Mr. Tin Man

Miranda Lambert has a song out called “Tin Man” which addresses the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz, going on about how if he’d ever felt his heart break, he’d never want a heart.  It is such a beautiful song and I just love it.

And here I am, feeling at the end of my rope.  I hate how terrible I am feeling of late.  Summers in Florida are really hard for me with all the storms that plague the area, making me feel so miserable.  Lupus, TN, Fibro, etc. plays hell in these summer storms.

I’d rather die with honor and dignity than the slow and agonizing death of lupus.  The fact that my own body is what is killing me off is poetic justice.  I couldn’t die as a Marine on the battlefield or saving someone’s life; but as a result of the internal battle within my own pathetic body.

My own body can’t fight infection.  I feel so weak where I used to be so strong.  I’m a mess.  After 24 years of struggling with pain, which has always been tough, I find that I’ve reached the end of the road.

I’m so tired.  I just want to give up.  I don’t feel that I can fight this any longer.  It would be so easy to slip away, sleep the eternal rest.   I would take my own life if it wouldn’t leave my son behind and the heartache it would give him.  I can’t do that.

Bravery?  What does it mean?  Is it taking that leap of faith and taking chances?  Is it fighting the unknown for the greater good?  I’m not sure anymore.  I know I’m not brave enough to face the unknown right now.

I listened to Martina McBride’s song, “Anyway” and it makes me want to go forth and do battle; but the emotional turmoil and the heartache to come have me scared.

“You can love someone with all your heart, For all the right reasons, And in a moment they can choose to walk away, Love ’em anyway…… I sing I dream I love anyway”

I used to be a big risk taker; but found I gave my heart to someone who could not take the same risks.  I am so hurt by this.  I’ve decided to close myself off from the world and let it end.  I can’t risk the pain anymore.  I’d love to be able to; but my emotional well being is at stake, as well as my physical well being.

Of course, I have loved my son, whom is the miracle I never knew I would get.  My love for him is eternal.

I know a boy that has faced so much more than I have and he’s but a 10 years old.  Can I give up in the face of what I know “Robo-boy” will be going through?  Can I give up and show him that I’m not as strong as he is?  Is that fair to him?  Can I take away his faith?

Or do I stand strong against impossible odds and fight like the devil to survive the uncertainty that my life has so become?  Decisions are so hard to make right now.

I’m wrapped in barbed wire and roses, if you come too close, you will be hurt.

And I sometimes wish I were like the Tin Man, without a heart.  Just so I won’t feel my heart breaking each day.

God, please get me through this.  I don’t know how much more I can go forward and take in this miserable heart.  Abba, I want to come home.  I want to be with you and walk with you in the cool of the day in Paradise, basking in Your great love.  I’m so tired of stumbling through this horrible world.  What is the point?

Prednisone is Satan’s answer to Lupus.  Take these nasty things and look like a fat, chipmunk cheeked Ompa-Lumpa.  It’s no wonder I’m alone.  I hate that not only is my body beating itself up; but that bastard is invading my mind with his bull sh*t rhetoric.  It’s echoing in my mind.  Has to kick a gal when she’s down.  Jerk!  If I could get my hands on him, I’d kick the crap out of him.

Here it is, the pity train is leaving the station and is on the express line to full blown tantrum.  Crying and upset over a body that is bent on killing itself slowly and a mind full of lies.

All aboard………

unbreakable

 

God Is Good!

I began reading Max Lucado’s new book, “He Still Moves Stones” and I’m on chapter 4 last night and right there, in black and white, it shows me that even Jesus had trouble with his family.  WOW!  Max let me know that it is okay that I have walked away from my sisters and father due to the way they treat me.  That Jesus left His family and it wasn’t until His death that His family sang His praises.  (No I don’t want them to sing my praises when I’m dead)  It is just good to know that I’m in good company with the family thing.  😀

This past weekend, I took my son and his friend to Daytona to watch the FFCC Championship.  Last year, our High School won 1st Place.  This year, the lazy band director wouldn’t do Indoor Drumline, much to the kids disappointment.

