13 Reasons Why

So, I just finished reading the book 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher. Not bad for a teen novel about such a sad subject.

SPOILERS!!!!  If you don’t want them, don’t continue this post.

So, the book is about a girl who committed suicide and leaves 13 stories as to what led her to do so.  Everything from rumors, lies, rape, drinking and betrayal enter into the mix.  Her first kiss becomes a rumor of lies that’s she’s a bad girl.  Reputation in ruins and humiliation.  Shame on you, Justin.  Alex made a survey that stated the poor gal had a great ass, which led to another student groping her ass, as if he had a right to touch her without her permission to begin with.  Jessica and her were friends of a sort and became enemies with a fight included.  Tyler was a peeper, with a camera to boot and there is nothing even remotely cool about a stalker!!  Courtney, butter wouldn’t melt in this girls mouth and even though she approaches you with the guise of friendship, she’s a liar and user, even she’s so kind and sweet.  Ah, Marcus, a guy who thought it was okay to grope a girl, in public, and got so upset when she pushed him away and he fell on the floor.  Didn’t find it funny, Marcus?  Aw…poor baby.  Zach, Zach, Zach….when all a girl needed was a bit of encouragement in a time of crisis, you stole it from her and let the darkness descend even further over her soul.  And the fact that you KNEW, well, that’s rich.  Ryan, the poet, the writer, the guy who stole her poem, letting the world know of her sadness – anonymously.  Then there is Clay.  Ah, Clay.  They all stole her from you, didn’t they?  The only innocent one of the 13.  All you tried to do is date your crush and she was so far gone by the time you kissed her, you wound up losing it all.  Justin came back on the scene the night of Clay’s kiss and allowed Bryce to rape Courtney at a party, while she was passed out cold.  Hey, bro’s before ho’s, right Justin?  PIGS!  Oh, Jenny, who offered her a ride home only to plow into a stop sign knocking it down.  Who knew that not 15 minutes later, someone would die because of your hit and run?  And finally, Mr. Porter, Guidance Counselor of the Year!  Your sad, broken, suicidal student comes to you in pain and in need of help and you tell her to basically get over it and move one, so she does.  She swallows the pills, she ends her life, she moves on, just like you told her to do.

Signs were everywhere.  Changing her look.  Giving away her possessions.  Withdrawing from friends.  So many signs and so little attention given to her as she spiraled out of control.

In this world, there are a million things that are going to go wrong every day!  EVERY DAY!  It is always darkest before the dawn.  Believe me, I know what that is like.  I know what it is like to want to end your suffering.  But for me, THIS IS NOT AN OPTION!

There is nothing so devastating that ending your life is the answer.  Suicide leaves behind loved ones who have to live with the guilt.  It leaves behind unanswered questions.  It leaves behind a world that is not better because you are gone.  Life is not easy.  Struggle is in everything.  You cannot allow another person to take your joy, your happiness.  Find someone, anyone who will listen to you.  If one person doesn’t find another.  Don’t ever give up!

For the last 25 years, I’ve suffered from Trigeminal Neuralgia, a.k.a. “The Suicide Disease”.  It is listed in medical books as the most painful disease in the world.  I’m still here, still fighting.  I have PTSD with depression and days so black I want to close my eyes forever.  I don’t.  I have been beaten by and cheated on by the man I thought was my everything.  I’m still here.  I have buried my best friend after a long bought with liver disease.  I’m still here.  My parents should NEVER have had children due to their hate filled existences; but I am still here.  I have been raped.  I have been molested.  I have watched my world crumble too many times to count and I AM STILL HERE!

I beg of you, please, don’t let someone else dull your sparkle.  Don’t let this world beat you.  YOU ARE SPECIAL.  YOU ARE LOVED.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 

Provides help to those in suicidal crisis or emotional distress.

Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

God Is Good!

I began reading Max Lucado’s new book, “He Still Moves Stones” and I’m on chapter 4 last night and right there, in black and white, it shows me that even Jesus had trouble with his family.  WOW!  Max let me know that it is okay that I have walked away from my sisters and father due to the way they treat me.  That Jesus left His family and it wasn’t until His death that His family sang His praises.  (No I don’t want them to sing my praises when I’m dead)  It is just good to know that I’m in good company with the family thing.  😀

This past weekend, I took my son and his friend to Daytona to watch the FFCC Championship.  Last year, our High School won 1st Place.  This year, the lazy band director wouldn’t do Indoor Drumline, much to the kids disappointment.

Daytona was beautiful.  The weather excellent.  The hotel sucked!  They never cleaned our room on Saturday while we were gone all day.  Not happy.  No clean towels and when I went to the front desk, no one was there; but a sign that says “we’re full”.

