Musings and such.

Happy Independence Day, America!!!

Ever since my vacation up north, I’ve been sick or suffered with migraines.  Finally got rid of the bronchitis and now it’s just migraine central. UGH!  Let’s just say, the rainy season aka Florida summer is here in full force.  Let the suffering begin.  Ha, ha.

I recently read the book, “God, Where is my Boaz” by Stephan Labossiere.  It was short and sweet and to the point.  The author, who really got me thinking, told how God works in our lives, even when we are waiting on His plan for us.  The author gave tips on what to do in the waiting time; but also how to effectively pray to God so that we can get answers and not just “assume” that the next man we meet is going to be “the one.”

So, I prayed to God that night, after finishing the book.  Using a prayer to discover God’s Will for my life and if said man, whom I’ve known by name since November was HIM (again — as we know I have done numerous times over the last 8 mths) and received not only his NAME in my daily devotional; but also that I needed to dig in deeper to the word of God to get my “Boaz”.  Talk about a break through!!!!  YEAH!

Now, I pray daily so many times, but I never prayed for God’s Will before.  I prayed for discernment, for proof of the man, for peace, for a time table; but not for God’s Will.  Finally, I’m making progress.  LOL!

I want to get so much closer to God and receive my blessing from Him.  However, I also want to stay close to the Lord for the rest of my life.  I know He has picked a wonderful man for me and I only have to wait on His perfect timing in order to get to the plan.  I am committed to God and His will for my life.  I hope I don’t disappoint Him.

One of the other things Mr. Labossiere stated in his book was that a woman should prepare herself to be with her “Boaz” and I must confess that I’ve been doing that as well.  We need to forgive ourselves as well as those who hurt us in the past.  I’ve done this already.  However, fearing I will repeat mistakes or hurt this man, I’ve also been preparing to be a “Godly Wife” to my “Boaz”.

I’m not sure of the reality of it; but I’ve restructured my way of thinking when it comes to how to handle conflict, struggles, living with someone again and other things that will be challenging to a married couple.  I have one more school year with my son before college and he has all adult children.  Distance is an issue in the beginning.  However, if it is God Sanctioned, there will be a way.  I have faith.  I trust God and I look forward to the Love Story he is writing for us. ❤

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Cruelty

It’s been six months since my best friend died and after my last post, I’ve been reflecting on that relationship and how toxic it truly was. And yet, I took care of him until his dying breath.

We became friends thanks to our children and our exes.  Our children are still best friends.  Our exes destroyed our lives.  Two families ended because two people wanted to play games with our lives.

After my ex tried to kill me in 2009, I was able to relocate and since his ex was not allowing him access to his children, even though he did nothing wrong, he decided he, also needed a fresh start and decided to move with us.

We got a three bedroom house, decided to split living expenses and move away from the two people who were trying to hurt us the most.  He knew if he stayed she’d do something to either put him in jail or worse.  I knew when my ex got out of jail he’d taunt me and torment me for fun.  It was for the best.

My son & I got help.  We were in therapy for a long time.  We began to heal.  My best friend began to drink himself through the pain.  My divorce was final March 2010 and his September 2010.    It wasn’t long after that when we became lovers.  We loved each other; but not the way a man and wife would.  I think it was more convenience than anything else.  Being lovers ended when I had to force us apart when the destruction became too much for me to bear.

He had a mother f*cker in him that was on a crash course to the end.  The more he drank, the worse he became.  He moved into his own apartment in early 2012.  I couldn’t take his cruelty any longer.

We disagree.  He’d get angry and try to force the situation.  He’d destroy my property.  He would throw things around the house.  He’d dump icy cold water on me while I was in the shower.  He’d throw my things out in the yard.  He never paid a single bill, I had to pay for everything.  His check was his own to do with as he pleased.  He cut holes in my clothes.  He would pull meals out of the oven or off the stove and throw them in the trash, uneaten.  He destroyed two of my computers.

I would lock myself in my bedroom, only to have him pick the lock and come in to further torment me.  He would trap me with no escape route so that he could get in my face and tell me what a horrible person I was.  He always told me that my son didn’t love me and was just like his father, just using me.

