No Place Like Home

After renting our current home for the last 7 years, it’s time to move on.  With my income being reduced and our rent being increased, we were kind of forced to make a change.  We began hunting for a new rental with a lower rent that accepts doggies.  No luck.

I began thinking about looking into buying a house. I contacted a Veteran’s Mortgage Broker and got preapproved for a mortgage and began my journey back to buy a house in May.  They recommended a Veteran realty specialist in my area who knew the ins and outs of acceptable residence for VA approval.  My son and I found many great places; but one by one, they showed to be “unworthy” for one reason or another.

Amid this chaos, I was also seeing an ENT and an ear neurologist to help with my ear infection and increased balance issues.  As of yesterday, I’m continuing this journey without answers.

Today, I received notice that once the insurance quote and written appraisal report comes in that the underwriter will take the file on for approval of my mortgage.  I’ve already received preapproval for it all from the underwriter, so we’re set and progressing toward our August 2nd closing date.

YES!  We found a house!  YEAH!

It’s half the size of our current place, with a nice back yard for the pups.  It’s an older home; but passed inspection with ease due to the owner’s complete restoration of the home over the last year.  It will be the same distance to the college my son is attending as our current location, without the toll he’d have to pay each day at present.  Another plus!  The home is 3 bedrooms and one bathroom; but with our schedules, that isn’t going to be a problem.

I am half way to having the house packed up.  It’s hard to do more than a few hours at a time for me; but I’m getting there.  I have time.  I have 1/2 a garage full of donated items for the Salvation Army that I’ll schedule for pick up on the 26th of the month.  I’m excited for this new adventure.

I’m having the property deeded in both our names so if anything happens to me, my son won’t have to pay inheritance tax on the property.

I’ve sketched out plans for the yard, to include an area for a firepit and plants around the front and back.  These are plans that I’ll implement over time so I have things to do around the house to keep me busy.  No need to rush anything, just busy work.

Next week, my son is going to drive out to get my niece and nephew with my father.  My father is excited about the road trip and even my son is looking forward to their time together.  I’m so proud of my son.  He’s gotten his driver’s license and has even had his first solo adventure with the car.

Last weekend, we went to DCI in Orlando.  We saw my son’s HS band director there with his wife.  We hung out with them while waiting during a lightning delay (two 30 min. periods).  His wife and I will be getting together next week for lunch when things are less busy for both of us.   I love these two so much.  Such great people. ❤

DCI was great.  So fun to watch these wonderful musicians play their routines and compete against themselves for greater performance of their craft.  My son loves the Blue Coats.  Me, I love the Cadets out of PA.  They have such beautiful shows.  I especially loved the one they did last season most of all.  They always incorporate singing in their shows and I just love their choir.

God has so blessed my son and me.  He’s lead me to a great house.  He’s helped me through this daunting process.  He’s held me together on the days I’ve wanted to just fall apart.  My life has been a series of ups and downs.  My life has been in turmoil more than peace.  It’s made me a much stronger woman and I am grateful to God that He has made me this way.  He is so beautiful and so rewarding and so very loved by me.  I can not imagine making this journey without Him.

I dedicate my life to serving Him in all I do.  I bring glory to His name by sharing my testimony with others on His faithfulness.  He is my everything.  With Him, I rise above.  Without Him, I fall and can’t get up.  I am not perfect.  I fail Him daily; but I know that each new day brings new grace, new strength, new abilities and renewed love from Him.  Nothing can change that and nothing will make me doubt Him.

Our corgi is dying.  He’s not eating, just drinking.  He’s having trouble walking and sleeping more and more.  I’ve seen the signs before and want him to go peacefully, here with us.  We have discussed this at great lengths and we both agree that unless he begins to cry out in pain and suffering, he’ll stay here with us, until the end.  We both love him so much and want what is best for him.  He will be missed so very much.

Until we meet again…..

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Summertime…..

Here we are, on the cusp of summertime and so begins the rains.  We’ve been lucky thus far that its rained only at night so far; but I’m sure the normal afternoon monsoons will start soon.

My son & I have been looking at new places to live and we may have found one.  We shall have to wait and see if all goes well.  It’s been a tough couple of weeks with us finding, then viewing, then finding more places and viewing, in a seemingly endless cycle of disappointments.

