Last week of school!

So happy this is the last week of school.  My son is doing great.  Honor Roll student for the last 3 years and I couldn’t be prouder.  This weekend, the Juniors decorated crowns to wear today for school as the incoming Seniors for 2017-18.  I had three kids here doing it and they came out great.  Each one reflected the person greatly.  Such fun for them.

This has to be a Southern thing; because I’d never heard of it growing up.  It’s cute and they had a blast today.  They’re all looking forward to summer break.  I am, too!  For the first time in over 20 years, I’m going to see a friend.  I so can’t wait.  We’ll be leaving home on the 3rd and spending a couple of weeks up  north.

The drive will be horrible, I’m sure; but we’ll get there. 😀 It’s 17 hours; but I can do it.   Just take lots of breaks and take our time.  Two days should get us there.  He’s as excited to see me as I am to see him.  I’ll be staying with him & his wife and his daughter lives close by.  It’s going to be awesome.  Already have my dog sitter locked on and she comes to stay here while we’re gone.

I’m so hoping and praying that the trip will be great and that I will not feel crappy while I am gone.  Hopefully God will take care of me while I am traveling. 😀

I’ve been doing a lot of journaling, bible study and praying.  Just trying to keep busy for while I await the trip.  Not doing much else these days.

Happy Mother’s Day

I hope your day is spent in beauty and love.

My wish is to always be the best Mother I can be to my son.  The Sarah Connor Meme was what he posted on my FB wall for Mother’s Day.  I guess that speaks for itself. LOL!  Oh how I love that boy of mine. ❤

Friday evening was the Band Awards Night.  My parents came and my son received his Junior year award, his Jazz, Percussion and Marching pins and was named Most Outstanding Musician for this past year.  So proud of him and his accomplishments. Afterwards, I took him, my parents and one of his friends out for dinner at Ruby Tuesdays. Delicious food, great company and lots of laughs.  Gave my mom her gifts for Mother’s Day and we all had a great time.  So blessed to have these great times together.

I know I have a year until my son graduates and we’re making the most of our time together.   The first two weeks after school gets out, we’re going to Virginia to spend time with friends.  Not sure if the whole time will be there; but we shall see.  Also have an open invite from my Uncle in NC to stop by, so I may spend a few days with them as well.

I am so looking forward to our trip.  It’s about a 17 hour drive; but I know the two days it takes to get there will be tedious, however, well worth the hassle.  Seeing a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years.  So blessed to be able to do so.  He’s just had both knees replaced and I just can’t let any more time go between us.  I have to see him.  I can hardly wait to meet his wife.  She’s sweet and kind and has tamed this man a lot from our youth.  I adore them.

This year has gone by quickly; but the last week has seemed to crawl by slowly.  I guess knowing that it is only a few weeks until I get to vacation must be what is making it seem this way.  Of course, the time we’re away will fly by for sure. LOL!

Last week, my cousin laid to rest her boyfriend of 17 years.  It was unexpected.  He had a brain tumor that he didn’t know about, caused him to lapse into a coma and become brain dead within two days.  Devastating her, his family and their friends.  What is strange is that in September, shortly after my own loss, we had gotten together and had discussed what would happen to her if something happened to him.  I had been explaining to her all the things I needed to go through with the power of attorney, lawyer, cremation, etc.   She expressed her concerns about her situation with me and I listened and shared what I knew from my own personal experience.  I hope it led to a talk with him about it.  She hasn’t been up to talking to anyone, so I am not sure.  I feel so bad about the situation.  She loved him so much.

Actively working on my patience.  On my second Max Lucado bible study book.  Did a short one on patience that I’d gotten from another source.  It was only on patience and about 60 pages, but very intense.  I certainly needed that.  Still waiting on God’s perfect timing.  ❤

Arguing with God

I had a fight with God.  Kind of one sided at the time; but I was upset and let Him know about it.  I told Him what my problem was, how my faith was unshakeable, however, I didn’t believe that a particular person was going to come around.  I also mentioned at this point, I didn’t want that person to come around any longer and that he could basically shove it.  I am tired of this person’s current treatment of me and I was done.  Over. Kaput!

