Thinking, thinking, thinking…..

Sometimes my brain just can’t shut down.  Drives me nuts!!!  Lately I’ve been trying to figure out why so many people, including my family, have no love for me.  It is baffling.

Now, I have to mention, I have reconciled all of these things.  I have forgiven everyone and let it all go.  This is just me trying to figure it out.  I mean, am I such a terrible person?  I don’t think so; but these things happened.  So, why?

I was raised by two people who, despite me loving with all my heart, didn’t like me.  My mother’s favorite thing to say to me, until I finally confronted her about it when I was 26 years old, was “I hate you.  I wish you’d never been born.”  She also used to sing a song about wanting to stick me in a garbage can, because I wasn’t worth a damn.  She told me, for the last time, “I hate you.  I wish you’d never been born,” to which I finally replied.  “I know.  I have known for the last 26 years.  I wish you had had an abortion instead of having me.  I can’t help it that I am here.  I’m sorry you hate me.”   She never said it again and continues, to this day, to make sure to tell me she loves me.

My father considers me a burden on his life.  He once told a friend that I am a vengeful person, who plots out ways to hurt other people.  He told me that I am a cold, cold woman; because I got upset that my ex was a cheating abuser.  He stated that I am a liar, thought I live in honesty.  He’s stated that I am the biggest problem in the family, whom no one likes.  He’s stated that I cause trouble; because I love to do it.  I am mean spirited and hateful.  He has also stated that I got what I deserved when my ex beat me nearly to death.  The person who he told this to lived with me for 9 years and never saw any of this in me.  He even told my own son, while they were vacationing at my sister’s home, that I was a horrible person.  Not to mention that my sister tagged on by saying it was my fault in 2010 that we left early, despite the fact that my father made the decision after she cursed out my mother.

I’ve had friends that have used me horribly and then went about speaking ill of me and I have no idea why.  Baffles my mind.  Yes, I am outspoken.  Yes, I speak the truth even when it hurts.  But that is no reason to be hateful to me.  Sorry, I don’t sugar coat it.

I have given people the shirt off my back (so to speak) and still been bad mouthed.  What I have figured out, though, is that I AM a good person.  I am not what others think of me.  I am who God says I am, not others.  I have taken in strangers in order to help.  I have forgiven people who have gone back and hurt me again, only for me to forgive again.  I paid my friend’s rent for two months, took her in when evicted and still, she treated me like I was so much mud under her feet.  I’ve given freely with my time, my money, my love, my possessions, only to have others treat me like crap!

I’ve come to the conclusion that the problem belongs to them, not me.  I am not the problem, it is they who have a problem in which they need to address.  It is their minds and mental defects that have given them the problem and I am just the one who has become their target.  I pray for them.  I don’t know what else to do; but that.

I have moved on from those who have hurt me terribly.  I don’t owe them anything.  I don’t let them have rent free space in my head anymore, except when I have sleepless nights of trying to figure out the whole human psyche.  LOL!  What makes them tick?  I may never know.  I am merely curious as to “why”.

 

The Book of Henry

SPOILERS!!!  If you haven’t seen it and want to, don’t read any further.

An 11-year-old boy genius named Henry Carpenter, and his younger brother, Peter, are raised by their single mother, Susan, a waitress who is working on writing children’s picture books. Henry has used his intellect to invest successfully in the stock market, building up a very substantial nest egg for his family. Henry and Susan both like their next-door neighbor (and Henry’s classmate), Christina, who has recently become sad.

Henry realizes that Christina is being abused by her stepfather, Glenn, the local police commissioner. Henry reports the abuse to the authorities, but Glenn has connections throughout the local government, and Henry is unable to get the authorities or the school to launch a serious investigation that would protect Christina.

Henry decides to come up with his own plan to rescue Christina; but after having a seizure and being diagnosed with a brain tumor, he passes away.  Henry does, however, leave behind a “fail proof” plan to kill off Glenn in a red notebook he leaves behind.

This notebook, along with a cassette tape, tells Susan – step by step – how she can kill Glenn, get away with his murder, rescue Christina and get custody of her afterward.

Susan reads the notebook and after going through the same disappointing steps as Henry has in reporting the abuse, realizes she has to follow through with the plan.  She gets all the way up to having Glenn in her scope and can’t pull the trigger.  Instead, she confronts the man and tells him she knows what he’s doing, she has proof and she is going to take him down.  He scoffs at the idea; because of who he is and she stands firm.

Her “alibi” is the kid’s talent competition at school, where both Peter and Christina perform.  While watching Christina perform a heartbreaking dance, the Principal finally sees what Henry has been telling her all along and calls the authorities.  As the police come to arrest Glenn, he takes the cowards way out and kills himself instead of facing up to what he has done to an 11-year-old girl.  Susan does get to adopt Christina in the end.

My 17-year-old son & I watched this movie and I wish I had brought more tissues with me.  The abuse and Henry’s death about kill me in the tears department.  We discuss the film on our way to Chili’s to get dinner.

