Sunday Musings

Once again, I’m suffering from double ear infections.  UGH!  Every time I get one, I think back to the pediatrician who told my mother that my ear pain was psychosomatic and all I wanted was attention at the age of 13 and how she took it as gospel.  This is the same doctor who told my mother that my sister, at the age of 8, was insecure because she still slept with a teddy bear and that her stomach pains (which was a blocked intestine) was all in her head.  After hearing this, my mother took her x-rays and medical records to the ER in another county and was diagnosed immediately with the blockage and was told they caught it in time before it killed her. So, her believing this quack was an insult.  Because of it, I never complained again and kept my pain to myself.  It wasn’t worth the fight.

Anyway, I’m forever suffering from them.  When my son was a baby, I discussed it with his pediatrician, who told me that I shouldn’t have them either.  UGH!  Not everyone is the same.  It’s why I think I’ve had Lupus a lot longer than  when my diagnosis came in 2007.  It would explain a lot of other ailments over the years.

I’ve binge watched several shows on Netflix.  Just watched “6 Souls”, “The Five” and “The Fall” over the four days.  They were a little intense.   I’m a police show junky.

I’m worried about my son.  College, leaving home, etc.  He’s 18; but very naïve.  I’ve been letting him drive home from school daily.  I wanted to get him lessons; but at $70 an hour, I just can’t afford it.  So, we’re on our way to doing it slowly.  I just hope his confidence grows; because at present, he’s still very nervous.

I’m needing a new place to live.  I know that when the child support runs out, I’ll not be able to afford this place anymore.  A friend shared a link to some cute cottages; but at present, they’re not even built. They are going to be built in an area that I would not move to due to the high crime rate also, so Nope!  Since it’s “Snow Bird” season, rentals are not easy to find, so I’ll have to start looking during the March/April time period.

I’ve begun working the AV at church and still have my nose in the bible by doing a bible study of Philippians and reading the book, “Girls With Swords” by Lisa Bevere.  I’m hoping that God will reveal where He wants me to go and how He is going to get me there.  I’m feeling a bit lost right now and I just have to keep taking baby steps in hopes that it is the right direction.

I am so broken these days.  I can only hope to recover.  Hurt and heartache are no stranger to me.  I just feel like I’m drowning in it all the time.

Between heartache and illness, I’m just so tired of being sick and tired.

Advertisements

13 Reasons Why: Part 2

So, I have just spent the last 3 days watching the Netflix Series, “13 Reasons Why” based on the book by Jay Asher.  My original post can be found here.  Again, I warn you — “SPOILER ALERT!”

Based on the novel, it is a bit different in that it adds details that were not part of the book, such as the way those involved now interacted once each one received the tapes for listening.  It also involves a lawsuit involving Hannah Baker’s parents, in which they are suing the school because she was bullied.

It all starts with Clay Jenson, the 11th tape, who receives the 13 sides (7 tapes) in which Hannah Baker tells what has led her to take her own life.   In this version, Clay gets all kinds of grief from the others involved; because the young man has a conscience and a good moral code and standard.  After each tape, he confronts the antagonist with their part and causes them to all begin to question their roles in the end of this young woman’s life.

Let me tell you something.  It is not fun to be bullied.  It is not fun to be teased for being different and it’s not fun to be beaten up or raped.  Your actions have consequences.  What you do, you are accountable for and responsible for the fall out.  Life does not give you an easy way out when you have wronged another.  You may not see it right away; but eventually, it comes around.

Young men have to be crystal clear on getting a YES before having sex, because rape is a horrible thing.  Of course, a man can also be raped and the same rule applies.

The ripple effect.  When one action leads to another, bringing on another, etc. resulting in an end action that could have been prevented or maybe having a lasting effect on another.  You see, we’re all ripples and we effect the lives of all of those around us.  I have a bad day.  I run into someone and lose my temper with them, causing them to have their own ruined day and the effect moves ever onward.  OR  Someone having a bad day, runs into me and I decide to NOT allow it to ruin my day.  It can go either way.