What has made these trips worse has been the fact that my ear infections have progressed to the “worse” stage and my vertigo is strongly asserting itself into my life and causing me intense dizziness to the point of severe nausea.  Not even sea sickness bands or tablets have provided any relief at all.  It’s a nightmare.  My only hope is that next week, when the ENT places tubes in my ears, it will help.

My son passed his driving test today, so he’s finally street legal.  Finally got an appt with the advisor at the college.  Looking good for the scholarship to pay for it and we’re working toward being settled into a new place before he starts in August.

Today’s prize was that everything seemed to be going our way.  I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Ha, ha.

The places we looked at today:  first one a total bust.  Bad neighborhood, duplex, small and not a good place for the pups to live.  Not happy with it at all.  The second place was nice.  Spacious, nice flooring, good neighborhood, quaint, great fenced back yard for the pups and we both agreed we like it.

Cons:  Needs washer, dryer, microwave and  chicken wire for the fence.  The fence is a nice wooden one; but my baby, Honi, could slip right between the slats, so we’ll have to put up some chicken wire, about 2 feet from the ground up, to prevent her from escaping.  There are 6 foot privacy fences on both neighbor’s sides.  Not a bad little place.  I can see the potential of me building up the landscape in the back yard.  The yard is just big enough for us to let the pups out for their thing and for any BBQ we may want to do out their.

However, with all the things I need to do for the place, which isn’t a whole lot, I look forward to doing them.  I also need to do some more packing.  I’ve gone and reduced the number of storage tubs I’ve had in the garage and added a bunch more stuff to the donation boxes.  My craft room will be my biggest challenge; but I’m up to it.

I’ve been looking at storage solutions, room ideas, decorating ideas and more, just wanting to change things up a bit.  I look forward to the challenges.  Of course, my son has many friends who have volunteered to assist us with the move and I am grateful that they’re on board with helping us out.  I definitely couldn’t do it without them.

Last Friday, we went to see Incredibles 2 with one of my son’s friends.  Not bad for a sequel.  It’s great how they will only produce quality stories. I’ve heard that Cars 2 is crap; but since I didn’t care for Cars to begin with, I never watched the other 2 they put out.  Anyway, we laughed so hard at the humor and cheered on the supers before going home satisfied with the movie.

My partner at church will be gone for the last two weeks of July and first two weeks  of August, so I’ll be “THE” AV gal.  My son will take care of the sound portion and we’ll work as a team.

This past week, I watched as our drummer, (the man who had a stroke back in October, whom my son was subbing for) playing like his old self.  So great to see where God took him in his health care journey.  We are all so grateful that he is back in the band and my son will be his “sub” when he can’t make it in.  Such a blessing.  God is so good! ❤

Our Pastor was able to come back to church on Saturday as well.  He’s been out the last two weeks with stomach issues that seem to be resolving.  YEAH! We have an associate Pastor working with us the rest of the summer with our band in order to give our Pastor a break.  Another blessing in our lives.  God is so Good!!!

My love of this church family is so overwhelming.  I absolutely adore them and look forward to the days when we get together.  I cannot think of a better family dynamic than ours.  We pray together, we share our lives, we cry, we laugh, we love, we learn and we worship the Father, all while singing the praises of the great I AM.  We are small; but mighty.

On this journey we call life, don’t forget Who put us here and how much He loves us.

People. Am I right?

So, today I am on my way home.  I stopped at the traffic light to make the left hand turn into my neighborhood.  A black car was in front of me at the light.  No big deal.  We turned when the signal arrow lit up green and turned into the neighborhood.  The car in front of me turns and drives; but at only 10 MPH.  I’m confused; but what can I do?  I notice that the guy in the back seat keeps turning his head to look at me.  The driver then stops the car, blocking my driveway so I can’t pull into it.  I’m mad; but all I do is turn on my blinker.  The car pulls up just enough to let me get in my driveway.

I get out of the car and the passenger window comes down.  Turns out it is the crazy woman who’s parents live across the street from me and her kids.  She starts screaming at me about me speeding in the neighborhood (which I was far from doing behind their car) and proceeded to call me a “Renter” and “Drunk”, as if those are bad things.  First of all, I am not a drinker.  As a matter of fact, I can’t remember the last time alcohol was in my house.  (It had to be at least 2 years and not mine) I just had to laugh.

