Last week of school!

So happy this is the last week of school.  My son is doing great.  Honor Roll student for the last 3 years and I couldn’t be prouder.  This weekend, the Juniors decorated crowns to wear today for school as the incoming Seniors for 2017-18.  I had three kids here doing it and they came out great.  Each one reflected the person greatly.  Such fun for them.

This has to be a Southern thing; because I’d never heard of it growing up.  It’s cute and they had a blast today.  They’re all looking forward to summer break.  I am, too!  For the first time in over 20 years, I’m going to see a friend.  I so can’t wait.  We’ll be leaving home on the 3rd and spending a couple of weeks up  north.

The drive will be horrible, I’m sure; but we’ll get there. 😀 It’s 17 hours; but I can do it.   Just take lots of breaks and take our time.  Two days should get us there.  He’s as excited to see me as I am to see him.  I’ll be staying with him & his wife and his daughter lives close by.  It’s going to be awesome.  Already have my dog sitter locked on and she comes to stay here while we’re gone.

I’m so hoping and praying that the trip will be great and that I will not feel crappy while I am gone.  Hopefully God will take care of me while I am traveling. 😀

I’ve been doing a lot of journaling, bible study and praying.  Just trying to keep busy for while I await the trip.  Not doing much else these days.

Happy Mother’s Day

I hope your day is spent in beauty and love.

My wish is to always be the best Mother I can be to my son.  The Sarah Connor Meme was what he posted on my FB wall for Mother’s Day.  I guess that speaks for itself. LOL!  Oh how I love that boy of mine. ❤

Friday evening was the Band Awards Night.  My parents came and my son received his Junior year award, his Jazz, Percussion and Marching pins and was named Most Outstanding Musician for this past year.  So proud of him and his accomplishments. Afterwards, I took him, my parents and one of his friends out for dinner at Ruby Tuesdays. Delicious food, great company and lots of laughs.  Gave my mom her gifts for Mother’s Day and we all had a great time.  So blessed to have these great times together.

I know I have a year until my son graduates and we’re making the most of our time together.   The first two weeks after school gets out, we’re going to Virginia to spend time with friends.  Not sure if the whole time will be there; but we shall see.  Also have an open invite from my Uncle in NC to stop by, so I may spend a few days with them as well.

I am so looking forward to our trip.  It’s about a 17 hour drive; but I know the two days it takes to get there will be tedious, however, well worth the hassle.  Seeing a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years.  So blessed to be able to do so.  He’s just had both knees replaced and I just can’t let any more time go between us.  I have to see him.  I can hardly wait to meet his wife.  She’s sweet and kind and has tamed this man a lot from our youth.  I adore them.

This year has gone by quickly; but the last week has seemed to crawl by slowly.  I guess knowing that it is only a few weeks until I get to vacation must be what is making it seem this way.  Of course, the time we’re away will fly by for sure. LOL!

Last week, my cousin laid to rest her boyfriend of 17 years.  It was unexpected.  He had a brain tumor that he didn’t know about, caused him to lapse into a coma and become brain dead within two days.  Devastating her, his family and their friends.  What is strange is that in September, shortly after my own loss, we had gotten together and had discussed what would happen to her if something happened to him.  I had been explaining to her all the things I needed to go through with the power of attorney, lawyer, cremation, etc.   She expressed her concerns about her situation with me and I listened and shared what I knew from my own personal experience.  I hope it led to a talk with him about it.  She hasn’t been up to talking to anyone, so I am not sure.  I feel so bad about the situation.  She loved him so much.

Actively working on my patience.  On my second Max Lucado bible study book.  Did a short one on patience that I’d gotten from another source.  It was only on patience and about 60 pages, but very intense.  I certainly needed that.  Still waiting on God’s perfect timing.  ❤

I Drive Myself Crazy!

I truly don’t need anyone else to do it; because I do it all by myself. LOL!