Then, I went to sleep.   Take that God!  Do you know what He did?  He put me in my place.  All three “Daily Devotionals” I received yesterday morning had to do with said “conversation”. AND the current chapter of the Max Lucado bible study book I was on and read yesterday also addressed the situation.  Let’s just say that God put me in my place and I humbly begged forgiveness in overstepping and taking my anger out on Him, when He was not the one I was mad with at the time.

Touché’ God, Touché’.  Here I was, all up in His face with my anger, and He simply burst my bubble effectively.  POP!  Brought low by the Man!  <sigh>

On a wonderful note, I sent a graduation card to a friend’s son who will be doing so in two weeks and I received the most wonderful thank you from the young gentleman.  I was touched.  The young man told me he was keeping the card with him so that when he needs motivation he’d refer to it.  I wanted to reach through the internet and hug that child.  ❤ I let him know that he touched my heart with his thanks and that I was available at anytime if he needed motivation or words from God.  I know I told him that he would go far in life, to follow God’s plan, never give up even though people will hurt him and that he is special and God is there for him always.  I even bragged to my women’s bible study this morning about what a great young man he is and a total gentleman.

It is rare today to meet such a wonderful young man who is a gentleman at heart.  So many of the kids I’ve seen at my son’s high school are not.  It is sad.  I’m lucky that my son’s friends are the good ones.  Of course, in this fast paced, rat race of a life we all live in, sometimes kids are left to practically raise themselves.  It’s not fair to them and it’s not fair to their parents; but it’s how it has to be in a two income necessary society.  My son has a friend who’s mom works three jobs as a single mom to two sons and I can only imagine how hard it is on them.  However, her sons are held accountable for all their actions.  She’s a strict task master.

I can only imagine how far my friend’s son will go in this life.  As he goes off to college next year, I will pray for him and his future.  The world is his oyster!

That still, small voice…

Today is the anniversary of the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ, my Lord & Savior.  On this day, God gave His Son to save the world.  ME!   I am awed and honored by this sacrifice, for a sinner like me.

I’m currently doing a personal bible study on Max Lucado’s book, “He Still Moves Stones” and it is wonderful.  God still uses the same book to teach us things that are applicable to us today, The Bible.  The bible is the LIVING word of God.  What was once applied to our world 2,000 plus years ago, is still applied today.  I find my strength in reading God’s word.

For me, I am deep in the word today, looking for answers to today’s situations and I have been finding them.  In Max’s book, he pointed out that even Jesus’ family disrespected Him in his own home town and He left them behind.  Much like I have left my sisters and father behind due to their dislike of me.  WOW!

Prayer was today’s chapter and I must say that I’ve been praying A LOT lately.  I’ve always prayed at the drop of a dime.  If someone is in need, I pray right then for them.  I’ve never been one to shy away from asking my Father to help those in need.  However, I also love to converse with Him.  I tell Him everything.  I have regular conversations with him everyday.

I remember being in a bible study several years ago and our teacher mentioned that she knew a woman years ago who prayed to God to find her keys.  My teacher thought that was a bit silly. She asked the woman why she did that and her response was, “If He can help me find my keys, imagine what He can do for my big needs.”  And from that day forward, I’ve told Him EVERYTHING!

I’ve asked God to help me lay hands on papers I’ve mislaid and found.  I’ve asked God to help me to calm down when I was upset or heard bad news and He has.  Over & over God has answered prayer after prayer for me.  I am so faithful to Him and I believe wholeheartedly that He will see to my needs.  That is why I am waiting on Him to fulfill His promise to me about His plan for my life.  I’m so excited to see it come to fruition and I know there is a lesson in the waiting.  Of course, for me it is to practice patience, my biggest weakness.

When I am in doubt, being beaten up by the enemy, I pray to Him for strength or clarity or whatever it is that I am in need of at that point.  He delivers.  I prayed for clarity on the “who” and he sent me four signs in one morning that it was, indeed, him.  I prayed for it “NOW” and He sent me several scriptures on His perfect timing.  He even made my next morning Daily Devotional on waiting for His perfect timing.  I’ve had doubts it truly is “him” and for Valentine’s day, I had a Hello Kitty valentine show up in my FB feed where Kitty was sending one to “his name”.  It’s been 5 months since promise and I have struggled.  Each time I battle my depression, I am feeling a lot of pain, I am missing this person, I stumble; but I always get up.

