Amazing Day!!

So, my breathing machine had a message on it “Attention, motor has exceeded limit.” So, I call the VA Sleep Clinic when they open at 8 am.   They get me in TODAY and I get a new machine and a tiny mask to fit my little nose.  OMG it is the smallest one they have for a child and is perfect for me and doesn’t really bother my Trigeminal Nerve like the other ones do.  YEAH!!!  God is good!

I get up at 6:30 am and let the dogs out and wait for the clinic to open.  Well, I log onto FB to post on my church FB page the daily scripture and prayer and after 8 months of praying for my guy to get a better job or at least one where he isn’t traveling as much and LOW & BEHOLD, HE DID!  I freaked out!!

HALLELUJAH!!!!  First step in God’s master plan.  Oh how sweet it is.  I have been on cloud nine ever since.  I tell you, Our God is faithful to those who are faithful and true to him.

Each night, I include in my prayers that God put a protective hedge around my guy, keeping him safe from any harm while traveling to and from work.  I ask God to heal his body, mind, spirit, soul and heart.  I ask God to keep his family safe so that he has no worries for them while he is traveling.  I ask that he meet with Godly people who will keep his eyes focused on the Lord.  I ask God to protect his job or get him one that doesn’t require him to travel and work so many hours.  To let him get enough sleep and rest.  And lastly, I ask God to write our love story so that it is truly beautiful. 

I’m actually giddy to see what He has in store for us!!!!!  I can’t even imagine.  All I know is that God let me know that it will involve a phone call from him to me.  When?  No clue.  How?  No clue.  All I know is that I will at some time in the future.

Knowing, beyond a doubt, that he is going to be mine is a thrill in itself.  I will continue to pray for him, for us and as usual for anyone who is in need.  Pray Until Something Happens.

001bc00fc6a1b297b1fc33378de03366

Summer

Summer here in Florida is always hard for me.  Daily summer storms and low pressure cause me such physical distress.  From headaches and constant nerve pain to pains in my feet and hands drive me crazy.  Come the end of September, it will be 25 years of this body of mine beating me down.  <sigh> Such is life.

I hate complaining.  I truly do.  It doesn’t help me, it doesn’t help anyone, so I mostly keep it to myself.  Of course, in a moment of true weakness, I do let the pain get the better of me and cry out about it.

I have been waiting 8 months now on God’s plan.  I’m not sure if I wrote about it; but while reading a book a couple weeks ago, the author asked if the reader ever prayed for “God’s Will”.  I was stunned.  I have prayed for discernment, I’ve prayed for the plan,  prayed for understanding; but not specifically for God’s will.  So, I found this prayer and did so.

Gods Will.jpgThe very next day, in my morning study, I received my answer, which was not just to dig deeper into God’s word; but also the name of the MAN who it would be, same man’s name that he has sent me from day one and every time I’ve ask for clarity on the man, I’ve been given the name as well as the nickname of the man.  GOD IS GOOD!

I cannot, in my wildest dreams, have imagined such clear direction from God and such clarity in all of my faith walk.  I am beyond blessed by this loving and gracious Lord.  I look so forward to God bringing His plan for my life to fruition.  Oh, how I long for my blessing from the Lord.

I love this man.  I love him because the Lord has given him to me.  I only long to get to know him so that the love the Lord has in store for me will solidify with who the man is.  I know he is a good man.  I know he is honorable.  I know that he is kind.  I know that he has a good heart.  Now, I need to know the “day to day” ins and outs of the person he is.  Only time will tell, in God’s perfect timing.

I have dug in deep to the word of the Lord.  I love to do so.  I love to read it and study it.  I thank the Lord for His part in my life.

 

 

 

Mr. Tin Man

Miranda Lambert has a song out called “Tin Man” which addresses the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz, going on about how if he’d ever felt his heart break, he’d never want a heart.  It is such a beautiful song and I just love it.

And here I am, feeling at the end of my rope.  I hate how terrible I am feeling of late.  Summers in Florida are really hard for me with all the storms that plague the area, making me feel so miserable.  Lupus, TN, Fibro, etc. plays hell in these summer storms.