I’ve been following the adventures of Jonathan & Ben Carlin on youtube under the name “supercarlinbrothers”.  They do two new videos a week in which they discuss various topics.  They’ve been around for the last 5 years at least and I just discovered them and do enjoy their theories, adventures and commentary.

Finished my last day of PT on Friday and feel a heck of a lot better than I did when I initially hurt my shoulder.  So grateful for that.  Will miss my therapist, Hailey.  We had a lot of fun teasing each other and making the 45 minute session go quickly.

Considering joining a gym; but don’t like it how they seem to have all these hidden fees that spring up once you’re sucked in.  UGH!  Maybe after my vacation I’ll do it.  At present, I’m doing the exercises here, so as long as I continue, I should be okay with it.

VACATION!!!!  I’ll be taking my son with me up to Virginia the first two weeks of June to visit one of my dearest friends from my USMC days.  He and his wife invited us up and though we have never lost touch all these years, we haven’t seen each other in 20 years.  It is going to be a nice visit for sure.  I’m counting the days! 😀

Three more chapters in “He Still Moves Stones” and it has been a fantastic journey.  My women’s bible study has only 3 more chapters in 1 Corinthians before we break for the summer.  We just did 1 Cor 13 and went verse by verse on it in discussion.  We tore it apart and learned a lot about God’s Love.  Without love, our whole lives are incomplete.

I’ve been keeping a vision journal alongside my current prayer journal, which chronicles my vision journey.  The good, the bad and the ugly in black and white.  I keep so many journals for various things.  scripture, life, prompts, pain, etc.  I am also writing in one as letters to my love, all about different aspects of my life and as a way to talk to him when he won’t talk to me.  Such a difficult journey, to wait on the Lord’s perfect timing; but I am doing what I need to do to get through it.

The best part of this journey, though, is that God is answering me all the time.  It is so strange, too.  I pray to him and then He will show me through my daily devotional or even through my personal bible study.  I was reading the book and two chapters, each on the days I had questions or needs, revealed to me what I needed to hear.  It was incredible.  I talked with my son about it and he laughs at me; but he also believes me.  He laughs; but it has more to do with the way I tell him about it than the message.  My faith is strong.

God put on my heart this week to make a motivation/scripture book for my friend’s son who is graduating.  I put photos in it with things like he was wanted, he has a purpose, God has a plan, prayer works, etc. I felt with our conversation that he may have been in need.  Then, once I got the thought, I couldn’t get rid of it, so I finally did it and feel better about doing it.  Sent it out Friday and he should get it Monday or Tuesday.  He’s a really sweeet young man.  I only hope he likes it.

My son’s concert is on Tuesday.  Last of this school year.  He also has an awards banquet on the 12th.  I’m only hoping the time flies; because I so want to go on vacation. LOL!  Only 20 days of school left for him.  YEAH!  I can hardly believe he’s going to be a Senior next year.  Time flies.

 

Arguing with God

I had a fight with God.  Kind of one sided at the time; but I was upset and let Him know about it.  I told Him what my problem was, how my faith was unshakeable, however, I didn’t believe that a particular person was going to come around.  I also mentioned at this point, I didn’t want that person to come around any longer and that he could basically shove it.  I am tired of this person’s current treatment of me and I was done.  Over. Kaput!

Then, I went to sleep.   Take that God!  Do you know what He did?  He put me in my place.  All three “Daily Devotionals” I received yesterday morning had to do with said “conversation”. AND the current chapter of the Max Lucado bible study book I was on and read yesterday also addressed the situation.  Let’s just say that God put me in my place and I humbly begged forgiveness in overstepping and taking my anger out on Him, when He was not the one I was mad with at the time.

