13 Reasons Why

So, I just finished reading the book 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher. Not bad for a teen novel about such a sad subject.

SPOILERS!!!!  If you don’t want them, don’t continue this post.

So, the book is about a girl who committed suicide and leaves 13 stories as to what led her to do so.  Everything from rumors, lies, rape, drinking and betrayal enter into the mix.  Her first kiss becomes a rumor of lies that’s she’s a bad girl.  Reputation in ruins and humiliation.  Shame on you, Justin.  Alex made a survey that stated the poor gal had a great ass, which led to another student groping her ass, as if he had a right to touch her without her permission to begin with.  Jessica and her were friends of a sort and became enemies with a fight included.  Tyler was a peeper, with a camera to boot and there is nothing even remotely cool about a stalker!!  Courtney, butter wouldn’t melt in this girls mouth and even though she approaches you with the guise of friendship, she’s a liar and user, even she’s so kind and sweet.  Ah, Marcus, a guy who thought it was okay to grope a girl, in public, and got so upset when she pushed him away and he fell on the floor.  Didn’t find it funny, Marcus?  Aw…poor baby.  Zach, Zach, Zach….when all a girl needed was a bit of encouragement in a time of crisis, you stole it from her and let the darkness descend even further over her soul.  And the fact that you KNEW, well, that’s rich.  Ryan, the poet, the writer, the guy who stole her poem, letting the world know of her sadness – anonymously.  Then there is Clay.  Ah, Clay.  They all stole her from you, didn’t they?  The only innocent one of the 13.  All you tried to do is date your crush and she was so far gone by the time you kissed her, you wound up losing it all.  Justin came back on the scene the night of Clay’s kiss and allowed Bryce to rape Courtney at a party, while she was passed out cold.  Hey, bro’s before ho’s, right Justin?  PIGS!  Oh, Jenny, who offered her a ride home only to plow into a stop sign knocking it down.  Who knew that not 15 minutes later, someone would die because of your hit and run?  And finally, Mr. Porter, Guidance Counselor of the Year!  Your sad, broken, suicidal student comes to you in pain and in need of help and you tell her to basically get over it and move one, so she does.  She swallows the pills, she ends her life, she moves on, just like you told her to do.

Signs were everywhere.  Changing her look.  Giving away her possessions.  Withdrawing from friends.  So many signs and so little attention given to her as she spiraled out of control.

In this world, there are a million things that are going to go wrong every day!  EVERY DAY!  It is always darkest before the dawn.  Believe me, I know what that is like.  I know what it is like to want to end your suffering.  But for me, THIS IS NOT AN OPTION!

There is nothing so devastating that ending your life is the answer.  Suicide leaves behind loved ones who have to live with the guilt.  It leaves behind unanswered questions.  It leaves behind a world that is not better because you are gone.  Life is not easy.  Struggle is in everything.  You cannot allow another person to take your joy, your happiness.  Find someone, anyone who will listen to you.  If one person doesn’t find another.  Don’t ever give up!

For the last 25 years, I’ve suffered from Trigeminal Neuralgia, a.k.a. “The Suicide Disease”.  It is listed in medical books as the most painful disease in the world.  I’m still here, still fighting.  I have PTSD with depression and days so black I want to close my eyes forever.  I don’t.  I have been beaten by and cheated on by the man I thought was my everything.  I’m still here.  I have buried my best friend after a long bought with liver disease.  I’m still here.  My parents should NEVER have had children due to their hate filled existences; but I am still here.  I have been raped.  I have been molested.  I have watched my world crumble too many times to count and I AM STILL HERE!

I beg of you, please, don’t let someone else dull your sparkle.  Don’t let this world beat you.  YOU ARE SPECIAL.  YOU ARE LOVED.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 

Provides help to those in suicidal crisis or emotional distress.

Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

Thinking, thinking, thinking…..

Sometimes my brain just can’t shut down.  Drives me nuts!!!  Lately I’ve been trying to figure out why so many people, including my family, have no love for me.  It is baffling.