Eg. Several years ago, my neighbor’s son parked his car on the street, and while I was backing out of the driveway, I hit the door and dented it.  I immediately contacted the neighbor of the incident.  He was upset; but understood, accidents happen. His son parked it illegally and there wasn’t enough room for me to back up; but I was still in the wrong and admitted it.  The police came and we were both faulted for the incident.  However, my neighbor’s wife was another story.  She came out, ranting and raving about it, calling me names, making me more upset about making an error in judgment.

Anyway, I digress.  The 13 episodes, based on the book, sent a powerful message and I would recommend it, if you read the books or not.  It’s a powerful story; but it makes a person think and consider their actions.  I hope that those who watch it, know that they have other options in this life.  Suicide is not an option.

Teens, especially, are vulnerable.  Hormones, emotions gone wild, not understanding or knowing how to talk about what is going on, fear, embarrassment, a multitude of reasons we adults can’t remember feeling “way back then” will assault a young mind into believing that they are unworthy, too far gone, afraid, whatever!!!  The worst thing, is being lost and alone.

BUT, You Are NOT ALONE!!!  Someone loves you. Mom, dad, best friend, cousin, aunt, uncle, etc.  Someone out there loves you.  Just reach out.  Someone will take your hand and if, for some reason, you feel you can’t, call a hotline.  There IS help out there.

http://13reasonswhy.info  has resources to assist you!

Don’t give up!  YOU MATTER!!!

Addendum:  I’ve just read several articles from parents who are totally opposed to this movie and it’s book.   Reason?  It deals with a dead girl, who killed herself and that is NOT the way to deal with this subject and teens.  Or they say that it glamourizes suicide.  WOW!!! Really?

Okay, so several year ago, a teen in our town killed herself for the same reasons given in the book.   I know kids who were friends with this girl.  Kids that were upset, knew she was bullied and did nothing to help her.  The fall out from that suicide was horrible.  What did they do?  Counselors were available for those in need; but for the most part, it was a non-issue for the school district.  Oh and an anti-bully rally was had, with miserable attendance so as to have no real effect.

With that being said, I have to wonder what is the right approach to this subject?  We discuss the issue in school.  Most kids think it’s a joke.  They make fun of those who are on their films, posters and the stories when they leave the auditorium  I’ve seen it.  I’ve heard it.  What will it take to get through to teens?  I don’t have the right answers; but I do know that sometimes it takes a book and series like this one to wake people up.

I don’t have the answers.  What I do have is a desire to save the next person who wants to do so. Sometimes it is no ones fault.  Sometimes the fault lies with persons who a no longer in the picture.

I also know that the guilt of the survivors is hard.  When my friend tried to kill himself several years ago, he was suffering from the horrors of childhood, which he’d never fully dealt with and a 20 year marriage that went down the tubes, the still births of two daughters  and his 2 lives sons telling him to screw off.  That’s a lot of baggage for someone.  He attempted, I called the police and ambulance and then I was left with the repercussions.  In his mind, he was the victim and I had no reason to feel anything.  I did, though.  I suffered.

No matter the reasons, the hurt is long lasting.  We need to face this issue head on.  It happens.  It hurts all involved.  We need to wake up and IMO, this series/book does not glamorize suicide, it shows the fall out and how it leaves the people behind feeling.  We have to stop sheltering our kids; because we’re raising generations of people who are weaker and less able to handle everyday stress, let alone major crisis.

Wake up!

 

Movies, Madness & Mayhem

So happy that it’s fast approaching the new year.  I can only hope that life will keep getting better and better.

Went to see “Greatest Showman” last night with my son and a few of his friends.  Loved it, even though it is not even close to being a biographical story on P.T. Barnum’s life, it was, however; a great movie.  The music, singing and dancing were excellent.  I’d go see it a 2nd time for sure.  From beautiful clothes and scenery to the great acting, it was a beautiful movie.  It definitely was inspirational in that it encourages us to chase our dreams, no matter what anyone else thinks or feels.