The competition was great.  Very much so for us.  The boys hung out with friends from another school and just had a stress free weekend.  My son got sunburn on the top of his feet.  He missed school yesterday since he couldn’t wear shoes.  SMH.  Walked the beach.  Went to the fishing pier.  Saw dolphins and black tip sharks in the water.  I got a little sun; but I know better than to over expose myself due to the Lupus.  I bought a nice purple ball cap that I just love and almost bought a turtle; but worried he wouldn’t make it home alive.

I went to Bubba Gump for an early dinner/late lunch before going over to the arena and I must say it was delish!  The waiter was great, the whole staff, actually.  I had the Calamari and a shrimp po’boy along with 2 Georgia Peach tea’s that gave me a slight buzz; but wore off very quickly.  LOL!

Started PT yesterday.  Not too bad, so far.  I had to wear a pain pump patch for 3 hours afterwards which is a type of cortisone.  At least I’m not allergic to it. Ha, ha.



The Shack

If you want to see an extraordinary movie, I highly recommend “The Shack”.  You will laugh, you will cry and you will experience a miracle as long as your heart is open.

As someone who has suffered incredible pain in my life from so many sources, I definitely felt healing was the main purpose of this incredible movie.  On the way home, I stopped and bought the soundtrack and the book to read.  (Yes, I am nuts, but I’m okay with that.)

Sometimes when this life has dealt us too much pain to bear and we let it surround us and encompass us, we lose our hope.  We blame ourselves, we blame others and we blame God.  However, this movie introduces us to God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit and lets us see through their eyes.  Oh, the power of this movie is tremendous.

I spent time praying for another’s hurts while watching this movie.  I couldn’t NOT pray.  This movie has moved me beyond mere words.  To say it is powerful is an understatement.  Since seeing the previews, I have been drawn to this movie.  I am so grateful I went to see it.

I also had the pleasure of sharing the experience with two great women friends.  Each woman felt the same way.  Anastasia had previously read the book and mentioned that it was one of the few movies she’s seen that actually does the book justice.

My girlfriends and I enjoyed a wonderful Italian meal afterwards and great conversations as well.  I cannot imagine a better end to a great day than a movie and meal with friends.

My heart wants me to share the movie with the man whom God is preparing me for; but I don’t know how to broach the subject with him at present, so I am sure that God will reveal the way.

I love the Lord.  I rejoice in being saved by Jesus and I so hope that by sharing with others that they will come to know God through me.


I’m Not Ashamed

This evening, I watched the movie, “I’m Not Ashamed”.  It is the Rachael Scott movie.  Rachel was the first person killed in the attack at Columbine High School on April 20, 1999.  I did not intend to watch this movie.  Nope, nada, no way!  Never wanted to watch it at all.  EVER!

I guess I have to go back to April 20, 1999 to explain my reason.  I was living in Navarre, FL at the time, sitting on my love seat, watching the event unfold on my television, just like a lot of people did that day.  I was also 3 1/2 months pregnant with my son.

I sat and watched what I thought was the most horrific act of humanity I had seen in a very long time unfold before my eyes as the world went insane.  I cried countless tears that day over 13 lost souls and for the two young men who ultimately took their own lives.  I was a mess.  I did not sit and blame anyone for this tragedy.  I hurt for the gunmen as well as their victims.  I was angry.  I was upset; but most of all, I was scared.

I was afraid to have my son.  I was afraid to bring a child into a world so out of control that children were killing children.  Of course, this was not the first time that children had killed children.  As a matter of fact, as a 14 year old girl, I babysat for a family whose first child had been killed, at the age of four, by another child with a gun in the home.  Life is not fair.  Events happen for reasons.  Sometimes those reasons make no sense.  Sometimes they do.  Sometimes we can’t see the reason until it has long passed us by.

Nearly 18 years ago, as I watched this on live T.V. I was extremely distraught.  I could not believe that I was going to bring a child into this craziness.  I didn’t want to do it.  I was terrified.  I worried over my baby.  I became hyper vigilant over his well being.  I really believe at this time in my life, if I had been able, I would have kept him safely inside of myself forever.  Life doesn’t always follow our desires and I’m sure that by now, if he were still inside of me, I’d look pretty weird.  LOL!

I did finally get my anxiety under control and did bring him into the world safely and have been protecting him ever since.  Sometimes that hasn’t always been the right thing and I did have to learn to let go of my iron fisted control.  I have allowed him to become an independent young man (grudgingly) and support him in his dreams.

“I’m Not Ashamed” is a “Pure Flix” movie.  I saw it at Redbox and decided to rent it, not realizing that it was about Rachel Scott.  I just love to watch P.F. movies.  I do not think I would have rented it had I realized it was about Columbine.  I knew I’d cry.  I knew I’d remember that day.  I didn’t want to go back and become paralyzed with fear.