I’d rather die with honor and dignity than the slow and agonizing death of lupus.  The fact that my own body is what is killing me off is poetic justice.  I couldn’t die as a Marine on the battlefield or saving someone’s life; but as a result of the internal battle within my own pathetic body.

My own body can’t fight infection.  I feel so weak where I used to be so strong.  I’m a mess.  After 24 years of struggling with pain, which has always been tough, I find that I’ve reached the end of the road.

I’m so tired.  I just want to give up.  I don’t feel that I can fight this any longer.  It would be so easy to slip away, sleep the eternal rest.   I would take my own life if it wouldn’t leave my son behind and the heartache it would give him.  I can’t do that.

Bravery?  What does it mean?  Is it taking that leap of faith and taking chances?  Is it fighting the unknown for the greater good?  I’m not sure anymore.  I know I’m not brave enough to face the unknown right now.

I listened to Martina McBride’s song, “Anyway” and it makes me want to go forth and do battle; but the emotional turmoil and the heartache to come have me scared.

“You can love someone with all your heart, For all the right reasons, And in a moment they can choose to walk away, Love ’em anyway…… I sing I dream I love anyway”

I used to be a big risk taker; but found I gave my heart to someone who could not take the same risks.  I am so hurt by this.  I’ve decided to close myself off from the world and let it end.  I can’t risk the pain anymore.  I’d love to be able to; but my emotional well being is at stake, as well as my physical well being.

Of course, I have loved my son, whom is the miracle I never knew I would get.  My love for him is eternal.

I know a boy that has faced so much more than I have and he’s but a 10 years old.  Can I give up in the face of what I know “Robo-boy” will be going through?  Can I give up and show him that I’m not as strong as he is?  Is that fair to him?  Can I take away his faith?

Or do I stand strong against impossible odds and fight like the devil to survive the uncertainty that my life has so become?  Decisions are so hard to make right now.

I’m wrapped in barbed wire and roses, if you come too close, you will be hurt.

And I sometimes wish I were like the Tin Man, without a heart.  Just so I won’t feel my heart breaking each day.

God, please get me through this.  I don’t know how much more I can go forward and take in this miserable heart.  Abba, I want to come home.  I want to be with you and walk with you in the cool of the day in Paradise, basking in Your great love.  I’m so tired of stumbling through this horrible world.  What is the point?

Prednisone is Satan’s answer to Lupus.  Take these nasty things and look like a fat, chipmunk cheeked Ompa-Lumpa.  It’s no wonder I’m alone.  I hate that not only is my body beating itself up; but that bastard is invading my mind with his bull sh*t rhetoric.  It’s echoing in my mind.  Has to kick a gal when she’s down.  Jerk!  If I could get my hands on him, I’d kick the crap out of him.

Here it is, the pity train is leaving the station and is on the express line to full blown tantrum.  Crying and upset over a body that is bent on killing itself slowly and a mind full of lies.

All aboard………

unbreakable

 

Musings and such.

Happy Independence Day, America!!!

Ever since my vacation up north, I’ve been sick or suffered with migraines.  Finally got rid of the bronchitis and now it’s just migraine central. UGH!  Let’s just say, the rainy season aka Florida summer is here in full force.  Let the suffering begin.  Ha, ha.

I recently read the book, “God, Where is my Boaz” by Stephan Labossiere.  It was short and sweet and to the point.  The author, who really got me thinking, told how God works in our lives, even when we are waiting on His plan for us.  The author gave tips on what to do in the waiting time; but also how to effectively pray to God so that we can get answers and not just “assume” that the next man we meet is going to be “the one.”

So, I prayed to God that night, after finishing the book.  Using a prayer to discover God’s Will for my life and if said man, whom I’ve known by name since November was HIM (again — as we know I have done numerous times over the last 8 mths) and received not only his NAME in my daily devotional; but also that I needed to dig in deeper to the word of God to get my “Boaz”.  Talk about a break through!!!!  YEAH!

Now, I pray daily so many times, but I never prayed for God’s Will before.  I prayed for discernment, for proof of the man, for peace, for a time table; but not for God’s Will.  Finally, I’m making progress.  LOL!

