Frustrations

This past week has been full of some ups; but mostly downs.  I spent 3 days in an unease state.  I could not escape the feeling of dread, uneasy and fear.  I can’t explain it; but it had me very low.  There was a lot of crying, yelling and prayers.  It culminated with a Friday out with my son that ended abruptly when I just couldn’t stop crying and we just headed home.  The poor kid, he didn’t know what to do and I explained to him, that for the first time in 17 years, he has no buffer in his life between us that blocked out my depression from him.  Having PTSD sucks some days.

This is truly the first time that I had a major meltdown with it in a long time. Nothing I did could bring me out of it.  I went to bed early each night.  I took some sleep aids and slept it off like a bad hang over.  Yesterday, we completed the shopping I couldn’t and  ended our evening with church, sandwiches and smiles.  Came on hard and fast and left the same way, as if it never happened.  SMH.

I’ve been doing a home bible study as well as my weekly with my girlfriends.  I’ve got my nose in a few books, too.  One of which is called “Eve” by Wm. Paul Young, the man who wrote “The Shack”.  So far, it’s really good.  I’m only a few chapters in, though.  My home study is another Max Lucado called, “He Still Moves Stones” which is amazing.  I’m burying myself in God’s word, worship and singing to Him.  One of my daily devotionals comes from a site that also sells books and I got an incredible deal on some good ones.  I purchased several of Max’s books for only $5 each.  I’m looking forward to reading each one.

On Thursday, I stopped at Staples on my way to physical therapy and while crossing in the crosswalk, a stopped car proceeded to drive and hit me.  He clipped my knee.  I am not hurt, more outraged by the incident.  It was a Senior Citizen and being me, I am sure that he couldn’t have missed seeing me.  SMH He never stopped, even after he heard my knee hit the car.  Just kept on going.

My son got his learners permit.  Still doesn’t want to drive the car.  LOL!  After our vacation in June, I’m going to hire a driving school for him to take lessons.  Who knows?  Maybe my dad will take him out.  You never can tell with that man.

Today I’ve made two loaves of homemade banana bread and my wings are cooking up for dinner.  Sometimes, I wish I had more people to cook for.  I miss cooking for large quantities of people.  I remember the times I’d invite my co-workers over for dinner and how much I enjoyed cooking for them.  Since it is just the kid and me, I haven’t cooked big in a while.  😦  Heck, I haven’t made a roast in so long, I almost forget how to do it. LOL!.

I’m still waiting on God’s promise.  I am not being very patient.  I am ashamed of my impatience.  I’m trying.  I’m not good at it at all.  I guess that is why God is still making me wait.  <sigh>  I’m jealous of the time others get to spend with him.  I am looking for an acknowledgement of some kind.  A sign that I’m not a fool.  I ask so much of God and I still don’t know how He is putting up with my crazy or how He’s going to make it happen.  I pray a LOT!

PT is going as well as PT can go.  Pain in my shoulder is reduced.  THANK GOD!  I am getting more movement in my shoulder and they use the tens machine on it as well as they put a pain patch on me afterwards.  It’s a steroid with a battery operated pump that pushes the meds through the skin.  I wear it for 3 hours.  I think it’s supposed to help break down the calcium deposits in the area.  Only 4 more weeks to go.

Can hardly wait for June to get here.  Heading up to Virginia to visit a friend and am super excited.  He lives in Staunton, so I’m thinking I might also head to see friends in KY and TN as well, since I’ll be there. 😀 We shall see.

Life is certainly interesting.

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The Shack

If you want to see an extraordinary movie, I highly recommend “The Shack”.  You will laugh, you will cry and you will experience a miracle as long as your heart is open.

As someone who has suffered incredible pain in my life from so many sources, I definitely felt healing was the main purpose of this incredible movie.  On the way home, I stopped and bought the soundtrack and the book to read.  (Yes, I am nuts, but I’m okay with that.)

Sometimes when this life has dealt us too much pain to bear and we let it surround us and encompass us, we lose our hope.  We blame ourselves, we blame others and we blame God.  However, this movie introduces us to God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit and lets us see through their eyes.  Oh, the power of this movie is tremendous.

I spent time praying for another’s hurts while watching this movie.  I couldn’t NOT pray.  This movie has moved me beyond mere words.  To say it is powerful is an understatement.  Since seeing the previews, I have been drawn to this movie.  I am so grateful I went to see it.

I also had the pleasure of sharing the experience with two great women friends.  Each woman felt the same way.  Anastasia had previously read the book and mentioned that it was one of the few movies she’s seen that actually does the book justice.

My girlfriends and I enjoyed a wonderful Italian meal afterwards and great conversations as well.  I cannot imagine a better end to a great day than a movie and meal with friends.