Now, I have to mention, I have reconciled all of these things.  I have forgiven everyone and let it all go.  This is just me trying to figure it out.  I mean, am I such a terrible person?  I don’t think so; but these things happened.  So, why?

I was raised by two people who, despite me loving with all my heart, didn’t like me.  My mother’s favorite thing to say to me, until I finally confronted her about it when I was 26 years old, was “I hate you.  I wish you’d never been born.”  She also used to sing a song about wanting to stick me in a garbage can, because I wasn’t worth a damn.  She told me, for the last time, “I hate you.  I wish you’d never been born,” to which I finally replied.  “I know.  I have known for the last 26 years.  I wish you had had an abortion instead of having me.  I can’t help it that I am here.  I’m sorry you hate me.”   She never said it again and continues, to this day, to make sure to tell me she loves me.

My father considers me a burden on his life.  He once told a friend that I am a vengeful person, who plots out ways to hurt other people.  He told me that I am a cold, cold woman; because I got upset that my ex was a cheating abuser.  He stated that I am a liar, thought I live in honesty.  He’s stated that I am the biggest problem in the family, whom no one likes.  He’s stated that I cause trouble; because I love to do it.  I am mean spirited and hateful.  He has also stated that I got what I deserved when my ex beat me nearly to death.  The person who he told this to lived with me for 9 years and never saw any of this in me.  He even told my own son, while they were vacationing at my sister’s home, that I was a horrible person.  Not to mention that my sister tagged on by saying it was my fault in 2010 that we left early, despite the fact that my father made the decision after she cursed out my mother.

I’ve had friends that have used me horribly and then went about speaking ill of me and I have no idea why.  Baffles my mind.  Yes, I am outspoken.  Yes, I speak the truth even when it hurts.  But that is no reason to be hateful to me.  Sorry, I don’t sugar coat it.

I have given people the shirt off my back (so to speak) and still been bad mouthed.  What I have figured out, though, is that I AM a good person.  I am not what others think of me.  I am who God says I am, not others.  I have taken in strangers in order to help.  I have forgiven people who have gone back and hurt me again, only for me to forgive again.  I paid my friend’s rent for two months, took her in when evicted and still, she treated me like I was so much mud under her feet.  I’ve given freely with my time, my money, my love, my possessions, only to have others treat me like crap!

I’ve come to the conclusion that the problem belongs to them, not me.  I am not the problem, it is they who have a problem in which they need to address.  It is their minds and mental defects that have given them the problem and I am just the one who has become their target.  I pray for them.  I don’t know what else to do; but that.

I have moved on from those who have hurt me terribly.  I don’t owe them anything.  I don’t let them have rent free space in my head anymore, except when I have sleepless nights of trying to figure out the whole human psyche.  LOL!  What makes them tick?  I may never know.  I am merely curious as to “why”.

 

The Book of Henry

SPOILERS!!!  If you haven’t seen it and want to, don’t read any further.

An 11-year-old boy genius named Henry Carpenter, and his younger brother, Peter, are raised by their single mother, Susan, a waitress who is working on writing children’s picture books. Henry has used his intellect to invest successfully in the stock market, building up a very substantial nest egg for his family. Henry and Susan both like their next-door neighbor (and Henry’s classmate), Christina, who has recently become sad.

Henry realizes that Christina is being abused by her stepfather, Glenn, the local police commissioner. Henry reports the abuse to the authorities, but Glenn has connections throughout the local government, and Henry is unable to get the authorities or the school to launch a serious investigation that would protect Christina.

Henry decides to come up with his own plan to rescue Christina; but after having a seizure and being diagnosed with a brain tumor, he passes away.  Henry does, however, leave behind a “fail proof” plan to kill off Glenn in a red notebook he leaves behind.

This notebook, along with a cassette tape, tells Susan – step by step – how she can kill Glenn, get away with his murder, rescue Christina and get custody of her afterward.