I want to get so much closer to God and receive my blessing from Him.  However, I also want to stay close to the Lord for the rest of my life.  I know He has picked a wonderful man for me and I only have to wait on His perfect timing in order to get to the plan.  I am committed to God and His will for my life.  I hope I don’t disappoint Him.

One of the other things Mr. Labossiere stated in his book was that a woman should prepare herself to be with her “Boaz” and I must confess that I’ve been doing that as well.  We need to forgive ourselves as well as those who hurt us in the past.  I’ve done this already.  However, fearing I will repeat mistakes or hurt this man, I’ve also been preparing to be a “Godly Wife” to my “Boaz”.

I’m not sure of the reality of it; but I’ve restructured my way of thinking when it comes to how to handle conflict, struggles, living with someone again and other things that will be challenging to a married couple.  I have one more school year with my son before college and he has all adult children.  Distance is an issue in the beginning.  However, if it is God Sanctioned, there will be a way.  I have faith.  I trust God and I look forward to the Love Story he is writing for us. ❤

0a4b5a5c0ac29f3697aa294a4d194ca9

Last week of school!

So happy this is the last week of school.  My son is doing great.  Honor Roll student for the last 3 years and I couldn’t be prouder.  This weekend, the Juniors decorated crowns to wear today for school as the incoming Seniors for 2017-18.  I had three kids here doing it and they came out great.  Each one reflected the person greatly.  Such fun for them.

This has to be a Southern thing; because I’d never heard of it growing up.  It’s cute and they had a blast today.  They’re all looking forward to summer break.  I am, too!  For the first time in over 20 years, I’m going to see a friend.  I so can’t wait.  We’ll be leaving home on the 3rd and spending a couple of weeks up  north.

The drive will be horrible, I’m sure; but we’ll get there. 😀 It’s 17 hours; but I can do it.   Just take lots of breaks and take our time.  Two days should get us there.  He’s as excited to see me as I am to see him.  I’ll be staying with him & his wife and his daughter lives close by.  It’s going to be awesome.  Already have my dog sitter locked on and she comes to stay here while we’re gone.

I’m so hoping and praying that the trip will be great and that I will not feel crappy while I am gone.  Hopefully God will take care of me while I am traveling. 😀

I’ve been doing a lot of journaling, bible study and praying.  Just trying to keep busy for while I await the trip.  Not doing much else these days.

I Drive Myself Crazy!

I truly don’t need anyone else to do it; because I do it all by myself. LOL!

I’ve been following the adventures of Jonathan & Ben Carlin on youtube under the name “supercarlinbrothers”.  They do two new videos a week in which they discuss various topics.  They’ve been around for the last 5 years at least and I just discovered them and do enjoy their theories, adventures and commentary.

Finished my last day of PT on Friday and feel a heck of a lot better than I did when I initially hurt my shoulder.  So grateful for that.  Will miss my therapist, Hailey.  We had a lot of fun teasing each other and making the 45 minute session go quickly.

Considering joining a gym; but don’t like it how they seem to have all these hidden fees that spring up once you’re sucked in.  UGH!  Maybe after my vacation I’ll do it.  At present, I’m doing the exercises here, so as long as I continue, I should be okay with it.

VACATION!!!!  I’ll be taking my son with me up to Virginia the first two weeks of June to visit one of my dearest friends from my USMC days.  He and his wife invited us up and though we have never lost touch all these years, we haven’t seen each other in 20 years.  It is going to be a nice visit for sure.  I’m counting the days! 😀

Three more chapters in “He Still Moves Stones” and it has been a fantastic journey.  My women’s bible study has only 3 more chapters in 1 Corinthians before we break for the summer.  We just did 1 Cor 13 and went verse by verse on it in discussion.  We tore it apart and learned a lot about God’s Love.  Without love, our whole lives are incomplete.

I’ve been keeping a vision journal alongside my current prayer journal, which chronicles my vision journey.  The good, the bad and the ugly in black and white.  I keep so many journals for various things.  scripture, life, prompts, pain, etc.  I am also writing in one as letters to my love, all about different aspects of my life and as a way to talk to him when he won’t talk to me.  Such a difficult journey, to wait on the Lord’s perfect timing; but I am doing what I need to do to get through it.