Personally, I would have taken the shot.  Even though I know this is morally wrong, even though I would question my Salvation in Christ, I would have taken the shot.  To me, this man is a monster and I would become judge, jury and executioner, especially if I were emotionally involved.  I’d also try harder with authorities before even thinking of executing such a plan.  I’m just glad this was fiction.

My son lost all respect for Susan when she bailed on the plan.  Didn’t matter that it ended up okay in the end, he thought she should have finished the plan.  “What if Glen didn’t kill himself and he made Susan lose Peter or made her life hell?” was his reasoning.  I can understand.

For me, monsters like that need to be executed.  They do not rehabilitate.  They do not repent and they do not change.  These predators just find another way to offend and  are better off dead.  I’m talking about grown men who prey on little girls and boys.  Children who cannot consent to being molested.  The children who can’t defend themselves against this type of cruelty.    Men or women who use children for sexual gratification have something wrong with them, in my mind, and deserve the death penalty.  Even if chemically castrated, you can’t stop the thoughts and the numerous other ways they can still abuse a child.

In this day and age, children are forced to grow up way to soon as it is.  It is heartbreaking that so many fall through the cracks as it is.  Children are precious.  I spent the first 8 years of my sons life protecting him from his father and I still didn’t do enough.  I know if he molested my son, I would have killed him.  I am only grateful we escaped with our lives and are free.  His father is deceased now and we no longer live in fear.

I’m Not Ashamed

This evening, I watched the movie, “I’m Not Ashamed”.  It is the Rachael Scott movie.  Rachel was the first person killed in the attack at Columbine High School on April 20, 1999.  I did not intend to watch this movie.  Nope, nada, no way!  Never wanted to watch it at all.  EVER!

I guess I have to go back to April 20, 1999 to explain my reason.  I was living in Navarre, FL at the time, sitting on my love seat, watching the event unfold on my television, just like a lot of people did that day.  I was also 3 1/2 months pregnant with my son.

I sat and watched what I thought was the most horrific act of humanity I had seen in a very long time unfold before my eyes as the world went insane.  I cried countless tears that day over 13 lost souls and for the two young men who ultimately took their own lives.  I was a mess.  I did not sit and blame anyone for this tragedy.  I hurt for the gunmen as well as their victims.  I was angry.  I was upset; but most of all, I was scared.

I was afraid to have my son.  I was afraid to bring a child into a world so out of control that children were killing children.  Of course, this was not the first time that children had killed children.  As a matter of fact, as a 14 year old girl, I babysat for a family whose first child had been killed, at the age of four, by another child with a gun in the home.  Life is not fair.  Events happen for reasons.  Sometimes those reasons make no sense.  Sometimes they do.  Sometimes we can’t see the reason until it has long passed us by.

Nearly 18 years ago, as I watched this on live T.V. I was extremely distraught.  I could not believe that I was going to bring a child into this craziness.  I didn’t want to do it.  I was terrified.  I worried over my baby.  I became hyper vigilant over his well being.  I really believe at this time in my life, if I had been able, I would have kept him safely inside of myself forever.  Life doesn’t always follow our desires and I’m sure that by now, if he were still inside of me, I’d look pretty weird.  LOL!

I did finally get my anxiety under control and did bring him into the world safely and have been protecting him ever since.  Sometimes that hasn’t always been the right thing and I did have to learn to let go of my iron fisted control.  I have allowed him to become an independent young man (grudgingly) and support him in his dreams.

“I’m Not Ashamed” is a “Pure Flix” movie.  I saw it at Redbox and decided to rent it, not realizing that it was about Rachel Scott.  I just love to watch P.F. movies.  I do not think I would have rented it had I realized it was about Columbine.  I knew I’d cry.  I knew I’d remember that day.  I didn’t want to go back and become paralyzed with fear.

Several minutes into the movie, when I realized what is was about, the tears began to stream down my face.  Miss Honi jumped into my lap and offered me comfort throughout the entire length and I got many kisses and snuggles.  She’s an angel.

I watched a young woman go from faithful to questioning her faith to faithful once again.  I watched her help those in need.  I watched her compassion, heartbreak, struggle and growth.  Excerpts from her journals were read throughout.  We got first hand knowledge of her deepest thoughts and feelings.  I got to know her on a personal level and she is the kind of gal a mom could be so proud to call daughter.

She was her own person and stood by what she believed in.  Rachel touched many lives.  She even told her best friend, Nathan, that she could not see her future, that she couldn’t see past the now, like she had no future.  However, she also stated that she wanted to touch peoples lives, make an impact in Jesus name.

Rachel Scott has reached millions and millions of people.  Her story, her faith and her death have touched the lives of so many, making the impact the young lady wanted in sharing her love for Jesus.  She died, standing by her convictions and love of Jesus.  She would not deny Him.

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man would lay down his life for his friends!”  John 15:13

Through great tragedy comes great hope.  Rachel Scott is an inspiration and I am glad I was able to get to know this remarkable young woman through this movie.  God has a plan for all of us.  He can turn a mess into a message.

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Random Acts of Kindness

I truly believe that when you do random acts of kindness you make this world a better place.

