Why This Heart?

As I was preparing dinner tonight, I stopped watching my DVR recordings and let the television play in the background.  A movie was playing and it reminds me why I hate romantic movies.  I get sucked in and the next thing I know, I’m crying over two stupid characters that I will never know; because they’re the product of someone’s imagination.

So, I cry out to the Lord and ask him “Why this heart?”  Why do I have so much empathy for others?  Why does this heart have to care so deeply?  Why am I so sympathetic?  Why do I have to be so soft?  Anyone who I come in contact with, no matter what they are feeling, I can feel it so deeply.  If you start to cry near me, I’ll start to cry, too.

Last night, the boy who was baptized at my church the same day as my son, was with us in the car.  He and my son go to school together as well.  He tells me that all the band loves me.  I asked him why and he said because I love them and always have great things to say to them.  I’m always positive and their best cheerleader.  WOW!

They had their winter concert on Thursday and I can’t even tell you how many hugs I got from them.  I could hardly believe how much love I got from them; but I so love them as well and maybe that’s why God gave me this heart.

Sometimes this heart of mine is a curse and sometimes it’s a gift.  When I need to keep it together, and it betrays me, it is a curse.  When it comes to those who need it, it’s my greatest gift.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been like this.  My heart has always been bigger than I like.  I love with a love that destroys me each time someone hurts it.  Whether it is friends, loved ones or strangers, when I’m hurt by another, I am destroyed.  I need to go into hiding and lick my wounds.  I guess that’s why my ex husband nearly killed me when I found out he was cheating on me nearly my whole marriage.  It’s why my best friend’s death was so hard on me.

It’s why this last year has been so hard on me.  I’ve been kicking my own ass, fighting with God, betraying myself and hurting myself with doubt over God’s plan for my life. I’ve cried, screamed, beat myself up, etc.  I’m my own worst enemy at times and yet, I know this is why the Lord is giving me this plan.  He is allowing me to unite with a man who is so worthy of my love and who will love me the same way in return.

So this heart, this heart so full of love, empathy, care and hurt, it’s the only heart I could possibly have.

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Giving Gratefully

My daily devotional was about giving with a loving heart.  It never occurred to me that you would give with anything less; but after reading the entire thing, I can see that some would feel less than happy to give.

Me?  I’m a happy, loving giver.  I see something that I know someone will like and I get it and give it, so that I can see their joy that I was thinking of them.  Some people feel they have to give out of obligation.  Not me.  If I don’t have it in me to give a gift, I don’t.  Though, I am mostly a giver, no matter the circumstances.

For example:  I’m preparing for a “Grinchmas” Party on the 22nd.  It’s the last day of school before break and a half day.  Since it’s a half day, I’m making lunch for about 7 kids and I’ve shopped to find the perfect gift for each of them.  I’m decorating the house “Grinchy” and have not only planned the meal; but games and a movie.  The kids are looking forward to it.

The gifts were carefully researched with their likes in mind and I have to say, I do not believe anyone will be disappointed.  At least I hope not. 😀

I’ve always believed it was better to give than receive and have loved finding and giving the perfect gift for those I love.  As a matter of fact, I’ve made and given gifts to at least one person each month of this year.  I began the year with what I called “The Year of RAK”.  I painted, made jewelry or crocheted items for just about everyone on my Facebook friends list.  I made two large blankets and several baby blankets.  I’ve also crocheted three blankets for charity.  I love giving.

BTW, RAK is “random acts of kindness” and were gifts I gave anonymously to friends with a note that said to pay it forward.  It was the best year ever!!!!  I loved seeing them post their joy at a surprise gift from a “stranger” as they said Thank you to “whoever” sent it.  I did it locally and distance.  I’ve enjoyed every little bit of it.  I absolutely loved the satisfaction of giving to them and making them smile.  I even had two friends say it was a blessing to receive on a not so nice kind of day.  😀

I, personally, feel that giving a gift is not an obligation; but a privilege to show someone how much you think of them.  If I don’t think enough of the person to give them a gift, I don’t.  It’s that simple.  If it feels like an obligation, I skip it.  I want to be a joyful giver.  I want my gift to mean something to them and me.