As for the Lord and me, we’ve been trying to communicate to no avail.  I’ve been praying, asking and seeking; but I’m getting confusing replies and I’m sure that it will become clearer to me as time goes on; but at present, I’m hitting a few walls.  I’ve had two dreams on point, though they confused me greatly, I’ve received several picture clues as well; but I think I’m blocking them.  I’ve received several “MY plan, MY will, MY way” scriptures and I’m just hoping that I’ll figure it all out in time.  I think my upset from last week has me shut down on some levels and I have to let that go and continue on.  My heart is hurting; but I will carry on with the faith walk.

As for they mayhem, well, the dog is driving me nuts.  His bladder control problems are wrecking havoc all over the house and I just want to scream.  I know it’s not his fault; but it is messy and driving me nuts just the same.  I mop the floors daily.  As soon as I finish, I’m positive he waits until just then and he does it again.  UGH!

I’ve just finished John Bevere’s book, “Holy Spirit”.  Awesome book.  Loved it.  Can’t wait to start my next one, “Girls with a Sword” by his wife, Lisa Bevere.  I’ve listened to both of them speak on YouTube and am very impressed with their teachings on God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.  I’m trying to grow closer to God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit in my faith walk.  I can only hope to get to the level these two people have reached.

I am currently sharing the job of Audio-Visual duties with another at my church.  Since we no longer have any children for “Kids Church”  I’m not teaching.  We have only 3 youth, who go to AWANA at another church on Wednesday night, so I don’t have duties for them, so I’ve been at a loss.  My dear friend has been doing the AV for years and I had the opportunity to do it for her a few weeks ago since she was unavailable.  Well, I so enjoyed it, I told her I’d love to join her in this duty.  She was overjoyed and I now feel I have renewed purpose in my church life.  So, we’re switching out weeks as needed.  When I have Indoor Drumline duty the end of January and twice in March, she’ll take it and other than that, we’ll have every other week.

I love to serve.  I like to feel useful and I know that this will be the best thing for me after the boy goes off to college.  YEAH!

Can’t wait to see what 2018 has in store for us all!

Grinchmas Party!!!!

Today was my son’s “Grinchmas” Party with his friends here at the house.  Since it was a half day, I picked them up after school and made lunch.

For lunch, I made a spiral ham, mac and cheese, green bean casserole along with spinach-artichoke dip, veggie dip, lentil hummus and various desserts. The kids loved it and they had a great time.  Gifts were exchanged, watched the Grinch movie and laughed their butts off.

One young man, who we’d be trying to figure out what to get him, was very hard to purchase for, so I made him a bunch of “gag” gifts, which we gave  to him first and then his actual gift.

The gag gifts:  A belly button lint cleaner (a pipe cleaner I’d bent to look like a toilet brush 1″ long.  A redneck raincoat (black trash bag), air guitar strings (empty plastic bag), a money clip (paper clip with a penny glued to it), two #2 pencils (with brown, spiraled pipe cleaners on top like the poo emoji), a pet cloud (5 cotton balls glued together with eyes), a natural blow dryer (balloon) and a little bag of pot (plastic pot from a kids kitchen set).  He LOVED it.  Such a great kid and a super fun time he had.  Plus, he loved the other gifts we got him as well.

I am so blessed to have such wonderful young men and women in my life.  They certainly made for a great afternoon.

Yesterday, I was freaking out.  My USMC ring broke.  It’s made with both yellow and white gold and the white gold “eagle, globe & anchor”, which was attached through the middle of the gold ring, broke off.  I had no idea where it was.  I searched for hours.  Drove me nuts!  Couldn’t find it at all.  Tore apart the garbage, looked in the disposal, under the bed, in the sink drain, etc.