Several minutes into the movie, when I realized what is was about, the tears began to stream down my face.  Miss Honi jumped into my lap and offered me comfort throughout the entire length and I got many kisses and snuggles.  She’s an angel.

I watched a young woman go from faithful to questioning her faith to faithful once again.  I watched her help those in need.  I watched her compassion, heartbreak, struggle and growth.  Excerpts from her journals were read throughout.  We got first hand knowledge of her deepest thoughts and feelings.  I got to know her on a personal level and she is the kind of gal a mom could be so proud to call daughter.

She was her own person and stood by what she believed in.  Rachel touched many lives.  She even told her best friend, Nathan, that she could not see her future, that she couldn’t see past the now, like she had no future.  However, she also stated that she wanted to touch peoples lives, make an impact in Jesus name.

Rachel Scott has reached millions and millions of people.  Her story, her faith and her death have touched the lives of so many, making the impact the young lady wanted in sharing her love for Jesus.  She died, standing by her convictions and love of Jesus.  She would not deny Him.

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man would lay down his life for his friends!”  John 15:13

Through great tragedy comes great hope.  Rachel Scott is an inspiration and I am glad I was able to get to know this remarkable young woman through this movie.  God has a plan for all of us.  He can turn a mess into a message.


Good Friends

Yesterday I met my friend Deb for lunch at Ruby Tuesdays.  We got there at 12ish and stayed until 5 pm just talking.  LOL!  We be crazy.  We laughed, we cried, we shared and we ate.  Due to the circumstances of the past year, we hadn’t had a chance to get together for a while; but she’s the type of friend that even if 5 years had passed, we’d pick up right where we left off.

Since life is now different for both of us, we’re going to see each other more often.  We’re going to start walking in the evenings together. I’m looking forward to it.  Life has really gotten simpler and I am just floating along on this lazy river of life.

All presents are wrapped and under the tree.  Grab bag gifts for my son’s party are ready and I just have to make the food.  Should be a fun time for those who attend.  I really like his friends, even the difficult ones.  Great group of young people who share some common interests.

Donated a bunch of things to locale Toys For Tots.  Took a big box of stuff to them this afternoon.  They needed “teens & tweens” stuff and we provided well for them.  I like to donate; because you never know when you might be in the same position.

Making “Spaghetti Grilled Cheese” tonight for dinner.  Saw a video on them and since we both LOVE spaghetti sandwiches, why not with gooey melted cheese, too!  Can’t wait to try’em.

Book is coming along nicely.  I’m burning up the keyboard with tales of sin.  I can hardly wait to share it.

Church tonight and next week’s service will be a joint service with our host church for Christmas Eve.  Our bible study on Wednesday was our last of the year and we begin again on January 11th.  I don’t know if I mentioned it previously; but our study is the book of Job.  It has been quite the journey.  Even knowing the outcome of his situation and the reason behind it, the struggle could be relatable to today.  I remind myself that I have to praise my Lord in the bad times as well as the good because HIS plan is so much more than what I have planned.

I am so over this year and the “bad” things that have happened that I look forward to putting it behind me so that God can deliver me to the next thing he has planned for my life.  Patience is easier said than done for me; but I am waiting as patiently as I can.

This week is full of 1/2 days and exams for the boy.  No school Friday and two full weeks off of school.  One of his friends is taking him out to Christmas shop this week.  He’s looking forward to that.  His Christmas Concert was Thursday night and he was great.  Mom & Dad came up to see it.  We then went out to dinner and closed the place.  Ha, ha.

We went to the comic book store yesterday and he got a new game and I got some comics.  They moved from a tiny little store front to a much larger one and it is so much nicer.  Had a video chat with my friend and saw how much her son loved the gift I sent to him.  She also shared a video of him “reading” their good night story and how he was singing “row, row, row your boat”.  So cute.  I love that little boy.  He’s 18 months old and I so much miss when my baby was that small.  ❤

I’ve gotta run…….

I was wrong

Well today, I made it up to 4 miles on my bike; however, the battery on the truck is dead once again, so I think I just have to get a new one.  I can’t wait to sell it.

Okay, so I was wrong.  I called my friend a jackass in an earlier post and I am the one who is the asshole. We chatted on messenger and he told me he’s dealing with his PTSD and is working on healing, so no social things that will complicate his life.

Boy, am I an asshole!  I so remember how it feels to have your PTSD take over your life.  How it steals your joy, makes your life unlivable and how your own mind steals your joy and leaves you in despair.

Now, once he revealed this, I went into “fix it” mode.   BIG mistake.  Why I do this, I don’t know.  I just went ahead, as usual, and worked up a solution to fix him.  Just like I always do when presented with a problem.  I try and fix it.  I treated it as if I can just say a few words and magically he’d be better.  What a putz.