Touché’ God, Touché’.  Here I was, all up in His face with my anger, and He simply burst my bubble effectively.  POP!  Brought low by the Man!  <sigh>

On a wonderful note, I sent a graduation card to a friend’s son who will be doing so in two weeks and I received the most wonderful thank you from the young gentleman.  I was touched.  The young man told me he was keeping the card with him so that when he needs motivation he’d refer to it.  I wanted to reach through the internet and hug that child.  ❤ I let him know that he touched my heart with his thanks and that I was available at anytime if he needed motivation or words from God.  I know I told him that he would go far in life, to follow God’s plan, never give up even though people will hurt him and that he is special and God is there for him always.  I even bragged to my women’s bible study this morning about what a great young man he is and a total gentleman.

It is rare today to meet such a wonderful young man who is a gentleman at heart.  So many of the kids I’ve seen at my son’s high school are not.  It is sad.  I’m lucky that my son’s friends are the good ones.  Of course, in this fast paced, rat race of a life we all live in, sometimes kids are left to practically raise themselves.  It’s not fair to them and it’s not fair to their parents; but it’s how it has to be in a two income necessary society.  My son has a friend who’s mom works three jobs as a single mom to two sons and I can only imagine how hard it is on them.  However, her sons are held accountable for all their actions.  She’s a strict task master.

I can only imagine how far my friend’s son will go in this life.  As he goes off to college next year, I will pray for him and his future.  The world is his oyster!

Frustrations

This past week has been full of some ups; but mostly downs.  I spent 3 days in an unease state.  I could not escape the feeling of dread, uneasy and fear.  I can’t explain it; but it had me very low.  There was a lot of crying, yelling and prayers.  It culminated with a Friday out with my son that ended abruptly when I just couldn’t stop crying and we just headed home.  The poor kid, he didn’t know what to do and I explained to him, that for the first time in 17 years, he has no buffer in his life between us that blocked out my depression from him.  Having PTSD sucks some days.

This is truly the first time that I had a major meltdown with it in a long time. Nothing I did could bring me out of it.  I went to bed early each night.  I took some sleep aids and slept it off like a bad hang over.  Yesterday, we completed the shopping I couldn’t and  ended our evening with church, sandwiches and smiles.  Came on hard and fast and left the same way, as if it never happened.  SMH.

I’ve been doing a home bible study as well as my weekly with my girlfriends.  I’ve got my nose in a few books, too.  One of which is called “Eve” by Wm. Paul Young, the man who wrote “The Shack”.  So far, it’s really good.  I’m only a few chapters in, though.  My home study is another Max Lucado called, “He Still Moves Stones” which is amazing.  I’m burying myself in God’s word, worship and singing to Him.  One of my daily devotionals comes from a site that also sells books and I got an incredible deal on some good ones.  I purchased several of Max’s books for only $5 each.  I’m looking forward to reading each one.

On Thursday, I stopped at Staples on my way to physical therapy and while crossing in the crosswalk, a stopped car proceeded to drive and hit me.  He clipped my knee.  I am not hurt, more outraged by the incident.  It was a Senior Citizen and being me, I am sure that he couldn’t have missed seeing me.  SMH He never stopped, even after he heard my knee hit the car.  Just kept on going.

My son got his learners permit.  Still doesn’t want to drive the car.  LOL!  After our vacation in June, I’m going to hire a driving school for him to take lessons.  Who knows?  Maybe my dad will take him out.  You never can tell with that man.

Today I’ve made two loaves of homemade banana bread and my wings are cooking up for dinner.  Sometimes, I wish I had more people to cook for.  I miss cooking for large quantities of people.  I remember the times I’d invite my co-workers over for dinner and how much I enjoyed cooking for them.  Since it is just the kid and me, I haven’t cooked big in a while.  😦  Heck, I haven’t made a roast in so long, I almost forget how to do it. LOL!.

I’m still waiting on God’s promise.  I am not being very patient.  I am ashamed of my impatience.  I’m trying.  I’m not good at it at all.  I guess that is why God is still making me wait.  <sigh>  I’m jealous of the time others get to spend with him.  I am looking for an acknowledgement of some kind.  A sign that I’m not a fool.  I ask so much of God and I still don’t know how He is putting up with my crazy or how He’s going to make it happen.  I pray a LOT!