The son, who had gotten out of the car, jumped into a white car in their driveway, started it up, pulled it in front of my driveway and revved the engine at me and spewed obscenitiesv qq, like I’m supposed to be afraid or something.  I have no idea what that was supposed to do to me; but scare or intimidate me it did not.

I did tell her off, having lost my temper by their intentional provoking. It has been many years (at least 3 or more) since I had an incident with them.  The parents, an older couple who own the house, are such nice people and we wave when we see each other.  She is not a nice woman.  She’s always so hostile.

I begged God’s forgiveness for losing my temper, for allowing their provocation to cause me to anger.  I was disappointed in myself for letting them get to me.  I should have just ignored them completely.  They are not worth the trouble. Apparently they’ve held a grudge for the last several years over a tiny mishap and that is just sad, especially since we were both in the wrong and both of us should have been cited; but were not.  At the time of our minor accident, she called me all kinds of vile names and I said not a word.

With the incident on Sunday when a man got angry that I was not moving fast enough to cross the street and now this woman, I do believe that people are crazy!  I don’t mean all of them; but a good number of them have a screw lose.  There is so much anger and hostility and I want no part of it.  I want to live a life without this kind of crap.  SMH.

I don’t mess with my neighbors.  I keep to myself.  I have too many things to do and am not in the least bit concerned about what my neighbors do or say.

I’m a busy woman.  I’m a volunteer.  I run audio/video for my church’s weekly service and help my pastor.  I am a good person and I don’t look for trouble.  I hope I am out of the line of fire; but only God knows.  All I can do is pray and let God handle the situation.

One day, I’ll be in paradise and not have to worry about any of this.

Suicide is not an option……

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I know I’ve mentioned it before; but in case you didn’t remember, I’ve escaped death 7 times.  Yup, that’s right.  Faced it, died, & survived.  God was not finished with me yet.  I still have work to do on this planet and despite living in immense amounts of pain, I still have a purpose.

It’s hard being me.  With a million and one reasons to die, I still live.  Take the Trigeminal Neuralgia.  It’s nickname is “The Suicide Disease” because it is listed as the most painful disease in the world.  This year marks my 25 year as a sufferer for 24/7 365 days of torment. That is more than 1/2 of my life.  It sucks.  A neurologist once commented on how surprised he was that I was still alive; because so many don’t last as long as I have with the severity that I suffer with it.

However, trying to end it all is not an option.  Even though I have been hurt by those who love me, I just can’t do the same to them.  Plus, I love my son too much to leave him with that kind of legacy.  Heck, shortly after being discharged for the TN, a friend of my sister’s killed himself.  This led to a discussion between my other sister and father about the subject.  My father said he’d never forgive the person who did it and my sister told him that the only one she would forgive is me.  She just couldn’t imagine living my life.  This knocked me for a loop.  They had no idea I had tried a year earlier and lived.  They had no idea that upon waking that I figured out that God had another purpose for me and ending my life was not one of them, this being his second time for saving me from death.

I remember when my friend tried and I called an ambulance for him.  I remember how much it hurt me that he tried to give up on his life.  He suffered terribly with PTSD and drank and overate and the list goes on.  His health deteriorated and he passed a year ago.  His attempt hit me hard.  He told me to “get over it”; because it had nothing to do with me.  I was not permitted to feel anything over this situation.  I was not permitted to do anything; but suffer silently.

That’s the thing.  When facing suicide, the person contemplating it doesn’t see anyone but themselves.   Some use it as a cry for help.  Some truly want to die.  Some want pity.  Some need attention.  Some succeed.  And some destroy those around them by leaving behind so many unanswered questions, guilt, heartbreak, nightmares, and more.

Suicide is more than taking a life.  It is destroying those who love and care for you.  There is nothing so bad in this life that dying is the only answer!!!!  You will have your heart torn out of your chest, stomped on and left in the dirt by someone you love.  Time will heal your heart and God will fill in the gaps.  You will get fired.  You will lose a loved one.  You will crash your car, be homeless, have no money, or a million other tragedies and you can survive!

