It’s been a hell of a year. I am so glad that next week is a new year. I’m so over this one already. With that said, MERRY CHRISTMAS to all who follow and read this blog. TY for taking the time to do so.
My son asked me if we can do stockings after church tomorrow night and presents on Christmas morning. Sure, why not? I’m really looking forward to church tomorrow night. I’ve been so absorbed in our Pastor’s services this month. He’s brought even greater meaning to the events of long ago and tomorrow will be the climax of the season.
Our Women’s Bible Study is on break until January 11th, so I am doing one on my own called “Anchored”. It’s about women who have lost babies and how to deal. I lost my two angels 23 and 21 years ago. I put the grief on the back burner for various reasons and never fully grieved their losses. Last January, when my 2nd would have turned 21 it hit me hard. WOW! When I discussed it with my friend, she told me that God protects us from the pain until we are strong enough to handle it and I guess it was finally time to deal with it.
Why it took so long, I’ll never know, however, with PTSD, things come back even years after the initial trauma, so I’m going to attribute it to this in my life.
My first baby was a shock. Didn’t even know I was pregnant. I found out and lost it in the same day. My coworker and friend took me to the base clinic where I was transported by ambulance to the Naval Hospital for emergency surgery. It was a tubal pregnancy and due to the blockage of endometrium, had no where to go; but expand the tube until it burst. Not pleasant and extremely painful. I guess it was a blessing in disguise; because the father, the only guy I had slept with in months, had disappeared and I later found out he was sent to a squadron and deployed. Two weeks later, I had surgery on my jaw and my life ruined, so it was all part of the plan. Ha, ha.
My second lasted for 10 weeks before my fallopian tube burst and I needed a D&C and exploratory surgery to find the fetus in my abdomen. It was also a time I needed to “suck it up” because I had to comfort my mother who lost her son 28 years previous. I can now grieve my loss without worry that I need to take care of her.
Anyway, the study has me really exploring my feelings and my gratitude to God for protecting me from the hurt for so long. My two angels will meet me in heaven, of that, I have no doubt. I sometimes daydream about what it would be like to have them here with me; but that was never meant to be.
I also wonder if I would have contacted the man who fathered my first. Would I have done it all on my own, without ever telling him? I don’t know. This life is so strange and I’d never want to trap a man that way. It was not his fault. I was not supposed to be able to get pregnant. The fact that both were tubal just shows that the sperm was small enough to get through the blockage; but a fertilized egg could not. Hell, when my son was born in 1999, the doctor told me after ,the C-section, that he was surprised that I became pregnant with all the shit blocking my insides. The fact that I nearly died delivering the boy is another miracle of God’s that I am still here.
When I count my blessings, I count him twice. My son is my miracle. I’m so proud of the young man he has become. I love him so very much and I can’t imagine my life without him and I wouldn’t want to, either.
The weather here, though it is warm still, has been miserable. It’s messing with my body in a painful way. I also have a sinus infection and couldn’t get into the doctor today, so I’m going to be suffering for the next few days until I can get into see him.
My heart longs for things that God is making me wait for. 😦 Elvis is singing “Blue Christmas” to me and I know that it is not by accident. I keep getting signs from God that what I desire is possible; but I don’t want clues, I want the promise. LOL! He is definitely teaching me patience.
My book is still coming along nicely. I’m please with the results thus far. Whether it is supposed to be a hit or not, does not matter. What matters is that I put it down on paper and get it out of my head.
OH!! I went to the comic book store and got the newest BW comics. I’m thrilled. They ordered the ones that they didn’t have and I should have them in a couple of weeks. YEAH! Thrilled. Gosh, I’m so geeky. LOL! Can’t run away from who I am, I guess.
My son and I have the next two weeks to spend together. He wants me to take him up to the Russell Stover’s store and I guess we’ll do it one day next week. I don’t look forward to the drive; but we’ll make it an adventure and have some fun on the way there and back.
My baby sister is spending the week with my parents. She’s in from NY and we may have lunch with them on Monday. We’ll see. After a year of “low battery” message on my remote, they finally died today. Ha, ha. Talk about eking out every drop of energy from them. 😛
I’m wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year and many blessing from God your way.