PT is going as well as PT can go.  Pain in my shoulder is reduced.  THANK GOD!  I am getting more movement in my shoulder and they use the tens machine on it as well as they put a pain patch on me afterwards.  It’s a steroid with a battery operated pump that pushes the meds through the skin.  I wear it for 3 hours.  I think it’s supposed to help break down the calcium deposits in the area.  Only 4 more weeks to go.

Can hardly wait for June to get here.  Heading up to Virginia to visit a friend and am super excited.  He lives in Staunton, so I’m thinking I might also head to see friends in KY and TN as well, since I’ll be there. 😀 We shall see.

Life is certainly interesting.

God Is Good!

I began reading Max Lucado’s new book, “He Still Moves Stones” and I’m on chapter 4 last night and right there, in black and white, it shows me that even Jesus had trouble with his family.  WOW!  Max let me know that it is okay that I have walked away from my sisters and father due to the way they treat me.  That Jesus left His family and it wasn’t until His death that His family sang His praises.  (No I don’t want them to sing my praises when I’m dead)  It is just good to know that I’m in good company with the family thing.  😀

This past weekend, I took my son and his friend to Daytona to watch the FFCC Championship.  Last year, our High School won 1st Place.  This year, the lazy band director wouldn’t do Indoor Drumline, much to the kids disappointment.

Daytona was beautiful.  The weather excellent.  The hotel sucked!  They never cleaned our room on Saturday while we were gone all day.  Not happy.  No clean towels and when I went to the front desk, no one was there; but a sign that says “we’re full”.

The competition was great.  Very much so for us.  The boys hung out with friends from another school and just had a stress free weekend.  My son got sunburn on the top of his feet.  He missed school yesterday since he couldn’t wear shoes.  SMH.  Walked the beach.  Went to the fishing pier.  Saw dolphins and black tip sharks in the water.  I got a little sun; but I know better than to over expose myself due to the Lupus.  I bought a nice purple ball cap that I just love and almost bought a turtle; but worried he wouldn’t make it home alive.

I went to Bubba Gump for an early dinner/late lunch before going over to the arena and I must say it was delish!  The waiter was great, the whole staff, actually.  I had the Calamari and a shrimp po’boy along with 2 Georgia Peach tea’s that gave me a slight buzz; but wore off very quickly.  LOL!

Started PT yesterday.  Not too bad, so far.  I had to wear a pain pump patch for 3 hours afterwards which is a type of cortisone.  At least I’m not allergic to it. Ha, ha.

 

 

Life’s Lemons

For the last 24 years, I’ve been in pain 24/7 for 365.  This is a fact, not a whine.  This new pain is bringing me down low.  Just when I think this is going to be my year, life kicks me in the gut.  I don’t think I’ll ever catch a break.  I truly hate to complain about the pain; but it is so bad that I am back to vomiting over it.  UGH!

I finally decided that wearing a button down shirt is my best option.  It is the “least” painful thing to wear when you have to go from one outfit to another.  It is still painful; but I’m not having to lift my arm as much as when I wear a pull over.

The pain is radiating from the fingers up to my neck.  It is excruciating and I want to scream all the time.  I’m not; but I want to do so.

I sometimes feel like God is playing a joke on me.  That I am the butt of all of his jokes.  “Hey, look what I can do to this gal” and the next disaster strikes.  I take it all in and smile while I’m doing it because I know He’s got my back and won’t let me flounder.  Boy am I a fool.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love God with all my heart and soul. It is just that I feel so lost and alone.  For every step or two I take, I am kicked back a mile.  I haven’t been able to do anything outside of the house in almost a week.  I just drove my kid to and from school and a small trip to the grocery store; but that was exhausting to me.

I haven’t even made dinner in three days.  No, my kid won’t starve; but I’ve always made sure to make him a meal and I just can’t do it.  I’m so wiped out.  I can’t even brush my hair.  It’s a raccoon’s nest on steroids!!!  I look like holy hell.