Several years ago, I came across a link to an article bearing a familiar name.  It was about a young Marine who was over in the Gulf and lost both legs.  On the page was a photo of the young man as a boy with his two sisters.  I took that picture.  It was one Thanksgiving over in Japan.  The beautiful, smiling face stared back at me and the memories of my time overseas, with this family, flashed before me.  I held that boy in my arms and read to him.  I baby sat him.  I worked with his dad.

As I read the article, I found out about what his community was doing for him as a disabled veteran.  His mother recalled how this young man was such a happy go lucky person and that despite this “setback” he was still that same guy.  The once 6′ 3″ man was now closer to half that tall, uses a wheelchair most of the time, is an encouragement to those he knows and to those he doesn’t.  What to some is a horrible disability, to him is a life.  He even visits other veterans and offers encouragement to them in their own situations.  I’m so impressed with this young man and even contacted him.

Suicide was NOT an option.  His wife and child believe this as well.

You will face tragedy, that is a sure thing.  You can and will survive.  So many times, I’ve reached out to God in conversation about the life I have led and why I had to go through so much heartache.  Though He gives no answers, I am comforted by the fact that He loves me so much that he won’t even allow me to die.  I am that important.

I have been hated by my parents and sisters.  I have been molested by a sick uncle.  I was forcibly raped and brutalized.  I was beaten and abused.  I have been cheated on by a man who “vowed” to love me forever.  He nearly killed me.  I have been lied to, ignored, verbally abused, and I am still here.  I have stared evil in the face and I am still here.  I have sacrificed my needs and wants to care for others who would never do the same for me.  I have saved lives and I have held the hands of those who slipped away from this life.  I have lived in hell and yet, I am still HERE!

After my failed attempt, I accepted that God has an important job for me here.  So, I thrived and survived all this world has thrown at me.  I have risen up out of the ashes of my past in order to show the world what triumph is.  I kneel at the foot of my Father’s throne and arise, wearing the full armor of the Lord so that I may battle the forces of evil.  I am a warrior!  I am the phoenix!  I am the SURVIVOR!!!

Suicide is NOT an option!

World Gone Mad

From the NFL taking a knee, the current hatred of the President and everyone offended by any and everybody that doesn’t agree with them, this world has fallen into sheer madness.  I never thought I’d see the day when it was okay to report news that is half truths, personal attacks and complete dishonesty.  SMH!

If you are not happy with someone or want to hurt someone, whip out your phone, record them and send it viral.  There is no such thing as privacy anymore and you never know when even the most innocent actions are recorded and sent viral.

She’s too fat.  He’s too skinny.  Look at all those tattoos!  What a monster!!  Body shaming, sexual disorientation and GMO’s turning food into crap, it’s a wonder we’re all still alive.  Add to that the fact that when someone cries out for help, they turn the victim into a predator who asked for it and we wonder why our children are confused, inconsiderate brats.

Good is bad, bad is good and even the most innocent of gestures are turned into civil rights violations, we’re heading straight to hell.

I posted on Facebook about my unhappiness with the NFL’s protest to take a knee in the workplace.  I am a retired US Marine and I am offended by the way “million dollar babies” are taking a knee on the field and not doing anything about the problem when they’re off the field.  A friend was quick to point out that a veteran was the one who gave the suggestion to Colin in the first place.  I DON’T CARE!  It was wrong no matter who suggested it and that it continues is just going to kill their franchise in the end.

Am I supposed to feel shamed that a vet was the one who made the suggestion?  Hell no!  Is my opinion less valuable than yours?  Hell no!  Wrong is wrong.  If I am making money off of you, for entertainment purposes, I will entertain.  My opinion has no baring.  Further, if I was working at McDonalds and you ordered a hamburger and I’m a vegan, do I have the right to tell you that I will not serve you?  Hell no!  My job is to provide a service, not lecture you on how offended I am that you eat meat.

In the same spirit, once I clock out, I can protest up the street in the meat packing district about how killing animals for food is bad.  I am no longer on the job, getting paid; but out in the world, sharing my dislike.

We’re the laughing stock of the world.  Our country has always been known as the land of opportunity; but what opportunity do you have when everything is considered offensive?  We were founded on freedom.  You want to worship God, go ahead.  You want to worship satan?  Go ahead.  You want to voice an opinion?  Go for it.  You want to own a gun?  You can.