Susan reads the notebook and after going through the same disappointing steps as Henry has in reporting the abuse, realizes she has to follow through with the plan.  She gets all the way up to having Glenn in her scope and can’t pull the trigger.  Instead, she confronts the man and tells him she knows what he’s doing, she has proof and she is going to take him down.  He scoffs at the idea; because of who he is and she stands firm.

Her “alibi” is the kid’s talent competition at school, where both Peter and Christina perform.  While watching Christina perform a heartbreaking dance, the Principal finally sees what Henry has been telling her all along and calls the authorities.  As the police come to arrest Glenn, he takes the cowards way out and kills himself instead of facing up to what he has done to an 11-year-old girl.  Susan does get to adopt Christina in the end.

My 17-year-old son & I watched this movie and I wish I had brought more tissues with me.  The abuse and Henry’s death about kill me in the tears department.  We discuss the film on our way to Chili’s to get dinner.

Personally, I would have taken the shot.  Even though I know this is morally wrong, even though I would question my Salvation in Christ, I would have taken the shot.  To me, this man is a monster and I would become judge, jury and executioner, especially if I were emotionally involved.  I’d also try harder with authorities before even thinking of executing such a plan.  I’m just glad this was fiction.

My son lost all respect for Susan when she bailed on the plan.  Didn’t matter that it ended up okay in the end, he thought she should have finished the plan.  “What if Glen didn’t kill himself and he made Susan lose Peter or made her life hell?” was his reasoning.  I can understand.

For me, monsters like that need to be executed.  They do not rehabilitate.  They do not repent and they do not change.  These predators just find another way to offend and  are better off dead.  I’m talking about grown men who prey on little girls and boys.  Children who cannot consent to being molested.  The children who can’t defend themselves against this type of cruelty.    Men or women who use children for sexual gratification have something wrong with them, in my mind, and deserve the death penalty.  Even if chemically castrated, you can’t stop the thoughts and the numerous other ways they can still abuse a child.

In this day and age, children are forced to grow up way to soon as it is.  It is heartbreaking that so many fall through the cracks as it is.  Children are precious.  I spent the first 8 years of my sons life protecting him from his father and I still didn’t do enough.  I know if he molested my son, I would have killed him.  I am only grateful we escaped with our lives and are free.  His father is deceased now and we no longer live in fear.

God Is Good!

I began reading Max Lucado’s new book, “He Still Moves Stones” and I’m on chapter 4 last night and right there, in black and white, it shows me that even Jesus had trouble with his family.  WOW!  Max let me know that it is okay that I have walked away from my sisters and father due to the way they treat me.  That Jesus left His family and it wasn’t until His death that His family sang His praises.  (No I don’t want them to sing my praises when I’m dead)  It is just good to know that I’m in good company with the family thing.  😀

This past weekend, I took my son and his friend to Daytona to watch the FFCC Championship.  Last year, our High School won 1st Place.  This year, the lazy band director wouldn’t do Indoor Drumline, much to the kids disappointment.

Daytona was beautiful.  The weather excellent.  The hotel sucked!  They never cleaned our room on Saturday while we were gone all day.  Not happy.  No clean towels and when I went to the front desk, no one was there; but a sign that says “we’re full”.

The competition was great.  Very much so for us.  The boys hung out with friends from another school and just had a stress free weekend.  My son got sunburn on the top of his feet.  He missed school yesterday since he couldn’t wear shoes.  SMH.  Walked the beach.  Went to the fishing pier.  Saw dolphins and black tip sharks in the water.  I got a little sun; but I know better than to over expose myself due to the Lupus.  I bought a nice purple ball cap that I just love and almost bought a turtle; but worried he wouldn’t make it home alive.

I went to Bubba Gump for an early dinner/late lunch before going over to the arena and I must say it was delish!  The waiter was great, the whole staff, actually.  I had the Calamari and a shrimp po’boy along with 2 Georgia Peach tea’s that gave me a slight buzz; but wore off very quickly.  LOL!

Started PT yesterday.  Not too bad, so far.  I had to wear a pain pump patch for 3 hours afterwards which is a type of cortisone.  At least I’m not allergic to it. Ha, ha.