The best part of this journey, though, is that God is answering me all the time.  It is so strange, too.  I pray to him and then He will show me through my daily devotional or even through my personal bible study.  I was reading the book and two chapters, each on the days I had questions or needs, revealed to me what I needed to hear.  It was incredible.  I talked with my son about it and he laughs at me; but he also believes me.  He laughs; but it has more to do with the way I tell him about it than the message.  My faith is strong.

God put on my heart this week to make a motivation/scripture book for my friend’s son who is graduating.  I put photos in it with things like he was wanted, he has a purpose, God has a plan, prayer works, etc. I felt with our conversation that he may have been in need.  Then, once I got the thought, I couldn’t get rid of it, so I finally did it and feel better about doing it.  Sent it out Friday and he should get it Monday or Tuesday.  He’s a really sweeet young man.  I only hope he likes it.

My son’s concert is on Tuesday.  Last of this school year.  He also has an awards banquet on the 12th.  I’m only hoping the time flies; because I so want to go on vacation. LOL!  Only 20 days of school left for him.  YEAH!  I can hardly believe he’s going to be a Senior next year.  Time flies.

 

Arguing with God

I had a fight with God.  Kind of one sided at the time; but I was upset and let Him know about it.  I told Him what my problem was, how my faith was unshakeable, however, I didn’t believe that a particular person was going to come around.  I also mentioned at this point, I didn’t want that person to come around any longer and that he could basically shove it.  I am tired of this person’s current treatment of me and I was done.  Over. Kaput!

Then, I went to sleep.   Take that God!  Do you know what He did?  He put me in my place.  All three “Daily Devotionals” I received yesterday morning had to do with said “conversation”. AND the current chapter of the Max Lucado bible study book I was on and read yesterday also addressed the situation.  Let’s just say that God put me in my place and I humbly begged forgiveness in overstepping and taking my anger out on Him, when He was not the one I was mad with at the time.

Touché’ God, Touché’.  Here I was, all up in His face with my anger, and He simply burst my bubble effectively.  POP!  Brought low by the Man!  <sigh>

On a wonderful note, I sent a graduation card to a friend’s son who will be doing so in two weeks and I received the most wonderful thank you from the young gentleman.  I was touched.  The young man told me he was keeping the card with him so that when he needs motivation he’d refer to it.  I wanted to reach through the internet and hug that child.  ❤ I let him know that he touched my heart with his thanks and that I was available at anytime if he needed motivation or words from God.  I know I told him that he would go far in life, to follow God’s plan, never give up even though people will hurt him and that he is special and God is there for him always.  I even bragged to my women’s bible study this morning about what a great young man he is and a total gentleman.

It is rare today to meet such a wonderful young man who is a gentleman at heart.  So many of the kids I’ve seen at my son’s high school are not.  It is sad.  I’m lucky that my son’s friends are the good ones.  Of course, in this fast paced, rat race of a life we all live in, sometimes kids are left to practically raise themselves.  It’s not fair to them and it’s not fair to their parents; but it’s how it has to be in a two income necessary society.  My son has a friend who’s mom works three jobs as a single mom to two sons and I can only imagine how hard it is on them.  However, her sons are held accountable for all their actions.  She’s a strict task master.

I can only imagine how far my friend’s son will go in this life.  As he goes off to college next year, I will pray for him and his future.  The world is his oyster!

He Is Risen!!!

As Easter is fast approaching, it is a glorious celebration of our Savior and His resurrection from the grave.  My Savior Lives!

Tonight, our Pastor used 1 Corinthians 15:1-9 to illustrate what this means to us.

1 Corinthians 15New King James Version (NKJV)

The Risen Christ, Faith’s Reality

15 Moreover, brethren, I declare to you the gospel which I preached to you, which also you received and in which you stand, by which also you are saved, if you hold fast that word which I preached to you—unless you believed in vain.

For I delivered to you first of all that which I also received: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, and that He was buried, and that He rose again the third day according to the Scriptures, and that He was seen by Cephas, then by the twelve. After that He was seen by over five hundred brethren at once, of whom the greater part remain to the present, but some have fallen asleep. After that He was seen by James, then by all the apostles. Then last of all He was seen by me also, as by one born out of due time.