The problem we face today, however; is that people want us to conform to where they come from, their traditions or religion.   Or people want us to surrender our weapons.  Your opinion is invalid if it doesn’t match that of the minor elite.

My cousin loves to voice her opinion on everything.  Lord help the person who makes a negative comment on her comment, she’ll go postal on them.  She’s a staunch believer that her voice counts.  She faces bullies on the internet with regularity.  (I think she may even thrive on it, LOL!)

I am sadden by this country and this world.  We’re quick to judge, unforgiving and want our cake and to eat it, too.  I fear we’re on a crash course to implosion and all I can do is pray that God blesses and saves us from ourselves.

I fear for the fate of this nation and world.  Kiddie porn, rape, abuse, sex slaves and more are on the rise and we’re powerless to do a thing about it.  Offensive behavior is the norm and destruction is everywhere.  We don’t build up, we tear down.  Makes me want to become a mountain hermit.

Only God can help us now.

Not My America

It’s a sad day here in the USA.  It seems that the whole country has gone mad.  It is no longer “My America” any longer.

My America is beautiful.  We’re diverse, we’re proud, we’re free and we’re grateful to those who paved the way.  My America is color blind, kind and gives a helping hand.  My America salutes the flag, kneels before God and stands proud to claim to be American.

Growing up in America, I was raised in a small town in New York with only one traffic light, best friends who were black, Puerto Rican and Jewish, went to church on Sunday at our local Catholic church and even attended more than one Saturday evening in the Synagogue, worshiping with my best friend, Heather.

In the summer, we all swam in the lake and winters skating on that same lake.  We had numerous sleep overs, hikes up the mountain and overnight camping trips to various locations with the folks.  I’ve marched in many a Veteran’s and Memorial Day parades as a girl scout and attended more than one function at the local American Legion Post and our Elks Lodge.

I respected my elders and God forbid I gave them sass, because my Mom and Dad would find out and I’d be in deep waters.    I volunteered to help others.  I made regular visits to my grandparents and celebrated holidays like Christmas and Easter in school!  It did not matter that my best friends were white, black and of Indian descent, all that mattered to us was that we liked each other and had the same interests.

We were poor and I never even knew it.  We were on the Government Cheese program where the government brought the dairy surplus from farmers and gave it to those in need.  We got it monthly and even cut the mold off it to eat it when we had it for so long that it began to go bad.  I wore hand-me-downs from my cousins and most of them were male.  LOL!

I was bullied.  I was beaten up by both girls and boys.  I worked it out.  I liked everyone; but not everyone liked me.  My parents didn’t fight my battles, they made me do it myself.  They didn’t involve themselves in kid fight; because kids make up and parents are still angry and it’s over kid stuff.

We celebrated our differences; but we also joined together in our solidarity as Americans.  It is the old school, hometown values that made this country great.

Big Jim and Tiny were the local gay couple we all knew were gay and that you could call on them for help if you needed it.  They also had a cool steam engine in their front yard, which was so cool.  A good friend of the family, a man named Niles, was Jamaican and the darkest skinned man I ever knew and we called him “Uncle” because he was like an uncle to us kids.  We knew to be home by the time the street lights came on and we were hardly ever at home; but out playing and enjoying the fresh air.

If a person wore a uniform, they were an authority figure and we had better behave or we’d be in trouble.  We knew most of the town police and firemen.  They knew who we were, too.  We could walk or ride our bikes anywhere.  We were safe.  We were home.

It’s why I, myself, put on the uniform and served this great nation.  To protect and serve.  To honor what those who came before me had already established so that my children could enjoy the same rights as I did.  And yet, here I am, raising my son in a country I don’t even recognize.  I also have to state that in Sept & Oct 2016, I received a flag for two fallen Marines, both of which served Honorably and passed.

People are killing people for being different.  People are disrespectful to each other.  People are rude and self – centered, self – obsessed, and selfish.  People move to this country and think we need to change to fit into a mold of the country they left.  If it is so important to you to have your customs, why did you leave?  Why should I have to adopt your customs and values?

When I was stationed overseas, I had to adapt to their local customs and ways.  I didn’t go their expecting them to change their laws and customs to accommodate me.  I was expected to follow their ways.  As a matter of fact, everyone who does go to a foreign country in the military, has to go through a weeks worth of orientation before going to their commands so that no one can say they were unaware of local laws, customs and traditions.  Ignorance of the law is no excuse.

