even though it is not even close to being a biographical story on P.T. Barnum’s life, it was, however; a great movie.  The music, singing and dancing were excellent.  I’d go see it a 2nd time for sure.  From beautiful clothes and scenery to the great acting, it was a beautiful movie.  It definitely was inspirational in that it encourages us to chase our dreams, no matter what anyone else thinks or feels.

As for the Lord and me, we’ve been trying to communicate to no avail.  I’ve been praying, asking and seeking; but I’m getting confusing replies and I’m sure that it will become clearer to me as time goes on; but at present, I’m hitting a few walls.  I’ve had two dreams on point, though they confused me greatly, I’ve received several picture clues as well; but I think I’m blocking them.  I’ve received several “MY plan, MY will, MY way” scriptures and I’m just hoping that I’ll figure it all out in time.  I think my upset from last week has me shut down on some levels and I have to let that go and continue on.  My heart is hurting; but I will carry on with the faith walk.

As for they mayhem, well, the dog is driving me nuts.  His bladder control problems are wrecking havoc all over the house and I just want to scream.  I know it’s not his fault; but it is messy and driving me nuts just the same.  I mop the floors daily.  As soon as I finish, I’m positive he waits until just then and he does it again.  UGH!

I’ve just finished John Bevere’s book, “Holy Spirit”.  Awesome book.  Loved it.  Can’t wait to start my next one, “Girls with a Sword” by his wife, Lisa Bevere.  I’ve listened to both of them speak on YouTube and am very impressed with their teachings on God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.  I’m trying to grow closer to God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit in my faith walk.  I can only hope to get to the level these two people have reached.

I am currently sharing the job of Audio-Visual duties with another at my church.  Since we no longer have any children for “Kids Church”  I’m not teaching.  We have only 3 youth, who go to AWANA at another church on Wednesday night, so I don’t have duties for them, so I’ve been at a loss.  My dear friend has been doing the AV for years and I had the opportunity to do it for her a few weeks ago since she was unavailable.  Well, I so enjoyed it, I told her I’d love to join her in this duty.  She was overjoyed and I now feel I have renewed purpose in my church life.  So, we’re switching out weeks as needed.  When I have Indoor Drumline duty the end of January and twice in March, she’ll take it and other than that, we’ll have every other week.

I love to serve.  I like to feel useful and I know that this will be the best thing for me after the boy goes off to college.  YEAH!

Can’t wait to see what 2018 has in store for us all!

Grinchmas Party!!!!

Today was my son’s “Grinchmas” Party with his friends here at the house.  Since it was a half day, I picked them up after school and made lunch.

For lunch, I made a spiral ham, mac and cheese, green bean casserole along with spinach-artichoke dip, veggie dip, lentil hummus and various desserts. The kids loved it and they had a great time.  Gifts were exchanged, watched the Grinch movie and laughed their butts off.

One young man, who we’d be trying to figure out what to get him, was very hard to purchase for, so I made him a bunch of “gag” gifts, which we gave  to him first and then his actual gift.

The gag gifts:  A belly button lint cleaner (a pipe cleaner I’d bent to look like a toilet brush 1″ long.  A redneck raincoat (black trash bag), air guitar strings (empty plastic bag), a money clip (paper clip with a penny glued to it), two #2 pencils (with brown, spiraled pipe cleaners on top like the poo emoji), a pet cloud (5 cotton balls glued together with eyes), a natural blow dryer (balloon) and a little bag of pot (plastic pot from a kids kitchen set).  He LOVED it.  Such a great kid and a super fun time he had.  Plus, he loved the other gifts we got him as well.

I am so blessed to have such wonderful young men and women in my life.  They certainly made for a great afternoon.

Yesterday, I was freaking out.  My USMC ring broke.  It’s made with both yellow and white gold and the white gold “eagle, globe & anchor”, which was attached through the middle of the gold ring, broke off.  I had no idea where it was.  I searched for hours.  Drove me nuts!  Couldn’t find it at all.  Tore apart the garbage, looked in the disposal, under the bed, in the sink drain, etc.