So, remember this holiday season, that it is love in the giving or it’s an impersonal token of obligation. 😦  Hopefully, joyful giving is the win!

Life’s like this sometimes

Today, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on my life.  I reread a few messages I’ve received from a friend who gives great advice and I realize what a wonderful mind he has and what a great way with words.  I admire those who can articulate well.  In a world of hashtags, abbreviations and slang, it is a great thing to be able to string more than two words together that make sense.  So many of my son’s friends can barely speak correctly, let alone write a sentence.  Writing almost seems a lost art; but I hold on to hope.

Anyway, I digress.  This beautiful person’s words so touch my heart and when I compliment, it doesn’t seem to mean as much to him as it does to me.  SMH.

Since injuring my arm/shoulder last week and having the MRI today, I have been a bit sad.  Things don’t seem to be going the way I want them to and I’m not letting God have control and believe me, He’s let me know it, too.  He sent me a scripture about it, too, just to make sure I was paying attention.  Can’t get more specific than “Beautiful things will happen when God says it’s time.”  Oh and I received this as my message from God that day, too:  “Trying to force life to unfold faster than it is mean to is futile.  Call forth your patience and let it move at its own pace.”

Anyway, I saw this injury as a setback and began to get really upset.  I made it into a major deal, even though I just had the MRI today and have no idea the extent of the injury at this point.  I’ve imagined the worse, made it a major setback and have been so upset by the whole thing.  Of course, the fact that the pain was so horrible I wanted to rip the arm off and beat someone with it is beside the point.  I couldn’t even handle pain anymore.  Too much after too long suffering uncontrollable pain as well as not being able to take anything to dull the pain was just too much for me to cope with and I had a mini freak out.

The pain is manageable today and that is a plus.  I began reflecting on my life.  Where I am, where I am going, where I want to be and what God has planned and the path to get there.  I am overwhelmed with it all.  I had to step back, let go of control and let God do the work.  It is not easy.

I have this great hope in God and His plan for my life.  I want it yesterday.  I get overwhelmed by it all.  I sometimes wish He never let me know the plan.  LOL! However, that would not be teaching me the patience He so wants me to learn.

I so wish I could sit down and discuss it with Him in a way that He’d explain it all; but I know that won’t happen.  It’s just not God’s way.   So I, like so many other believers, have to wait and see as this plays out, one day at a time.  I am struggling.  Not that I have doubts in Him.  I have doubts in me.  I have doubts in the plan of how.  I have doubts in the other person coming around.

I’m doing so much praying these days.  I just hope that I will grow closer to Him and him.  I guess only time will tell.

Love

I’ve never been loved.  Yup, that’s right.  My son loves me; but I’m his mom and it’s kind of a given.  However, to my knowledge, I’ve never been loved by a man.  My ex never loved anyone, he didn’t know how to.  His was a psychopath, so he just didn’t know how.  He spouted it to every woman he ever met; but the true definition of it was lost on him.

As for my best friend, well, he loved his beer more than anything in the world.  He couldn’t love anyone.  Not truly.  At the end of his life, it was always himself he loved and of course, his sons.

My parents have never loved me.  My mother’s favorite thing to say to me growing up was “I hate you, I wish you’d never been born.”  Harsh; but true.  I fought the first 18 years of my life trying to get her to love me and I failed, repeatedly.  No matter how hard I tried, she was still saying it when I was 26 years old.  I was no longer in the USMC and trying to readjust my life around my disabilities when she once again dropped that bomb on me.  I finally stood up to her over it and she hasn’t said it since; but I don’t believe her words of love now.  She just wants to keep the peace so I don’t take her grandson away from her.

My father let it be known 3 years ago what a piece of crap he thinks I am and how he and my sisters can’t stand me and have had to put up with my shit for years.  Oh and my sister let it be known to me last fall that she thinks I’m psychotic.    I can’t even begin to care at all.

The reason I bring it up is because I think there must be something wrong with me.  I present to the world a good person.  I give of my time, my love, my money, my soul to anyone who needs.  No matter what I do, no matter how much I’ve let people use me, I have never been loved.