With all that has changed in the last 15 years or so, I’m not sure that we’re going to be able to bring this country back to it’s former glory.  It’s a shame.  Yes,  there are problems; but violence doesn’t help.  Protesting doesn’t help.  Treating people with disrespect doesn’t help.  We have to work together in order to work it out.

What I do know is all of this discord is tearing our nation apart.  I’m saddened and wanted so much more for my son.  I’m hurting for our children.  I’m hurting for the country I so love.  I’m hurting for those who are hurting.  I just want my country back.

I’m a Pittsburgh Steelers fan.  Today, not so much.  I was disappointed in the fact that they refrained from even entering the field for the National Anthem.  These men are paid to perform.  They are not a political organization.  They are overpriced showman.  It’s the same with actors/actresses.  They’re paid performers.  They make more than the average American does to entertain us.  Why are we giving them the power to do this?  We need to cut them off.

 

 

 

Irma

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After living through a Cat 4 Typhon in Japan in 1992, Hurricane Ivan (Cat 5) in Pensacola in 2004 and Dennis (Cat 3) in 2005, I think I’m ready for Irma.  My son & I cleared the lanai, froze water in the freezer and have food, so we’re as ready as can be.  My landlord is coming to put up the shutters and we’ll be ready.  We live in a concrete block house, so I’m thinking the only thing may go is the roof.

Okay, bitch!  Let’s get this party started!!!!!!

Listening to music, singing my heart out and waiting.  And, we all know how much I hate to wait!!! LOL!

School’s been cancelled, my son is thrilled.  I’m in continuous prayer for our safety and the safety of the people who may be impacted by this storm.  My prayer is that the storm will keep moving eastward and zip on out into the Atlantic.  We can always hope.

I’m so hoping it won’t impact us; because on Sept. 24th I have tickets to Zac Brown Band in Tampa & I’d hate to have to miss it. 😦  Anyway, we shall see.  We shall see!

A week ago, I joined “Slimming World”.  It’s an online weight loss group with online meetings, accountability to a group and support when you need it.  I lost 11 lbs this past week.  Holy crap!  I’m sticking to it and have about 90 lbs to go.  Now, as long as I don’t got back on steroids, I should be able to do this.

The parental units are in Georgia, out of harms way.  Mother states the hotel is a fleabag; but at least they’re safe.  Her and the father are fighting; but I know it is because he lost a good friend on Friday and is just being his usual asshole self to everyone.  Not that he has a right to be an ass; but you know how it is.  He just can’t help himself.

 

Thinking, thinking, thinking…..

Sometimes my brain just can’t shut down.  Drives me nuts!!!  Lately I’ve been trying to figure out why so many people, including my family, have no love for me.  It is baffling.

Now, I have to mention, I have reconciled all of these things.  I have forgiven everyone and let it all go.  This is just me trying to figure it out.  I mean, am I such a terrible person?  I don’t think so; but these things happened.  So, why?

I was raised by two people who, despite me loving with all my heart, didn’t like me.  My mother’s favorite thing to say to me, until I finally confronted her about it when I was 26 years old, was “I hate you.  I wish you’d never been born.”  She also used to sing a song about wanting to stick me in a garbage can, because I wasn’t worth a damn.  She told me, for the last time, “I hate you.  I wish you’d never been born,” to which I finally replied.  “I know.  I have known for the last 26 years.  I wish you had had an abortion instead of having me.  I can’t help it that I am here.  I’m sorry you hate me.”   She never said it again and continues, to this day, to make sure to tell me she loves me.

My father considers me a burden on his life.  He once told a friend that I am a vengeful person, who plots out ways to hurt other people.  He told me that I am a cold, cold woman; because I got upset that my ex was a cheating abuser.  He stated that I am a liar, thought I live in honesty.  He’s stated that I am the biggest problem in the family, whom no one likes.  He’s stated that I cause trouble; because I love to do it.  I am mean spirited and hateful.  He has also stated that I got what I deserved when my ex beat me nearly to death.  The person who he told this to lived with me for 9 years and never saw any of this in me.  He even told my own son, while they were vacationing at my sister’s home, that I was a horrible person.  Not to mention that my sister tagged on by saying it was my fault in 2010 that we left early, despite the fact that my father made the decision after she cursed out my mother.