Two days ago, I asked for clarity, again, and the cartoon character with his name popped up.  When I told God I completely give up on this person, I turn on the television in the morning and the first thing they say is HIS NAME parkway is shut down.  FIRST THING!!!  All I can say is, it’s HARD to wait when your patience is near non-existent.  LOL!

Of course, it doesn’t help that this man is driving me nuts with his denial.  I think he is not afraid of the future; but afraid that the past will repeat itself and cause him pain.  I have seen what has happened to him and I grieve for his loss.  I have cried gallons of tears for him and mourn over his loss.  I pray for him.  I pray for his healing and strength and family and that if he is not for me, that God will banish him from my heart and mind.  So far, God hasn’t done so and keeps him in my focus. 😀

In the last year, I have grown so much spiritually.  I am so happy with my relationship with God.  I am glad that I can go to Him for everything and anything.  My faith is strong.  My love for Him is eternal.  My belief in His plan for me is solid.

So, on this anniversary of the greatest sacrifice the world has ever seen, I praise my Lord and Savior for who He is, what He has done for me and where I am in His world.

He is Risen! ❤

Frustrations

This past week has been full of some ups; but mostly downs.  I spent 3 days in an unease state.  I could not escape the feeling of dread, uneasy and fear.  I can’t explain it; but it had me very low.  There was a lot of crying, yelling and prayers.  It culminated with a Friday out with my son that ended abruptly when I just couldn’t stop crying and we just headed home.  The poor kid, he didn’t know what to do and I explained to him, that for the first time in 17 years, he has no buffer in his life between us that blocked out my depression from him.  Having PTSD sucks some days.

This is truly the first time that I had a major meltdown with it in a long time. Nothing I did could bring me out of it.  I went to bed early each night.  I took some sleep aids and slept it off like a bad hang over.  Yesterday, we completed the shopping I couldn’t and  ended our evening with church, sandwiches and smiles.  Came on hard and fast and left the same way, as if it never happened.  SMH.

I’ve been doing a home bible study as well as my weekly with my girlfriends.  I’ve got my nose in a few books, too.  One of which is called “Eve” by Wm. Paul Young, the man who wrote “The Shack”.  So far, it’s really good.  I’m only a few chapters in, though.  My home study is another Max Lucado called, “He Still Moves Stones” which is amazing.  I’m burying myself in God’s word, worship and singing to Him.  One of my daily devotionals comes from a site that also sells books and I got an incredible deal on some good ones.  I purchased several of Max’s books for only $5 each.  I’m looking forward to reading each one.

On Thursday, I stopped at Staples on my way to physical therapy and while crossing in the crosswalk, a stopped car proceeded to drive and hit me.  He clipped my knee.  I am not hurt, more outraged by the incident.  It was a Senior Citizen and being me, I am sure that he couldn’t have missed seeing me.  SMH He never stopped, even after he heard my knee hit the car.  Just kept on going.

My son got his learners permit.  Still doesn’t want to drive the car.  LOL!  After our vacation in June, I’m going to hire a driving school for him to take lessons.  Who knows?  Maybe my dad will take him out.  You never can tell with that man.

Today I’ve made two loaves of homemade banana bread and my wings are cooking up for dinner.  Sometimes, I wish I had more people to cook for.  I miss cooking for large quantities of people.  I remember the times I’d invite my co-workers over for dinner and how much I enjoyed cooking for them.  Since it is just the kid and me, I haven’t cooked big in a while.  😦  Heck, I haven’t made a roast in so long, I almost forget how to do it. LOL!.

I’m still waiting on God’s promise.  I am not being very patient.  I am ashamed of my impatience.  I’m trying.  I’m not good at it at all.  I guess that is why God is still making me wait.  <sigh>  I’m jealous of the time others get to spend with him.  I am looking for an acknowledgement of some kind.  A sign that I’m not a fool.  I ask so much of God and I still don’t know how He is putting up with my crazy or how He’s going to make it happen.  I pray a LOT!