Men have used my body.  Children have used my kindness and caring.  Women have used my friendship and giving nature.  No one feels the need to give me a thing in return.  And so, I am fatally flawed.

I have looked for love in all the wrong places.  I have never found a thing.  Believe me, I don’t feel sorry for myself.  I am just curious as to why I am so flawed.  I just can’t figure it out.

I had a long conversation with God today and asked him to help me get my son through school and then I will move away, far away and live my life in seclusion.  I don’t want anyone in my life.  I am flawed and I don’t want to ruin anyone else.  Hopefully, God will take me home and I won’t have to hurt anyone with my unlovable self.

Bad Day

So, today is the eve of Valentine’s Day.  A day where all those who are in love celebrate.  As I think about this day, I know that I will be spending it alone.  The person I love, my gift from above, is not with me.  He’s not there yet.  God has not deemed this time to be His perfect timing.  So, I continue to wait.

This day never bothered me as a single person in the past.  For some reason, because I have a promise from God, it is devastating.  <sigh>   I even went so far as to do a compatibility of our signs.  Not that I do horoscopes, I don’t at all; but I did an analysis of our birthdays and sex and the relationship would be combustible and crazy and the best one in the universe.  Two alpha signs, one water, one fire, with a passion that can’t be matched and a romance that will rock the ages.  The report alone had me waving a fan on myself it was so hot.

Waiting, waiting, waiting.  It’s all I can do.  Numerous times I have asked God if the promise He made was true.  If the promise would come to fruition, if I wasn’t NUTS for believing the vision and promise He made me and all of it is backed up by Him.  EVERY. SINGLE. THING!  I don’t believe in coincidence.  Things happen for a reason.  I have asked God to slam the door, nail it shut and don’t let me in if it is not to be.  God sends me the perfect scripture for an answer.  I ask if I was correct in who it is I’m to be with and He answers me with a song, photo, etc.  that reconnects my belief.

GOD IS GOOD!  ALL THE TIME!

It’s so hard, sometimes, for me to be patient.  I want it now.  Not because I am an instant gratification gal; but because I just want the man to spend time with me, make memories with me, etc.  I already love this person; because God told me he’d be mine.  No other reason.  God gave me this man and I will treasure the man as the greatest gift.

We, of course, need to get to know each other better.  I tried.  He doesn’t believe that God gave me him.  He’s trying to heal himself.  That is fine.  I understand completely.  I will wait.  I pray for him daily.  I pray for God to fix him: mind, body, spirit, soul.  I pray that he is safe in his travels for work.  I pray for his family to be there for him as he continues his healing journey.  I pray that God looks after him, fills his heart with love and joy and that when the time is right, he will come to me.

I also pray that if I am not to be his forever love, that he find her and is happy for the rest of his life.  I am so full of love that if I am not the one, I still want that person to be happy.  Yes, I’ll be sad; but I will accept the things I cannot change.

So, as for tomorrow, UGH!  I expect nothing and I will be sad for the loss; but I will get through this, too.

BW

fankit_39ea07df451410227.jpgI remember my youth and love of comic books.  Batman & Captain American were my favorites.  However, there was one that stood out above the crowd.  She was in some of the comics I read.  Her name was Black Widow.  Oh, how I loved her.  She seemed to be this exotic, elusive, unsung hero.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved Wonder Woman and adored the Saturday morning show “Isis” and watched both these powerful women every week on their respective shows; but there was just something about Black Widow that had me.

I loved the song, “Queen Bee” by Barbara Streisand from the movie “A Star is Born”; because it told the story of said spider.  I fell in love with Alice Cooper’s “Black Widow” song and later, Lita Ford made two songs to the pretty spider.  How could a girl like me not fall hard for my favorite heroine.

Imagine my surprise when Marvel came out and launched their movies and included my lovely.  I must say, that was the ultimate reward for a die hard fan.  As for me, I have a confession to make.  I’ve been her, too. 😀

Back in my USMC days, in the earlier than the internet days, computer users used what was called BBS or Bulletin Board Systems and I used the name “Black Widow” as my own.  It was the early 90’s and we all could become who we wanted behind the keyboard.  I loved those simpler days.