I climbed into be last night and there it was, laying under the pillow.  So grateful for finding it!!  Took it to the jeweler today and it will be ready tomorrow.  YEAH!  I’ve had it since 2009 and I felt devastated when I thought it was lost.  Now, I’m celebrating that it can be fixed!!!!  They no longer make it, so I’d have been so distraught over it’s loss.  😦

There are not a lot of things that I have that would make me sad; but not having my ring would be one of them.   It’s a sentimental thing and not a material thing.  Back in 1994, I’d had everything from my child hood to that present day stolen from a storage unit in KY.  I was upset; but the things that were missing that hurt me most were the pictures in my photo albums.  To this day, I’d give anything for them to be returned.  I don’t put much value on material possessions.  Even though I had about $20,000 worth of stuff stolen, collector items that were valuable, it was the pictures and journals.  Oh well.  Can’t get them back.

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!!

 

Finished, done, over!

I’m no longer waiting on God’s plan for my life.  The man has told me in no uncertain terms that I need to be out of his life.  With all due respect, I am not going to remain in someone’s life who no longer wants to be in mine.

I’ve unfriended and blocked him from my social media accounts.

This is typical for my life.  Whatever.  It can never be said that I am one to push myself into someone’s life who so obviously does not want to be in mine.  I guess God was wrong about this one.

I should have known better than to believe anything good would happen in my life like this.  I always fall for the wrong one.  I thought this was going to be the right one, since God gave me so many signs; but I am wrong.  So very wrong. <sigh>

I’m hurting.  What else is new?  Used to being the one who is shit on.  Don’t worry.  I don’t feel sorry for me.  No reason to, either.  My lot in life is to be used and abuse.

I’m dumping all the b.s. too.  I’m getting a dumpster and getting rid of all my crap, too.  Why keep all this meaningless crap?  I don’t need it or want it, so it’s gone.  Life sucks.  Love doesn’t exist and I’m out!

 

Why This Heart?

As I was preparing dinner tonight, I stopped watching my DVR recordings and let the television play in the background.  A movie was playing and it reminds me why I hate romantic movies.  I get sucked in and the next thing I know, I’m crying over two stupid characters that I will never know; because they’re the product of someone’s imagination.

So, I cry out to the Lord and ask him “Why this heart?”  Why do I have so much empathy for others?  Why does this heart have to care so deeply?  Why am I so sympathetic?  Why do I have to be so soft?  Anyone who I come in contact with, no matter what they are feeling, I can feel it so deeply.  If you start to cry near me, I’ll start to cry, too.

Last night, the boy who was baptized at my church the same day as my son, was with us in the car.  He and my son go to school together as well.  He tells me that all the band loves me.  I asked him why and he said because I love them and always have great things to say to them.  I’m always positive and their best cheerleader.  WOW!

They had their winter concert on Thursday and I can’t even tell you how many hugs I got from them.  I could hardly believe how much love I got from them; but I so love them as well and maybe that’s why God gave me this heart.

Sometimes this heart of mine is a curse and sometimes it’s a gift.  When I need to keep it together, and it betrays me, it is a curse.  When it comes to those who need it, it’s my greatest gift.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been like this.  My heart has always been bigger than I like.  I love with a love that destroys me each time someone hurts it.  Whether it is friends, loved ones or strangers, when I’m hurt by another, I am destroyed.  I need to go into hiding and lick my wounds.  I guess that’s why my ex husband nearly killed me when I found out he was cheating on me nearly my whole marriage.  It’s why my best friend’s death was so hard on me.

It’s why this last year has been so hard on me.  I’ve been kicking my own ass, fighting with God, betraying myself and hurting myself with doubt over God’s plan for my life. I’ve cried, screamed, beat myself up, etc.  I’m my own worst enemy at times and yet, I know this is why the Lord is giving me this plan.  He is allowing me to unite with a man who is so worthy of my love and who will love me the same way in return.

So this heart, this heart so full of love, empathy, care and hurt, it’s the only heart I could possibly have.

Giving Gratefully

My daily devotional was about giving with a loving heart.  It never occurred to me that you would give with anything less; but after reading the entire thing, I can see that some would feel less than happy to give.