So, late last night, as I came to the realization, I apologized to him for pushing him into a cure.  I have the tenacity of a bull dog and though this works in most situations, pushing a man into being well is not one of them.  I told him I’d back off.  It’s what is right.

So, true confessions time, again.  I was at church a couple weeks ago and during an intense prayer with Pastor Randy, in my mind, my friend leaned down and kissed me so passionately that I nearly cried out in shock.  I opened my eyes, looked around and couldn’t get over the heat of it.

I came home, messaged him with this tidbit and came to the conclusion that God is for us.  Well, I then proceeded with my fix, as per above. UGH!  Okay, so fast forward to this past weekend….I wrote out my “Reader’s Digest Abridged” version of my life, filled out a few “get to know me” survey things and sent him a booklet of healing scriptures I’d made and then mailed it out to him on Monday.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?  Well, basically, I wasn’t thinking, was I?  I can only imagine what he thinks of all this.  SMH  Let me tell you, I was brutally honest.  I told him everything from my hate driven mother, my abusive, alcoholic father to my sisters who resent me for reasons I have no clue as to why.  I gave him all the gory details of what my ex-husband did the night he tried to kill me.  I told him about the cheating.  I told him everything.

I’m nothing if not honest.  Even if it hurts.  I gave him the details about all my medical conditions.  I think I was trying to see if I could scare him off.  Who can tell?  I’m 1/2 nuts myself.  I even wrote up my resume as if I am applying for a job with him.

I spent 14 years with a man who lied to me just to lie.  Who blamed me for every detail of his wrong doing and how I am 7 years free from him and he can never hurt me or my son again; because he’s dead,  I just want to cry.  I am such a fool.

So, what I did by giving all the details of my life to this friend, I can only think that maybe I was testing the waters to see if he has could be scared off or not.  I’m really not sure.  I hate the thought that I may be sabotaging an “us” before it even starts.   SMH.

What I do know is that I’ve prayed for this man for the last year, ever since we reconnected on FB.  I pray for his healing.  I pray for his happiness, even if it does not include me.  I pray for his family and I pray that his life is filled with joy.

I have never acted this way toward any other man.  All I want is for him to be happy.  It’s what I want for everyone.

I told him that I would walk barefoot through the fires of hell for him and I meant it.  I am waiting on him and God to see where our relationship will go.  I told him that I am standing on the edge, balancing there, that I will not fall in love with him, yet.  I then let him know that when he & God told me it was time, I was not going to fall for him; but leap right off that edge, into his arms and never let him go.  We shall see if this will come to fruition.  Only God knows.

Walmart Nuts!

So, I go to Wal-Mart this evening and as I’m leaving the store, I’m nearly run over by some jerk who is drinking a beer and racing in front of the store in his car.  This is amazing!  Why is it that Wal-Mart seems to attacked such jerks?  This is not the first time, either.

Okay, so I live in SW Florida and each winter or BIRD SEASON as I like to call it, flocks and flocks of snow birds head south to invade the area.  This turns our sedate roads into a mecca of old people, bad drivers, rude visitors and a reason to hide from the outside world.  Go to Wal-Mart on any given day and you are likely to find the aisles blocked with carts directly in the center with its operator further blocking the aisle with aimless staring at products on the shelf.  Or these same people rudely pushing their way in front of you, cutting you off, without a backward glance.  Not even an “excuse me” to get by, just a push forward, screw you.

I can’t even begin to tell you about how clogged up the roadways are now.  The normal 20 minute drive escalates to 45 minutes and a short trip to the grocery store takes twice as long as well.  Parking is a nightmare as well.  I’m over the bird season.  I’m counting the days until they migrate north again and leave the area.

We also have a lot of Spanish people in our area.  I have nothing against any person what-so-ever (black/white/Chinese/Spanish, etc.).  This is just an observation though.  The local Spanish community are very family oriented.  This leads to a “group” effort when they go shopping.  Grandma, Mom and Dad plus children all track on down to the local Wal-Mart to shop together.  When their entourage goes shopping, they converge on the aisles like locust on crops.  They don’t speak English or pretend not to and block you as best they can from what you try to get.


I write a list.  I go through the store, following my list, get my stuff and go.  I don’t like to idle in the aisles, leisurely stroll down them looking for things I don’t need, etc.  I like to get in and get out.  I want to shop unfettered, just getting what I need and leaving.  I don’t even like to take my kid with me; because he (at 13) still holds onto the cart and walks beside me like he’s afraid I’m going to ditch him there.  Drives me nuts!!!

Of course, if you have ever seen the photos from Wal-Mart site, you understand the loony’s who shop there.  I also know that since I shop there myself (low prices and all) that I must also be one of them. 🙂  No denying it.  I must be a glutton for punishment as I still trek there each week for the essentials.  Wal-Mart, why do you do this to us?