Since I developed this persona, I have used her over the years.  She’s my alter ego.  She is who I write as.  She is “the mind of the mad woman” within me.  I love her.  She’s free to write poetry, short stories and even books.  She has ensnared many within her web and she lives deep within my soul.  With her I am free.

I remember when my email address included her.  blackwidow@xxx.ooo This name definitely gave people a lot of assumptions as to who and what I was.    Ha, ha.

Now that she is so widely known, I am a little jealous of those who think they can have her.  She was my secret for so long and now it’s out.  Nothing like being laid bare for all to see. LOL!  Of course, she’ll always be my alter ego.  She’s who has developed so many poems and short stories and she is freeing.  I will always keep her within my soul.

 

 

When it rains, it pours

So, I received a letter from my landlord today about a rent increase come January.  I can’t afford the increase; because I’ve just lost $600 a month in child support.  Great!  I guess It’s time to move.  My son just came out and stated it has not been our year and I do believe that’s the truth.

I have been so strong since Leif died, then David and then the ex.  I have been in a lot of physical pain as well as emotional pain lately and my strength has been incredible.  Right now, though, I am weak and falling apart.

I have been attacked twice by friends of Leif’s ex-wife, telling me to give Leif’s “stuff” to his children.  SMH I cannot believe that they believe they’re entitled to his things after cutting him out of their lives in 2013 and that they actually believe I have anything of his.  I am at a loss.  Since 2013, he has been in and out of the hospital for various aliments, which finally led to his death.  My heart is heavy with sadness that he is no longer here.  He was such a wonderful person underneath his pain and hurt.  “Hurt people, hurt people” and I understood that about him.  I could see through his pain to who he truly was.

Both of my attackers told me that God would be judging me for my “sins” and that I would be going to hell.  I cannot understand those who stand in judgment of me and who claim to “know” what God will do to me.

Believe me, I know that I am not worthy of God.  I know that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior and that each morning I strive to be a better person and follow his teachings and I fail him daily.  I am flawed, I am human; but I am trying to be a better person.  Each time I fail, I ask Him for forgiveness and I know that he forgives; but Jesus has already paid the price for me.  So, I ask, why are others telling me what God himself has told me is true, is not true?  I don’t believe them; but I don’t understand them either.

I have cut out from my life, the people that have hurt me for so long.  I even cut out my father and two sisters.  Why?  Because people cut out cancer when they have it, so why should I not cut out those who hurt you?

My son, who spent last summer with my parents and sister & her family, in Texas.  He came back with tales of how fucked up my father and sister truly think I am.  My sister blamed me for things that both my parents told him wasn’t true.  You see, she can’t take responsibility for her own actions and blames me for a lot of the crap in her life.  I truly don’t have that power.  I never did.  I guess I should count myself lucky she didn’t attack me physically, which would not be unheard of for her.  She claims to love me; but proves she doesn’t each time she opens her mouth.

My youngest sister was cut off in 2010, after spouting off nonsense and then telling me that I was always the problem.  I don’t want to be anyone’s problem, so I don’t bother her.

As for my father.  Ah, I have tried my entire life to live up to the impossible dream he seems to think I am supposed to be living.  In 2014, Leif called him and asked him to bury the hatchet over a fight we had.  My father proceeded to tell him (and me, who heard it all on speaker phone) what a piece of shit, troublemaking asshole I am.  He stated that I hold a grudge, I am vicious and vindictive and vengeful.  That I take pleasure in hurting others as they have hurt me.  Wow.  I never realized I was so evil.

In all the years Leif knew me, he never saw any of that.  I did not take revenge against my cheating, emotionally and physically abusive husband.  Leif never saw me do anything that my father spoke of.  Tigers don’t change their stripes.

What Leif did see was a woman who was used and abused by those around me; because I’m too nice.  He watch a woman nearly steal me blind.  He watched people manipulate me to get what they could out of me.  He watched the world spit on me and became my champion to stop the madness.  It seems whenever I stand up for myself, I am a bitch and the mean one.