 

 

Love

I’ve never been loved.  Yup, that’s right.  My son loves me; but I’m his mom and it’s kind of a given.  However, to my knowledge, I’ve never been loved by a man.  My ex never loved anyone, he didn’t know how to.  His was a psychopath, so he just didn’t know how.  He spouted it to every woman he ever met; but the true definition of it was lost on him.

As for my best friend, well, he loved his beer more than anything in the world.  He couldn’t love anyone.  Not truly.  At the end of his life, it was always himself he loved and of course, his sons.

My parents have never loved me.  My mother’s favorite thing to say to me growing up was “I hate you, I wish you’d never been born.”  Harsh; but true.  I fought the first 18 years of my life trying to get her to love me and I failed, repeatedly.  No matter how hard I tried, she was still saying it when I was 26 years old.  I was no longer in the USMC and trying to readjust my life around my disabilities when she once again dropped that bomb on me.  I finally stood up to her over it and she hasn’t said it since; but I don’t believe her words of love now.  She just wants to keep the peace so I don’t take her grandson away from her.

My father let it be known 3 years ago what a piece of crap he thinks I am and how he and my sisters can’t stand me and have had to put up with my shit for years.  Oh and my sister let it be known to me last fall that she thinks I’m psychotic.    I can’t even begin to care at all.

The reason I bring it up is because I think there must be something wrong with me.  I present to the world a good person.  I give of my time, my love, my money, my soul to anyone who needs.  No matter what I do, no matter how much I’ve let people use me, I have never been loved.

Men have used my body.  Children have used my kindness and caring.  Women have used my friendship and giving nature.  No one feels the need to give me a thing in return.  And so, I am fatally flawed.

I have looked for love in all the wrong places.  I have never found a thing.  Believe me, I don’t feel sorry for myself.  I am just curious as to why I am so flawed.  I just can’t figure it out.

I had a long conversation with God today and asked him to help me get my son through school and then I will move away, far away and live my life in seclusion.  I don’t want anyone in my life.  I am flawed and I don’t want to ruin anyone else.  Hopefully, God will take me home and I won’t have to hurt anyone with my unlovable self.

Random Acts of Kindness

I truly believe that when you do random acts of kindness you make this world a better place.

I just read and watched a video about a coffee hut out in Oregon whose employees saw a woman crying in her car at the drive thru and found out her husband had just passed away.  The employees offered her a free coffee and something more.  The three young men grasped her hand and prayed with her for peace in the situation and that she and her family make it through this trying time.

A woman behind this car snapped a photo and learned the story when she got to the window, then shared the moment on FB.  The story went viral.  It brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face.

I gave the kids (3 that I drive home) Valentine’s candies.  I wanted them to know that I love them and they’re teens, so candy was a good choice.  They were thrilled.  Yesterday, the one gal confessed that she was sad she hadn’t gotten me anything.  I immediately told her that I expect nothing from what I do; because I do it from my heart.

I have always done random acts of kindness in this life.  I just love to make others happy.  I love to see the smile in their eyes.  I love to touch peoples hearts.

This month, I’ve sent a painting to my friend in NYC.  She loved it.  I’m sending another to a friend in TN this week, along with a few bracelets for her and her two best friends and her mom.  Why?  Because that’s what I do.

I have helped strangers.  I have prayed in the supermarket for the cashier’s sister, who was in the hospital.  I’ve given my last dollar to a stranger in need.  I’ve hugged people who were crying, just to show them that someone in this world cared enough to just be there.  I have listened to people with my heart and not just waited for them to stop talking so I could say something.

This world needs more of these types of things.  I know I can’t save the world; but I can touch the people that I meet in my world.  We all  need to take a step back, stop watching our phones and reconnect with people on a personal level.  Open our eyes to what is going on and not just let life pass us by.

I hope I am raising my son to be the kind of person I want to see in this world.  Of all the songs that Michael Jackson has made, I do believe that “Man in the Mirror” is what we all need to make the change, to be the good in the world.

