As I was preparing dinner tonight, I stopped watching my DVR recordings and let the television play in the background. A movie was playing and it reminds me why I hate romantic movies. I get sucked in and the next thing I know, I’m crying over two stupid characters that I will never know; because they’re the product of someone’s imagination.
So, I cry out to the Lord and ask him “Why this heart?” Why do I have so much empathy for others? Why does this heart have to care so deeply? Why am I so sympathetic? Why do I have to be so soft? Anyone who I come in contact with, no matter what they are feeling, I can feel it so deeply. If you start to cry near me, I’ll start to cry, too.
Last night, the boy who was baptized at my church the same day as my son, was with us in the car. He and my son go to school together as well. He tells me that all the band loves me. I asked him why and he said because I love them and always have great things to say to them. I’m always positive and their best cheerleader. WOW!
They had their winter concert on Thursday and I can’t even tell you how many hugs I got from them. I could hardly believe how much love I got from them; but I so love them as well and maybe that’s why God gave me this heart.
Sometimes this heart of mine is a curse and sometimes it’s a gift. When I need to keep it together, and it betrays me, it is a curse. When it comes to those who need it, it’s my greatest gift.
For as long as I can remember I’ve been like this. My heart has always been bigger than I like. I love with a love that destroys me each time someone hurts it. Whether it is friends, loved ones or strangers, when I’m hurt by another, I am destroyed. I need to go into hiding and lick my wounds. I guess that’s why my ex husband nearly killed me when I found out he was cheating on me nearly my whole marriage. It’s why my best friend’s death was so hard on me.
It’s why this last year has been so hard on me. I’ve been kicking my own ass, fighting with God, betraying myself and hurting myself with doubt over God’s plan for my life. I’ve cried, screamed, beat myself up, etc. I’m my own worst enemy at times and yet, I know this is why the Lord is giving me this plan. He is allowing me to unite with a man who is so worthy of my love and who will love me the same way in return.
So this heart, this heart so full of love, empathy, care and hurt, it’s the only heart I could possibly have.