PT is going as well as PT can go.  Pain in my shoulder is reduced.  THANK GOD!  I am getting more movement in my shoulder and they use the tens machine on it as well as they put a pain patch on me afterwards.  It’s a steroid with a battery operated pump that pushes the meds through the skin.  I wear it for 3 hours.  I think it’s supposed to help break down the calcium deposits in the area.  Only 4 more weeks to go.

Can hardly wait for June to get here.  Heading up to Virginia to visit a friend and am super excited.  He lives in Staunton, so I’m thinking I might also head to see friends in KY and TN as well, since I’ll be there. 😀 We shall see.

Life is certainly interesting.

Life’s like this sometimes

Today, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on my life.  I reread a few messages I’ve received from a friend who gives great advice and I realize what a wonderful mind he has and what a great way with words.  I admire those who can articulate well.  In a world of hashtags, abbreviations and slang, it is a great thing to be able to string more than two words together that make sense.  So many of my son’s friends can barely speak correctly, let alone write a sentence.  Writing almost seems a lost art; but I hold on to hope.

Anyway, I digress.  This beautiful person’s words so touch my heart and when I compliment, it doesn’t seem to mean as much to him as it does to me.  SMH.

Since injuring my arm/shoulder last week and having the MRI today, I have been a bit sad.  Things don’t seem to be going the way I want them to and I’m not letting God have control and believe me, He’s let me know it, too.  He sent me a scripture about it, too, just to make sure I was paying attention.  Can’t get more specific than “Beautiful things will happen when God says it’s time.”  Oh and I received this as my message from God that day, too:  “Trying to force life to unfold faster than it is mean to is futile.  Call forth your patience and let it move at its own pace.”

Anyway, I saw this injury as a setback and began to get really upset.  I made it into a major deal, even though I just had the MRI today and have no idea the extent of the injury at this point.  I’ve imagined the worse, made it a major setback and have been so upset by the whole thing.  Of course, the fact that the pain was so horrible I wanted to rip the arm off and beat someone with it is beside the point.  I couldn’t even handle pain anymore.  Too much after too long suffering uncontrollable pain as well as not being able to take anything to dull the pain was just too much for me to cope with and I had a mini freak out.

The pain is manageable today and that is a plus.  I began reflecting on my life.  Where I am, where I am going, where I want to be and what God has planned and the path to get there.  I am overwhelmed with it all.  I had to step back, let go of control and let God do the work.  It is not easy.

I have this great hope in God and His plan for my life.  I want it yesterday.  I get overwhelmed by it all.  I sometimes wish He never let me know the plan.  LOL! However, that would not be teaching me the patience He so wants me to learn.

I so wish I could sit down and discuss it with Him in a way that He’d explain it all; but I know that won’t happen.  It’s just not God’s way.   So I, like so many other believers, have to wait and see as this plays out, one day at a time.  I am struggling.  Not that I have doubts in Him.  I have doubts in me.  I have doubts in the plan of how.  I have doubts in the other person coming around.

I’m doing so much praying these days.  I just hope that I will grow closer to Him and him.  I guess only time will tell.

Cruelty

It’s been six months since my best friend died and after my last post, I’ve been reflecting on that relationship and how toxic it truly was. And yet, I took care of him until his dying breath.

We became friends thanks to our children and our exes.  Our children are still best friends.  Our exes destroyed our lives.  Two families ended because two people wanted to play games with our lives.

After my ex tried to kill me in 2009, I was able to relocate and since his ex was not allowing him access to his children, even though he did nothing wrong, he decided he, also needed a fresh start and decided to move with us.

We got a three bedroom house, decided to split living expenses and move away from the two people who were trying to hurt us the most.  He knew if he stayed she’d do something to either put him in jail or worse.  I knew when my ex got out of jail he’d taunt me and torment me for fun.  It was for the best.