I climbed into be last night and there it was, laying under the pillow.  So grateful for finding it!!  Took it to the jeweler today and it will be ready tomorrow.  YEAH!  I’ve had it since 2009 and I felt devastated when I thought it was lost.  Now, I’m celebrating that it can be fixed!!!!  They no longer make it, so I’d have been so distraught over it’s loss.  😦

There are not a lot of things that I have that would make me sad; but not having my ring would be one of them.   It’s a sentimental thing and not a material thing.  Back in 1994, I’d had everything from my child hood to that present day stolen from a storage unit in KY.  I was upset; but the things that were missing that hurt me most were the pictures in my photo albums.  To this day, I’d give anything for them to be returned.  I don’t put much value on material possessions.  Even though I had about $20,000 worth of stuff stolen, collector items that were valuable, it was the pictures and journals.  Oh well.  Can’t get them back.

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!!

 

Why This Heart?

As I was preparing dinner tonight, I stopped watching my DVR recordings and let the television play in the background.  A movie was playing and it reminds me why I hate romantic movies.  I get sucked in and the next thing I know, I’m crying over two stupid characters that I will never know; because they’re the product of someone’s imagination.

So, I cry out to the Lord and ask him “Why this heart?”  Why do I have so much empathy for others?  Why does this heart have to care so deeply?  Why am I so sympathetic?  Why do I have to be so soft?  Anyone who I come in contact with, no matter what they are feeling, I can feel it so deeply.  If you start to cry near me, I’ll start to cry, too.

Last night, the boy who was baptized at my church the same day as my son, was with us in the car.  He and my son go to school together as well.  He tells me that all the band loves me.  I asked him why and he said because I love them and always have great things to say to them.  I’m always positive and their best cheerleader.  WOW!

They had their winter concert on Thursday and I can’t even tell you how many hugs I got from them.  I could hardly believe how much love I got from them; but I so love them as well and maybe that’s why God gave me this heart.

Sometimes this heart of mine is a curse and sometimes it’s a gift.  When I need to keep it together, and it betrays me, it is a curse.  When it comes to those who need it, it’s my greatest gift.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been like this.  My heart has always been bigger than I like.  I love with a love that destroys me each time someone hurts it.  Whether it is friends, loved ones or strangers, when I’m hurt by another, I am destroyed.  I need to go into hiding and lick my wounds.  I guess that’s why my ex husband nearly killed me when I found out he was cheating on me nearly my whole marriage.  It’s why my best friend’s death was so hard on me.

It’s why this last year has been so hard on me.  I’ve been kicking my own ass, fighting with God, betraying myself and hurting myself with doubt over God’s plan for my life. I’ve cried, screamed, beat myself up, etc.  I’m my own worst enemy at times and yet, I know this is why the Lord is giving me this plan.  He is allowing me to unite with a man who is so worthy of my love and who will love me the same way in return.

So this heart, this heart so full of love, empathy, care and hurt, it’s the only heart I could possibly have.

Giving Gratefully

My daily devotional was about giving with a loving heart.  It never occurred to me that you would give with anything less; but after reading the entire thing, I can see that some would feel less than happy to give.

Me?  I’m a happy, loving giver.  I see something that I know someone will like and I get it and give it, so that I can see their joy that I was thinking of them.  Some people feel they have to give out of obligation.  Not me.  If I don’t have it in me to give a gift, I don’t.  Though, I am mostly a giver, no matter the circumstances.

For example:  I’m preparing for a “Grinchmas” Party on the 22nd.  It’s the last day of school before break and a half day.  Since it’s a half day, I’m making lunch for about 7 kids and I’ve shopped to find the perfect gift for each of them.  I’m decorating the house “Grinchy” and have not only planned the meal; but games and a movie.  The kids are looking forward to it.