Daytona was beautiful.  The weather excellent.  The hotel sucked!  They never cleaned our room on Saturday while we were gone all day.  Not happy.  No clean towels and when I went to the front desk, no one was there; but a sign that says “we’re full”.

The competition was great.  Very much so for us.  The boys hung out with friends from another school and just had a stress free weekend.  My son got sunburn on the top of his feet.  He missed school yesterday since he couldn’t wear shoes.  SMH.  Walked the beach.  Went to the fishing pier.  Saw dolphins and black tip sharks in the water.  I got a little sun; but I know better than to over expose myself due to the Lupus.  I bought a nice purple ball cap that I just love and almost bought a turtle; but worried he wouldn’t make it home alive.

I went to Bubba Gump for an early dinner/late lunch before going over to the arena and I must say it was delish!  The waiter was great, the whole staff, actually.  I had the Calamari and a shrimp po’boy along with 2 Georgia Peach tea’s that gave me a slight buzz; but wore off very quickly.  LOL!

Started PT yesterday.  Not too bad, so far.  I had to wear a pain pump patch for 3 hours afterwards which is a type of cortisone.  At least I’m not allergic to it. Ha, ha.

 

 

Out of my comfort zone

I have a friend from childhood on FB who recently posted two videos with him singing on them.  He’s pretty good.  We were in choir together in HS and he had his own rock band back then that was pretty popular among our peers.  He also had a gal we knew from then sing back up vocals to his first song.  She was quite the singer back in the day, too.  Our music teacher commented on the post encouraging others to do the same.  Planted a seed in this crazy mind of mine. LOL!

I am seriously considering doing the same thing.  I love to sing.  I have a large vocal range and even put on a “One Woman” show back in 2005, which was met with acclaim.  I remember when I was stationed in Iwakuni and went to my first karaoke bar and was conned into singing a song with a friend.  I was so nervous; but I did it anyway.  I started singing and the entire bar went completely silent.  My two friends, who were with me, were slack jawed in awe.  It made me feel so good about my abilities.

I am not one who seeks out admiration from others.  I don’t like to be the center of attention; but I do just want to do what I love and if that makes others happy, then that’s great, too.  With that said, I am going to try it.  I’m going to sing some songs and then I’m going to post them on youtube and put it out there.  <shrug>  Who knows where it will go; but it will be me, raw and naked for the world to see.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have loved music.  It is timeless.  It is magical and it is beautiful.  It speaks to those who let it and resonates through the ages.  I cannot imagine my life without it.

Over the last several months, I’ve been pushing myself to do things I haven’t done in ages.  I am liking all these new experiences.  It is definitely pushing the envelope that is for sure.  I’d not do these types of things, at least not in a long time.  I’m finally off the back burner and have rejoined the human race.  Well, at least the creative side of it.  Ha, ha.

After school today, I sat here and listened to my son, who was playing his drums in the garage and I have to say I am very impressed with him.  I’ve watched him go from not being able to play at all to mastering the art.  What an impressive thing to have witnessed, the growth and development of a young musician.

Hopefully, I will be able to watch his talent develop into a wonderful life of music and a career he will blossom in.  ❤

Feeling Sassy

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Feeling a bit sassy today.  Picked up my order for the kid’s presents, wrapped and under the tree.  Have two more to come in.  I’m so done.  I hated having to go to the store to pick them up.  I have one more by mail and one more by store.  I did go to my local pizza place and get an XL box from them to wrap one of the kid’s gifts that didn’t come in a box.  I love this place.  They are the best.  I praise them all the time on my FB page.  They are great people and we eat there at least once a week. LOL!

I normally hate to shop and this season makes it worse for me.  Dropped the last two packages in the mail today for the season.  Just hope they like their gifts.  Ha, ha.  The kid is at a rehearsal for his concert next Thursday evening.  My parents will be here for the show.

I pick up the poinsettia orders today and deliver them on Saturday at church.  He sold 8 total or should I say he sold one and I got the other 7. Hey, it’s 6 over his required, so I’m pleased with that.

This is a photo of my legs.  I’ve always had great legs.  They’re really muscular and this photo came out great of them.

I met a man while out today who was easy to talk to and very kind.  We spoke of both our recent losses and he was promoting his job at a local new Mexican place locally.  He offered to buy me a Margarita.  Ha, ha.  He lost his wife 2 months ago and had positive things to say about Hospice as well.