My son & I got help.  We were in therapy for a long time.  We began to heal.  My best friend began to drink himself through the pain.  My divorce was final March 2010 and his September 2010.    It wasn’t long after that when we became lovers.  We loved each other; but not the way a man and wife would.  I think it was more convenience than anything else.  Being lovers ended when I had to force us apart when the destruction became too much for me to bear.

He had a mother f*cker in him that was on a crash course to the end.  The more he drank, the worse he became.  He moved into his own apartment in early 2012.  I couldn’t take his cruelty any longer.

We disagree.  He’d get angry and try to force the situation.  He’d destroy my property.  He would throw things around the house.  He’d dump icy cold water on me while I was in the shower.  He’d throw my things out in the yard.  He never paid a single bill, I had to pay for everything.  His check was his own to do with as he pleased.  He cut holes in my clothes.  He would pull meals out of the oven or off the stove and throw them in the trash, uneaten.  He destroyed two of my computers.

I would lock myself in my bedroom, only to have him pick the lock and come in to further torment me.  He would trap me with no escape route so that he could get in my face and tell me what a horrible person I was.  He always told me that my son didn’t love me and was just like his father, just using me.

I spent many nights on my knees in the closet, praying to God to end it.  I wanted to die and I wanted out and I wanted to be free and I wanted it to stop and I wanted it over.  And yet, it went on until I cried so many tears I didn’t think I’d ever cry another, but I did.

I am not innocent in all of this, believe me.  I screamed back at him.  I tried to defend myself.  No matter what I did, I was never good enough and he’d use my behavior as a weapon against me, even when all I was doing was defending myself.

Then, he’d calm down and apologize.  I walked around on eggshells most days.  I never knew what would set him off.  I tried to tell him to get help; but you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.

In 2014, it was the beginning of the end for him.  He started to become really sick.  I stood by him.  He had no one else.  I took him to doctors.  I became his health care advocate.  I took him back into my home when he was so sick he couldn’t care for himself and I was there with him when he drew his last breath.

I helped him to reunite with his brother, whom he had not spoken to in over 30 years.  I took care of every intimate detail of his life.  He was saved and accepted Jesus as his Savior and I know he is in peace, in heaven, right now.

I’m not a saint.  I’m a sinner.  I never did to him the things he had done to me.  He’d push me and I’d push back; but his cruelty was sometimes more than I could bear.  I’d cry, he’d call me a titty baby.  He was good at name calling.  He was good at breaking a person.  But, through it all, I was his friend.

He told me constantly that he loved me.  If that is love, I want no part of it.  I loved him, too; but I wasn’t in love with him and that’s a big difference.  He was like a brother to me.  I never understood the demon on his back.  I have since made peace with God over all that transpired.  I would help him again.  No one should die alone and unloved.

I am not a monster.  I have seen my share of meanness.  I have looked death in the face.  I am at peace with who I am in this world, even if no one appreciates me or loves me.  Despite what people think of me or say about me, I know who I am and what I have done.  Cruelty is not in my DNA.  I’m a call it like I see it kind of person.

In reflection, I see that the people who don’t love me or like me or whatever; are the ones who have hurt me and didn’t like it when I treated them as they did me.  My father doesn’t like it that I stand up for myself.  My sister hates it that I no longer put up with her bull sh*t.  I call a spade a spade.  They think it was so much better when they walked all over me and I let them; but this gal learned to stand up and not take it any more.  I have worth.  I have value and I don’t deserve to be mistreated.

I may never be loved in this life; but that is okay.  I know who I am and so does God and that is all I need.

Love

I’ve never been loved.  Yup, that’s right.  My son loves me; but I’m his mom and it’s kind of a given.  However, to my knowledge, I’ve never been loved by a man.  My ex never loved anyone, he didn’t know how to.  His was a psychopath, so he just didn’t know how.  He spouted it to every woman he ever met; but the true definition of it was lost on him.

As for my best friend, well, he loved his beer more than anything in the world.  He couldn’t love anyone.  Not truly.  At the end of his life, it was always himself he loved and of course, his sons.