I can’t even begin to understand what others think and feel about me; but I do know that I am a good person.  I am trying hard to be better everyday and it isn’t easy when pain rules your life.

 

My heart aches

Today is my 48th birthday. Whoopee (heavy sarcasm).

It’s been a good day. I was able to make 5 wire wrapped necklace pieces; but so what? I’m keeping busy. I went to dinner with my son, the meal sucked; but it was a restaurant we’d never been to before. I had one drink, a frozen strawberry margarita and then passed out candy to some trick or treaters.

So, what’s the problem? My heart wants what I cannot have. There’s a man I knew back in my USMC days who a year ago I reconnected with. He’s a great man. We’ve talked a lot over the last year; but for me, I want more. For him, I have no idea. Do I propose us getting to know each other better? Or am I wishing for things that are just a dream? I could so easily fall for him. I know I would be a devoted partner to him.

For me, it’s forever. I’m not looking for a fling. I want to take care of my partner until the end. I will be totally devoted to him and I know, if given the chance, I could make him happy. He’s divorced, lives a long distance from me and I have no clue if he’d even consider a “let’s get to know each other better” proposal from me. For all I know I am so insignificant in his life that he doesn’t even think of me at all.

It’s been a rough two months. First my best friend dies, then two weeks later, my cousin died. October 9th my Ex husband died, which for me was freeing; but I’m not so sure about my son. He says he’s fine; but who knows? I surely hope so.

With all this being said, do I even have the right to ask this man to be a part of my life? Do I put myself out there and get a possible rejection that devastates me? Do I take a chance? I’ve been hurt so much by so called loved ones that I don’t even know if it’s worth it for me to even try.

I’m a fuck up. My father has made it obvious that he believes that all my life I have been his “cross to bear” and I have two sisters who think I’m worthless, except when they need something and I cannot honestly recall what it is that I did to them that is so bad they feel this way. I’ve cut them from my life like cancer for my peace of mind and greater good.

I am loyal to a fault. I’d never cheat or intentionally hurt someone. When I love, I love with my whole being. I will give every day to that person and show them how much they mean to me. I don’t give up on someone until they’ve totally given up on me. I am a good cook. I’m a great care giver. I’m not afraid of hard work. I’m a protector and will fight anyone who threatens those I love. I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be.

I’m sarcastic, funny, fun to be with, open, honest, head strong, crazy and adventurous. I like to have fun. I come with baggage; but then again, most people do these days.

Maybe I’m a fool. I probably am. Fear of rejection is holding me back. I want to be brave; but I don’t want to ruin our friendship by proposing something that he finds repulsive. I guess I’m just nuts thinking this will ever happen.

I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve anything. No matter what I’ve ever done in this life, helping so many people and getting shit on in return is my lot in life. I deserve being used and abused. It’s all I’m good for. If not for my son, I’d have left this world long ago. My self esteem is in the toilet today. I’m having a big ole pity party and this is so not like me. Such is life.

Until I grow a pair, I guess I’ll never know.

Goodbye’s the saddest word…..

On Saturday, September 3, 2016, @ 8:15 am, I said goodbye to my best friend.

The call came in at 6:06 am; but I slept right through it.  I’d spent the last few days going back and forth to Hospice House and taking Ian to and from CCHS for school and band.  I was just so tired; but knew I’d not sleep.

I woke up at 7:20 am to my dogs telling me to get up and let them out.  No rest for the wicked.  As it happens, I looked at the answering machine after they came inside and saw that glowing green #1 and knew.  I listened to the message and called back right away.  It was then I was told he was going fast.  I hurriedly dressed and drove there.

The nurse hung up with me and went to Leif’s room and told him to hang on, I was on the way.  I arrived at 7:50 am.  I caressed his head and held his hand.  I kissed him and sang to him.  I prayed with him and I told him it was okay to let go and be with our Heavenly Father.  I told him I loved him and I felt his hand spasm and then he was gone.  I continue to sit with him, not wanting to let go.  The nurse came in at 8:27 and I told her he was gone.  She retrieved the doctor and it was official at 8:30.