Me?  I’m a happy, loving giver.  I see something that I know someone will like and I get it and give it, so that I can see their joy that I was thinking of them.  Some people feel they have to give out of obligation.  Not me.  If I don’t have it in me to give a gift, I don’t.  Though, I am mostly a giver, no matter the circumstances.

For example:  I’m preparing for a “Grinchmas” Party on the 22nd.  It’s the last day of school before break and a half day.  Since it’s a half day, I’m making lunch for about 7 kids and I’ve shopped to find the perfect gift for each of them.  I’m decorating the house “Grinchy” and have not only planned the meal; but games and a movie.  The kids are looking forward to it.

The gifts were carefully researched with their likes in mind and I have to say, I do not believe anyone will be disappointed.  At least I hope not. 😀

I’ve always believed it was better to give than receive and have loved finding and giving the perfect gift for those I love.  As a matter of fact, I’ve made and given gifts to at least one person each month of this year.  I began the year with what I called “The Year of RAK”.  I painted, made jewelry or crocheted items for just about everyone on my Facebook friends list.  I made two large blankets and several baby blankets.  I’ve also crocheted three blankets for charity.  I love giving.

BTW, RAK is “random acts of kindness” and were gifts I gave anonymously to friends with a note that said to pay it forward.  It was the best year ever!!!!  I loved seeing them post their joy at a surprise gift from a “stranger” as they said Thank you to “whoever” sent it.  I did it locally and distance.  I’ve enjoyed every little bit of it.  I absolutely loved the satisfaction of giving to them and making them smile.  I even had two friends say it was a blessing to receive on a not so nice kind of day.  😀

I, personally, feel that giving a gift is not an obligation; but a privilege to show someone how much you think of them.  If I don’t think enough of the person to give them a gift, I don’t.  It’s that simple.  If it feels like an obligation, I skip it.  I want to be a joyful giver.  I want my gift to mean something to them and me.

So, remember this holiday season, that it is love in the giving or it’s an impersonal token of obligation. 😦  Hopefully, joyful giving is the win!

Faith it ’til you make it

It’s been over a year now since God gave me a vision of my future.  It’s been a long, hard year for me.  BUT, I persist.  So many times I’ve struggled and wanted to quit and so many times, I’ve come back in faith that what He showed me is meant to be.

Faith in God is not easy.  It is a balancing act on a tight rope, strung between two trees over a canyon.  I’d be lying if I said otherwise.  I believe wholeheartedly in my Lord and Savior that this vision will come to pass.  And yet…….

I struggle!  Yup.  The enemy will whisper in my ear that I’m not good enough.  He starts that whole, “Did God REALLY give you that vision or were you daydreaming?”  Slowly, doubt creeps in and I have a meltdown of godly proportions.

However, the enemy fails, EVERY TIME!   That he does.  You see, when I’m in doubt, I pray!  I pray long and hard.  I pray out my heartache.  I pray for my brokenhearted desire to know that what God has told me is true.  I ask for proof.  I ask for a sign.  I ask when.  I ask how.  I ask where.  And HE answers me!!!  EVERY TIME!!!

I got to asking so many times if God was sure it was going to be this particular person in my life that everywhere I turned, his name was there.  I spent a month seeing this man’s name everywhere I read, saw, watched, and heard.  I couldn’t not see his name.  Multiple times a day, when I least expected it.  As a matter of fact, God stuck me between two boys on a school band competition trip that had this man’s name and I interacted with them all day long.  LOL!

I asked how.  God sent me a dream that showed me “how”.  I stumble in my walk and He lifts me up, dusts me off, and sets me right back on the path again.  I prayed a prayer for His will and I received instruction the next day, along with my intendeds name.  God is good!!!

At present, I’m working on getting closer to the Holy Spirit.  He dwells within me, so I need to be more attentive to His needs and desires.  I need to hear His voice clearer so that I do not grieve Him in anyway.  I want to be a better me so that He is glorified by me.

I know that without God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, I’d have nothing.  I’d be nothing.  I can’t live without them.  I can’t.  Great is the one living inside of me than he who is living in the world.  1 John 4:4

My Savior thinks I’m to die for, so how can I be less than that for Him?