My parents have never loved me.  My mother’s favorite thing to say to me growing up was “I hate you, I wish you’d never been born.”  Harsh; but true.  I fought the first 18 years of my life trying to get her to love me and I failed, repeatedly.  No matter how hard I tried, she was still saying it when I was 26 years old.  I was no longer in the USMC and trying to readjust my life around my disabilities when she once again dropped that bomb on me.  I finally stood up to her over it and she hasn’t said it since; but I don’t believe her words of love now.  She just wants to keep the peace so I don’t take her grandson away from her.

My father let it be known 3 years ago what a piece of crap he thinks I am and how he and my sisters can’t stand me and have had to put up with my shit for years.  Oh and my sister let it be known to me last fall that she thinks I’m psychotic.    I can’t even begin to care at all.

The reason I bring it up is because I think there must be something wrong with me.  I present to the world a good person.  I give of my time, my love, my money, my soul to anyone who needs.  No matter what I do, no matter how much I’ve let people use me, I have never been loved.

Men have used my body.  Children have used my kindness and caring.  Women have used my friendship and giving nature.  No one feels the need to give me a thing in return.  And so, I am fatally flawed.

I have looked for love in all the wrong places.  I have never found a thing.  Believe me, I don’t feel sorry for myself.  I am just curious as to why I am so flawed.  I just can’t figure it out.

I had a long conversation with God today and asked him to help me get my son through school and then I will move away, far away and live my life in seclusion.  I don’t want anyone in my life.  I am flawed and I don’t want to ruin anyone else.  Hopefully, God will take me home and I won’t have to hurt anyone with my unlovable self.

Happy March!

Can you believe it is already the 3rd month of the year?  WOW!  How quickly this year is already going by.  I can hardly believe it.

Tomorrow, I’ll be going with three girlfriends to see the new movie, “The Shack”.  I remember when the book came out several years ago.  I did not read it; but I remember how it was talked about.  For some reason, I just couldn’t read it.  However; I am really excited to go see it.  Tim McGraw & Faith Hill recorded the song, “Keep Your Eyes On Me”, which is such a beautiful song.  It was the first song I heard from the movie and I must say that I was hooked.  I also happen to hear Dan & Shay’s “When I Pray For You” and Skillet’s song “Stars”, which I love.  There are several more songs and are easily looked up on youtube.

The movie is going to be incredible, I just know it.  Just seeing the previews has me excited to see it.  I love to see God’s work in action.  It gives me such hope and makes my faith in the Lord so much stronger.  It’s like when I recently watched “I’m Not Shamed”.  Seeing Rachel Scott’s faith walk strengthened me so much.  It gave me such joy to see the movie and how she lived her faith.  Such a beautiful story.

Yesterday at my weekly Bible Study, my dear friend, Gale, told me that this is my year and that God’s light is shining through me.  How sweet.  I must say that I do struggle.  I have more good than bad days.  Bad days are few thus far; but they do happen.  Today has been a struggle.  Not feeling well today, so it’s not such a good day.  Slept 2 hours last night due to it and am thinking of heading to bed early tonight and try to get some sleep.  I may take a sleeping pill to get me there, too.  I rarely do this, so I’m hoping it will knock me out and help me get some restorative sleep.

I stayed in my pj’s all day.  I drove the kid to school and picked him up in them.  Don’t even care.  I feel like crap.  It’s not like anyone saw me or anything and I didn’t stop anywhere.  It’s not like I went to WALMART!!! LOL!  I’m not that girl at all.

Our Bible study has been on 1 Corinthians over the last few weeks since finishing up the book of Job.  Yesterday was Chapter 6 and WOW!  Only 20 verses long, we spent an hour and a half on discussing the immorality in the chapter.  Paul certainly was a wise man and he could take a town to task without being insulting.  He let the people of Corinth know that their back biting and sinful ways were not acceptable behaviors for the newly established church.  Several years ago, I read a book about Paul’s life and how he knew Luke in university and how they met up again years later and worked together on writing the gospels.  The change God made in Paul’s life is amazing and I know that over history, God has done so much for so many in this world.  By looking back at what God has done, my faith is strong.