I was praying with my Bible study group yesterday and she mentioned the fact that we don’t know the true date of Christ’s birth.  I found it funny because I had just prayed two nights previous about that.  I know we don’t know the exact date that Jesus was born; but we do know which day we celebrate it and for me, that is enough.  I’m not going to get all bogged down on when; but in the WHY!

He was born to save us from eternal suffering and to die for our sins.  That is what is important, not the whole b.s. about what date.

 

BW

fankit_39ea07df451410227.jpgI remember my youth and love of comic books.  Batman & Captain American were my favorites.  However, there was one that stood out above the crowd.  She was in some of the comics I read.  Her name was Black Widow.  Oh, how I loved her.  She seemed to be this exotic, elusive, unsung hero.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved Wonder Woman and adored the Saturday morning show “Isis” and watched both these powerful women every week on their respective shows; but there was just something about Black Widow that had me.

I loved the song, “Queen Bee” by Barbara Streisand from the movie “A Star is Born”; because it told the story of said spider.  I fell in love with Alice Cooper’s “Black Widow” song and later, Lita Ford made two songs to the pretty spider.  How could a girl like me not fall hard for my favorite heroine.

Imagine my surprise when Marvel came out and launched their movies and included my lovely.  I must say, that was the ultimate reward for a die hard fan.  As for me, I have a confession to make.  I’ve been her, too. 😀

Back in my USMC days, in the earlier than the internet days, computer users used what was called BBS or Bulletin Board Systems and I used the name “Black Widow” as my own.  It was the early 90’s and we all could become who we wanted behind the keyboard.  I loved those simpler days.

Since I developed this persona, I have used her over the years.  She’s my alter ego.  She is who I write as.  She is “the mind of the mad woman” within me.  I love her.  She’s free to write poetry, short stories and even books.  She has ensnared many within her web and she lives deep within my soul.  With her I am free.

I remember when my email address included her.  blackwidow@xxx.ooo This name definitely gave people a lot of assumptions as to who and what I was.    Ha, ha.

Now that she is so widely known, I am a little jealous of those who think they can have her.  She was my secret for so long and now it’s out.  Nothing like being laid bare for all to see. LOL!  Of course, she’ll always be my alter ego.  She’s who has developed so many poems and short stories and she is freeing.  I will always keep her within my soul.

 

 

22 Days

The tree is up.  Purple lights make it look dazzling.  No ornaments, yet.  My son wants a small holiday party with his friends.  I told him sure.  Just have to pick the date.

I’m so ready for this year to end.  2016 has been a rough year.  I am so looking forward to a new year.

Church tonight.  Looking forward to that as well.  After not being able to go to church at all over the last year and a half, it is so good to be back to going each week.  I really hated to miss; but I was needed at home and I am glad I was able to do what I did.

Still plugging along on the book.  It’s coming along nicely.  God is blessing me in this arena as well as with benefits for my boy.

Took another painting class last night.  Turned out pretty good.  I’ve made a few art journaling pages today.  I had a jewelry class Wednesday evening.  From that, I was able to make several pieces while awaiting for my son during his audition for All County.  I made a bracelet in pink for my friend, Michelle’s birthday, which was yesterday.

My sister, Vickie was going to my mother’s for Christmas; but has since changed them, so now my sister, Michelle will be there.  Neither my son, nor I want to go there for the holiday.  We were invited for turkey day; but we didn’t want to be there on that day, either.

My son wants us to go to Russell Stover’s store while he’s on vacation.  We’ll have to see how the money is; but I’m sure we’ll be able to do it.  He likes that place for some strange reason. Ha, ha.

My son got himself two new CD’s yesterday and we listened to them in the car.  Avenged Sevenfold’s new song, “Angel” is really great.  I like it a lot.  My son once dedicated one of their songs to me on FB and I have to tell you, it was beautiful.

I love all types of music.  My tastes run from Classical to Jazz to Heavy Metal, Rock n Roll, Pop, R&B, etc.  I can’t imagine there is music that I haven’t liked.  I got hooked on Country while in the USMC (how could I not with three roommates from the South — 2 Texas & one Louisiana. LOL!).  Music has always been my go to when I’m in need of some soul healing.