The gifts were carefully researched with their likes in mind and I have to say, I do not believe anyone will be disappointed.  At least I hope not. 😀

I’ve always believed it was better to give than receive and have loved finding and giving the perfect gift for those I love.  As a matter of fact, I’ve made and given gifts to at least one person each month of this year.  I began the year with what I called “The Year of RAK”.  I painted, made jewelry or crocheted items for just about everyone on my Facebook friends list.  I made two large blankets and several baby blankets.  I’ve also crocheted three blankets for charity.  I love giving.

BTW, RAK is “random acts of kindness” and were gifts I gave anonymously to friends with a note that said to pay it forward.  It was the best year ever!!!!  I loved seeing them post their joy at a surprise gift from a “stranger” as they said Thank you to “whoever” sent it.  I did it locally and distance.  I’ve enjoyed every little bit of it.  I absolutely loved the satisfaction of giving to them and making them smile.  I even had two friends say it was a blessing to receive on a not so nice kind of day.  😀

I, personally, feel that giving a gift is not an obligation; but a privilege to show someone how much you think of them.  If I don’t think enough of the person to give them a gift, I don’t.  It’s that simple.  If it feels like an obligation, I skip it.  I want to be a joyful giver.  I want my gift to mean something to them and me.

So, remember this holiday season, that it is love in the giving or it’s an impersonal token of obligation. 😦  Hopefully, joyful giving is the win!

Faith it ’til you make it

It’s been over a year now since God gave me a vision of my future.  It’s been a long, hard year for me.  BUT, I persist.  So many times I’ve struggled and wanted to quit and so many times, I’ve come back in faith that what He showed me is meant to be.

Faith in God is not easy.  It is a balancing act on a tight rope, strung between two trees over a canyon.  I’d be lying if I said otherwise.  I believe wholeheartedly in my Lord and Savior that this vision will come to pass.  And yet…….

I struggle!  Yup.  The enemy will whisper in my ear that I’m not good enough.  He starts that whole, “Did God REALLY give you that vision or were you daydreaming?”  Slowly, doubt creeps in and I have a meltdown of godly proportions.

However, the enemy fails, EVERY TIME!   That he does.  You see, when I’m in doubt, I pray!  I pray long and hard.  I pray out my heartache.  I pray for my brokenhearted desire to know that what God has told me is true.  I ask for proof.  I ask for a sign.  I ask when.  I ask how.  I ask where.  And HE answers me!!!  EVERY TIME!!!

I got to asking so many times if God was sure it was going to be this particular person in my life that everywhere I turned, his name was there.  I spent a month seeing this man’s name everywhere I read, saw, watched, and heard.  I couldn’t not see his name.  Multiple times a day, when I least expected it.  As a matter of fact, God stuck me between two boys on a school band competition trip that had this man’s name and I interacted with them all day long.  LOL!

I asked how.  God sent me a dream that showed me “how”.  I stumble in my walk and He lifts me up, dusts me off, and sets me right back on the path again.  I prayed a prayer for His will and I received instruction the next day, along with my intendeds name.  God is good!!!

At present, I’m working on getting closer to the Holy Spirit.  He dwells within me, so I need to be more attentive to His needs and desires.  I need to hear His voice clearer so that I do not grieve Him in anyway.  I want to be a better me so that He is glorified by me.

I know that without God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, I’d have nothing.  I’d be nothing.  I can’t live without them.  I can’t.  Great is the one living inside of me than he who is living in the world.  1 John 4:4

My Savior thinks I’m to die for, so how can I be less than that for Him?

I recently took a “Gifts of the Spirit” test on Lifeway.  The test is designed to tell you what gifts you have received from the Spirit.  My gifts are Faith, Mercy and Giving.  Faith and Mercy scored equally on the test, followed by Giving just two points lower.  None of the other gifts scored as high.  When I read what each one is all about, I see this as how I’ve lived my life.  It makes sense and I only regret not knowing all of this sooner.