I’ve had friends that have used me horribly and then went about speaking ill of me and I have no idea why.  Baffles my mind.  Yes, I am outspoken.  Yes, I speak the truth even when it hurts.  But that is no reason to be hateful to me.  Sorry, I don’t sugar coat it.

I have given people the shirt off my back (so to speak) and still been bad mouthed.  What I have figured out, though, is that I AM a good person.  I am not what others think of me.  I am who God says I am, not others.  I have taken in strangers in order to help.  I have forgiven people who have gone back and hurt me again, only for me to forgive again.  I paid my friend’s rent for two months, took her in when evicted and still, she treated me like I was so much mud under her feet.  I’ve given freely with my time, my money, my love, my possessions, only to have others treat me like crap!

I’ve come to the conclusion that the problem belongs to them, not me.  I am not the problem, it is they who have a problem in which they need to address.  It is their minds and mental defects that have given them the problem and I am just the one who has become their target.  I pray for them.  I don’t know what else to do; but that.

I have moved on from those who have hurt me terribly.  I don’t owe them anything.  I don’t let them have rent free space in my head anymore, except when I have sleepless nights of trying to figure out the whole human psyche.  LOL!  What makes them tick?  I may never know.  I am merely curious as to “why”.

 

The Book of Henry

SPOILERS!!!  If you haven’t seen it and want to, don’t read any further.

An 11-year-old boy genius named Henry Carpenter, and his younger brother, Peter, are raised by their single mother, Susan, a waitress who is working on writing children’s picture books. Henry has used his intellect to invest successfully in the stock market, building up a very substantial nest egg for his family. Henry and Susan both like their next-door neighbor (and Henry’s classmate), Christina, who has recently become sad.

Henry realizes that Christina is being abused by her stepfather, Glenn, the local police commissioner. Henry reports the abuse to the authorities, but Glenn has connections throughout the local government, and Henry is unable to get the authorities or the school to launch a serious investigation that would protect Christina.

Henry decides to come up with his own plan to rescue Christina; but after having a seizure and being diagnosed with a brain tumor, he passes away.  Henry does, however, leave behind a “fail proof” plan to kill off Glenn in a red notebook he leaves behind.

This notebook, along with a cassette tape, tells Susan – step by step – how she can kill Glenn, get away with his murder, rescue Christina and get custody of her afterward.

Susan reads the notebook and after going through the same disappointing steps as Henry has in reporting the abuse, realizes she has to follow through with the plan.  She gets all the way up to having Glenn in her scope and can’t pull the trigger.  Instead, she confronts the man and tells him she knows what he’s doing, she has proof and she is going to take him down.  He scoffs at the idea; because of who he is and she stands firm.

Her “alibi” is the kid’s talent competition at school, where both Peter and Christina perform.  While watching Christina perform a heartbreaking dance, the Principal finally sees what Henry has been telling her all along and calls the authorities.  As the police come to arrest Glenn, he takes the cowards way out and kills himself instead of facing up to what he has done to an 11-year-old girl.  Susan does get to adopt Christina in the end.

My 17-year-old son & I watched this movie and I wish I had brought more tissues with me.  The abuse and Henry’s death about kill me in the tears department.  We discuss the film on our way to Chili’s to get dinner.

Personally, I would have taken the shot.  Even though I know this is morally wrong, even though I would question my Salvation in Christ, I would have taken the shot.  To me, this man is a monster and I would become judge, jury and executioner, especially if I were emotionally involved.  I’d also try harder with authorities before even thinking of executing such a plan.  I’m just glad this was fiction.

My son lost all respect for Susan when she bailed on the plan.  Didn’t matter that it ended up okay in the end, he thought she should have finished the plan.  “What if Glen didn’t kill himself and he made Susan lose Peter or made her life hell?” was his reasoning.  I can understand.

For me, monsters like that need to be executed.  They do not rehabilitate.  They do not repent and they do not change.  These predators just find another way to offend and  are better off dead.  I’m talking about grown men who prey on little girls and boys.  Children who cannot consent to being molested.  The children who can’t defend themselves against this type of cruelty.    Men or women who use children for sexual gratification have something wrong with them, in my mind, and deserve the death penalty.  Even if chemically castrated, you can’t stop the thoughts and the numerous other ways they can still abuse a child.