If this is supposed to teach me something, I certainly would love to know what.  I also feel that I could have learned the lesson without the pain.

My MRI is on the 16th and ortho appt. is on the 22nd.  I can hardly wait to see what happens.  I just want to move forward.

Sometimes Life Sucks

In 2009, when my ex tried to kill me, he managed to dislocate my left shoulder.  It has not been the same since.  It took me several months to get it to stop popping out and having to put it back in place by slapping it into the wall.  Not fun.

Well, this past week, I lifted my arm and BOOM!  It is ruined!  I’m in an immobilizer sling right now and awaiting an MRI on Thursday and follow up with an Orthopedic dr.  UGH!!! I can’t believe this is happening.  I can never seem to catch a break!

The pain is immense.  It has been so bad that today is the first day I haven’t sat up and vomited.  I’m taking Tylenol for the pain.  Yup, that’s it.  Nothing more.  Thank you body for hating me so much that I can’t take anything stronger.

At present, I am cursing the universe for this one.  I’m also cursing the ex for it as well.  I can’t brush my hair.  I can’t lift my arm so I can only imagine when I’ll be able to wash it and going to the bathroom is murder!  I never knew how hard it was to pull up the panties one handed until now.  OH and the dance I have to do to accomplish it is too funny.

I cannot even begin to tell you the pain this thing has caused me over the last 8 years; but I never expected it to turn out like this.  I even kept my kid out of school to help me; because I am useless.  UGH!

Now, I await test results and doctor inquiries.  I am not happy about this at all.  No I Am NOT!  It’s times like this, I wish I had someone who could take care of me.  Alas, I do not, so I will figure out how to do it all on my own.  That’s how I usually do things anyway, so why should this be any different.

Any movement is painful.  I have cried more than I care to admit from the pain.  Sleeping is hard.  Changing clothes is hard.  I changed into this nightgown and I will not be out of it anytime soon.  IT HURT!!!!

Time is crawling by slowly.  I’m trying not to borrow trouble; but I guess I need to just pray and hope.  It is all I can do at this point.

Cruelty

It’s been six months since my best friend died and after my last post, I’ve been reflecting on that relationship and how toxic it truly was. And yet, I took care of him until his dying breath.

We became friends thanks to our children and our exes.  Our children are still best friends.  Our exes destroyed our lives.  Two families ended because two people wanted to play games with our lives.

After my ex tried to kill me in 2009, I was able to relocate and since his ex was not allowing him access to his children, even though he did nothing wrong, he decided he, also needed a fresh start and decided to move with us.

We got a three bedroom house, decided to split living expenses and move away from the two people who were trying to hurt us the most.  He knew if he stayed she’d do something to either put him in jail or worse.  I knew when my ex got out of jail he’d taunt me and torment me for fun.  It was for the best.

My son & I got help.  We were in therapy for a long time.  We began to heal.  My best friend began to drink himself through the pain.  My divorce was final March 2010 and his September 2010.    It wasn’t long after that when we became lovers.  We loved each other; but not the way a man and wife would.  I think it was more convenience than anything else.  Being lovers ended when I had to force us apart when the destruction became too much for me to bear.

He had a mother f*cker in him that was on a crash course to the end.  The more he drank, the worse he became.  He moved into his own apartment in early 2012.  I couldn’t take his cruelty any longer.

We disagree.  He’d get angry and try to force the situation.  He’d destroy my property.  He would throw things around the house.  He’d dump icy cold water on me while I was in the shower.  He’d throw my things out in the yard.  He never paid a single bill, I had to pay for everything.  His check was his own to do with as he pleased.  He cut holes in my clothes.  He would pull meals out of the oven or off the stove and throw them in the trash, uneaten.  He destroyed two of my computers.

I would lock myself in my bedroom, only to have him pick the lock and come in to further torment me.  He would trap me with no escape route so that he could get in my face and tell me what a horrible person I was.  He always told me that my son didn’t love me and was just like his father, just using me.