I recently took a “Gifts of the Spirit” test on Lifeway.  The test is designed to tell you what gifts you have received from the Spirit.  My gifts are Faith, Mercy and Giving.  Faith and Mercy scored equally on the test, followed by Giving just two points lower.  None of the other gifts scored as high.  When I read what each one is all about, I see this as how I’ve lived my life.  It makes sense and I only regret not knowing all of this sooner.

When I think of the time I put God on the shelf and lived for me, I see so much waste and loss.  And yet, God did bless me during this time as well and I couldn’t see it for the blinders I was wearing.

I recently spoke with my intended on Messenger.  By the end of our conversation, he told me I was special to him otherwise he’d never have looked for and found me.  He considers me a dear friend.  I am so touched by his words.  He also told me that he has improved in his overall well being and is getting closer to being wiser from his journey and in a better state of mind as he was before he was “broken”.

Ah, brokenness.  How we that suffer PTSD know that word well.  I must say, we never truly become unbroken, we just learn to live with it in a better way.  I’m so happy for him.  His journey has been long and hard, as I know mine has been; but what we are now is such a different individual that I believe we had to go through the storm in order to be stronger, wiser and more understanding.

I look forward to where this journey is taking me and how beautiful it will be. ❤

Wonders & Signs

God of Wonders: Experiencing God’s Voice Through Signs, Wonders, and Miracles by  Brian Guerin is a phenomenal book.  I just finished reading it and am wowed by what Mr. Guerin has revealed about our wonderful Father.

Reading this book will help you grow closer to God and enable you to open up to a whole new world of communication with Him through “signs & wonders”.  I highly recommend it.

We are all made, by God, for a purpose.  No one cares more for us than our Heavenly Father.  Following His purpose is the key to blessings.  God honors humility.  God keeps His promises, always!!!

Before the earth was even formed, our Father knew we’d be here and He knew the reason He wanted us to be here.  We were created for a purpose.  We are to follow the plan He has for our lives.  All we have to do is step out in faith.

Our highest purpose in life is to have a relationship with Abba, the Author and Finisher of our faith.  As we draw nearer to Him, we become more like Him, as He originally desired.

By making God, His voice, His presence, and plan your number one priority in all of life, you will begin to see and hear His voice.  Life is all about Jesus; loving Him, and making Him known.

God always looks at our hearts.  If you have a willing heart, and a desire to obey, He will gladly go out of His way to reiterate what He has told you by way of signs and wonders. If God promises you something, it is certain to be fulfilled.  There are conditions, though.  If you live a life of disobedience, you will not see the promise.  Obey and walk out His plan.

“If you pray for the Spirit of Wisdom and revelation to increase upon your life, a whole new dimension of His voice will open up to you and enlighten you to how often He has been speaking to you; but not heard.” (Brian Guerin)

He created the stars, hung them in the sky and calls them by name, and yet, He wants only for us to love Him, trust Him, know Him and worship Him.

Jeremiah 33:3 “Call to Me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.”  God wants us to seek Him through prayer and to experience new revelations of Him through His word and through the Holy Spirit.

1 Peter 5:6-7 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.   Isn’t that incredible? 

The love that we, as human, share is incomparable to that of the Love of God.  We love; because He loved us first, and He gave us free will to love Him or not.  For those who do love Him, He wants only to see you happy and successful.

Remember, God uses everything for His good.  We will walk in the valley.  We will stumble, fall and fail.  However; God will take that failure, fall or stumble and turn it around, strengthening us for the blessings to come.  He does not cause us to fail, He just uses the experience to improve us.

I cannot tell you how many times I have fallen.  I can tell you that while I was down on the ground I have used the time to pray to our Father for assistance.  I’ve seen the rainbow after the storm.  If we were meant to do it all alone, He’d not reach His hand out to help us.

