I know I’ve mentioned it before; but in case you didn’t remember, I’ve escaped death 7 times. Yup, that’s right. Faced it, died, & survived. God was not finished with me yet. I still have work to do on this planet and despite living in immense amounts of pain, I still have a purpose.
It’s hard being me. With a million and one reasons to die, I still live. Take the Trigeminal Neuralgia. It’s nickname is “The Suicide Disease” because it is listed as the most painful disease in the world. This year marks my 25 year as a sufferer for 24/7 365 days of torment. That is more than 1/2 of my life. It sucks. A neurologist once commented on how surprised he was that I was still alive; because so many don’t last as long as I have with the severity that I suffer with it.
However, trying to end it all is not an option. Even though I have been hurt by those who love me, I just can’t do the same to them. Plus, I love my son too much to leave him with that kind of legacy. Heck, shortly after being discharged for the TN, a friend of my sister’s killed himself. This led to a discussion between my other sister and father about the subject. My father said he’d never forgive the person who did it and my sister told him that the only one she would forgive is me. She just couldn’t imagine living my life. This knocked me for a loop. They had no idea I had tried a year earlier and lived. They had no idea that upon waking that I figured out that God had another purpose for me and ending my life was not one of them, this being his second time for saving me from death.
I remember when my friend tried and I called an ambulance for him. I remember how much it hurt me that he tried to give up on his life. He suffered terribly with PTSD and drank and overate and the list goes on. His health deteriorated and he passed a year ago. His attempt hit me hard. He told me to “get over it”; because it had nothing to do with me. I was not permitted to feel anything over this situation. I was not permitted to do anything; but suffer silently.
That’s the thing. When facing suicide, the person contemplating it doesn’t see anyone but themselves. Some use it as a cry for help. Some truly want to die. Some want pity. Some need attention. Some succeed. And some destroy those around them by leaving behind so many unanswered questions, guilt, heartbreak, nightmares, and more.
Suicide is more than taking a life. It is destroying those who love and care for you. There is nothing so bad in this life that dying is the only answer!!!! You will have your heart torn out of your chest, stomped on and left in the dirt by someone you love. Time will heal your heart and God will fill in the gaps. You will get fired. You will lose a loved one. You will crash your car, be homeless, have no money, or a million other tragedies and you can survive!
Several years ago, I came across a link to an article bearing a familiar name. It was about a young Marine who was over in the Gulf and lost both legs. On the page was a photo of the young man as a boy with his two sisters. I took that picture. It was one Thanksgiving over in Japan. The beautiful, smiling face stared back at me and the memories of my time overseas, with this family, flashed before me. I held that boy in my arms and read to him. I baby sat him. I worked with his dad.
As I read the article, I found out about what his community was doing for him as a disabled veteran. His mother recalled how this young man was such a happy go lucky person and that despite this “setback” he was still that same guy. The once 6′ 3″ man was now closer to half that tall, uses a wheelchair most of the time, is an encouragement to those he knows and to those he doesn’t. What to some is a horrible disability, to him is a life. He even visits other veterans and offers encouragement to them in their own situations. I’m so impressed with this young man and even contacted him.
Suicide was NOT an option. His wife and child believe this as well.
You will face tragedy, that is a sure thing. You can and will survive. So many times, I’ve reached out to God in conversation about the life I have led and why I had to go through so much heartache. Though He gives no answers, I am comforted by the fact that He loves me so much that he won’t even allow me to die. I am that important.
I have been hated by my parents and sisters. I have been molested by a sick uncle. I was forcibly raped and brutalized. I was beaten and abused. I have been cheated on by a man who “vowed” to love me forever. He nearly killed me. I have been lied to, ignored, verbally abused, and I am still here. I have stared evil in the face and I am still here. I have sacrificed my needs and wants to care for others who would never do the same for me. I have saved lives and I have held the hands of those who slipped away from this life. I have lived in hell and yet, I am still HERE!
After my failed attempt, I accepted that God has an important job for me here. So, I thrived and survived all this world has thrown at me. I have risen up out of the ashes of my past in order to show the world what triumph is. I kneel at the foot of my Father’s throne and arise, wearing the full armor of the Lord so that I may battle the forces of evil. I am a warrior! I am the phoenix! I am the SURVIVOR!!!
Suicide is NOT an option!