In this day and age, children are forced to grow up way to soon as it is.  It is heartbreaking that so many fall through the cracks as it is.  Children are precious.  I spent the first 8 years of my sons life protecting him from his father and I still didn’t do enough.  I know if he molested my son, I would have killed him.  I am only grateful we escaped with our lives and are free.  His father is deceased now and we no longer live in fear.

I’m Not Ashamed

This evening, I watched the movie, “I’m Not Ashamed”.  It is the Rachael Scott movie.  Rachel was the first person killed in the attack at Columbine High School on April 20, 1999.  I did not intend to watch this movie.  Nope, nada, no way!  Never wanted to watch it at all.  EVER!

I guess I have to go back to April 20, 1999 to explain my reason.  I was living in Navarre, FL at the time, sitting on my love seat, watching the event unfold on my television, just like a lot of people did that day.  I was also 3 1/2 months pregnant with my son.

I sat and watched what I thought was the most horrific act of humanity I had seen in a very long time unfold before my eyes as the world went insane.  I cried countless tears that day over 13 lost souls and for the two young men who ultimately took their own lives.  I was a mess.  I did not sit and blame anyone for this tragedy.  I hurt for the gunmen as well as their victims.  I was angry.  I was upset; but most of all, I was scared.

I was afraid to have my son.  I was afraid to bring a child into a world so out of control that children were killing children.  Of course, this was not the first time that children had killed children.  As a matter of fact, as a 14 year old girl, I babysat for a family whose first child had been killed, at the age of four, by another child with a gun in the home.  Life is not fair.  Events happen for reasons.  Sometimes those reasons make no sense.  Sometimes they do.  Sometimes we can’t see the reason until it has long passed us by.

Nearly 18 years ago, as I watched this on live T.V. I was extremely distraught.  I could not believe that I was going to bring a child into this craziness.  I didn’t want to do it.  I was terrified.  I worried over my baby.  I became hyper vigilant over his well being.  I really believe at this time in my life, if I had been able, I would have kept him safely inside of myself forever.  Life doesn’t always follow our desires and I’m sure that by now, if he were still inside of me, I’d look pretty weird.  LOL!

I did finally get my anxiety under control and did bring him into the world safely and have been protecting him ever since.  Sometimes that hasn’t always been the right thing and I did have to learn to let go of my iron fisted control.  I have allowed him to become an independent young man (grudgingly) and support him in his dreams.

“I’m Not Ashamed” is a “Pure Flix” movie.  I saw it at Redbox and decided to rent it, not realizing that it was about Rachel Scott.  I just love to watch P.F. movies.  I do not think I would have rented it had I realized it was about Columbine.  I knew I’d cry.  I knew I’d remember that day.  I didn’t want to go back and become paralyzed with fear.

Several minutes into the movie, when I realized what is was about, the tears began to stream down my face.  Miss Honi jumped into my lap and offered me comfort throughout the entire length and I got many kisses and snuggles.  She’s an angel.

I watched a young woman go from faithful to questioning her faith to faithful once again.  I watched her help those in need.  I watched her compassion, heartbreak, struggle and growth.  Excerpts from her journals were read throughout.  We got first hand knowledge of her deepest thoughts and feelings.  I got to know her on a personal level and she is the kind of gal a mom could be so proud to call daughter.

She was her own person and stood by what she believed in.  Rachel touched many lives.  She even told her best friend, Nathan, that she could not see her future, that she couldn’t see past the now, like she had no future.  However, she also stated that she wanted to touch peoples lives, make an impact in Jesus name.

Rachel Scott has reached millions and millions of people.  Her story, her faith and her death have touched the lives of so many, making the impact the young lady wanted in sharing her love for Jesus.  She died, standing by her convictions and love of Jesus.  She would not deny Him.

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man would lay down his life for his friends!”  John 15:13

Through great tragedy comes great hope.  Rachel Scott is an inspiration and I am glad I was able to get to know this remarkable young woman through this movie.  God has a plan for all of us.  He can turn a mess into a message.

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