When I think of the time I put God on the shelf and lived for me, I see so much waste and loss.  And yet, God did bless me during this time as well and I couldn’t see it for the blinders I was wearing.

I recently spoke with my intended on Messenger.  By the end of our conversation, he told me I was special to him otherwise he’d never have looked for and found me.  He considers me a dear friend.  I am so touched by his words.  He also told me that he has improved in his overall well being and is getting closer to being wiser from his journey and in a better state of mind as he was before he was “broken”.

Ah, brokenness.  How we that suffer PTSD know that word well.  I must say, we never truly become unbroken, we just learn to live with it in a better way.  I’m so happy for him.  His journey has been long and hard, as I know mine has been; but what we are now is such a different individual that I believe we had to go through the storm in order to be stronger, wiser and more understanding.

I look forward to where this journey is taking me and how beautiful it will be. ❤

Long Week

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What a week this has been.  My son had rehearsals 3 out of 5 days and performances on two nights.  He played drums for the Choir concert on Tuesday evening and then had a Jazz performance on Thursday evening.  We no sooner ended Marching season and have now begun Indoor Drumline, which doesn’t end until April.

The Jazz performance was great.  His director singled him out and told about the song they were playing, “Drumming Man” which featured my son on the drums throughout.  Great piece and he did an incredible job.  He’s also stepped up and is subbing for our drummer at church, who had a stroke 3 weeks ago and is in rehab.  So proud of my boy. ❤

I went to the doctor on Friday due to this prolonged crap from Irma stirring up all kinds of garbage.  Gave me a more powerful antibiotic, two shots, singular and nasal spray.  Doctor told me I was full of fluid in my ears and my sinuses are swollen.  UGH!  So sick of this crap. 😦

My son and I went to see “Wonder” on Friday evening and it was pretty good.  He had read the book a while ago and was curious to see how good the movie was going to be.  He is now on my sh*t list.  He broke the cardinal law of taking me to the movies.  THE DOG DOES NOT DIE!  Anything can happen.  People can die, just don’t kill the dog.  Simple rule.  You’d think my kid would know better?  Nope.  Dog dies.  I lose it and he says, “Oops, Mom, I forgot.”  He’s grounded for the next few years!!!!!

After church last evening, we stopped at CVS.  We were in the Christmas aisle and I was playing with the musical animals.  One was doing a rocking rendition of Sleigh Bells and I was dancing.  Little did I know I was also being videoed and sent to my sons snap chat for all his friends to see.   Brat!  Though he got a lot of great responses to it like:  That is so your mom.  Aw, sweet!  She’s so much fun.   I’m not too upset, just caught off guard that he would do something like this.  SMH Gotta watch myself in public around this one.

We just got Netflix.  We’ve both binge watched “Stranger Things” and “Mindhunters”.  We like them both.  Not sure what the next thing will be.  We LOVE the new ABC show “The Good Doctor”.  He’s a big Freddie Highmore fan from “Charlie & the Chocolate Factory” and “Spiderwick Chronicles”.  He didn’t really care for “Bates Motel”, though.

I can only imagine what this current week will bring our way.

 

Suicide is not an option……

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I know I’ve mentioned it before; but in case you didn’t remember, I’ve escaped death 7 times.  Yup, that’s right.  Faced it, died, & survived.  God was not finished with me yet.  I still have work to do on this planet and despite living in immense amounts of pain, I still have a purpose.

It’s hard being me.  With a million and one reasons to die, I still live.  Take the Trigeminal Neuralgia.  It’s nickname is “The Suicide Disease” because it is listed as the most painful disease in the world.  This year marks my 25 year as a sufferer for 24/7 365 days of torment. That is more than 1/2 of my life.  It sucks.  A neurologist once commented on how surprised he was that I was still alive; because so many don’t last as long as I have with the severity that I suffer with it.