I just read and watched a video about a coffee hut out in Oregon whose employees saw a woman crying in her car at the drive thru and found out her husband had just passed away.  The employees offered her a free coffee and something more.  The three young men grasped her hand and prayed with her for peace in the situation and that she and her family make it through this trying time.

A woman behind this car snapped a photo and learned the story when she got to the window, then shared the moment on FB.  The story went viral.  It brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face.

I gave the kids (3 that I drive home) Valentine’s candies.  I wanted them to know that I love them and they’re teens, so candy was a good choice.  They were thrilled.  Yesterday, the one gal confessed that she was sad she hadn’t gotten me anything.  I immediately told her that I expect nothing from what I do; because I do it from my heart.

I have always done random acts of kindness in this life.  I just love to make others happy.  I love to see the smile in their eyes.  I love to touch peoples hearts.

This month, I’ve sent a painting to my friend in NYC.  She loved it.  I’m sending another to a friend in TN this week, along with a few bracelets for her and her two best friends and her mom.  Why?  Because that’s what I do.

I have helped strangers.  I have prayed in the supermarket for the cashier’s sister, who was in the hospital.  I’ve given my last dollar to a stranger in need.  I’ve hugged people who were crying, just to show them that someone in this world cared enough to just be there.  I have listened to people with my heart and not just waited for them to stop talking so I could say something.

This world needs more of these types of things.  I know I can’t save the world; but I can touch the people that I meet in my world.  We all  need to take a step back, stop watching our phones and reconnect with people on a personal level.  Open our eyes to what is going on and not just let life pass us by.

I hope I am raising my son to be the kind of person I want to see in this world.  Of all the songs that Michael Jackson has made, I do believe that “Man in the Mirror” is what we all need to make the change, to be the good in the world.

Plus this is what God is talking about!!!  Jesus said there are only two commandments:  1. Love God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and all your strength.  2.  Love your neighbor as yourself.  That’s it!  So, why are we being such bad neighbors?

Yes, we have bad neighbors.  People who are hurting others in horrible ways; but we are also to hate the sin, not the person.  We need to lift these people up to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to help that person.  I don’t know what broke them; but God does and He is in control.  He can help.  I know it in my heart.

I pray for this world.  I pray for my country.  I pray for those who are in harms way.  I pray for those who need food, shelter, love, better lives, etc.  I sometimes pray for so long that I finish, look at the clock and can’t believe all the time that has gone by. LOL!

I want the world to be like it was when I grew up.  I want home town friends.  I want kindness to be something we do, not something I have to be reminded to do on FB.  Kindness should be a given from the heart, not something we tell others they need to do, share, practice.

I’m looking in the mirror.  I’m doing what I’ve always done, sharing my kindness.  What about you?

 

Neighbors

After being here in this house for the last 3 1/2 years, I finally met my neighbors across the street.  It wasn’t because I wanted to, either.  I just happened to back out of my driveway and into their illegally parked, brand new Mercedes GLK350.  The fact that it was blocking our driveway, as they usually do, should have been reason for me to have been more careful; but ACCIDENTS happen. 

I feel terrible that I didn’t even notice it.  It was parked in my blind spot and as I was backing out, I just hit it.  Thankfully, no one was hurt.  Thankfully, the damage was minimal.  It was the first time I’d been in an accident in about 10 years. 

Well, I walked to their door and asked to speak with the car owner.  I then told him what I had done and he followed me out.  He was not happy and I did apologize to him for the incident.  I then went into my house, retrieved my camera and photographed the two vehicles.  The police were called and we proceeded to wait for their arrival.

Several minutes later, SHE comes out of the house.  She proceeds to tell me that I’m an ass for not having noticed the car when backing up and then tells me that the whole neighborhood hates me and that I am rude.  WOW!  Really?  This is the first time in the 3 1/2 years I’ve been here that I even saw her.  At no time did she, her family or anyone else on our street ever say two words to us.  I used to wave at them and the other neighbors when I first moved in; however, they never responded, so I just stopped.  I was blamed for “letting my dog defecate on one of their lawns”; but that, too was a crock, since the accuser said she watched me let my dog do so the day before; but we had just gotten back from Miami that morning and my dogs were with me, so my dog couldn’t have did the doo!  I was also told by the accuser that she’d lived here for the last 30 years and I was the only one with a dog in the neighborhood who walks my dog past her house and no one else would let their dog crap on her property!  Go figure.  We also have a LOT of dogs in the neighborhood, so I’ve come to the conclusion she is daft.  😀

Anyway, the police officer came to the house, took our information, took photos and then cited that both of us for the cause of the accident, which had them pissed off.  There excuse was that their son was moving the cars so he could drive; but he nor his car, were present when the accident happened, so the car was “parked” illegally while he was out driving. 

BTW, even my insurance agent asked why they were parked illegally and when I explained this is a regular event, he was amazed they would constantly park to block my driveway and not on their lawn; but actually on the street. 

Well, today my friend  popped the dent back out with a push and my damage is just a few scuffs and scratches.  Mine looked far worse than theirs; but I’m sure theirs will be more expensive since it is a Mercedes and new.  I’m sorry it happened; but had they not been parked the way they were, I wouldn’t have hit it. 

Oh well, whatever.  What’s done, is done.