The social worker came.  She had a blue vase with gorgeous bouquet of sunflowers (my favorites) with her, a sign, I am sure, that he was telling me it was okay.  He was okay.  I shared some funny and sweet stories with the social worker, nurses and staff members.  They came in to make him “presentable” and I wandered off to the chapel to pray.

I told our Father to take care of him.  To hold him close and show him the “ropes”.  I told him I’d be there to meet him and to enjoy the time he’ll spent with his two daughters.  His life here was so hard, so unfair, so tragic; but now, he’s in heaven and has his new body and can be with those who will only show him love.

Arrangement had to be made and decisions I wasn’t ready for; but had to make.  Pastor Larry at Hope prayed with me, spoke with me and reminded me that God is my strength and my comfort.

He was so cold.

My comfort also comes from knowing Leif is finally at peace.  He is no longer hurting.  His soul is renewed in love and that one day we will meet again.  I will miss this great, big, gentle giant who loved me more than anything in the world.  I will see you again, my Cota Bear.

On Sunday, I went to make and finalize arrangements for his cremation.  I ordered his urn.  Papers signed, notifications made, tears flowed.

Leif was my hero.  My knight in tarnished armor.  The one who kept me grounded to this earth and the one who helped me soar.  He would catch me every time I fell. We fought as fiercely as we loved and laughed even harder than that.  He was my best friend, my fiercest competitor and my champion.

Cota Bear, I will miss you and love you until my dying day, when we will meet again.

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Two Months

Two Months

It’s been two months since my friend entered went to the ER and nearly died. Hope Hospice has been a great assist in caring for him at home. It’s been a hard two months; but we’re making it. Officially sober since May 11th and out of the woods from withdrawal. There is hope.

End stage Liver disease is a horrible way to die. I have to sit by and watch the breakdown of a life. As he drifts off to sleep, he mumbles and his hands flail about animatedly. He has no idea. He calls out, he sometimes knocks things over.

He hallucinates all the time. Don’t get me wrong, he has times of lucidity; but he still sees things and gets confused. Sometimes I have to “poke” the images he sees to show him that he is seeing things. He was convinced a man had broken into our home. I had to fake calling the police in order to calm him down. It wasn’t until several days later that I was able to convince him it wasn’t real. Now, he’s told me, when he’s not sure if something is real, he will poke at the image or he’ll close his eyes to see if it will disappear.

He’s up and around now using his walker. He’s lost the water weight (ascites) in his legs and stomach thanks to water pills prescribed by the doctor. He has fallen several times and gotten scraped up; but we’ve gotten him off the ground without additional assistance. Walking around does, however, make his feet and legs sore. We’re hoping that he’ll start physical therapy soon to help.

His appetite has increased at times; but then he will go with only one to two bites of food. He’s taking extra fiber and MoM to help him have BMs. He is, for the most part, in good spirits. I have even been able to take him out to the eye doctor after he broke his glasses and needed a new pair.

He LOVES his CNA. She comes three times a week and gives him a bed bath, puts lotion on him and makes him feel better. He adores her. She’s a great person and I think the world of her, too. He has a nurse who comes once a week and a Social Worker every two weeks.

All things considered, he’s doing very well.

My son went to Jazz Camp at FSU in June and I had to drive him. This left us having to get someone in to stay with my patient. Thankfully, there is a lady from my church who is a retire PA who came over and stayed the two days. She then stayed two days when I went to pick my son up.

My son LOVED the camp, learned new techniques to take back to Jazz band at CCHS and made several new friends. He had a great solo at the Friday evening concert combos (4 songs) and played in two pieces on Saturday afternoon. He did a great job and I am so proud of him.

This coming weekend, we’re heading down to Hollywood Hills HS for an Indoor Drumline workshop with Stryker, a semi-professional Drumline. It’s only one day and he is so looking forward to the opportunity to sharpen his drumming skills.

This summer has been so good for him. The last week of July is band camp and I know he is looking forward to that as well. My son impresses the heck out of me. He’s so dedicated to his music and I am so proud of his dedication and skill. I love the stuffing out of that kid.

Between the two of these guys, I am have seen such incredible progress and couldn’t be prouder of them. What a great summer so far.