My heart wants me to share the movie with the man whom God is preparing me for; but I don’t know how to broach the subject with him at present, so I am sure that God will reveal the way.

I love the Lord.  I rejoice in being saved by Jesus and I so hope that by sharing with others that they will come to know God through me.

 

He Loves Me Not

He Loves Me Not by Christine Kersey is the latest book I’ve read.  I’ve been reading A LOT of books lately (like one every other day) on the kindle; but this one struck a chord in me.  As I read Lily’s story of a whirlwind romance, marriage and ride of terror, it reminded me of my own past.  How naïve I’d been when I, like Lily, saw signs that pointed to the true nature of my spouses  personality, only to not believe it.  It is so easy to not believe the monster is truly a monster when the monster is such a good actor.  My personal monster was a psychopath with no conscience at all, not a feeling of guilt or remorse ever crossed his thoughts and lying straight-faced is a common occurrence for him.

As I watched Lily question herself, I remembered questioning myself in the same way.  Making excuses for his misdeeds as if my love alone could heal him.  How wrong we are.  These people blame us when they lose control.  We’re the ones at fault.  ALWAYS!  It’s strange what we’re willing to accept, what we’re willing to look the other way on and how we try to make amends for the things that they do.

My heart ached for Lily as she struggled.  She is so like so many others who get trapped in these types of relationships.  I was lucky to escape and so was she.  Of course, there is a second book; but I’m not there yet. 🙂

Each day, I am more and more grateful that I was able to get away with my life.  I was fortunate enough to have lived through it.  Not many who escape are that lucky.  When leaving a violent spouse (male or female) it is the most dangerous time.  Abuse escalates and can lead to death.

Like Lily, my spouse was in jail at the time of my escape.  Mine was in jail for nearly killing me, whereas her spouse was in for car theft.  No matter the reason, we were both free to escape our tormentors.  Reflecting upon my experience, I now see that I should’ve run FAR, FAR away at the first hint of danger; but the fool that I am, I stayed.  Love makes us blind sometimes; but it also made me (and Lily) deaf and dumb as well.  I wish I could say I regret it or if I could go back with full knowledge I’d not do it again; because I wouldn’t have my son.  Yes, the life was full of danger; but there are some things you just can’t change.

I will always love my ex for giving me my son; but anything more, not so much.  I don’t hate him; but I don’t like him either.  I mostly feel sorry for him.  He will never feel the love of another person.  He’ll never know the safety of being with someone who cares for you.  He is without feelings and has to live his life as an actor, constantly pretending to be who he isn’t.   I can only imagine how hard it must be for someone to constantly pretend to be something they’re not.  Too much energy if you ask me.

Anyway, it was a good book, if you can stomach the abuse.  It’s not too bad; mostly verbal and a bit of physical, not too graphic, though.  Of course, I read “Rose Madder” by Stephen King years ago before I was married and that one is very graphic and nowhere near the mellow story of “He Loves Me Not”.  But, that’s another blog. 🙂

Books I Love

As a Christian, I love to read books about faith.  I got totally hooked on “The Reluctant Demon Diaries” Series by Linda Rios Brook.  From the moment I opened “Lucifer’s Flood” to the last page of “The Redeemer”, I was enthralled.  The hardest part for me was waiting for the last book to come out.

After reading this four book series, I was in heaven.  What a beautiful story of sin and redemption.  As I don’t want to give away too much of the story, I will tell you that it is about a lessor demon who gets cast out of heaven with Lucifer and struggles through humanity’s trials trying to redeem himself.  What a beautiful story of being saved.

What I love most about this story is that it gives hope to all those who are in need of saving.

Another author I’ve found that has given me a different perspective on healing the soul is James Rubart.  I discovered his book, “The Chair” while at the bookstore and loved its message.  The book is about a mysterious chair that “heals” people and is said to be hand crafted by the Master Carpenter.  All I can say is WOW!

This lead me to read his other two books, “Rooms” and “Book of Days”, which were equally enthralling.  Each of these books has a different perspective on getting good with God.  I love it that they are about hope and choices and how our free will choices effect our lives.

I’m currently reading Max Lucado’s “Come Thirsty”.  I’m doing it as part of my Women’s Study Group and we’ve been really enjoying the tail.  It starts with the woman at the well, one of my favorite scriptures in the Bible and goes on to much more.

For a personal study, I’m following “Managing Your Moods” Study Guide for women, which is also a good study.  It delves into such emotions as Jealousy and Anger and what the Bible says about these emotions.

I like to read and I even have a few I’ve been reading on my Kindle which are great, too.  “What to Pray” and “The Michael Letters” are part of my collection.

Even my 12 year old son loves to read! 🙂 All I can say is read, read, read!  You never know what you’ll get from it and you could get more than you ever dreamed!