I spent many nights on my knees in the closet, praying to God to end it.  I wanted to die and I wanted out and I wanted to be free and I wanted it to stop and I wanted it over.  And yet, it went on until I cried so many tears I didn’t think I’d ever cry another, but I did.

I am not innocent in all of this, believe me.  I screamed back at him.  I tried to defend myself.  No matter what I did, I was never good enough and he’d use my behavior as a weapon against me, even when all I was doing was defending myself.

Then, he’d calm down and apologize.  I walked around on eggshells most days.  I never knew what would set him off.  I tried to tell him to get help; but you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.

In 2014, it was the beginning of the end for him.  He started to become really sick.  I stood by him.  He had no one else.  I took him to doctors.  I became his health care advocate.  I took him back into my home when he was so sick he couldn’t care for himself and I was there with him when he drew his last breath.

I helped him to reunite with his brother, whom he had not spoken to in over 30 years.  I took care of every intimate detail of his life.  He was saved and accepted Jesus as his Savior and I know he is in peace, in heaven, right now.

I’m not a saint.  I’m a sinner.  I never did to him the things he had done to me.  He’d push me and I’d push back; but his cruelty was sometimes more than I could bear.  I’d cry, he’d call me a titty baby.  He was good at name calling.  He was good at breaking a person.  But, through it all, I was his friend.

He told me constantly that he loved me.  If that is love, I want no part of it.  I loved him, too; but I wasn’t in love with him and that’s a big difference.  He was like a brother to me.  I never understood the demon on his back.  I have since made peace with God over all that transpired.  I would help him again.  No one should die alone and unloved.

I am not a monster.  I have seen my share of meanness.  I have looked death in the face.  I am at peace with who I am in this world, even if no one appreciates me or loves me.  Despite what people think of me or say about me, I know who I am and what I have done.  Cruelty is not in my DNA.  I’m a call it like I see it kind of person.

In reflection, I see that the people who don’t love me or like me or whatever; are the ones who have hurt me and didn’t like it when I treated them as they did me.  My father doesn’t like it that I stand up for myself.  My sister hates it that I no longer put up with her bull sh*t.  I call a spade a spade.  They think it was so much better when they walked all over me and I let them; but this gal learned to stand up and not take it any more.  I have worth.  I have value and I don’t deserve to be mistreated.

I may never be loved in this life; but that is okay.  I know who I am and so does God and that is all I need.

The Shack

If you want to see an extraordinary movie, I highly recommend “The Shack”.  You will laugh, you will cry and you will experience a miracle as long as your heart is open.

As someone who has suffered incredible pain in my life from so many sources, I definitely felt healing was the main purpose of this incredible movie.  On the way home, I stopped and bought the soundtrack and the book to read.  (Yes, I am nuts, but I’m okay with that.)

Sometimes when this life has dealt us too much pain to bear and we let it surround us and encompass us, we lose our hope.  We blame ourselves, we blame others and we blame God.  However, this movie introduces us to God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit and lets us see through their eyes.  Oh, the power of this movie is tremendous.

I spent time praying for another’s hurts while watching this movie.  I couldn’t NOT pray.  This movie has moved me beyond mere words.  To say it is powerful is an understatement.  Since seeing the previews, I have been drawn to this movie.  I am so grateful I went to see it.

I also had the pleasure of sharing the experience with two great women friends.  Each woman felt the same way.  Anastasia had previously read the book and mentioned that it was one of the few movies she’s seen that actually does the book justice.

My girlfriends and I enjoyed a wonderful Italian meal afterwards and great conversations as well.  I cannot imagine a better end to a great day than a movie and meal with friends.

My heart wants me to share the movie with the man whom God is preparing me for; but I don’t know how to broach the subject with him at present, so I am sure that God will reveal the way.

I love the Lord.  I rejoice in being saved by Jesus and I so hope that by sharing with others that they will come to know God through me.