Plus this is what God is talking about!!!  Jesus said there are only two commandments:  1. Love God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and all your strength.  2.  Love your neighbor as yourself.  That’s it!  So, why are we being such bad neighbors?

Yes, we have bad neighbors.  People who are hurting others in horrible ways; but we are also to hate the sin, not the person.  We need to lift these people up to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to help that person.  I don’t know what broke them; but God does and He is in control.  He can help.  I know it in my heart.

I pray for this world.  I pray for my country.  I pray for those who are in harms way.  I pray for those who need food, shelter, love, better lives, etc.  I sometimes pray for so long that I finish, look at the clock and can’t believe all the time that has gone by. LOL!

I want the world to be like it was when I grew up.  I want home town friends.  I want kindness to be something we do, not something I have to be reminded to do on FB.  Kindness should be a given from the heart, not something we tell others they need to do, share, practice.

I’m looking in the mirror.  I’m doing what I’ve always done, sharing my kindness.  What about you?

 

I am who I am

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We all become who we are by the experiences we have had.  As for me, I wasn’t always what I am today.  So, when I was chatting with a friend a few nights ago about the past, it was funny that my past should pop up in an unusual way.

At one time, I was a practicing Dominatrix and very active in the BDSM community.  I had numerous submissive males and a following.  So, while chatting with my friend, he made comments and this lead to me being recommended to watch the movie “50 Shades of Grey”.  LOL.  I had to text my friend about the “joke” I felt this movie is.

First off, I do understand in order for it to have a “R” rating, they couldn’t do much more than they did.  However, it was a joke.  The man has serious issues and as far as I’m concerned, he’s more likely a sociopath than someone who needs to be dominating anyone.  He has real issues and they aren’t healthy.  The fact that he punished her in anger is another thing that oversteps the bounds of safety, even if he made sure she used a safe word.  Give me a break.

Secondly, he was thrilled to death to be her first lover and took delight in being the one to do it.  Then, he pushes himself into her life at every possible chance he gets, similar to a stalker and is hot and cold all over the place.  SMH.  Not a good thing at all and truly has sociopath written all over it.

I messaged my friend and told the truth.  The movie is soft porn at its best and so mild as I would have let my 17 year old watch it.  Yes, it has sex in it; but hardly enough or explicit enough to be vulgar.  Heck, I wouldn’t let my son watch the American Pie movies because of the content; but this is tamer than that.  I can’t understand how people went so crazy about this series.  To me, it was hardly worth the 2 hours I had to sit through it.  SMH.

Personally, what happens in the bedroom should stay private and in the bedroom.  I don’t kiss and tell and I expect the same from whomever I date.  If you’re too immature for that then we won’t last but one date.  As an adult, what me and my partner do is TMI for anyone else.

 

I was wrong

Well today, I made it up to 4 miles on my bike; however, the battery on the truck is dead once again, so I think I just have to get a new one.  I can’t wait to sell it.

Okay, so I was wrong.  I called my friend a jackass in an earlier post and I am the one who is the asshole. We chatted on messenger and he told me he’s dealing with his PTSD and is working on healing, so no social things that will complicate his life.

Boy, am I an asshole!  I so remember how it feels to have your PTSD take over your life.  How it steals your joy, makes your life unlivable and how your own mind steals your joy and leaves you in despair.

Now, once he revealed this, I went into “fix it” mode.   BIG mistake.  Why I do this, I don’t know.  I just went ahead, as usual, and worked up a solution to fix him.  Just like I always do when presented with a problem.  I try and fix it.  I treated it as if I can just say a few words and magically he’d be better.  What a putz.

So, late last night, as I came to the realization, I apologized to him for pushing him into a cure.  I have the tenacity of a bull dog and though this works in most situations, pushing a man into being well is not one of them.  I told him I’d back off.  It’s what is right.