All the times that God has told the Hebrew People in the bible “Remember what I have done..” is the reason why I look back at what He has done in my own life for me.  I do not let myself forget that he is faithful to me always and that I need to be equally faithful to Him so that I can receive His blessings.  It’s that simple.

When I pray and I don’t receive, I know that He has something even better planned for me.  However, when He has shown me what He has planned for my life, I know that He will bless me in just that way.  God is good, all the time.

My faith is strong in the one who created the universe. ❤

 

I’m Not Ashamed

This evening, I watched the movie, “I’m Not Ashamed”.  It is the Rachael Scott movie.  Rachel was the first person killed in the attack at Columbine High School on April 20, 1999.  I did not intend to watch this movie.  Nope, nada, no way!  Never wanted to watch it at all.  EVER!

I guess I have to go back to April 20, 1999 to explain my reason.  I was living in Navarre, FL at the time, sitting on my love seat, watching the event unfold on my television, just like a lot of people did that day.  I was also 3 1/2 months pregnant with my son.

I sat and watched what I thought was the most horrific act of humanity I had seen in a very long time unfold before my eyes as the world went insane.  I cried countless tears that day over 13 lost souls and for the two young men who ultimately took their own lives.  I was a mess.  I did not sit and blame anyone for this tragedy.  I hurt for the gunmen as well as their victims.  I was angry.  I was upset; but most of all, I was scared.

I was afraid to have my son.  I was afraid to bring a child into a world so out of control that children were killing children.  Of course, this was not the first time that children had killed children.  As a matter of fact, as a 14 year old girl, I babysat for a family whose first child had been killed, at the age of four, by another child with a gun in the home.  Life is not fair.  Events happen for reasons.  Sometimes those reasons make no sense.  Sometimes they do.  Sometimes we can’t see the reason until it has long passed us by.

Nearly 18 years ago, as I watched this on live T.V. I was extremely distraught.  I could not believe that I was going to bring a child into this craziness.  I didn’t want to do it.  I was terrified.  I worried over my baby.  I became hyper vigilant over his well being.  I really believe at this time in my life, if I had been able, I would have kept him safely inside of myself forever.  Life doesn’t always follow our desires and I’m sure that by now, if he were still inside of me, I’d look pretty weird.  LOL!

I did finally get my anxiety under control and did bring him into the world safely and have been protecting him ever since.  Sometimes that hasn’t always been the right thing and I did have to learn to let go of my iron fisted control.  I have allowed him to become an independent young man (grudgingly) and support him in his dreams.

“I’m Not Ashamed” is a “Pure Flix” movie.  I saw it at Redbox and decided to rent it, not realizing that it was about Rachel Scott.  I just love to watch P.F. movies.  I do not think I would have rented it had I realized it was about Columbine.  I knew I’d cry.  I knew I’d remember that day.  I didn’t want to go back and become paralyzed with fear.

Several minutes into the movie, when I realized what is was about, the tears began to stream down my face.  Miss Honi jumped into my lap and offered me comfort throughout the entire length and I got many kisses and snuggles.  She’s an angel.

I watched a young woman go from faithful to questioning her faith to faithful once again.  I watched her help those in need.  I watched her compassion, heartbreak, struggle and growth.  Excerpts from her journals were read throughout.  We got first hand knowledge of her deepest thoughts and feelings.  I got to know her on a personal level and she is the kind of gal a mom could be so proud to call daughter.

She was her own person and stood by what she believed in.  Rachel touched many lives.  She even told her best friend, Nathan, that she could not see her future, that she couldn’t see past the now, like she had no future.  However, she also stated that she wanted to touch peoples lives, make an impact in Jesus name.

Rachel Scott has reached millions and millions of people.  Her story, her faith and her death have touched the lives of so many, making the impact the young lady wanted in sharing her love for Jesus.  She died, standing by her convictions and love of Jesus.  She would not deny Him.

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man would lay down his life for his friends!”  John 15:13

Through great tragedy comes great hope.  Rachel Scott is an inspiration and I am glad I was able to get to know this remarkable young woman through this movie.  God has a plan for all of us.  He can turn a mess into a message.

e4948bdae0ea252d05fd637fe35f1629.jpg