However, trying to end it all is not an option.  Even though I have been hurt by those who love me, I just can’t do the same to them.  Plus, I love my son too much to leave him with that kind of legacy.  Heck, shortly after being discharged for the TN, a friend of my sister’s killed himself.  This led to a discussion between my other sister and father about the subject.  My father said he’d never forgive the person who did it and my sister told him that the only one she would forgive is me.  She just couldn’t imagine living my life.  This knocked me for a loop.  They had no idea I had tried a year earlier and lived.  They had no idea that upon waking that I figured out that God had another purpose for me and ending my life was not one of them, this being his second time for saving me from death.

I remember when my friend tried and I called an ambulance for him.  I remember how much it hurt me that he tried to give up on his life.  He suffered terribly with PTSD and drank and overate and the list goes on.  His health deteriorated and he passed a year ago.  His attempt hit me hard.  He told me to “get over it”; because it had nothing to do with me.  I was not permitted to feel anything over this situation.  I was not permitted to do anything; but suffer silently.

That’s the thing.  When facing suicide, the person contemplating it doesn’t see anyone but themselves.   Some use it as a cry for help.  Some truly want to die.  Some want pity.  Some need attention.  Some succeed.  And some destroy those around them by leaving behind so many unanswered questions, guilt, heartbreak, nightmares, and more.

Suicide is more than taking a life.  It is destroying those who love and care for you.  There is nothing so bad in this life that dying is the only answer!!!!  You will have your heart torn out of your chest, stomped on and left in the dirt by someone you love.  Time will heal your heart and God will fill in the gaps.  You will get fired.  You will lose a loved one.  You will crash your car, be homeless, have no money, or a million other tragedies and you can survive!

Several years ago, I came across a link to an article bearing a familiar name.  It was about a young Marine who was over in the Gulf and lost both legs.  On the page was a photo of the young man as a boy with his two sisters.  I took that picture.  It was one Thanksgiving over in Japan.  The beautiful, smiling face stared back at me and the memories of my time overseas, with this family, flashed before me.  I held that boy in my arms and read to him.  I baby sat him.  I worked with his dad.

As I read the article, I found out about what his community was doing for him as a disabled veteran.  His mother recalled how this young man was such a happy go lucky person and that despite this “setback” he was still that same guy.  The once 6′ 3″ man was now closer to half that tall, uses a wheelchair most of the time, is an encouragement to those he knows and to those he doesn’t.  What to some is a horrible disability, to him is a life.  He even visits other veterans and offers encouragement to them in their own situations.  I’m so impressed with this young man and even contacted him.

Suicide was NOT an option.  His wife and child believe this as well.

You will face tragedy, that is a sure thing.  You can and will survive.  So many times, I’ve reached out to God in conversation about the life I have led and why I had to go through so much heartache.  Though He gives no answers, I am comforted by the fact that He loves me so much that he won’t even allow me to die.  I am that important.

I have been hated by my parents and sisters.  I have been molested by a sick uncle.  I was forcibly raped and brutalized.  I was beaten and abused.  I have been cheated on by a man who “vowed” to love me forever.  He nearly killed me.  I have been lied to, ignored, verbally abused, and I am still here.  I have stared evil in the face and I am still here.  I have sacrificed my needs and wants to care for others who would never do the same for me.  I have saved lives and I have held the hands of those who slipped away from this life.  I have lived in hell and yet, I am still HERE!

After my failed attempt, I accepted that God has an important job for me here.  So, I thrived and survived all this world has thrown at me.  I have risen up out of the ashes of my past in order to show the world what triumph is.  I kneel at the foot of my Father’s throne and arise, wearing the full armor of the Lord so that I may battle the forces of evil.  I am a warrior!  I am the phoenix!  I am the SURVIVOR!!!

Suicide is NOT an option!