I spent many nights on my knees in the closet, praying to God to end it.  I wanted to die and I wanted out and I wanted to be free and I wanted it to stop and I wanted it over.  And yet, it went on until I cried so many tears I didn’t think I’d ever cry another, but I did.

I am not innocent in all of this, believe me.  I screamed back at him.  I tried to defend myself.  No matter what I did, I was never good enough and he’d use my behavior as a weapon against me, even when all I was doing was defending myself.

Then, he’d calm down and apologize.  I walked around on eggshells most days.  I never knew what would set him off.  I tried to tell him to get help; but you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.

In 2014, it was the beginning of the end for him.  He started to become really sick.  I stood by him.  He had no one else.  I took him to doctors.  I became his health care advocate.  I took him back into my home when he was so sick he couldn’t care for himself and I was there with him when he drew his last breath.

I helped him to reunite with his brother, whom he had not spoken to in over 30 years.  I took care of every intimate detail of his life.  He was saved and accepted Jesus as his Savior and I know he is in peace, in heaven, right now.

I’m not a saint.  I’m a sinner.  I never did to him the things he had done to me.  He’d push me and I’d push back; but his cruelty was sometimes more than I could bear.  I’d cry, he’d call me a titty baby.  He was good at name calling.  He was good at breaking a person.  But, through it all, I was his friend.

He told me constantly that he loved me.  If that is love, I want no part of it.  I loved him, too; but I wasn’t in love with him and that’s a big difference.  He was like a brother to me.  I never understood the demon on his back.  I have since made peace with God over all that transpired.  I would help him again.  No one should die alone and unloved.

I am not a monster.  I have seen my share of meanness.  I have looked death in the face.  I am at peace with who I am in this world, even if no one appreciates me or loves me.  Despite what people think of me or say about me, I know who I am and what I have done.  Cruelty is not in my DNA.  I’m a call it like I see it kind of person.

In reflection, I see that the people who don’t love me or like me or whatever; are the ones who have hurt me and didn’t like it when I treated them as they did me.  My father doesn’t like it that I stand up for myself.  My sister hates it that I no longer put up with her bull sh*t.  I call a spade a spade.  They think it was so much better when they walked all over me and I let them; but this gal learned to stand up and not take it any more.  I have worth.  I have value and I don’t deserve to be mistreated.

I may never be loved in this life; but that is okay.  I know who I am and so does God and that is all I need.

The Shack

If you want to see an extraordinary movie, I highly recommend “The Shack”.  You will laugh, you will cry and you will experience a miracle as long as your heart is open.

As someone who has suffered incredible pain in my life from so many sources, I definitely felt healing was the main purpose of this incredible movie.  On the way home, I stopped and bought the soundtrack and the book to read.  (Yes, I am nuts, but I’m okay with that.)

Sometimes when this life has dealt us too much pain to bear and we let it surround us and encompass us, we lose our hope.  We blame ourselves, we blame others and we blame God.  However, this movie introduces us to God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit and lets us see through their eyes.  Oh, the power of this movie is tremendous.

I spent time praying for another’s hurts while watching this movie.  I couldn’t NOT pray.  This movie has moved me beyond mere words.  To say it is powerful is an understatement.  Since seeing the previews, I have been drawn to this movie.  I am so grateful I went to see it.

I also had the pleasure of sharing the experience with two great women friends.  Each woman felt the same way.  Anastasia had previously read the book and mentioned that it was one of the few movies she’s seen that actually does the book justice.

My girlfriends and I enjoyed a wonderful Italian meal afterwards and great conversations as well.  I cannot imagine a better end to a great day than a movie and meal with friends.

My heart wants me to share the movie with the man whom God is preparing me for; but I don’t know how to broach the subject with him at present, so I am sure that God will reveal the way.

I love the Lord.  I rejoice in being saved by Jesus and I so hope that by sharing with others that they will come to know God through me.

 

SVU

SPOILER ALERT if you watch SVU and haven’t seen it this week yet!

So, I just watched this week’s Law & Order SVU and it dealt with Domestic Violence.  A subject near & dear to my heart.  A young boy is playing on a youth hockey team sexually assaults another player for losing the game because his father tells him to do so.