My mind is scattered today.  But just a little bit.  I can’t seem to concentrate on one thing or another.  It’s distracting me.  I hope I can stay focused on tonight’s sermon.  I need it.

Well, I’m off to where that may lead.  Hopefully not too wild and crazy.  😀

Anger & Sadness

Dear Leif,

This will make the 2nd Thanksgiving you fucked me over!  The first one in 2014 when you tried to kill yourself and were an inpatient at the VA Bay Pines and now, this year, you had to die on me in September!  Thanks!  Some best friend you turned out to be. Ha, ha.

I miss you.  I miss how much we used to laugh.  Momma Bear, Michigan J. Frog, “sound effects”, and so much more.  You’re not here anymore.  I’m so sorry.

You’re probably laughing at me right now.  Jose Cuervo and I are celebrating together.  We both know that I’ll out last him.  Jose can’t compete with a crazy Irish gal.  “Don’t ask her on a straight Tequila night….”  BTW, drinking it straight from the bottle isn’t classy, I know, but who’s going to see me do it?  I was going to get all the stuff to make Twilight Zones; but you know I can’t resist my main man. Ha, ha.  We also know that this is not a normal thing for me.  I’m celebrating your life.  Cheers, BF!

The boy, of course, is hiding in his “mole cave” as usual.   I’m sure you know that Doug dropped dead.  You must be laughing at his dance in hell.    At least you’re not there.  I have the blessed assurance that you are in heaven.

Drove Anastasia to the airport at 4 am this morning.  So glad I could help her out.  I’m keeping busy these days.  Started painting again.  I’m making jewelry.  We decided to do a Nightmare Before Christmas themed tree this year, so I made ornaments.  We’re going to use that white tree again that you got for $5 two years ago. Will put her up tomorrow.

Finally found a place for all the shawls I made.  Donated them.  Going to be donating the hats, too.  I’m sure you know I’m downsizing.  I found a place to get rid of my books, too.  Don’t need all this shit.  You’ve told me that for years; but I’ve finally come to that realization myself and believe me, I won’t be able to move after the boy graduates with all this junk.  Who knows where I will end up?

I talked to Doris yesterday.  Your brother, Bob, is taking your passing really hard.  His guilt over not coming to see you is eating him up.  She says he’s skin and bones and constantly looks at the album and photos I sent to him.  He’s with Eric and your mom today.  Eric is still fighting with Kurt about the bs charges and the attorney told him he’d drop them for $2000.  We all know Kurt just wants money.  He’s so much like your father.  PURE EVIL!  I guess Bob is clinging to the only brother he has left, since they have both disowned Kurt for his crap.  Your mom is comfortable and they finally ran Erin off by not letting her call & make her upset.

I think I’ll make the Christmas cards this weekend and get them ready for mailing on the first.  I’m up to 4 miles on my bike and am thinking I may have to do something else to help with the “getting better” health.  This past week has been hard.  The pain has been excruciating in my face.  I’ve prayed for death.  I’m still here. 😀

Made a small turkey, walnut cranberry stuffing, rutabaga, green bean casserole, my creamy smashed potatoes, gravy and rolls.  Ian stuffed himself.  Turkey fell off the bone.

I think I’m going to sing today.  Maybe it will help.  Maybe it won’t.  We shall see.  Miss you, big guy.  Guard those gates well, Marine.  I’ll see you when I get there.  XO

FFCC Drumline Competitions

From January to the end of March, we have a short Winter season called “Indoor Drumline” which is fun for the high school musicians (drummers) looking for an outlet. The ensemble is a competitive unit whose goal is to obtain the highest and most precise level of training and performance in marching percussion.

This year was our first experience with indoor.  It’s been GREAT!  Our high school entered 4 stages of the competition and took third place in the first 3 and 5th place in the last which we competed with a larger number of teams.

Our show, “Pathways” had a pit with marimbas, vibes, guitars, gong, large drum, chimes, keyboard & drum kit and a battery of 9 members, 3 snares, 5 bass and one tenor.  The show is around five minutes of time.  The performers routine is performed on a tarp.  From the time the unit steps into the performance area, they are timed for setup and graded on the time and their performance routine.  Costumes were designed and worn and the kids did wonderful!