So, true confessions time, again.  I was at church a couple weeks ago and during an intense prayer with Pastor Randy, in my mind, my friend leaned down and kissed me so passionately that I nearly cried out in shock.  I opened my eyes, looked around and couldn’t get over the heat of it.

I came home, messaged him with this tidbit and came to the conclusion that God is for us.  Well, I then proceeded with my fix, as per above. UGH!  Okay, so fast forward to this past weekend….I wrote out my “Reader’s Digest Abridged” version of my life, filled out a few “get to know me” survey things and sent him a booklet of healing scriptures I’d made and then mailed it out to him on Monday.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?  Well, basically, I wasn’t thinking, was I?  I can only imagine what he thinks of all this.  SMH  Let me tell you, I was brutally honest.  I told him everything from my hate driven mother, my abusive, alcoholic father to my sisters who resent me for reasons I have no clue as to why.  I gave him all the gory details of what my ex-husband did the night he tried to kill me.  I told him about the cheating.  I told him everything.

I’m nothing if not honest.  Even if it hurts.  I gave him the details about all my medical conditions.  I think I was trying to see if I could scare him off.  Who can tell?  I’m 1/2 nuts myself.  I even wrote up my resume as if I am applying for a job with him.

I spent 14 years with a man who lied to me just to lie.  Who blamed me for every detail of his wrong doing and how I am 7 years free from him and he can never hurt me or my son again; because he’s dead,  I just want to cry.  I am such a fool.

So, what I did by giving all the details of my life to this friend, I can only think that maybe I was testing the waters to see if he has could be scared off or not.  I’m really not sure.  I hate the thought that I may be sabotaging an “us” before it even starts.   SMH.

What I do know is that I’ve prayed for this man for the last year, ever since we reconnected on FB.  I pray for his healing.  I pray for his happiness, even if it does not include me.  I pray for his family and I pray that his life is filled with joy.

I have never acted this way toward any other man.  All I want is for him to be happy.  It’s what I want for everyone.

I told him that I would walk barefoot through the fires of hell for him and I meant it.  I am waiting on him and God to see where our relationship will go.  I told him that I am standing on the edge, balancing there, that I will not fall in love with him, yet.  I then let him know that when he & God told me it was time, I was not going to fall for him; but leap right off that edge, into his arms and never let him go.  We shall see if this will come to fruition.  Only God knows.

1000 Words

I recently watched the Eddy Murphy comedy “1000 Words”.  It got me thinking about what I would do if I only had 1000 words left before death.  He couldn’t write the words, he could speak them, sing them or even type them.  What would I do?  What would be most important to say.  I’d want to leave all my love and the unspoken things to my loved ones; but I’d not be able to do so.  My blog would go unread because I’d not be able to fill it.  My life would dissolve into saying only the most important things.

I remember arguments that could easily be seen as wasted words over nonsense.  So many wasted words for what?  To prove a point?  To be right?  To win?  And yet, knowing all this has changed nothing at all.

I think of all the things I want to tell my son.  Things he is not yet ready to hear.  He’s a teen.  He knows it all and I’m not able to get through to him.  I want him to know that he is the most important thing in my life (outside of God) and that the decisions I made to get us to where we are were for the greater good.  That I’d never want to hurt him, ever!   He is and has always been, my everything.

I want to tell my parents that they did a good job raising us.  That even though there were hard times, we had more than some and we are still a great family of loving, caring adults and children.  I want my sisters to know that even though we don’t always agree on everything, that my love for them will last an eternity.  I respect them both so much and I know that with them, I will always have a best friend that is a phone call away.

I’d tell my ex-husband that he’s forgiven for what he is and that I don’t speak ill of him to our son.  That I know he is a product of the way he was raised and the abuses he’s faced and that I forgive him for what he had done to me.  And that a part of me still does and always will love him.  I even pray for him.

I want my friends to know that they mean the world to me and that each one has touched me in some way.  Some have taught me things, so have listened, some have been listened to; but for all of it, I want them to know that in some way, they have touched my life in a special way and i can only hope to have done the same for them.

What would you do with your 1000 words?