The boy who is assaulted winds up dying due to complications with the injury.  The young boy leaves the locker room and then goes back into said locker room and assaults the other player with a hockey stick to the rectum, as per daddy’s orders.  As the case goes on, they discover that the father is abusing the entire family and they see that he’s got them under his thumb.  The older teen brother finally provokes the father and is assaulted and records the incident to try and assist his younger brother.  There is also an elementary school son that will eventually receive the same legacy if dad isn’t stopped.

Okay, why am I writing about this you ask?  It brought back the memories of what happened after my ex tried to kill me in 2009.  I was assaulted and nearly killed by him and afterwards, we relocated south and in October, 4 months after said incident, my son was showing signs of acting out and misbehavior.  I took him into the Children’s Advocacy Center here and got him enrolled into counseling.  Immediately, it came to light that his father was knocking him around, giving him beer and showing him pornography on the internet at the age of 8.  I was devastated.    He was told not to tell me.  His father was doing all of this behind my back.  I blame myself.  At that time in my life, my stress levels were out of control due to the ex and I was constantly down due to my Lupus.  Taking Prednisone, going in and out of the hospital, sick all the time, etc.

I hated myself when I found out.  I cried so many tears for my baby boy.  I wanted to kill the SOB.  My son & I worked hard to recover from this terror.  After the June assault, we had a permanent restraining order issued and the ex was not allowed to come near us at all.  I am grateful for that.  I also am grateful that the man has since passed away and can no longer hurt my boy.

At any rate, the show triggered this angry response from me about the whole Domestic Violence issue.  I stood my ground, went to court, wanted him to pay.  I’m not like other women who allow their spouses to have that control.  He hit me.  He hit my son.  He tried to kill us; because I know if he had killed me, he would have killed the boy, too.

My Lupus has been under control for the last two years.  My stress level is greatly reduced.  I am a much better person these days and my mental state is much improved.  I still have nightmares from my PTSD; but I am in control for the most part.  I am not a mess and we are living a great life.

I wish more women and  men who are abused by their significant others would stand up.  We need to eradicate this type of behavior.  No one should be allowed to hit, emotionally abuse, sexually abuse, cheat, etc. anyone.  It is horrible and needs to stop.

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Merry Christmas

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It’s been a hell of a year.  I am so glad that next week is a new year.  I’m so over this one already.  With that said, MERRY CHRISTMAS to all who follow and read this blog.  TY for taking the time to do so.

My son asked me if we can do stockings after church tomorrow night and presents on Christmas morning.  Sure, why not?  I’m really looking forward to church tomorrow night.  I’ve been so absorbed in our Pastor’s services this month.  He’s brought even greater meaning to the events of long ago and tomorrow will be the climax of the season.

Our Women’s Bible Study is on break until January 11th, so I am doing one on my own called “Anchored”.  It’s about women who have lost babies and how to deal.  I lost my two angels 23 and 21 years ago.  I put the grief on the back burner for various reasons and never fully grieved their losses.  Last January, when my 2nd would have turned 21 it hit me hard.  WOW!  When I discussed it with my friend, she told me that God protects us from the pain until we are strong enough to handle it and I guess it was finally time to deal with it.

Why it took so long, I’ll never know, however, with PTSD, things come back even years after the initial trauma, so I’m going to attribute it to this in my life.

My first baby was a shock.  Didn’t even know I was pregnant.  I found out and lost it in the same day.  My coworker and friend took me to the base clinic where I was transported by ambulance to the Naval Hospital for emergency surgery.  It was a tubal pregnancy and due to the blockage of endometrium, had no where to go; but expand the tube until it burst.  Not pleasant and extremely painful.  I guess it was a blessing in disguise; because the father, the only guy I had slept with in months, had disappeared and I later found out he was sent to a squadron and deployed.  Two weeks later, I had surgery on my jaw and my life ruined, so it was all part of the plan.  Ha, ha.

My second lasted for 10 weeks before my fallopian tube burst and I needed a D&C and exploratory surgery to find the fetus in my abdomen.  It was also a time I needed to “suck it up” because I had to comfort my mother who lost her son 28 years previous.  I can now grieve my loss without worry that I need to take care of her.

Anyway, the study has me really exploring my feelings and my gratitude to God for protecting me from the hurt for so long.  My two angels will meet me in heaven,  of that, I have no doubt.  I sometimes daydream about what it would be like to have them here with me; but that was never meant to be.