For I am the least of the apostles, who am not worthy to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. 10 But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain; but I labored more abundantly than they all, yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me. 11 Therefore, whether it was I or they, so we preach and so you believed.

The Resurrection changed the earth.  It changed us.  It changed the world.

The Resurrection changed:

The Cross ~~ It is now a symbol and reminder to us of God’s Love for us.  No longer is it the horrible death of crucifixion.

The Grave ~~ We rejoice in the fact that we’ll live forever with our Father in eternity, no longer are we put in the ground and left there with no hope.

Death ~~ Before it was “The End”, now it is the “Beginning”, a great hope that we will live forever with Christ.  ETERNITY!  The promise of everlasting life.

How joyous life has become, knowing that we are saved by His grace and love.

1 Corinthians  51 Behold, I tell you a mystery: We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed— 52 in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.

1 Corinthians 57 But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Oh Happy Day!  He is RISEN!  He LIVES! He REIGNS!

That still, small voice…

Today is the anniversary of the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ, my Lord & Savior.  On this day, God gave His Son to save the world.  ME!   I am awed and honored by this sacrifice, for a sinner like me.

I’m currently doing a personal bible study on Max Lucado’s book, “He Still Moves Stones” and it is wonderful.  God still uses the same book to teach us things that are applicable to us today, The Bible.  The bible is the LIVING word of God.  What was once applied to our world 2,000 plus years ago, is still applied today.  I find my strength in reading God’s word.

For me, I am deep in the word today, looking for answers to today’s situations and I have been finding them.  In Max’s book, he pointed out that even Jesus’ family disrespected Him in his own home town and He left them behind.  Much like I have left my sisters and father behind due to their dislike of me.  WOW!

Prayer was today’s chapter and I must say that I’ve been praying A LOT lately.  I’ve always prayed at the drop of a dime.  If someone is in need, I pray right then for them.  I’ve never been one to shy away from asking my Father to help those in need.  However, I also love to converse with Him.  I tell Him everything.  I have regular conversations with him everyday.

I remember being in a bible study several years ago and our teacher mentioned that she knew a woman years ago who prayed to God to find her keys.  My teacher thought that was a bit silly. She asked the woman why she did that and her response was, “If He can help me find my keys, imagine what He can do for my big needs.”  And from that day forward, I’ve told Him EVERYTHING!

I’ve asked God to help me lay hands on papers I’ve mislaid and found.  I’ve asked God to help me to calm down when I was upset or heard bad news and He has.  Over & over God has answered prayer after prayer for me.  I am so faithful to Him and I believe wholeheartedly that He will see to my needs.  That is why I am waiting on Him to fulfill His promise to me about His plan for my life.  I’m so excited to see it come to fruition and I know there is a lesson in the waiting.  Of course, for me it is to practice patience, my biggest weakness.

When I am in doubt, being beaten up by the enemy, I pray to Him for strength or clarity or whatever it is that I am in need of at that point.  He delivers.  I prayed for clarity on the “who” and he sent me four signs in one morning that it was, indeed, him.  I prayed for it “NOW” and He sent me several scriptures on His perfect timing.  He even made my next morning Daily Devotional on waiting for His perfect timing.  I’ve had doubts it truly is “him” and for Valentine’s day, I had a Hello Kitty valentine show up in my FB feed where Kitty was sending one to “his name”.  It’s been 5 months since promise and I have struggled.  Each time I battle my depression, I am feeling a lot of pain, I am missing this person, I stumble; but I always get up.

Two days ago, I asked for clarity, again, and the cartoon character with his name popped up.  When I told God I completely give up on this person, I turn on the television in the morning and the first thing they say is HIS NAME parkway is shut down.  FIRST THING!!!  All I can say is, it’s HARD to wait when your patience is near non-existent.  LOL!

