CPTSD

CPTSD – Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

On December 9th, at about 2pm, I received a call from a trusted friend. When I would not do as he instructed, he began to scream at me and tell me how wrong I was being. This triggered my CPTSD to the point of my flight or fight instinct kicked in and I was in flight mode. I hung up. I began to melt into a puddle and then the text messages began. One after another, in rapid session. It was like I was under attack. I blocked the numbers and spiraled downward into “madness”.

My son came home at 6:30 pm and found me this way. I was an utter mess. He helped me to calm down and listened as I explained what had happened. He stayed home the next day in order to help me get an appointment with my therapist, which for the last 5 months has gone from 3 times a week to once a month at present. Needless to say, though, he was pissed off.

Over the next three weeks, I watched this friend make snarky remarks about the incident, which those who didn’t know what was going on had no clue they were referencing me, over livestream meetings. As this happened on a Wednesday, I was put in more distress on Saturday morning when my Honi girl had to have emergency surgery at the vets. She passed away on Christmas Eve morning, which was devastating.

I had decided to return to my classes in the new year and when I contacted the instructor, I was told I would not be allowed back until I “apologized” to the man who triggered me. I quit. I had written this man and expressed that his behavior; “screaming at me like I was his 13 yo daughter” and telling me, a volunteer, I couldn’t stop doing so was wrong of him. However, his response to this was that he “forgave me for the hurtful things I mentioned to him” and it wasn’t all about me; but my heart was no longer in the right place to continue at present.

WTH??? So, let me get this straight. The man who triggered my CPTSD, made snarky remarks about said incident on 3 separate livestream events, was upset by me no longer volunteering, and that I was completely wrong in my reasoning and listening to satan is going to judge my heart? It’s always funny when people get pissy when you enforce a boundary that they don’t like. I was under no obligation to volunteer, to listen to anyone scream at me like a kid or speak with anyone who disrespects me; but I am the one with the issues. Okay, whatever.

I take full responsibility for my CPTSD reaction. I take full responsibility for hanging up, telling him he had a lot of nerve screaming at me, and blocking him. I was so hurt. I didn’t even realize that something like this would trigger me since it had been years since I was triggered by anything.

My therapist and I believe that as a man of “authority” screaming at me was now going to be a trigger for me and we worked hard to get through it. Since I couldn’t control the trigger, I could recognize it, and try to maintain the control that I was not in immediate danger, because he was not in my physical presence. Whether this works remains to be seen; but we worked on it.

Some of the things that were screamed at me were lies; but the details of those lies are of no importance. This is not the first time that he “corrected me” for what he thought I did but later found out that he was misinformed. I have also seen his stance with another, who outright lied, and he attacked her “adversary”, only to have the person he attacked bring the entirety of the incident out in front of all involved and found he backed the wrong person. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Forgiveness was almost immediate for me. I know he had no intention of triggering me. I also know that as an adult woman, I was treated with disrespect and lied too about it. I am far wiser now in whom I trust. It took me months to tell a few friends. I have nothing to prove and anyone who knows me, will either come to me and ask what happened or will believe what they want to believe. It’s that simple.

Anyway, I will be, once again, posting more frequently.

❤