I also wonder if I would have contacted the man who fathered my first.  Would I have done it all on my own, without ever telling him?  I don’t know.  This life is so strange and I’d never want to trap a man that way.  It was not his fault.  I was not supposed to be able to get pregnant.  The fact that both were tubal just shows that the sperm was small enough to get through the blockage; but a fertilized egg could not.  Hell, when my son was born in 1999, the doctor told me after ,the C-section, that he was surprised that I became pregnant with all the shit blocking my insides.  The fact that I nearly died delivering the boy is another miracle of God’s that I am still here.

When I count my blessings, I count him twice.  My son is my miracle.  I’m so proud of the young man he has become.  I love him so very much and I can’t imagine my life without him and I wouldn’t want to, either.

The weather here, though it is warm still, has been miserable.  It’s messing with my body in a painful way.  I also have a sinus infection and couldn’t get into the doctor today, so I’m going to be suffering for the next few days until I can get into see him.

My heart longs for things that God is making me wait for.  😦  Elvis is singing “Blue Christmas” to me and I know that it is not by accident.  I keep getting signs from God that what I desire is possible; but I don’t want clues, I want the promise. LOL!  He is definitely teaching me patience.

My book is still coming along nicely.  I’m please with the results thus far.  Whether it is supposed to be a hit or not, does not matter.  What matters is that I put it down on paper and get it out of my head.

OH!!  I went to the comic book store and got the newest BW comics.  I’m thrilled.  They ordered the ones that they didn’t have and I should have them in a couple of weeks.  YEAH!  Thrilled.  Gosh, I’m so geeky. LOL!  Can’t run away from who I am, I guess.

My son and I have the next two weeks to spend together.  He wants me to take him up to the Russell Stover’s store and I guess we’ll do it one day next week.  I don’t look forward to the drive; but we’ll make it an adventure and have some fun on the way there and back.

My baby sister is spending the week with my parents.  She’s in from NY and we may have lunch with them on Monday.  We’ll see.   After a year of “low battery” message on my remote, they finally died today. Ha, ha.  Talk about eking out every drop of energy from them. 😛

I’m wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year and many blessing from God your way.

 

Good Christian Women

Good Christian Women

Okay, so I am so not a gossip and I tend to mind my own business.  I’m not into all the drama others stir up and don’t want to get involved.

However, I am currently watching drama unfold for a friend.  She met a gal at a Friday evening Ladies Church function.  She thought they had a lot in common and invited her to go to see a movie with myself and another friend, making it four of us.  Well, the other friend and this gal sat next to each other and my friend and I next to each other.  We didn’t enjoy the movie; but we did enjoy the company.

Apparently, the three of them got together over the next several days and did some stuff together.  I finally saw my friend at church on Saturday evening and afterwards, we hung out together and chatted.  She brought up a few things that she was experiencing since we last met.  New gal made several references to other friend that my friend is a “user”.  This after only knowing her for 5 days.  She’s made these references without truly getting to know my friend, who is far from a user.  Yes, she’s hit hard times.  Yes, she asks for rides due to not having a car right now; but she also pays gas money. 

New gal has isolated her other friend and convinced her that my friend is bad news.  Other friend dumped her (sorta).  Now, my friend is confused, hurt and despite asking what went wrong, is getting the cold shoulder from both ladies.

Today, New gal just so happened to email the pastor of her church about another woman, telling the pastor how awful she is and she only just met this gal a week ago.  I’m blown away.  She calls herself a “GOOD CHRISTIAN WOMAN” and I am blown away.

What is a good Christian Woman?  To me, she doesn’t gossip, lie, cause problems or become a wedge in the relationship of others.  She’s respectful of others, caring, good natured and knows that God is watching all her actions and that HE will judge her for her actions and her heart.

I am picky about who I give my friendship to.  The reason I am picky is because I’ve been hurt before, just like my friend.  I’ve extended the hand of friendship only to have it bitten before.  Since renewing my faith in God and Jesus Christ, I’ve met a bunch of really good women whom I call real friends.  They are the women I trust; because they are like me.  They are not perfect and don’t expect others to be.  We accept each other, flaws and all and that I have found is much better than the superficial woman who call themselves Good Christian Women.

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