Philippians 4:13  I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Head Down Amen

 

 

 

Getting Duped

Lo & Behold, I’ve been duped again.  A friend’s son contacted me about 2 weeks about not having any money to pay for some prescriptions.  Me, being me, I asked how much and sent it straight away.  It was so strange to be contacted by this young man, out of the blue; but as I cannot see anyone sick and in need, I let my caring, giving, merciful nature get the better of me and I did what any good mom would do.

You might be asking why his parents were not helping him out.  I got the sob story about his mother not working and his father not caring and not speaking to him, so I am even more of a dope!  He told me his dad works too much and didn’t have time for him and their relationship was strained.  UGH!

About a week later, he had gotten a ticket and needed to pay it right away, so I sent him $125.  Yes, I KNOW!!!  WTH???  Like I said, I’m a sucker for a sob story.  I genuinely felt sorry for the kid.  (Heck, he’s 19 and an adult)

So he contacts me earlier, about mid day (11/20) from the doctors office.  He’s still sick; but now he’s living in his truck at an RV parking lot at night.  He’s okay.  His mom and he had a fight and she kicked him out of the house.  He just lost his job, too and has “no one”.  He tells me he’s all alone.  I’m heartbroken!!

So, I quickly calculate how much money he will need to drive here.  He has a place with me; because I am not going to let him be homeless.  He agrees and says he’ll be on the road by 6 pm.  I wire the money and don’t hear from him.  I wait and message him again about 7 pm.  I check my phone, thinking he may be delayed and find out that the little monster blocked me from contacting him.

Realization comes upon me and I see that I AM A FOOL!!!  Such a fool!!!  “There’s a sucker born everyday!” — PT Barnum.

I almost resent my good nature.  I am humiliated.  I am ashamed.  I am the biggest fool.  This big heart of mine gets me into such trouble.  UGH!

I cried.  I am beyond hurt.  Then, I get mad.

I print/screened our conversations and sent them to his father and mother.  His father and I are friends from our Marine Corps days.  Never met his mom.  He lives with mom.  Chatted with his father. He tells me how the cow eats the cabbage.  Now he’s pissed.  He, also, sent him money for the medication.  He also just sent him money yesterday.  I feel terrible that I have upset my friend; but my motive was to warn him that his son is using his friend list to contact people for money.

His father assured me that it will be taken care of.  I have no doubt.  He is a very good man.  Never heard from the mother.  Whatever.  I felt horrible telling my friend; but I couldn’t let it go, not if he’s using people to get money with sob stories.

I’ve been used and abused this way before.  Think I’d learn, huh?  Nope.  Took in Marianne and her infant son.  Saved the baby’s life.  I got her hooked up with food stamps, Medicaid and care for the baby. After 4 months, she got mad that I wouldn’t let her deadbeat boyfriend stay with me, too, so she ran off.  No gratitude; but I felt good with God over taking her in.

Took in a friend’s daughter.  She was without a job, without a place to stay; but got hooked up with a friend, who couldn’t have both of them.  Kept the girl for 6 months, back and forth to school, clothes, books, computer, etc.  Found out the 14 year old girl was using my computer to exchange nude photos with other underage boys.  I freaked out, told her it was child pornography and she told me it wasn’t.  Showed her the FBI page about it, she told me I made it up.  Called her mother and sent her back to her.  I was not going to jail for some little girl disrespecting me in my own home.  Her mother took away her phone and didn’t let her have internet access any longer; but I was the a$$hole.

Had another friend who robbed me blind!  Then had the nerve to tell me that I was a bad friend.  LOL!

Oh and then there was the gal whose rent I paid for 4 months until I finally let her and her 4 sons move in with us and she destroyed my home.  Her oldest son slept in my sons room and after they left, I found so many empty food boxes and bags shoved under the bed, in the closet and on shelves and in the toy box.  Holes in the walls, too.  At the time they stayed with us, my son and ex both slept in our room and she and her boys used the couch and two other bedrooms.  The damage was expensive. SMH.

I could go on; but I don’t want to.  It’s too embarrassing.  <sigh>