We had four cars with 17 kids to take around the state to compete.  Our crew was great and the parents who drove were very supportive.  Every member did a great job of making the show a success and I was so proud of them all.  This smaller, tighter group of performers worked really hard to accomplish so much in such a small amount of time.

We ended in Daytona Beach for the FFCC championship and a weekend spent away.  We came back with our 5th place placard and a sense of real accomplishment.

Marching Season Over

So, this Marching Band season is over. We had our Homecoming game on Friday (Halloween) and the kids packed away their uniforms. What a great season!!! They won their first competition and got Superior at the MPA’s. The band did an outstanding job this year. I was so proud of them and their accomplishments.

My son’s next adventure this school year is trying out for Drumline. I purchased him a marching snare drum for his birthday so that he can practice, rehearse and enjoy his talents. He is so loving exploring his abilities to perform.

Ian has made friends, I’ve become the “Band Mom” that a lot of the kids love and life is good. So many good kids are in the band and if it wasn’t for all the “chatting” they do, they would have been a lot farther than they were mid season. Anyway, these kids did an outstanding job on their season. The music was outstanding. They performed 3 Latin numbers that just worked so well. The show itself looked wonderful and from the guard to the dancers, the performers did a wonderful job.

Can you tell I’m a proud mom? Well, I am!!!!

Highlights of the season: They had a competition at one of the locale HS’s and took first place trophies in every category for their division. A total of 7 trophies were awarded for music, performance, drumline, marching, visuals and stuff. It was great. They worked so hard and deserved it all.

At MPA’s they were the first band to receive a Superior grade. All those who performed before them were only rated at Good. I was so happy for them. One of the other mom’s wrote all the bands scores and we got the highest of them all. So, we went home very happy.

A young man moved to our area from up north (Ohio) and is also a drummer. He’s 2 inches shorter than my son, is slim and wears glasses and they call him my son’s twin. It’s so funny. Ian told me that he’s also in his Jazz band class and out of three songs, Ian gave him one to play for their concert. Unfortunately, this young man does not want to be in Florida, so his attitude is terrible and I feel sorry for him and his situation.

I’m really enjoying the experience, even when things did not go so well. At the first competition I got incredibly sick with pain and by the time I got home from a day long event, I was ready for death. Took me two days to recover. UGH! Overall, it was just an awesome experience for us and we’re anticipating what will come next.

Blackfoot Concert

Blackfoot at Ballyorney Pub, Ft. Myers

Last night, I my son and friend to see Blackfoot at a local pub who was featuring 3 bands in their parking lot. We LOVE Blackfoot. My son takes lessons with the band’s manager, Eric and we support his efforts 100% by attending their local events.

Last night was their best show. Sean Chamber (lead singer/guitar), Tim Rossi (Lead guitar), Brian Carpenter (Bass) and Michael Cannizzaro (Drums) rocked the crowd for over an hour at the Ballyorney. From the moment they stepped on stage to the last note played, they gave a spectacular performance that had the crowd singing along, chanting and rockin’ out.

From the dueling guitars of Tim & Brian, a brilliant lead vocalist and great drum solo, they were well worth the entrance fee and more. But it wasn’t over yet! They exit the stage, leaving Brian alone to showcase his talents on the bass and the crowd went wild. Not to be upstaged, Tim, the showman of the band, rocked out on his guitar and blew the crowd away with his National Anthem rendition. WOW! The encore was a show stopper and I have no idea how Molly Hatchet followed them; because they owned the night.

I took many photos of the guys and other than occasional person getting in the way of my shot, they weren’t half bad. As a matter of fact, Mike stole several for his own Facebook page and has been sharing them with his friends and fans.

Needless to say, we had a great time. We laughed, we sang, we enjoyed the night. My son got a shirt and is already looking forward to their next performance. We’re hoping to catch a rehearsal or two with them at the Music Studio soon.

Blackfoot is leaving for Europe the first of December and we wish them good luck on their gig’s there. We just love’em. 🙂