Of course, it doesn’t help that this man is driving me nuts with his denial.  I think he is not afraid of the future; but afraid that the past will repeat itself and cause him pain.  I have seen what has happened to him and I grieve for his loss.  I have cried gallons of tears for him and mourn over his loss.  I pray for him.  I pray for his healing and strength and family and that if he is not for me, that God will banish him from my heart and mind.  So far, God hasn’t done so and keeps him in my focus. 😀

In the last year, I have grown so much spiritually.  I am so happy with my relationship with God.  I am glad that I can go to Him for everything and anything.  My faith is strong.  My love for Him is eternal.  My belief in His plan for me is solid.

So, on this anniversary of the greatest sacrifice the world has ever seen, I praise my Lord and Savior for who He is, what He has done for me and where I am in His world.

He is Risen! ❤

Frustrations

This past week has been full of some ups; but mostly downs.  I spent 3 days in an unease state.  I could not escape the feeling of dread, uneasy and fear.  I can’t explain it; but it had me very low.  There was a lot of crying, yelling and prayers.  It culminated with a Friday out with my son that ended abruptly when I just couldn’t stop crying and we just headed home.  The poor kid, he didn’t know what to do and I explained to him, that for the first time in 17 years, he has no buffer in his life between us that blocked out my depression from him.  Having PTSD sucks some days.

This is truly the first time that I had a major meltdown with it in a long time. Nothing I did could bring me out of it.  I went to bed early each night.  I took some sleep aids and slept it off like a bad hang over.  Yesterday, we completed the shopping I couldn’t and  ended our evening with church, sandwiches and smiles.  Came on hard and fast and left the same way, as if it never happened.  SMH.

I’ve been doing a home bible study as well as my weekly with my girlfriends.  I’ve got my nose in a few books, too.  One of which is called “Eve” by Wm. Paul Young, the man who wrote “The Shack”.  So far, it’s really good.  I’m only a few chapters in, though.  My home study is another Max Lucado called, “He Still Moves Stones” which is amazing.  I’m burying myself in God’s word, worship and singing to Him.  One of my daily devotionals comes from a site that also sells books and I got an incredible deal on some good ones.  I purchased several of Max’s books for only $5 each.  I’m looking forward to reading each one.

On Thursday, I stopped at Staples on my way to physical therapy and while crossing in the crosswalk, a stopped car proceeded to drive and hit me.  He clipped my knee.  I am not hurt, more outraged by the incident.  It was a Senior Citizen and being me, I am sure that he couldn’t have missed seeing me.  SMH He never stopped, even after he heard my knee hit the car.  Just kept on going.

My son got his learners permit.  Still doesn’t want to drive the car.  LOL!  After our vacation in June, I’m going to hire a driving school for him to take lessons.  Who knows?  Maybe my dad will take him out.  You never can tell with that man.

Today I’ve made two loaves of homemade banana bread and my wings are cooking up for dinner.  Sometimes, I wish I had more people to cook for.  I miss cooking for large quantities of people.  I remember the times I’d invite my co-workers over for dinner and how much I enjoyed cooking for them.  Since it is just the kid and me, I haven’t cooked big in a while.  😦  Heck, I haven’t made a roast in so long, I almost forget how to do it. LOL!.

I’m still waiting on God’s promise.  I am not being very patient.  I am ashamed of my impatience.  I’m trying.  I’m not good at it at all.  I guess that is why God is still making me wait.  <sigh>  I’m jealous of the time others get to spend with him.  I am looking for an acknowledgement of some kind.  A sign that I’m not a fool.  I ask so much of God and I still don’t know how He is putting up with my crazy or how He’s going to make it happen.  I pray a LOT!

PT is going as well as PT can go.  Pain in my shoulder is reduced.  THANK GOD!  I am getting more movement in my shoulder and they use the tens machine on it as well as they put a pain patch on me afterwards.  It’s a steroid with a battery operated pump that pushes the meds through the skin.  I wear it for 3 hours.  I think it’s supposed to help break down the calcium deposits in the area.  Only 4 more weeks to go.

Can hardly wait for June to get here.  Heading up to Virginia to visit a friend and am super excited.  He lives in Staunton, so I’m thinking I might also head to see friends in KY and TN as well, since I’ll be there. 😀 We shall see.

Life is certainly interesting.